Hello all,
This is gonna be long, I'm sorry.
I have no access to N, SN, firearms,etc and I live in an apartment with 3 other people. I'm usually left alone unless my other household members are concerned (heard a noise, I'm sick, etc).
I'm looking for methods that I can achieve while having no money and thus no access to most things I see discussed here.
A little backstory:
I'm about to turn 24. For most of my life I've struggled with many chronic illnesses. To name a few: Narcolepsy, Behcet's, asthma, iron deficiency anemia, b12 deficiency, GI ulcers, low blood pressure, endometriosis, migraines, tremors, and more that I haven't listed.
On top of that, I'm a retail manager working 40 hours a week.
I also run my family.
My immediate family is considered to be my grandma, mom, and aunt, the 3 women who raised me. Along with my aunt's 2 kids (my cousins, 16F and 20M), my 2 younger brothers (21 and 22), and my now ex boyfriend.
My Mom passed away last year due to heart failure. It destroyed my family. Mom did all the adulting for my aunt and grandma since she was 12. Paying bills, making appointments, filling out paperwork etc. My aunt just never wanted to learn but my grandma is intellectually impaired so she's an exception. My mom also did the parenting when it came down to my cousins. They were spoiled brats who got away with everything and only time they'd receive discipline was if my mom was the one to do so. And she was chastised for it every single time.
As mom's condition worsened, I did everything I possibly could to take some of the load off of her but in the end she literally stressed herself to death. She didn't even have time to SHOWER because of her daily workload. Her showers required at least an hour uninterrupted (with me very close by) due to breathing problems related to congestive heart failure. When she passed it had been at least a couple of weeks since her last shower.
When she passed, that role was instantly handed to me. Why me? Because I'm considered "the smart one" only because I paid attention in school and had aspirations to go to college and make a career for myself. Since last August, I've been paying some of the bills for both households (Grandma's: aunt and cousins, Mine: bf and 21 y/o bro +his gf)
Along with that, I'm the sole person who schedules appointments, runs errands, makes the phone calls, knows the logins to sites for bills, credit cards, car insurance, emails, and more, for EVERYONE listed above. I was the one filing everyone's unemployment claims in 2020, I filed 20M's taxes, I got my brother (22) his health insurance and kept up with when his payments were due, filing my aunt's car insurance claims, getting her car insurance documents, renewed her registration for 2021 online, I fill out all applications for assistance with rent, utilities, etc for my grandma's household, along with keeping up with my grandma's doctor's appointments (she has them often for multiple health issues), taking her to them, attending the appointments with her because she usually can't understand what the doctors tell her, keeping track of her meds, medical history, etc.
Now you may be wondering, what do the people who live with her do then? Absolutely nothing. My aunt makes the money to pay the bills but that's about it. She goes out drinking every night, and with adulting, if she has to use even just 1% of brain power she says it's too difficult. The other day I walked her through loading her cash app card and she said it's too much. She never had to do anything growing up because my mom handled everything for her.
Time for my cousins. 16F has always been built like a grown woman and was treated like a teenager at friggin 9 years old. I was in high school and I remember my grandma being mad at me for not wanting a 9 year old dressing like me, a 16 year old. Now she's 16 and she sleeps around, drinks alcohol, smokes the green stuff, has actually gotten STIs, is always popping double digit amounts of benadryl, and will tell you in a heartbeat that she's not lifting a finger to clean messes she made or to help my grandma out. She had 3 jobs at different times this year and stopped showing up to all of them because she just didn't feel like going. Her paychecks went toward benadryl and sharp objects to cut herself with whenever she gets told no. 20M heavily relies on the green stuff, alcohol, lean, pills, and probably more. He gets fired from every job because he shows up when he wants to and wears what he wants and lashes out if he's told otherwise. When he gets paid he spends his money on drugs and alcohol. He'd give my grandma money for bills and then take it back when he runs out. He chooses the street life. He's never had any reason to hustle for what he wanted because he and his sister literally got it handed to them. He'd get suspended from school and come home with the new curry shoes because he wanted them and his mom got them. His sister, same thing. She'd talk back, be rude, make messes, and would get treated to McDonald's or Cici's or even A THEME PARK. My Bros and I wore off brand clothes and shoes, never visited theme parks even though we've been in the home of Disney world our whole lives, never had up to date game consoles, but we did know how to clean a house from top to bottom. We didn't have the money for that stuff and it didn't bother us because we knew if our mom could provide it, she would. But she was doing the best she could and we appreciated it wholeheartedly. What we didn't appreciate was being expected and lowkey forced to fill in where our cousins slacked off. Kitchen is a mess after my grandma or aunt cooked a huge meal and everyone left dishes and food everywhere? My job. I would literally have to leave my house, go to my grandma's, and help her because nobody else would. And if I didn't, I'd feel the wrath. Same for my Bros.
