Tired but sleepless

[NoHalfMeasures]

Just can't sleep tonight due to the suicidal thoughts. Anyone else?

 

[SolemnOnSunday]

Same here. I was going to call the police and tell them I had a hostage so they'd come after me. Now, I'm just sitting at my desk. I can't sleep at all. I just feel trapped, ultimately, and I don't have a reliable way to off myself.

Mind if I ask what is causing your thoughts?

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

Geez. I'm glad you didn't get the police involved. That doesn't sound peaceful, though I empathize with wanting a way out.
I'm pretty certain if I had SN, I would've drank it tonight on impulse.

A number of things are causing these thoughts, but mostly it's social anxiety and body dysmorphia (the gender dysphoria kind).

I feel trapped as well, with no way to kill myself quickly and easily.
Living keeps bringing pain.

 

[SolemnOnSunday]

Geez. I'm glad you didn't get the police involved. That doesn't sound peaceful, though I empathize with wanting a way out.
I'm pretty certain if I had SN, I would've drank it tonight on impulse.

A number of things are causing these thoughts, but mostly it's social anxiety and body dysmorphia (the gender dysphoria kind).

I feel trapped as well, with no way to kill myself quickly and easily.
Living keeps bringing pain.

Yeah, it'd be a crappy thing to do, but then again, I live on a college campus and I'm broke, so there's no way for me to get ahold of a long gun. A barrage of bullets would probably do the trick so that's why I thought of suicide by police.

As for the social anxiety, I absolutely understand that. I stutter a lot when I am nervous. It's really hard meeting new people, especially when you feel insecure about a part of yourself. It feels like it's already counted against you in the interaction lol. I completely empathize. As for the gender dysphoria, I gotchu. I don't struggle with that myself, but I can understand it. Wanting to look a certain way and wanting to act a certain way are two different things. You can totally dress like an archetype and try to embody the energy of it, but it might not feel genuine because some parts of yourself just don't align. I have no clue which parts of your body bother you, but it doesn't truly stop you from embodying the energy or the looks of whichever gender you feel you are. I know that if you haven't transitioned, it sucks. It really sucks. I am just speaking based on what I have read and heard, because I know people tend to use your anatomy against you to shut you down. Here's the thing tho: Just because your body doesn't match your mind, doesn't mean you aren't what you feel you are. The body can be molded and changed. Like with plastic surgery, it can be altered and that in turn alters how people perceive you and what you fundamentally are. It doesn't define you, but it portends the vision of yourself. Like a genotype and phenotype relationship.

I really empathize with the pain. I fell in love with a 31 year old woman when I was 16. I ended up having a relationship with her when I was 17. She was my first love. I truly loved her. The pain of losing her and watching her move on definitely bothers me. I don't know if it's because she manipulated me or because I am just super attached still, but that shit hurts. It definitely eats at you. A strong source of pain does not just go away. What has helped me to mitigate the pain the most is talking about it. Just talking about how I feel with someone who is willing to listen. Short-term hope is really good. Like, you know when you hear a speech or a song and you feel motivated to conquer the world? Using that momentum to start ventures really helps, because when the pain returns, you have a new outlet to either express that pain or find something to replace it. I do think you should do both sparingly. Like, switch between the two.

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

Yeah, it'd be a crappy thing to do, but then again, I live on a college campus and I'm broke, so there's no way for me to get ahold of a long gun. A barrage of bullets would probably do the trick so that's why I thought of suicide by police.

As for the social anxiety, I absolutely understand that. I stutter a lot when I am nervous. It's really hard meeting new people, especially when you feel insecure about a part of yourself. It feels like it's already counted against you in the interaction lol. I completely empathize. As for the gender dysphoria, I gotchu. I don't struggle with that myself, but I can understand it. Wanting to look a certain way and wanting to act a certain way are two different things. You can totally dress like an archetype and try to embody the energy of it, but it might not feel genuine because some parts of yourself just don't align. I have no clue which parts of your body bother you, but it doesn't truly stop you from embodying the energy or the looks of whichever gender you feel you are. I know that if you haven't transitioned, it sucks. It really sucks. I am just speaking based on what I have read and heard, because I know people tend to use your anatomy against you to shut you down. Here's the thing tho: Just because your body doesn't match your mind, doesn't mean you aren't what you feel you are. The body can be molded and changed. Like with plastic surgery, it can be altered and that in turn alters how people perceive you and what you fundamentally are. It doesn't define you, but it portends the vision of yourself. Like a genotype and phenotype relationship.

