judestfrancis
Life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss
- Dec 21, 2023
- 13
Sorry for being gone for so long. I have to admit, I accidentally told a close friend of mine about this forum and he made me swear to delete myself from it. As shit as it sounds, I just. Can't. I know it's selfish, I know it's shitty as fuck and I'm being a terrible friend, but I need somewhere that is, if not neutral, at least somewhere I can not pretend anymore.
Anyway, this week has been honestly the worst. My hormones have kicked in, so I've relapsed into self harm severely over the past 3 days. Usually the day after I self harm my emotions tend to level out, but they haven't instead exacerbating to the nth degree. I've been considering ctb ever since the start of the week, and it has only gotten louder with each passing moment. I don't even have a plan, just the want for it to end. I keep hoping that as soon as I lay down, it'll be over. But it never is.
My RSD is also acting up terribly poorly. I've become overly attached to one of my other friends, and I am scared I've pushed him away. Even after I've asked him if hes tired of me, if he still cares about me, if he's upset at me, and he says no and genuinely apologises and tells me he's excited to see me next, I'm still so scared I've done something. I want to push him away, I want to push everyone away and I want to CTB. I'm dizzy with how much it's running through my brain at the moment. I need it to be over. I tried writing down how I felt and I've just ended up making myself feel worse. I've reminded myself of how little it all matters. How little I matter.
I was speaking to an acquaintence about how if I died, I would be easy to replace, and she did the whole 'oh, no you're not, you're unique and so many people would miss you' but I just. I know thats not true? Out mutual friend is better at everything I'm okay at, he's friendlier, funnier, better looking. I'm hopeful that when I ctb, when I leave behind the stack of papers explaining to people what happened to me and why it is all my fault, that they will see me for exactly what I know I am.
I've also recently started having dissocciative spells again. I know I have. Time has been passing and I don't know how. I'm scared because I want to bury that part of me with the rest of the pieces I hate. I need it to be quiet, I need it to shut off. I need it to shut up. I can't let people know what they're like, because they don't need to know that part of me until I am gone.
I'm sorry. I'm being incredibly whiny and I know I should be grateful to have people to care, but I just. Can't.
Anyway, this week has been honestly the worst. My hormones have kicked in, so I've relapsed into self harm severely over the past 3 days. Usually the day after I self harm my emotions tend to level out, but they haven't instead exacerbating to the nth degree. I've been considering ctb ever since the start of the week, and it has only gotten louder with each passing moment. I don't even have a plan, just the want for it to end. I keep hoping that as soon as I lay down, it'll be over. But it never is.
My RSD is also acting up terribly poorly. I've become overly attached to one of my other friends, and I am scared I've pushed him away. Even after I've asked him if hes tired of me, if he still cares about me, if he's upset at me, and he says no and genuinely apologises and tells me he's excited to see me next, I'm still so scared I've done something. I want to push him away, I want to push everyone away and I want to CTB. I'm dizzy with how much it's running through my brain at the moment. I need it to be over. I tried writing down how I felt and I've just ended up making myself feel worse. I've reminded myself of how little it all matters. How little I matter.
I was speaking to an acquaintence about how if I died, I would be easy to replace, and she did the whole 'oh, no you're not, you're unique and so many people would miss you' but I just. I know thats not true? Out mutual friend is better at everything I'm okay at, he's friendlier, funnier, better looking. I'm hopeful that when I ctb, when I leave behind the stack of papers explaining to people what happened to me and why it is all my fault, that they will see me for exactly what I know I am.
I've also recently started having dissocciative spells again. I know I have. Time has been passing and I don't know how. I'm scared because I want to bury that part of me with the rest of the pieces I hate. I need it to be quiet, I need it to shut off. I need it to shut up. I can't let people know what they're like, because they don't need to know that part of me until I am gone.
I'm sorry. I'm being incredibly whiny and I know I should be grateful to have people to care, but I just. Can't.
. At least tomorrow starts a new one. 