Now my grandma is nearing 70 and can't see out of one eye due to surgery gone wrong, she has no depth perception so she's always dropping things she intend to set on a counter or something, arthritis has ruined her hands, she now has congestive heart failure and 2 stents, she has bad IBS, had to have a toe amputated, overall she just can't do what she used to do. Does that stop my cousins? Absolutely not. They still have her cleaning their insane messes, cooking their meals, doing their laundry, and she doesn't expect help. However I volunteer because I can't bear to watch her struggle like that.
Her household is always full of drama. 16F doesn't like that her mom told her no? She pulls a knife on her. 20M doesn't get what he wants? He breaks things, curses everyone out, wishes death upon his mom, beats his mom, verbally degrades her, moves on to me verbally attacking my character because I don't run the streets and actually wanna do something with my life, and doesn't care when my grandma has AFib attacks during his tantrums. They get loud and violent. I love my grandma and aunt with all of my heart but I sometimes lie and say I'm at work all day so that I don't have to go and watch my cousins treat their mom like that. I'd give anything just to be able to hug my mom again.
Now, for my household. My brother (21) lives with me because he grew up with a developmental delay and although it's gotten mostly better, he still needs help with adulting. But he's actually trying to learn what he needs so that he can eventually be on his own too. Literally he contributes to NONE of my problems. He's the male version of me. Now my oldest brother (22) is a whole other story. Think 20M cousin except he lashes out on everyone. He has 2 kids and one on the way, all by the same girl. She is toxic as heck and I want nothing to do with her unless it's pertaining to my niece and nephew. My bro hits her. One time he tried to strangle her in the bathtub. Although she intentionally pushes him to that point, I still don't condone him putting his hands on her.
He took my car battery without even asking one day when I had a LOT of errands to run and when he got back 2 hours later, I was upset. So he proceeded to yell, call me out of my name, wish death upon me, and then put a hole in my engine cover. Because I was mad that he took my BATTERY OUT OF MY CAR to run the streets when I had a million errands to run.
Now he's back and forth between 2 different states and when he's here he expects me or my grandma to put a roof over his head. We do. However he is no longer allowed at my apartment after he lashed out one night because he ubered 2 girls from almost 2 hours away and brought them in my apartment at 5am without even asking. I had just gotten my couches which are rent to own btw so I'm super careful with them. When 22 brought those girls in, 21 was watching TV with his girlfriend on the couch. 22 told 21 to go to his room and 21 was like no, I'm watching TV with my girl. So when 22 didn't like that, he proceeded to FIGHT 21. Remember, 21 has never given anyone any problems. Mom didn't even have to raise her voice at him growing up. So they're fighting and 22 has 21 in a tight chokehold telling him it's time to go be with mom. I called 911 and that's the only reason he released him. But on his way out he completely vandalized the apartment. Even now, months later, my front door still doesn't close unless it's locked.
We've all just started speaking again, and he's back in our city with his gf and their kids (I love those kids so much man), right now they're in a hotel until their money runs out which will be in the next 3 days. They can't stay with my grandma because she has distantly family visiting and staying there. They also can't stay in my tiny apartment either. But the moment I say no to him, no matter what good terms we're on, he will flip and probably burn my apartment to the ground and I wish I was exaggerating.
My plan was to leave this city and not look back once my grandma no longer needs me (which won't be until she joins my mom), no contact with anyone but 21, but nobody would know where I live.
Then I remembered the way my mind works. If I leave and something happens to 22 or 20M cousin, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life because I wasn't there for them. That's just the way my mind has always worked. No going around it. It would literally eat me alive. I'm on meds and see a psychiatrist and therapist because my mind never shuts up and the negative things are constantly replaying and again, eating me alive.
