SamuelClemens400
Member
- Nov 13, 2021
- 28
I don't plan to be dead as of the time of writing for another month but I wanted it out of the way and it is the last thread I will be posting here in the mean time I will be in chat for a while longer and available if you have questions. I don't want a pity party i don't want people to feel guilty. this is my choice and i made it. with that stuff out of the way I will be going out with CO. I am currently building the GULPS device and just need the acids tubing and a mask. My death will be nice though I will be listening to this song while I am prepping the machine and want to go out with the end of the song. It fitting and meaningful to me and my last thoughts will be of my old friend who confided in me that it is the only song that makes him tear up. I want my last thoughts to be of him and the memories we have even though he said goodbye to me after 15 years. I'm not doing this to spite or hurt anyone though and if you wanted a reason I could only really give a just because. Now a little about myself to give you some perspective into why I might be doing this though I don't really know myself.
When I was 8 my Father was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer and didn't win. We had to deal with that for four years and as a consequence of my mother helping my father a was rather neglected for four years or so until he finally found peace which I hope I will to. About two years later my first girlfriend died in a car wreck cause by her parents fighting. She was ejected hit the curb and died on impact. That death while still devastating at the time took me like 2 days to process and accept. About two years after that I started dating a Nympho and had a very toxic relationship with a her as well as a friend who was suicidal. Testimonial from his dad said he slit his throat and blood was spurting all over the wall. I am honestly not sure how he survived but he did. IT was hard none the less. Around that time I also had to tell that same old friend that he was being toxic and we cant be friends anymore which was one of the hardest things Ive done. Come now and I am alone. No friends just my mother who is a very passive aggressive person. She irks the shit out of me with every word she says and she knows it. She says she loves me and I know its bullshit by the way she behaves.
With context gone, I bid all of thee farewell and just want everyone to know my death will be painless quick and peaceful with comforting thoughts of a better time being my last ones listening to a really good song. :) don't be sad. Be happy I can finally stop any pain I have
UPDATE: I have had an epiphany since writing this and now think I know why I would like to take my life. Ive alwasy been the person people needed. When I talk to someone I flick a switch in my head to put them above myself in what in care about an used to not be able to turn the switch back off. I just cared about people a lot. Then when I turned 16 I got rediagnosed with epilepsy, that started depressive thinking and things only got worse as you read before. When I became depressed I started living a facade and couldn't grasp my sense of self because I was more concerned with the well being of people I was close to. So I guess in a way suicide is supposed to be a self-expression of sorts. Sadly the epiphany has not detered me from suicide.
When I was 8 my Father was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer and didn't win. We had to deal with that for four years and as a consequence of my mother helping my father a was rather neglected for four years or so until he finally found peace which I hope I will to. About two years later my first girlfriend died in a car wreck cause by her parents fighting. She was ejected hit the curb and died on impact. That death while still devastating at the time took me like 2 days to process and accept. About two years after that I started dating a Nympho and had a very toxic relationship with a her as well as a friend who was suicidal. Testimonial from his dad said he slit his throat and blood was spurting all over the wall. I am honestly not sure how he survived but he did. IT was hard none the less. Around that time I also had to tell that same old friend that he was being toxic and we cant be friends anymore which was one of the hardest things Ive done. Come now and I am alone. No friends just my mother who is a very passive aggressive person. She irks the shit out of me with every word she says and she knows it. She says she loves me and I know its bullshit by the way she behaves.
With context gone, I bid all of thee farewell and just want everyone to know my death will be painless quick and peaceful with comforting thoughts of a better time being my last ones listening to a really good song. :) don't be sad. Be happy I can finally stop any pain I have
UPDATE: I have had an epiphany since writing this and now think I know why I would like to take my life. Ive alwasy been the person people needed. When I talk to someone I flick a switch in my head to put them above myself in what in care about an used to not be able to turn the switch back off. I just cared about people a lot. Then when I turned 16 I got rediagnosed with epilepsy, that started depressive thinking and things only got worse as you read before. When I became depressed I started living a facade and couldn't grasp my sense of self because I was more concerned with the well being of people I was close to. So I guess in a way suicide is supposed to be a self-expression of sorts. Sadly the epiphany has not detered me from suicide.
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