exiled
i gave so many signs
- Jun 17, 2023
- 302
I've made a few posts about my current therapist on here. It would mean a lot to me if you could read it for additional context. It's really long, so if you can't, I completely understand. Please click here if you have the headspace to give it a read. I really just want a place to put all my feelings and type what I want to say to him. I'm refraining from reaching out to him at the moment and if you have full context it will make more sense as to way I am a little avoidant right now. Right now, my biggest reasoning for wanting to CTB is the situation with him. I don't say that to blame him or make it sound like he is responsible for any of that. It just is the fact of the matter.
My story is one that isn't easy to believe. Since my earliest memories, teachers, school counselors, friends, and peers all doubted my reality. It is hard for me to type and get into it at the moment because my brain is in too many different places, but my point in saying that is I feel as if there is no hope for me. My circumstances feel beyond repair. The only hope I was given was my therapist, who believed in me and helped me leave my abusive situation after 27 years of being in it. (I lived with my abusive family my whole life and was terrified to get my own apartment for so long. He was the first person in my life that helped me believe I could do it. And so I did.)
He's mad at me. Again, full context above. But. I feel the distance and the absence. He used to send me lines from books he was reading at least a couple times a week. When he traveled on two separate occasions, he brought me back meaningful "gifts" (a crystal once, and sage from a dessert another time). He said that the only reason he is doing all of this is because he believes in me.
All of a sudden he has completely pulled back from all of it. Treats me like I am not important. Treats me like I am just another part of his job. After everything he did. He's gaslit me into thinking that I am the one that burdened him with my story when in reality he inserted himself deeper than he could handle. Everything feels like it is all my fault.
My sessions are usually Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I always feel the urge to CTB on Thursdays the most because my brain is addicted to regaining his approval. Since we do not talk outside of session anymore, I feel like I am only living for two hours out of the week, in an effort to try and convince him to "come back" to me. During session, he continually tells me he does not understand why I think he doesn't care. He even gets playful/flirtatious with his banter. He acts like nothing has changed. It makes me feel insane.
It's Thursday night and I want it all to end. Next weekend is a holiday on Tuesday so my sessions aren't until Wednesday and Thursday. I am dying to tell him how I feel. I've explained it before in multiple sessions, multiple long paragraphs, but it all results the same. It's been a while since I have really told him how he has made me feel but I am scared. He gets so defensive of himself and I do not want to make him mad. I do not know what to do. How am I supposed to get through Friday... and Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...
Every millisecond of existence is excruciating. I completely realize this sounds like the unhealthiest dynamic. People want to jump to say it is codependent and toxic and that I need to chill. Maybe that's true. Maybe it does sound like a classic case of an abusive relationship. However, I am not one to jump to that conclusion.
I give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he has a good heart, but is completely lost due to the situation. Is my emotional dependence on him necessarily the best thing ever? Nope. Not even close. I hate that my entire motivation could stem from just ONE text from him confirming he cares. It's so unhealthy, I know. However... When things were good between us, I was at my best. I made moves that took me my entire life to make. I do not think it's bad to have someone in your life that you "depend" on (in a healthy way) to where you know them having your back makes all the difference.
I'd like to have that healthy balance with him again. But it seems more and more impossible. He has pulled back for three full months now.
Is there any hope? At all, that he will come around? Is there any chance he still cares? Is there any chance his pull back is actually a sign of really truly loving and caring about me or is this a "if he wanted to he would" type of situation?
Side: If you are someone who uses Discord and are willing to be there for me on a more personal level during the day, it would really mean a lot to me. Comment below if you do and I will DM you my tag.
My story is one that isn't easy to believe. Since my earliest memories, teachers, school counselors, friends, and peers all doubted my reality. It is hard for me to type and get into it at the moment because my brain is in too many different places, but my point in saying that is I feel as if there is no hope for me. My circumstances feel beyond repair. The only hope I was given was my therapist, who believed in me and helped me leave my abusive situation after 27 years of being in it. (I lived with my abusive family my whole life and was terrified to get my own apartment for so long. He was the first person in my life that helped me believe I could do it. And so I did.)
He's mad at me. Again, full context above. But. I feel the distance and the absence. He used to send me lines from books he was reading at least a couple times a week. When he traveled on two separate occasions, he brought me back meaningful "gifts" (a crystal once, and sage from a dessert another time). He said that the only reason he is doing all of this is because he believes in me.
All of a sudden he has completely pulled back from all of it. Treats me like I am not important. Treats me like I am just another part of his job. After everything he did. He's gaslit me into thinking that I am the one that burdened him with my story when in reality he inserted himself deeper than he could handle. Everything feels like it is all my fault.
My sessions are usually Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I always feel the urge to CTB on Thursdays the most because my brain is addicted to regaining his approval. Since we do not talk outside of session anymore, I feel like I am only living for two hours out of the week, in an effort to try and convince him to "come back" to me. During session, he continually tells me he does not understand why I think he doesn't care. He even gets playful/flirtatious with his banter. He acts like nothing has changed. It makes me feel insane.
It's Thursday night and I want it all to end. Next weekend is a holiday on Tuesday so my sessions aren't until Wednesday and Thursday. I am dying to tell him how I feel. I've explained it before in multiple sessions, multiple long paragraphs, but it all results the same. It's been a while since I have really told him how he has made me feel but I am scared. He gets so defensive of himself and I do not want to make him mad. I do not know what to do. How am I supposed to get through Friday... and Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...
Every millisecond of existence is excruciating. I completely realize this sounds like the unhealthiest dynamic. People want to jump to say it is codependent and toxic and that I need to chill. Maybe that's true. Maybe it does sound like a classic case of an abusive relationship. However, I am not one to jump to that conclusion.
I give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he has a good heart, but is completely lost due to the situation. Is my emotional dependence on him necessarily the best thing ever? Nope. Not even close. I hate that my entire motivation could stem from just ONE text from him confirming he cares. It's so unhealthy, I know. However... When things were good between us, I was at my best. I made moves that took me my entire life to make. I do not think it's bad to have someone in your life that you "depend" on (in a healthy way) to where you know them having your back makes all the difference.
I'd like to have that healthy balance with him again. But it seems more and more impossible. He has pulled back for three full months now.
Is there any hope? At all, that he will come around? Is there any chance he still cares? Is there any chance his pull back is actually a sign of really truly loving and caring about me or is this a "if he wanted to he would" type of situation?
Side: If you are someone who uses Discord and are willing to be there for me on a more personal level during the day, it would really mean a lot to me. Comment below if you do and I will DM you my tag.