I also remembered that with all of my illnesses, I won't be able to provide for myself. I'm not able to do that even right now. Yes I'm a manager working 40 hours a week but it's so hard on my body and I know it's gonna give out soon. My job is the only one my body can handle because it's a small store with not a lot of foot traffic. I'd love a 9-5 office job but with narcolepsy and a million errands and phone calls during those hours, I can't. I used to work as a server but it stressed my body out to the point of hospitalizations, surgery, a million new meds, etc.
I can't get on disability because I don't have the paperwork to back everything up. I try to avoid the hospital, and I only got to my docs when I ABSOLUTELY need to. I also don't have the right docs to support my claims thanks to my insurance being a butt.
My insurance is skyrocketing for 2022 and I won't be able to afford the monthly premium and the out of pocket max which has tripled. So pretty soon I'll be without docs or meds and have to suffer the full force of all of my illnesses. Mental and physical.
Finally there's my relationship. I've known my bf since we were 7. We've lived together since we were 9 due to my mom not wanting him, his sis, or his bro to go into the foster care system after their grandpa passed away. Their parents were both in jail. So she took them in and raised them. However his brother was killed at 20y in 2009 because of gang violence.
Bf is the same age as me, nearly 24. I had a crush on him since we met but fell in love somewhere around 12/13 years old.
Before I continue, I wanna say that I am not what society calls desirable. I have no curves, I'm barely 100 pounds, I've got blackheads out the window, my face is huge so even with makeup I still look ogre-ish, I'm black yet I don't "turn up" or "get lit", I don't listen to hip hop or R&B, but I live for pop punk and kpop, I barely drink and I don't smoke (but I do have my mmj card and use edibles), I'm mostly introverted yet I don't mind hanging out if I'm invited, and I'm a goody 2 shoes. Because of that, I'm not what men my age desire. I never have been. I've never had a guy so much as do a double take. My bf was my first experience of anything that has to do with romance. First kiss, virginity, first hug from a guy that's not my bro, first time being flirted with, first time being called attractive by someone other than family. In high school, I was pranked slot by guys. Being asked out as a joke, being told I'm cute as a joke, a guy even got dared to kiss me as a joke once and I declined. All instances were immediately followed by laughter and insults. I've never felt wanted.
So back to my bf. We got together in Feb 2018. He cheated on me for 2 years. I found out, but couldn't leave him because of how much I love him and LITERALLY need him. I'll get into that shortly. So after the cheating stopped, he still didn't stop chasing other women even if he didn't physically cheat. One time early this year one of our coworkers (we worked together at that time) was intentionally trying to get in the middle of us because she wanted him and he acted like he didn't see it when in reality he wanted her too and actually let her know. One day she threatened me with violence via text and he went off on her only to have her drive him home the next day and then a few days later stayed the night at her place and didn't answer my phone calls after we got into an argument about her driving him home. I was baker acted the next day.
We've been okay since, but now another girl has come into the picture and the same thing is starting to happen. Only this time he flat out told me he doesn't want me, I'm not his type, he loves me but he's not IN LOVE with me, we can still live together and he can still be there for me both emotionally and financially, etc. If that happens, I will suffer more than I am now. I've already been having constant flashbacks of the cheating and the messages and all that literally 24/7 to the point where it affects my functionality at times. Now he wants me to pretty much watch him romance other women because he doesn't want me gone from his life.
I would kick him out or move out, but he provides 70% of my family's financial support and 100% of my emotional support. I will literally end up homeless without him. And emotionally? I would lose my mind literally. I am a person who needs human touch. Hugs mostly. At night we have to spoon or else I'll go into a full panic attack from the flashbacks. Throughout the day I always go for random hugs, again, because of the flashbacks. And also because I love him with my whole heart even after everything. Since we've broken up, I've had to sleep with 4 blankets and a body pillow and still can't sleep through the night. Comforter on like usual, another comforter on my side plus body pillow, a throw blanket over my shoulders, and a throw blanket over my face. I now have to have the tv on because silence sends me spiraling either back to those text messages I found, to images my mind created of him and his side pieces in the act, or to the hospital when I found out my mom passed away after I had just sent her away alive and alert in an ambulance 30 minutes beforehand.
