Thread for venting

[Hecubaa]

I've noticed other people start threads to talk about their experiences, thoughts, and suicidal ideation or intentions so I'll do the same. I am a little worried that I need to vent to an extent to which I'd end up giving too much information that would make me recognizable, which wouldn't have scared me before but terrifies me now since having been involuntarily admitted. I can't really journal because I have an aversion to it since all the trouble I have gotten in as a teenager when my parents would read my journals and just any of my writing.

I've been struggling a lot recently because every single aspect of my life sucks and I feel powerless to do anything about it. It is feeling so powerless and overwhelmed and incapable of changing anything for the better that has lead me back to suicidal ideation. I want to be happy more so than to die but it feels completely out of reach. I ruined my relationship with my partner twice and now they are essentially ghosting me. They moved out of our place and I ended up making some bad decisions and now my living situation sucks. I have asked the 'friend' who moved in with me to help me clean the place several times because, although I know the mess is mainly mine, it would become much easier for me to keep it clean if we first got it all nice. I feel too overwhelmed to do it by myself and the mess makes me feel gross and results in an unhealthy lifestyle where I can't really cook or take care of myself or do anything productive. I have ADHD, social anxiety, possibly BPD and am unmedicated and don't have a proper therapist because I don't have health insurance and getting it is overwhelming and confusing. I might also be at risk of deportation from the country I lived in for my whole adult life. I screwed myself over academically and at my job because of my mental health and now none of the things I hoped to achieve in those aspects of my life seem possible. I'm pretty broke and am at risk of losing my job. I drink a lot, although I don't think I'm an alcoholic but rather struggle with boredom and impulsive and compulsive behaviors. I'm just miserable all the time. I feel like I just need support from the people in my life and although I know it is not fair to ask that of them I wish they would at least tried. Especially my ex partner. I text them so much every day just explaining what is going on in my life and asking for help but also expressing care and support towards them if they need any. I know I should not think this way but it feels like the only thing that would give me a chance to drag myself out of the hole I'm in is my ex-partner moving back in with me and supporting me (I'd support them too however I could) through all of it.

My current plan is to try to improve my life on my own one day at a time and, if I fail (feels like I will) start seriously looking into CTB methods. I'm too exhausted and desperate to deal with all this. The constant fear that things will get worse, the impeding feeling of doom, the inability to experience joy, all of that. There's no reason to keep living if that's the only way life can be.

 

[Hecubaa]

Time to post an update here. I was doing better on Monday and actually felt decently motivated, enough so that I cleaned a lot of my pets' things such as litter box, automatic feeder, water bowls, all that. Made breakfast and even did the dishes and some laundry before work. And did decently well at work(which I need to because I am risking getting fired.) I also did not drink at work as I normally do. I had a few problematic interactions that made me upset but I still managed to do everything I had to and I feel like, under normal circumstances, I would have totally lost it with everything that was going on. I would love to vent about what happened but it would give too much information about who I am so I cannot do it publicly but feel free to private message me if you're willing to listen. Tuesday was tougher and I felt on edge all day. I still did okay at work but certainly allowed my mood to come through and I also did drink while working. Today, however, my suicidal ideation is fully back and I feel very anxious and restless. Trying to not fall into planning to CTB just yet.