Venting thought my mother was a good person.

[consider]

When I was a kid, I got beaten by my dad very badly. He hates children. he would just snap and beat me without a second. He also wants me not to cry after beating. I remember one time I tried so hard to hold my breath want to stop crying but failed so I got more beating.

Years later, one time I had a car crash. I was the passenger so I could see the accident going to happen but there was nothing I could do.
I felt I gonna die. I suddenly recognized that was exactly what I felt every time my father ran to me with anger.

When I received beating, my mom just watched silently. I told myself that's because she didn't know how terrible it was. (she never got beaten by my father because she was a good wife to him)

I had a grandfather who sexually harassed his daughters-in-law. One time he picked me up to sit on his lap and my mom instantly put me away from him without any explanation.

Because of this, I believed she would protect me if she knew how hurt I felt.

She knew. She just told me this on the phone and she thought she was the victim just like me so there was nothing she could do.

I was shocked and told her she was an adult there and I was a child under 5. She absolutely could do something. but she insisted that's was my father's fault and none of her business and told me it wasn't nice to question her because she was 59 and I can do whatever I like to my own child in the future if I don't like how they treated me.

I don't know how to think of this now. my mother suddenly becomes a different person for me in my life. I truly believed she would protect me if she knew how painful it was and this was very important for me for my recovery.

I feel devastated.

 

[LapseInTime]

It certainly doesn't sound like there was much love when you were growing up:

"I was a child under 5", "I got beaten by my dad very badly", "my mom just watched silently", "she insisted that was my father's fault"
Her not doing anything, that's not her father's fault, but rather, a responsibility she didn't stand up to.. What astounds me is that, even though she did protect you from your grandfather, she seems to have developed a tolerance for beating, as opposed to sexual harassment. Is beating preferable? A lesser form of abuse? Is there some sort of threshold, and if so, what would that be?

The way she responded to you over the phone is... really bad. What does it mean "if I don't like how they treated me"? Why the "if"? Was there any chance a child could like getting beaten by their father as their mother watched passively? She even witnessed it, doesn't she know whether you "liked" it or didn't? And why the interest and "suggestions" about your children as if she was decent to hers?

It looks like a bad situation and I am sorry you found yourself in that, on top of all the beatings you endured as a kid. If she felt that she would make it worse or that she would be punished in some way, that we could discuss, but to act so dismissively of something she was witnessing -and had a duty to put to an end- and to take on a "take it or leave it, like it or not" attitude, that's a hyperbole.

I too have been faced with "if you didn't like it" moments. Was she cowering in fear or is she cowering to be accountable - what a good example to their kids. I find that people above 40-50 are most likely to do this. I really hope she apologizes before very long. In fact, I think she's well aware she must, whether she actually does or doesn't.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

This is domestic violence at it's finest. She was frightened of your dad, that is why she didn't stand up to him. I grew up around this when I was little too, but it was a different dad (one of my siblings), and my eldest sibling and I were sexually abused, the youngest wasn't because it was his kid. My mum knew. I found out years later and questioner her. She said she "had a feeling" and wondered who the monster was coming in our room at night. Well, this man broke all sorts of bones - her skull, arm etc. He poured hot water over her head in front of us, I'm not going to go on, that is merely a few examples. That was WITHOUT questioning things. It was horrific. I remember yet I was a toddler. Probably started when I was about 1. Yes, that too.

Anyway, this doesn't make her a bad person, good people make poor decisions all the time. When you are scared of someone, especially someone dangerous and they don't need to be violent to be dangerous.

Coercive control is a real thing. There's many women out there that can't do anything when their kids are being hurt by the same person that's hurting them. Don't think they don't want to do something, but if they do, they're going to make the situation worse. What if this dangerous man was to kill your mum and you had to live with him? You wouldn't have had a clue about it. Shit happens that we don't even know about. It is very dangerous to stand up to a man like that. Very dangerous. Standing up to them and leaving them are the most dangerous times of all.

Unfortunately, I've been there myself, because of shit I went through as a child. It was normalised to me. I wish I could take it all back, but I was a child myself in an abusive relationship (15). A broken kid.

What I'm trying to say is, your mum made decisions based on the situation at the time. It doesn't make her a bad person. Try to understand what she was going through at the time. She did her best to protect you. Sometimes we are quick to judge when we don't know the truth. There's plenty parents keep from their kids to try and protect them. Try to have some empathy for your mum, and understand why she couldn't do anything about it.

I'm sorry you went through this, I bet your mum feels guilty every single day for the things you went through. As you get older, you will begin to realise it isn't as black and white as it seems, and our parents to through shit too. Everyone makes poor decisions, everyone. She did her best at the time

 

[Warkman1]

When I was a kid, I got beaten by my dad very badly. He hates children. he would just snap and beat me without a second. He also wants me not to cry after beating. I remember one time I tried so hard to hold my breath want to stop crying but failed so I got more beating.

Years later, one time I had a car crash. I was the passenger so I could see the accident going to happen but there was nothing I could do.
I felt I gonna die. I suddenly recognized that was exactly what I felt every time my father ran to me with anger.

When I received beating, my mom just watched silently. I told myself that's because she didn't know how terrible it was. (she never got beaten by my father because she was a good wife to him)

I had a grandfather who sexually harassed his daughters-in-law. One time he picked me up to sit on his lap and my mom instantly put me away from him without any explanation.

Because of this, I believed she would protect me if she knew how hurt I felt.

She knew. She just told me this on the phone and she thought she was the victim just like me so there was nothing she could do.

I was shocked and told her she was an adult there and I was a child under 5. She absolutely could do something. but she insisted that's was my father's fault and none of her business and told me it wasn't nice to question her because she was 59 and I can do whatever I like to my own child in the future if I don't like how they treated me.

I don't know how to think of this now. my mother suddenly becomes a different person for me in my life. I truly believed she would protect me if she knew how painful it was and this was very important for me for my recovery.

I feel devastated.

I had tears reading this