I used to use mom to compress when I needed. She never knew why, but she'd know I needed a hug and have her arms open and ready. I lived with her my whole life and took care of her for the last couple of years up until she passed.
My need for human touch is beyond the normal need. It's crippling if I don't have it. And with my bf and I broken up, I don't have it. 21 just isn't a hugger, my grandma hugs me all the time but it doesn't feel the same.
Usually growing up I'd distract myself when it comes on, but since my mom has been gone all I've done is work, ache, and sleep. I work open to close (and we close at 8 so I should still have time to do something for myself) but from 8 to at least midnight I'm helping my grandma and then when I finally get home, I turn on my PS4 and fall asleep on the Genshin loading screen. I've lost my friends because whenever I do have a day off from work, I never have time to even make a quick boba date. I have literally nothing left to keep me happy or sane.
I'm also almost $5000 in debt from loans and credit cards because I don't make even close to a living wage and when I get paid every 2 weeks my money is gone in an hour to catch up on my personal bills and usually a bill from my grandma's household. My bro works and so does bf, but even all of our incomes combined doesn't cover both households.
This is why I'm ready to CTB. I just don't have access to a lot of the things mentioned on this site due to finances. I have 12 5mg oxycodone tablets in total from a surgery I had in October, 6 10mg amitriptyline tablets left (also prescribed), 15 10mg toradol, and that's about it. I don't think the rest of my meds would work. I have an apartment with things you'd commonly find in an apartment, but am not able to go out and buy this or buy that as I have $5 to my name right now.
Thanks for reading, letting me vent, and listening. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Also forgot to mention, my life goal had always been to get married and settle down. But now that we've broken up, that's gone out the window. I cannot date. Anybody who dates me would be downgrading big time. They'd have to give up their independence for me, not ever be able to see me or even call me because I'm always too busy or too tired, and if we got married, our joined finances wouldn't be stable due to helping my family. Like really, who would want that?? That's one of the things hitting me the hardest.
This is gonna be long, I'm sorry.
I have no access to N, SN, firearms,etc and I live in an apartment with 3 other people. I'm usually left alone unless my other household members are concerned (heard a noise, I'm sick, etc).
I'm looking for methods that I can achieve while having no money and thus no access to most things I see discussed here.
A little backstory:
I'm about to turn 24. For most of my life I've struggled with many chronic illnesses. To name a few: Narcolepsy, Behcet's, asthma, iron deficiency anemia, b12 deficiency, GI ulcers, low blood pressure, endometriosis, migraines, tremors, and more that I haven't listed.
On top of that, I'm a retail manager working 40 hours a week.
I also run my family.
My immediate family is considered to be my grandma, mom, and aunt, the 3 women who raised me. Along with my aunt's 2 kids (my cousins, 16F and 20M), my 2 younger brothers (21 and 22), and my now ex boyfriend.
My Mom passed away last year due to heart failure. It destroyed my family. Mom did all the adulting for my aunt and grandma since she was 12. Paying bills, making appointments, filling out paperwork etc. My aunt just never wanted to learn but my grandma is intellectually impaired so she's an exception. My mom also did the parenting when it came down to my cousins. They were spoiled brats who got away with everything and only time they'd receive discipline was if my mom was the one to do so. And she was chastised for it every single time.
As mom's condition worsened, I did everything I possibly could to take some of the load off of her but in the end she literally stressed herself to death. She didn't even have time to SHOWER because of her daily workload. Her showers required at least an hour uninterrupted (with me very close by) due to breathing problems related to congestive heart failure. When she passed it had been at least a couple of weeks since her last shower.
