Discussion Thread where I document my progresses.

[anopenwound]

Some people on SaSu incentivized me to write some updates every now and again to let them know how it's going. I think it's a good idea - it keeps me in check, knowing that I can return on the forum to report. So here's today.


This morning I got heavily triggered. To be completely clear: the piece of news I got this morning would have completely pulverized me only a few months ago. It would have been enough to destroy me. To make me wanna come back here and post about wanting to end it. However, the thing that triggered me per se is absolutely nothing serious. It's a non issue. I'm not in danger, nothing bad is gonna happen to me at all, let alone end the world. It's fine. It's clear however that my body and mind disagree, 'cause as soon as I took the hit my nervous system went into complete shock. I'm still reeling from it. I'm grounded, even though I'm anxious, but I got a terrible headache.

The way I handle these things is I just unambiguously accept that this has hurt me, so much. I used to feel so embarrassed by all this. I still do - but I don't fight it out of embarrassment anymore. I don't go into denial, telling myself this is unfair and it just can't be. I tell myself that what I'm going through sure is horrible and everything, but it still is. This sort of stuff is the definition of something I can't do anything about. The only thing I can change is my actions (as we're all surely completely exhausted to hear, but it is true).

I dived into the pain head first. I immediately went to the toilet of my office and sat down. I confess, I franticly returned to old obsessive habits for a second. Looking for clues that, yet again, would have hurt me to no end once upon a time. They didn't this time. I'm glad. But I still felt a lot of pain, too much pain for a situation like this.
I turned off the lights. I laid down. I was so cold, I used my heavy coat as a blanket and its hoodie as a pillow. I put on ambient music. I tried to sleep. I maybe closed my eyes and floated in my subconscious for a couple of minutes. For the rest of that hour, I was just busy feeling all I needed to feel. The sensation that all is lost, that I'm lost, that I'm a horrible person, that I can't do anything right, that I'm not enough. The longing I still have that I keep on looking at as if it's an illness. I feel like all parts of myself are represented by these familiars - these creatures straight out of a fantasy book trying to pick me up and keep me safe while I'm trying to escape, scheming my exit plan, looking for ways to start it all over. They stop me from hurting myself further. They tell me imagining all the way things can go wrong won't help me. They ask me why I'm trying so hard to make myself suffer. Why I'm being so hard on myself.

I don't even cry this time. I realize that my chest is gonna feel so tight, no matter what I do, for the rest of the day. I go back to my desk, I get back to work on things that bring me comfort - there's no joy to be had on a day like this, unfortunately. It's the disease. It's BPD. It's just what it is.

I slowly come back to a state where I can at least pretend that nothing happened to me at all. My best friend calls me in for tea. We have a lovely time. She goes out and I stay home - I keep on working until now. My head is killing me. My body kept the score while I was busy trying not to give up. I think I prefer this to believing wholeheartedly that my existence is a detriment to everybody I ever cared for, but there's always a part of me that wonders - what if I should disappear? What if I died? Wouldn't it be better? But then again, my inner system, my tree of familiars whispers in my ears that I should keep going. That there's things I need to do.
Is it selfish to say my best friend would be too sad to see me go? Is it entitled to assume she'd miss me?
Cause I'd miss her. I don't want her to leave, and I won't leave her.
I wanna get to the point where I wanna stay 'cause I fully believe that I deserve it. Right now, my next step is trying to stay 'cause I want to do good by others. Not leaving my best friend is good. Doing something for those who need it the most is good. That's what I try to do everyday. It feels like atonement but I'm not sure I know what's the crime.
Sometimes I feel like the crime is just being here, as I am. Mentally ill, officially crazy, one of those people you should stay away from.
But I'm trying to do good. I'm still here.
There's people that need me and there's things I still need to do.

I comfort myself sometimes, telling myself I can always take that exit if my life will ever reach a real point of no return. But no, not yet - I survived so much. I don't wanna get there. I wanna live. I wanna do good. I wanna be good. I want to be.

I hope who I am is enough. I hope when I'll have to go I'll be forgiven. I hope there'll be justice for me, I hope there'll be justice for all. I'll fight for this until I'll no longer be here.

 

[bloomingsicklecell]

what you're going through genuinely sound like a nightmare, like hell on earth. but you seem like a very strong person. you're in so much pain, yet you still care about others, and you care about doing good things. that takes incredible strength. whatever you decide to do with your life is valid. if you feel like you should keep going, I support you and I have a lot of respect for you for this. whatever happens, I hope it gets easier and more bearable for you because you genuinely don't seem like somebody who deserves to go through such horrors. remember, everyone deserves happiness

 

[Redacted24]

To me, you're doing all that you can do. Keep listening to the encouraging words, to the ones that are in the balcony operating the spotlight, shining onto your stage and putting the characters into clear view.

