This site has kept me safe and alive

[ThatStateOfMind]

I have a weird duality with this site. It's both taught me more about deaths and ideal methods than I ever could have learned anywhere else. For example, I always thought about 5 stories is pretty much guaranteed death, or just to aim up with a gun.

That's how this site has kept me safe. I could have been one of those suicide fails where I flinch or put the shotgun too far forward and wind up blowing my face away but leaving my brain intact. Or, I could have jumped from a 5 story building and survived with bad injuries. Now I know to aim for the midbrain or go for ~14 stories if I was jumping.

Ironically, this has also made me more afraid of death and the cost of failure. This site has also been a very safe place for me to vent. Without this site, I could be gone. I don't like how negatively this site is portrayed. Sure, it may have some bad actors who are here for the wrong reason, but that's to be expected with a site that has this many users, not including lurkers and visitors. Every site like this will have it's flaws.

I'm glad I didn't kill myself a couple years ago before or soon after I joined this site. Sure, some terrible things have happened and I feel like I may be knocking on death's door now, but some great things also happened in that time. I've met some great people too. I avoided a painful failure with the knowledge I have now. I could theoretically even buy SN but I have no access to Meto, and I'd rather be able to follow protocol to avoid failure (though SN failure is less bad than other methods tbf). Looking into moving soon for Uni, and if that fails, I might be gone very soon.

Anyways, there's no real point to this post, it's more of me expressing my appreciation for this site. I've seen it vilified recently (rewatched the Tantacrul video).

Wish everyone the best, and hope you all have a good day (despite the brutal cold in much of America right now).

 

[maniac116]

I couldn't agree with you more!
Same with me. I came to this site to get info to ctb. After hanging around here a while I realized that some have it much worse that I do, at least emotionally.
So I hang around here with a few friends I've met here. I have a nursing background so try to help other with harm reduction. I don't talk people into or out of ctb. I just tell them about not doing certain things that will make their lives more difficult.I'm glad you didn't feel the need to ctb.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I couldn't agree with you more!
Same with me. I came to this site to get info to ctb. After hanging around here a while I realized that some have it much worse that I do, at least emotionally.
So I hang around here with a few friends I've met here. I have a nursing background so try to help other with harm reduction. I don't talk people into or out of ctb. I just tell them about not doing certain things that will make their lives more difficult.I'm glad you didn't feel the need to ctb.

Well, now I'm not doing so great unfortunately. I did meet a person on here who I became somewhat friends with, I somewhat frequently message them. Currently, still really thinking about death pretty frequently, hence me being more on suicide discussion rather than the more positive recovery forum.

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

Yup, I couldn't agree more as well. I'm trying to connect with people that know about the feelig of being suicidal. My girlfriend is not aware if this, unfortunately.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yup, I couldn't agree more as well. I'm trying to connect with people that know about the feelig of being suicidal. My girlfriend is not aware if this, unfortunately.

In the exact same situation, somewhat. I have nobody to relate to regarding my thoughts besides one friend I made on here. It's a taboo topic so it's basically impossible to find someone outside of this site who can relate.

 

[LukaParrot]

I was shocked with the information here, well.... it's not in anywhere i know. Guides and how to not make things "worst". It was like... oh! you wanna to suicide, here, make your choice.

Finding people that're suffering like me and I was not that alone.... I think it's kinda of therapy... we understand what others are passing through life, with depression, anxiety and all the crap life give us.

My hope is for every bad day, we can have at least one great day.

 

[CatLvr]

Same here. My journey that brought me here has not changed but the circumstances of my life, due to interacting with people here, and reading others' posts, has. And I KNOW that would not have happened anywhere on the planet but here.

Thank you guys!

 

[guineapiglover8503]

honestly kinda same. The way that suicide is usually approached really doesn't help me at all and does barely anything to help. The way it is discussed here without stigma has let me see it a lot better. By now, I would have jumped off something or into something or whatever, but being here has let me think a lot more about the process and ask myself whether I would want to have a mangled mess be what those closest to me last see. it also comforts me that there is always a way out if living stays as overwhelming as it can be

 

[onthefence]

Same here- I likely would have tried an ineffective method to CTB if I didn't learn about the likelihood of failure here. I am now very worried about failure and being horribly disabled so am trying to make careful, well thought out plans. When I think about doing something impulsive I think about how everyone here says the impulsive attempts tend to fail.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Same here. My journey that brought me here has not changed but the circumstances of my life, due to interacting with people here, and reading others' posts, has. And I KNOW that would not have happened anywhere on the planet but here.

Thank you guys!

Would you say your perspective changed, or is it something else that changed for you? Honestly just curious.

honestly kinda same. The way that suicide is usually approached really doesn't help me at all and does barely anything to help. The way it is discussed here without stigma has let me see it a lot better. By now, I would have jumped off something or into something or whatever, but being here has let me think a lot more about the process and ask myself whether I would want to have a mangled mess be what those closest to me last see. it also comforts me that there is always a way out if living stays as overwhelming as it can be

Exactly, I always fantasized about jumping or something like that when I was first depressed and suicidal, but now I have come to the realization that I don't want my body to be splattered or worse, that I can end up a vegetable since jumping has so many variables and is so unpredictable. It's always nice to know that way out is always there.