When she passed, that role was instantly handed to me. Why me? Because I'm considered "the smart one" only because I paid attention in school and had aspirations to go to college and make a career for myself. Since last August, I've been paying some of the bills for both households (Grandma's: aunt and cousins, Mine: bf and 21 y/o bro +his gf)
Along with that, I'm the sole person who schedules appointments, runs errands, makes the phone calls, knows the logins to sites for bills, credit cards, car insurance, emails, and more, for EVERYONE listed above. I was the one filing everyone's unemployment claims in 2020, I filed 20M's taxes, I got my brother (22) his health insurance and kept up with when his payments were due, filing my aunt's car insurance claims, getting her car insurance documents, renewed her registration for 2021 online, I fill out all applications for assistance with rent, utilities, etc for my grandma's household, along with keeping up with my grandma's doctor's appointments (she has them often for multiple health issues), taking her to them, attending the appointments with her because she usually can't understand what the doctors tell her, keeping track of her meds, medical history, etc.
Now you may be wondering, what do the people who live with her do then? Absolutely nothing. My aunt makes the money to pay the bills but that's about it. She goes out drinking every night, and with adulting, if she has to use even just 1% of brain power she says it's too difficult. The other day I walked her through loading her cash app card and she said it's too much. She never had to do anything growing up because my mom handled everything for her.
Time for my cousins. 16F has always been built like a grown woman and was treated like a teenager at friggin 9 years old. I was in high school and I remember my grandma being mad at me for not wanting a 9 year old dressing like me, a 16 year old. Now she's 16 and she sleeps around, drinks alcohol, smokes the green stuff, has actually gotten STIs, is always popping double digit amounts of benadryl, and will tell you in a heartbeat that she's not lifting a finger to clean messes she made or to help my grandma out. She had 3 jobs at different times this year and stopped showing up to all of them because she just didn't feel like going. Her paychecks went toward benadryl and sharp objects to cut herself with whenever she gets told no. 20M heavily relies on the green stuff, alcohol, lean, pills, and probably more. He gets fired from every job because he shows up when he wants to and wears what he wants and lashes out if he's told otherwise. When he gets paid he spends his money on drugs and alcohol. He'd give my grandma money for bills and then take it back when he runs out. He chooses the street life. He's never had any reason to hustle for what he wanted because he and his sister literally got it handed to them. He'd get suspended from school and come home with the new curry shoes because he wanted them and his mom got them. His sister, same thing. She'd talk back, be rude, make messes, and would get treated to McDonald's or Cici's or even A THEME PARK. My Bros and I wore off brand clothes and shoes, never visited theme parks even though we've been in the home of Disney world our whole lives, never had up to date game consoles, but we did know how to clean a house from top to bottom. We didn't have the money for that stuff and it didn't bother us because we knew if our mom could provide it, she would. But she was doing the best she could and we appreciated it wholeheartedly. What we didn't appreciate was being expected and lowkey forced to fill in where our cousins slacked off. Kitchen is a mess after my grandma or aunt cooked a huge meal and everyone left dishes and food everywhere? My job. I would literally have to leave my house, go to my grandma's, and help her because nobody else would. And if I didn't, I'd feel the wrath. Same for my Bros.
Now my grandma is nearing 70 and can't see out of one eye due to surgery gone wrong, she has no depth perception so she's always dropping things she intend to set on a counter or something, arthritis has ruined her hands, she now has congestive heart failure and 2 stents, she has bad IBS, had to have a toe amputated, overall she just can't do what she used to do. Does that stop my cousins? Absolutely not. They still have her cleaning their insane messes, cooking their meals, doing their laundry, and she doesn't expect help. However I volunteer because I can't bear to watch her struggle like that.
Her household is always full of drama. 16F doesn't like that her mom told her no? She pulls a knife on her. 20M doesn't get what he wants? He breaks things, curses everyone out, wishes death upon his mom, beats his mom, verbally degrades her, moves on to me verbally attacking my character because I don't run the streets and actually wanna do something with my life, and doesn't care when my grandma has AFib attacks during his tantrums. They get loud and violent. I love my grandma and aunt with all of my heart but I sometimes lie and say I'm at work all day so that I don't have to go and watch my cousins treat their mom like that. I'd give anything just to be able to hug my mom again.
Now, for my household. My brother (21) lives with me because he grew up with a developmental delay and although it's gotten mostly better, he still needs help with adulting. But he's actually trying to learn what he needs so that he can eventually be on his own too. Literally he contributes to NONE of my problems. He's the male version of me. Now my oldest brother (22) is a whole other story. Think 20M cousin except he lashes out on everyone. He has 2 kids and one on the way, all by the same girl. She is toxic as heck and I want nothing to do with her unless it's pertaining to my niece and nephew. My bro hits her. One time he tried to strangle her in the bathtub. Although she intentionally pushes him to that point, I still don't condone him putting his hands on her.