As you're then able to see what's trying to steal the show for what it is, you're more empowered. You have awareness and can get it's measure. You can put your shoulders back, hands on hips, and stare it down.

Just like you're doing.

Sure it's still a battle. Your soreness will attest to that! But the stage also has others that are in the show, and that care about you just as you care about them. They - we - are your supporting cast. But it's your show. You're the lead.

Be kind to yourself. Your castmates would appreciate that. And the audience in the cheap seats (this site) are cheering you on.

 

[anopenwound]

Well well well, if it isn't yet another downfall the one I'm going to talk about.

So long story short, yesterday I had to go to an event that is DRENCHED in triggers. Needless to mention, I got triggered, which is something I expected. What I didn't expect, however, was to receive one of the most loaded phone calls of my life just PRIOR to said event, which transformed my state of being from moderately ready to a complete mess. I was already planning on drinking a bit to survive the day, but instead I ended up drinking A LOT. Which has been... difficult to witness for my friends to say the least.

Fast forward to this morning - my best friend tells me she got really upset with me last night for how I acted and for the position I've put my date in. I talked to my date separately and she seemed completely understanding and very gentle - she said she's seen these meltdowns before, having had a long relationship with someone who also had BPD. However, my best friend was still upset and felt like having gone through a lot that day isn't an excuse for my behavior. Which it isn't. She's one hundred percent right.

Of course the first feelings I got when reading these messages were this extreme wave of self loathing, but my best friend is my best friend for a reason; she mentioned, alongside her complaint, that she doesn't need an apology or an extreme display of that self loathing - she just needed me to hear this. And while I'm still carrying the enormous embarrassment of having done yet another one of my infamous mistakes, the BPD episode where I vomit both literal puke and figurative, emotional blabber about all the things that aren't ok in my life, I'm trying to hold space for the margin to improve my situation. I can't just keep on apologizing and then do the exact same thing the next time I'll have a difficult event to go to, can I?

In some ways, this feeling that I need to do better than this erased most of what originally triggered me last night. 'Cause it's intellectually undeniable that nothing that I went through was terrible, but this? Distressing my friends isn't exactly great, and it's something I've done. Not somebody else, me. I'm not the victim here.

I wanna try and stay positive, so for much that this is gonna sound like a pointless brag, I need to say I'm glad I managed to have a conversation with my best friend where I could just own to this and then carry on to talk about what's going on with her. I didn't fall into being defensive - especially 'cause there was nothing to be defensive about. She just talked sense into me. She wasn't attacking me at all, she was being gracious. Being honest with those you love, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, it's the greatest kindness you can do to them. I love her for this, even if it is causing me some form of embarrassment and sorrow. The need for her to do this came from me, so what was there to say other than "you're right"?

Once upon a time something like last night would have sent me into the depths of hell, my friends would have been forced to mind me and possibly feel compelled to not be honest with me about things. I don't doubt my best friend has always been honest with me but I also don't doubt I kept on putting her in this awkward position for a long time. It isn't right. I told her the main reason why I feel mortified is that I wanna be a better friend for her. She told me I'm an exceptional friend for her, she just doesn't want to see me self destruct. Now that I have problems believing, not because I think she's lying, but because I don't think I'm exceptional.
Which can only mean that I gotta work on that.

I feel extreme gratitude for all the therapy I've gotten - the therapy that made me strong enough to have tough conversations with my loved ones, to be here writing in the recovery section of this forum rather than spiral down in the main one. I'm grateful for how wonderful people around me are, wonderful enough to hold me accountable with care rather than judgement. I could avoided getting this fucked up in so many ways, especially 'cause my triggers don't hurt me as much as they used to, but I didn't; I'm writing here today 'cause I need to write down in clear letters that this has to be the last time I'll cope with something so manageable in such a destructive way. It's for the people I love. It's cause I don't wanna just be an exceptional friend to my best friend in the sense that I'll stop messing things up - I wanna be there for her as much as she is for me. I can't do it if I keep on staring at my wounds.
Then maybe, at some point, I'll also be able to do things for me. To be better for me. To be kinder to myself. I think I'm getting there, but I want the reason for this to be that I'm actually proud of myself.
I gotta be honest - I'd love to hear one day from my best friend that she's proud of the fact that I'm trying, of how far I'm coming. I'm gonna make them all glad I'm in their lives. I want them to be proud of me. And I wanna be proud of myself.