Same here- I likely would have tried an ineffective method to CTB if I didn't learn about the likelihood of failure here. I am now very worried about failure and being horribly disabled so am trying to make careful, well thought out plans. When I think about doing something impulsive I think about how everyone here says the impulsive attempts tend to fail.

Same here. I'm trying not to ctb impulsively, been a battle for the past week not to, but as you do, I also think of all the people on here saying how badly it could go. I remember reading people who tried impulsive methods and how it didn't work for them, they're still here. Some get involuntarily committed which would suck for me because even beyond suicide, I enjoy guns and shooting them as a recreational hobby. An involuntary stay at a mental hospital would make me ineligible to own guns. That would ruin life for me.

 

[Shatami44]

Same here, although there was a time where i tried to ctb by overdosing (even though it's generally not recommended) because I thought my method was far better and sought out planned than anyone else's. Didn't go so well and I ended up experiencing schizophrenia for a whole day. Safe to say I got HUMBLED.

 

[CatLvr]

Would you say your perspective changed, or is it something else that changed for you? Honestly just curious.


Exactly, I always fantasized about jumping or something like that when I was first depressed and suicidal, but now I have come to the realization that I don't want my body to be splattered or worse, that I can end up a vegetable since jumping has so many variables and is so unpredictable. It's always nice to know that way out is always there.


Same here. I'm trying not to ctb impulsively, been a battle for the past week not to, but as you do, I also think of all the people on here saying how badly it could go. I remember reading people who tried impulsive methods and how it didn't work for them, they're still here. Some get involuntarily committed which would suck for me because even beyond suicide, I enjoy guns and shooting them as a recreational hobby. An involuntary stay at a mental hospital would make me ineligible to own guns. That would ruin life for me.

Actually my life changed. I've told the story elsewhere here so I won't bore y'all with it again but the Cliff Notes are that while I was tying up loose ends in the process of getting ready to ctb I re-established a relationship with my children. As long as my kids are in my life and I can impact them in a positive nature I will stay here -- no matter how bad I want to leave.

 

[sorrymyfault]

I have a weird duality with this site. It's both taught me more about deaths and ideal methods than I ever could have learned anywhere else. For example, I always thought about 5 stories is pretty much guaranteed death, or just to aim up with a gun.

That's how this site has kept me safe. I could have been one of those suicide fails where I flinch or put the shotgun too far forward and wind up blowing my face away but leaving my brain intact. Or, I could have jumped from a 5 story building and survived with bad injuries. Now I know to aim for the midbrain or go for ~14 stories if I was jumping.

Ironically, this has also made me more afraid of death and the cost of failure. This site has also been a very safe place for me to vent. Without this site, I could be gone. I don't like how negatively this site is portrayed. Sure, it may have some bad actors who are here for the wrong reason, but that's to be expected with a site that has this many users, not including lurkers and visitors. Every site like this will have it's flaws.

I'm glad I didn't kill myself a couple years ago before or soon after I joined this site. Sure, some terrible things have happened and I feel like I may be knocking on death's door now, but some great things also happened in that time. I've met some great people too. I avoided a painful failure with the knowledge I have now. I could theoretically even buy SN but I have no access to Meto, and I'd rather be able to follow protocol to avoid failure (though SN failure is less bad than other methods tbf). Looking into moving soon for Uni, and if that fails, I might be gone very soon.

Anyways, there's no real point to this post, it's more of me expressing my appreciation for this site. I've seen it vilified recently (rewatched the Tantacrul video).

Wish everyone the best, and hope you all have a good day (despite the brutal cold in much of America right now).

Oddly enough I found about this site from that Tantacrul video and this site really has been a way to clear my mind these past few months, it's definitely not what's portrayed in that video. "Normal" people don't understand the struggles it takes both mentally and physically for someone to even consider taking their own lives let alone planning and acting on it. Thankfully I don't have it as bad as other people in here and I hope them all the best of luck!

 

[outrider567]

It has certainly helped me

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Actually my life changed. I've told the story elsewhere here so I won't bore y'all with it again but the Cliff Notes are that while I was tying up loose ends in the process of getting ready to ctb I re-established a relationship with my children. As long as my kids are in my life and I can impact them in a positive nature I will stay here -- no matter how bad I want to leave.

I actually think I may have read your posts before. Your story sounds familiar to me. I'm glad you re-established a relationship with them though, I'm sure that was an amazing feeling, despite how desperately you wanted to go.

Oddly enough I found about this site from that Tantacrul video and this site really has been a way to clear my mind these past few months, it's definitely not what's portrayed in that video. "Normal" people don't understand the struggles it takes both mentally and physically for someone to even consider taking their own lives let alone planning and acting on it. Thankfully I don't have it as bad as other people in here and I hope them all the best of luck!

I was here far before Tantacrul's video. I joined after I saw an article in the NYT. I don't even remember how I found the article, I'm not an avid news reader, but I did, lurked for a little, then finally registered an account. Tantacrul is honestly an awful person. We already struggle enough without him vilifying us.

Yeah, comparison makes my problems seem stupid in comparison. I'm privileged in many ways. Though, I don't compare too often as no matter how much comparison, nobody's struggles are invalidated.