He took my car battery without even asking one day when I had a LOT of errands to run and when he got back 2 hours later, I was upset. So he proceeded to yell, call me out of my name, wish death upon me, and then put a hole in my engine cover. Because I was mad that he took my BATTERY OUT OF MY CAR to run the streets when I had a million errands to run.
Now he's back and forth between 2 different states and when he's here he expects me or my grandma to put a roof over his head. We do. However he is no longer allowed at my apartment after he lashed out one night because he ubered 2 girls from almost 2 hours away and brought them in my apartment at 5am without even asking. I had just gotten my couches which are rent to own btw so I'm super careful with them. When 22 brought those girls in, 21 was watching TV with his girlfriend on the couch. 22 told 21 to go to his room and 21 was like no, I'm watching TV with my girl. So when 22 didn't like that, he proceeded to FIGHT 21. Remember, 21 has never given anyone any problems. Mom didn't even have to raise her voice at him growing up. So they're fighting and 22 has 21 in a tight chokehold telling him it's time to go be with mom. I called 911 and that's the only reason he released him. But on his way out he completely vandalized the apartment. Even now, months later, my front door still doesn't close unless it's locked.
We've all just started speaking again, and he's back in our city with his gf and their kids (I love those kids so much man), right now they're in a hotel until their money runs out which will be in the next 3 days. They can't stay with my grandma because she has distantly family visiting and staying there. They also can't stay in my tiny apartment either. But the moment I say no to him, no matter what good terms we're on, he will flip and probably burn my apartment to the ground and I wish I was exaggerating.
My plan was to leave this city and not look back once my grandma no longer needs me (which won't be until she joins my mom), no contact with anyone but 21, but nobody would know where I live.
Then I remembered the way my mind works. If I leave and something happens to 22 or 20M cousin, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life because I wasn't there for them. That's just the way my mind has always worked. No going around it. It would literally eat me alive. I'm on meds and see a psychiatrist and therapist because my mind never shuts up and the negative things are constantly replaying and again, eating me alive.
I also remembered that with all of my illnesses, I won't be able to provide for myself. I'm not able to do that even right now. Yes I'm a manager working 40 hours a week but it's so hard on my body and I know it's gonna give out soon. My job is the only one my body can handle because it's a small store with not a lot of foot traffic. I'd love a 9-5 office job but with narcolepsy and a million errands and phone calls during those hours, I can't. I used to work as a server but it stressed my body out to the point of hospitalizations, surgery, a million new meds, etc.
I can't get on disability because I don't have the paperwork to back everything up. I try to avoid the hospital, and I only got to my docs when I ABSOLUTELY need to. I also don't have the right docs to support my claims thanks to my insurance being a butt.
My insurance is skyrocketing for 2022 and I won't be able to afford the monthly premium and the out of pocket max which has tripled. So pretty soon I'll be without docs or meds and have to suffer the full force of all of my illnesses. Mental and physical.
Finally there's my relationship. I've known my bf since we were 7. We've lived together since we were 9 due to my mom not wanting him, his sis, or his bro to go into the foster care system after their grandpa passed away. Their parents were both in jail. So she took them in and raised them. However his brother was killed at 20y in 2009 because of gang violence.
Bf is the same age as me, nearly 24. I had a crush on him since we met but fell in love somewhere around 12/13 years old.
Before I continue, I wanna say that I am not what society calls desirable. I have no curves, I'm barely 100 pounds, I've got blackheads out the window, my face is huge so even with makeup I still look ogre-ish, I'm black yet I don't "turn up" or "get lit", I don't listen to hip hop or R&B, but I live for pop punk and kpop, I barely drink and I don't smoke (but I do have my mmj card and use edibles), I'm mostly introverted yet I don't mind hanging out if I'm invited, and I'm a goody 2 shoes. Because of that, I'm not what men my age desire. I never have been. I've never had a guy so much as do a double take. My bf was my first experience of anything that has to do with romance. First kiss, virginity, first hug from a guy that's not my bro, first time being flirted with, first time being called attractive by someone other than family. In high school, I was pranked slot by guys. Being asked out as a joke, being told I'm cute as a joke, a guy even got dared to kiss me as a joke once and I declined. All instances were immediately followed by laughter and insults. I've never felt wanted.