I'll go get something to eat now. There's no goodness left in my body and the reason I'm feeling a little blue is probably that, on top of everything else. I know, it's boring to hear... but sleeping and eating actually does something for you, doesn't it?

Thanks for getting through this post, I appreciate all of you here so much.

 

[Redacted24]

Hi there, it's been a while...I hope you've been able to show yourself some grace. You're doing the best you can. And we're pulling for you, with support and encouragement.
Your friend is truly special for their honesty and understanding. They obviously care about you a lot, and feel comfortable sharing things that they know you might not like.

That's a true friend. So many people would have just avoided the difficult topic. They didn't.

Hoping that you're continuing to try, and that you're proud of every achievement. Even if it might seem small, it's still something.
Small steps are good. Keep taking them.
And say hi when you're passing by sometime, okay?

 

[Regen]

Thanks! The fact that you described what you did in such detail was inspiring and very helpful to me!

Sounds like you are on exactly the right path. I wish you hope and strength.

 

[anopenwound]

Here again. Life is going great but... I'm spiraling and I just caught myself doing that. I need to write so I came back.

Everything is ok. In the worst of times I got support, I'm gonna have support. I'm not at risk of losing all I got. But I do feel a little hopeless. I do feel sad and tired, I guess.
When I wanted to die my main reason, unspoken before, was that I was hoping that all these heavy secrets people shared with me, the reason why everything got so complicated, would die with me. That those burdens would also disappear from the lives of people I touched - especially those who I touched for the worst. I was hoping that would break the cycle. In other words, I was hoping my death was gonna make some people feel better.
Simultaneously, I was hoping they'd feel sad I was gone. As if I could hover above their heads and see them actually caring. It was a comfort for a very short while. At the moment I can't imagine that happening for the life of me. I legitimately think, yet again, that me going would do them good. Yet I don't wanna die anymore, for strange that that is.

I'm caught in between these haunting feelings of despair, the neverending sensation that I'm in terrible danger and that I should defend myself from people that misrepresent me, that hate me, that are obviously gonna hurt me AND the belief that I'm the one that made my life this way. I'm fucked in the head. BPD is making me attach to people in such a way that it brings them to do shit that ends up hurting me.

Where is the line? How do I decide which faults are mine and which are theirs? I've been told I'm deranged ever since I was a child. I was groomed (literally) into not trusting myself. Gaslit into becoming an inanimate object that has to rely on other people's guidance to exist. I never felt allowed to have my own life. The only comfort were these mad obsessions, these unhealthy attachments - these fantasies of yet again another person, a good one this time, saving me from all this. Kickstarting my life in my place.

I know now it's all bullshit and I feel a thousand years old. I'm 30 but I feel like a child. I wish all that I'm doing for myself now, for joyous that it is, I did when I was younger. When life could be less of a shitshow like it is now.

I feel a little sad and lost tonight. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I wish I was braver, a better friend, a better human. I need to cry but tears aren't coming out. I feel like I'm just born into the horrible world we all share, like life is real for the first time and all I do is grieving all that never had a chance to be. I still do a lot, but there's a lot to shed tears for. I'm usually pretty upbeat, more than I've ever been in my entire life, but tonight is one of those nights.

I told a friend of mine, I'll tell you all here: I hope this narrow way brings me somewhere good, 'cause I'm so tired. Man, I'm so fucking tired.

 

[Redacted24]

It's okay to feel sad and lost sometimes... it's part of being human. And you've had more challenges than is even remotely fair. To keep pushing those obstacles aside is hard, exhausting work.
Of course you are tired.
You're pushing through.
Give yourself a moment to catch your breath.
Give yourself a small reward for those steps.

At some point you should consider lightening your load.

All the things people have told you are burdening you... you're carrying those, in addition to your own... maybe there's a hollow log on the path where you can cache them?
They'll be there if you ever need them again. No need to keep score about which are whos. Just keep pushing through the dark. Fearlessly.
Don't undersell what you've accomplished so far.

 

[anopenwound]

Hey again.

Everything is ok, but I had an unforeseeable moment of emotional heightening. It escalated very quickly. I had to leave my best friend's place in a hurry.
What will follow in writing over here isn't meant to garner sympathy, or pity, or sweet words of comfort. I'm not just saying things to elicit any form of emotional response. I just really, REALLY need to write this down.

In the last couple of days I tried to think about what I got out of this year. I feel like my personality shifted and I became more callous, my edges hardened, if anything to protect an inside that is still very soft. However, I also feel like a part of me is dying.
I think it's better if it dies. I think whatever was left of my naivete', it's better for it to be gone. But in the process, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose whatever it is that makes me a decent person.

