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paul29

Member
Jun 3, 2019
42
Hey - wanted to share a little tidbit -

I found this site a couple months ago after three years on disability for major depression. I have made more attempts than I can count. My worst had me in a six-day coma followed by a laundry list of complications. I no longer fear hell, because I've lived it. I believe heaven and hell both exist right here on earth and that we have very little control over where we end up between them.

But I've stopped attempting, at least for now.

It's not because of any of the "treatment" I received. "Treatment" tried to kill the parts of my character which, I realize now, were the only ones worth keeping.

What I needed was inspiration. I needed dreams. I needed to feel useful. I needed purpose.

"Treatment"'s advice: If you're living in a halfway house and working in a bowling alley, you'll be happier than how you are now.

...no. I wouldn't be. I'd rather die.

That's not "entitlement", "narcissism", or any of the other shaming words. It has nothing to do with money or anything material. It is simply no longer feasible to wake up for that purpose. I would rather be asleep. Presented with that alternative as my so-called "choice", I chose to remain asleep, for nearly four years.

So what awoke me?

Entrepreneurship.

Out of nowhere, my mind was gifted with the business idea of a lifetime, and I am running with it.

I literally exist for no other purpose than to create this business. I am doing it not because it's going to be profitable - though it absolutely will be - but rather, because I know that what I am doing will make the world a better place. The idea that I can make the world a better place is what makes me want to be awake and alive.

If this project fails, I will be suicidal again, I have no doubt. But I don't think it will. And even if this turns out to be delusion, it will still have been more productive than anything from the last four years. Even if this only serves to peacefully kill a few months' worth of time, those months will have been less painful than any of my time in "treatment".

As for this site? I did find a partner. We made plans. We never executed them. We just kept talking about it. Eventually we dropped all things suicide from the discussion and just carried on as good friends.

So, first of all, to this site, thank you. You contributed to my recovery.

And to others - I will NEVER make the mistake of believing that I can offer advice worth a dime to anyone. I hated when people insisted their words were what I needed; I won't fall into that trap from the other side. But I am happy to help anyone who wants my help, in whatever ways that would be within my ability to help.
 
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TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,883
I'm glad that this site has helped you cope and the same to me as well. I remember battling through wanting to die, feeling trapped, and unable for function the previous summer for a while. However, after I found this site, I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a long time, knowing that I am able to speak freely about the topic of suicide and death, without censorship, judgment, or fear of consequences (like getting locked up or forced intervention). Furthermore, this site along with it's method discussion has put me at ease and also helped me acquire my method to CTB. Then after obtaining my method (firearm), I finally felt that I was once again in control of my life, able to to exit under my own terms. That alone, gave me the will to live and not to be trapped since whatever happens, there is always a quit option, which is suicide.
 
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paul29

Member
Jun 3, 2019
42
Believing that you have control over your exit feels incredibly empowering. I felt it before my first few attempts.

But you should also know - attempting and failing leaves you in the opposite place. It is the most crippling helplessness you will ever feel. Especially if it leaves you in hospital imprisonment with a damaged body. I actually wonder whether one or more of my attempts actually succeeded, only to leave me here.

My recovery, for however long it lasts, was premised on choosing to believe that this world is hell, I'm not allowed to escape, and every attempt I make to do so will amplify my pain rather than relieve it. That being the case, I might as well just drift, letting my body and mind do what it wants, no matter what others think of it.
 
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letmeseethedeath

letmeseethedeath

catching the bus
Aug 4, 2018
465
hey guys same here. i'm fighting against my demons and i still want to die so bad but this site is the really and the only home i have. it makes me feel so comfortable and loved by others. also there are so many good people in this site. i wanna thank all the staff for the beautiful work they did and they still doing. they don't ask anything they just spread some kindness and friendship to the people like me who feel alone and abandoned by the life
 
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tomz323

tomz323

Walking to the bus stop
Mar 29, 2019
367
Same here mate, I find its because we're all similar minded people who have been through the similar experiences as us. People on here don't sugar coast or bullshit with false hope like therapists. Its nice to not feel alone even if its just online.
 
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