Discussion thrill of people’s reactions

[maneose]

does anyone have this weird feeling of excitement and thrill when thinking of people finding out? not particularly about people finding the body, just how they react when they find out you're dead and how you died? even the fact they might end up on old posts of your vents and things like that? for me i can't help but imagine laughing in everyone's faces, whether they were good to me or not. well, mostly if they ton things to make me believe they just don't actually give a shit about me, that's who i mainly imagine myself laughing at. having multiple experiences of people shutting down any talk about trauma, depression, and anxiety. seeing it more of a average struggle that some tough love can fix, then just allowing you to vent out your frustrations or understand that your suffering isn't just another stone on the path? the betrayal hurts more than past abusive or shitty people in the past, because you can acknowledge they never liked you. having your friends and family treat you like, well they never liked you to begin with, they just tolerate your existence, they'll grief for the person they first knew, not the person you are now. in fact the don't even acknowledge the person you are now, they are just so comfortable with being around you for so long it becomes an inconvenience and shock to the system if you're gone. i wanna shove it in so many peoples faces that "ha! i did it, i told you so many times i was gonna do it! you didn't care or even acknowledge the times i cried for help!" even for the people who didn't seem to ignore me like that, knowing that a disappearance or death will make them wistfully wish for more time with me, or remember small memories they have makes me feel fuzzy in the tummy.

but that's all (if) i end up doing it that is, but in the meantime i'll just be imagining it for fun

 

[theblueveil]

Yes, absolutely. The logical part of me makes sure that my loved ones will never find this account, never know that I am suffering, and does not want them to be sad, but there is a small emotional part of me that wants them to be shocked and horrified when they find out, and to grieve deeply for me. I hope that how people have treated you in the past does not continue to hurt you, or that you could find peace one day.