This past year has been marked by loss in every sense of the term. People disappeared or died as of recent, relationships ended (with my family especially), I've been showed an insane lack of care when it came to social and political matters and sometimes to my person. Not all the time, obviously; I'm lucky that way. My people care about me. But I really, really can't shake the feeling that whatever I will ever do for others, they will never do the same for me.

I'd tell them, I swear to God I'd do it if I thought the circumstances where I got that impression were legitimate. But they weren't. My mind is focusing on things that cannot be hold as representative of this situation. Still. It aches.

I can't love like a normal person does; I love like someone that is mentally ill. My heart shatters in a hundred different pieces and some of them will always be missing in the process of putting it back together. I got better when I started accepting that that's just the way things are. But the more I feel like I need to be ok with this the more I lose hope for anything to ever get better. Maybe all is already good and I just can't appreciate it.
'Cause that's the kicker, isn't it? I only feel love, in the romantic sense of the term, for people who aren't here. Those who are don't elicit these feelings in me. The feelings I see other people holding in their hearts for their partners.
I look at them and I just know, for the first time in my life, that I never experienced any of it. I just can't imagine loving and being loved back, or being loved and loving them back. It doesn't compute as real. It's a nice little fantasy I tell myself before going to sleep, one I used to believe in, wholeheartedly, but I don't anymore. I don't think I'm capable of it.

I think about all I did for people that are no longer in my life, for those who are still here. I never felt loved in the same way I love them. Whatever I will ever do for others, they will never do the same for me. Is that the way things were and are? I think they've definitely been that way. I don't know that they are now, but it feels as if it's still true.

I keep on thinking about a particular incident and how much it signaled to me, clear as day, that I'm not loved that way. Since then I kept on growing colder and colder - not as a person, I wanna hope, but towards these dreams I used to have. This idea that I'll be loved in such a special way. It's bullshit, isn't it?
I feel like that way every time I look at my friends with their partners.
It's not their fault... I have to write it down not to leave that possibility even implied. They're normal. I'm faulty. I'm wrong.

I think I'm done going out of my way for others; I don't wanna keep on feeling this sting, this sensation of being too much and too little at the same time. I tried to be everything there is to love in a person for my entire life and there's nothing left to prove that it meant anything to those whose lives I touched. How pathetic is that? How sad is that?

I'm crying over the keyboard and it's not out of some level of relief - it's grief. 'Cause I really, really loved being there for others. It wasn't just something I was doing to be loved myself and that's it, I also liked going above and beyond for those I love. 'Cause I love them so much. I liked to think that there was also proof in my doing, in my craft, in my passion.
Everything fell apart. It's starting to feel a lil stupid. It doesn't matter. Whatever I do or I've ever done it wasn't that important 'cause love doesn't work that way and I'd know, I'd fucking know if I wasn't mentally ill. Wouldn't I?
People fall in love for reasons that have little to do with your achievements, with your looks, with what you do. All of this matters OBVIOUSLY, but if love was something you could work out on paper we wouldn't live in a world like ours. People fall in love because they do. They didn't fall in love in me because they didn't fall in love with me. It's not a character flaw not to love me, it isn't because I didn't do enough or too much. I know that - intellectually. Emotionally, I'm cold as a stone.

I'll repeat myself - I don't think I ever loved like you're supposed to. I don't think I've ever been loved the way I love. I don't know that I'm ever gonna feel any of it. I feel stunted and exhausted. It seems to come so easy to those around me. It's a gigantic wall to climb for me and I keep on falling.

I really don't wanna lose anything good that there is in what I do for people I care about, but I'm dry and I feel cold and lonely and spent. This year taught me how meaningless everything has been. I changed because of it. I made myself stronger because of it. And I hate that sometimes I still cry about it.

I didn't want to make any particular points in writing this and I hope being subjected to it wasn't too atrocious. I'm confident I'm gonna feel ok again. But believe me, I really needed to write this. I needed to look into my head and finally manage to cry.

It's been a fucking horrible year. I only wish it could be over sooner. I don't wanna expect anything out of the next 'cause I'm too scared of it being even worse. I find myself praying to God to give me a break, which is ridiculous, 'cause he ain't giving a break to Palestinians, or Ukrainians, or poor people, black people, trans people, etc etc. But still my heart is screaming please, enough. I got it. I'm letting go. I'm trying as hard as I can. I'm desensitized, I'm harder, I'm larger than life. Just please, give me a second to catch my breath.

I'll be ok again, I swear. I just needed to write this.

 

[Redacted24]

We're with you. Take a breath. You deserve that. And then some.