So back to my bf. We got together in Feb 2018. He cheated on me for 2 years. I found out, but couldn't leave him because of how much I love him and LITERALLY need him. I'll get into that shortly. So after the cheating stopped, he still didn't stop chasing other women even if he didn't physically cheat. One time early this year one of our coworkers (we worked together at that time) was intentionally trying to get in the middle of us because she wanted him and he acted like he didn't see it when in reality he wanted her too and actually let her know. One day she threatened me with violence via text and he went off on her only to have her drive him home the next day and then a few days later stayed the night at her place and didn't answer my phone calls after we got into an argument about her driving him home. I was baker acted the next day.
We've been okay since, but now another girl has come into the picture and the same thing is starting to happen. Only this time he flat out told me he doesn't want me, I'm not his type, he loves me but he's not IN LOVE with me, we can still live together and he can still be there for me both emotionally and financially, etc. If that happens, I will suffer more than I am now. I've already been having constant flashbacks of the cheating and the messages and all that literally 24/7 to the point where it affects my functionality at times. Now he wants me to pretty much watch him romance other women because he doesn't want me gone from his life.
I would kick him out or move out, but he provides 70% of my family's financial support and 100% of my emotional support. I will literally end up homeless without him. And emotionally? I would lose my mind literally. I am a person who needs human touch. Hugs mostly. At night we have to spoon or else I'll go into a full panic attack from the flashbacks. Throughout the day I always go for random hugs, again, because of the flashbacks. And also because I love him with my whole heart even after everything. Since we've broken up, I've had to sleep with 4 blankets and a body pillow and still can't sleep through the night. Comforter on like usual, another comforter on my side plus body pillow, a throw blanket over my shoulders, and a throw blanket over my face. I now have to have the tv on because silence sends me spiraling either back to those text messages I found, to images my mind created of him and his side pieces in the act, or to the hospital when I found out my mom passed away after I had just sent her away alive and alert in an ambulance 30 minutes beforehand.
I used to use mom to compress when I needed. She never knew why, but she'd know I needed a hug and have her arms open and ready. I lived with her my whole life and took care of her for the last couple of years up until she passed.
My need for human touch is beyond the normal need. It's crippling if I don't have it. And with my bf and I broken up, I don't have it. 21 just isn't a hugger, my grandma hugs me all the time but it doesn't feel the same.
Usually growing up I'd distract myself when it comes on, but since my mom has been gone all I've done is work, ache, and sleep. I work open to close (and we close at 8 so I should still have time to do something for myself) but from 8 to at least midnight I'm helping my grandma and then when I finally get home, I turn on my PS4 and fall asleep on the Genshin loading screen. I've lost my friends because whenever I do have a day off from work, I never have time to even make a quick boba date. I have literally nothing left to keep me happy or sane.
I'm also almost $5000 in debt from loans and credit cards because I don't make even close to a living wage and when I get paid every 2 weeks my money is gone in an hour to catch up on my personal bills and usually a bill from my grandma's household. My bro works and so does bf, but even all of our incomes combined doesn't cover both households.
This is why I'm ready to CTB. I just don't have access to a lot of the things mentioned on this site due to finances. I have 12 5mg oxycodone tablets in total from a surgery I had in October, 6 10mg amitriptyline tablets left (also prescribed), 15 10mg toradol, and that's about it. I don't think the rest of my meds would work. I have an apartment with things you'd commonly find in an apartment, but am not able to go out and buy this or buy that as I have $5 to my name right now.
Thanks for reading, letting me vent, and listening. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Also forgot to mention, my life goal had always been to get married and settle down. But now that we've broken up, that's gone out the window. I cannot date. Anybody who dates me would be downgrading big time. They'd have to give up their independence for me, not ever be able to see me or even call me because I'm always too busy or too tired, and if we got married, our joined finances wouldn't be stable due to helping my family. Like really, who would want that?? That's one of the things hitting me the hardest.
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