I really empathize with the pain. I fell in love with a 31 year old woman when I was 16. I ended up having a relationship with her when I was 17. She was my first love. I truly loved her. The pain of losing her and watching her move on definitely bothers me. I don't know if it's because she manipulated me or because I am just super attached still, but that shit hurts. It definitely eats at you. A strong source of pain does not just go away. What has helped me to mitigate the pain the most is talking about it. Just talking about how I feel with someone who is willing to listen. Short-term hope is really good. Like, you know when you hear a speech or a song and you feel motivated to conquer the world? Using that momentum to start ventures really helps, because when the pain returns, you have a new outlet to either express that pain or find something to replace it. I do think you should do both sparingly. Like, switch between the two.

Your words really speak to me. I'm touched you took the time to respond so thoughtfully. Just wanted to make that known to you.

That must be a suffocating feeling, especial on campus. I understand wanting the police to do the job since you feel as though there are no other options at this moment. They tend to be quick to kill, for better or for worse.

Dang, you really read me on the social anxiety. It truly feels like losing the battle before it's begun. I'm sorry that you can relate so much. Maybe with practice we can conquer this mountain called social interaction .

I appreciate your take on the gender dysphoria stuff. It's refreshing. I have transitioned, FtM, and supposedly I pass flawlessly but most people don't see the battle that happens inside, though I suppose most people have invisible battles.
One day I hope surgeries will advance to the point of creating completely seamless, functional anatomy (genitalia) but I'm not sure I'll be around long enough to see that happen. It seems rather silly for me to off myself because I wasn't born with a penis, but I'm not gonna lie, it's so hard when people constantly equate penis to being a man. I'm not even a masculine guy and don't really want to be.
I just desperately wish I was born with the proper equipment.

You seem very knowledgeable. I've used distractions as a way to cope, but never really thought about "outlets" like you mentioned. I'm very sorry what you had to go through in your first related. Sounds like you truly loved her. But if she had manipulated you, perhaps it was a blessing that things didn't work out, as painful as it is. It's so hard to see someone simply move on when you're still dealing with pain of breaking up and having to deal with the emotional and mental aftermath that losing a love brings.

 

[SolemnOnSunday]

Yeah, social anxiety just be like that. I've found that a really great way to go about it is to find someone who is alone. I don't even try to size them up or think about what they will think of me. I used to have bad acne, so the skin on my face isn't the best. I just approach them and try not to assume that they're gonna be grossed out. I try my best to appear calm, even if I am dying on the inside. I will usually approach them and say something like, "Hey, how is it going? I really like your (hair, eyes, nails, shoes, clothes, etc.) and was wondering where you (got them done, bought them from, what color they are, why you chose them, etc.) do you have like a minute or two to talk?" That gives you your first topic, and then it gives you a time limit. If they like you, you'll talk longer than two minutes. A quick tip: Be unabashedly yourself. I like to make a lot of weird jokes, or I'll interject like a fact or my opinion on something. It shows that you have a lot to say. With conversations, I like to jump from topic to topic. The more ground you can cover, the more information you'll get. Then you'll have topics to chat about when you get their contact info if you want that. You could also just stick to one topic. I would say, if you try to talk about two other topics after the first topic has died, and they don't seem interested, walk away. You've sown a seed. On another note, if you cannot seem to calm down or relax, say this to them: "I'm sorry if I seem awkward; I just struggle with talking to people. I really enjoy talking to you tho," or you could say, "I'm sorry if I seem off. I am trying to meet new people." You'd be surprised by how kind people can be. Because what you are telling them is kind of serious, keep eye contact. Eye contact and serious requests or statements go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Ahhh, I gotcha. I can only imagine how difficult that is. How hard it is to battle that constant affront to your identity by either others or self-doubt. Yeah, I am not trans, nor am I an expert on it, but I really feel for you on that note. It's hard lol when society pushes these ideas of what a man or a woman is, and then you have to deal with fitting into that, as well as the anatomy arguments. You know, it is really hard to fight common misconceptions. I can completely relate to that. I think it's silly to equate the presence of a penis to being a man, because what about people who lose their genitalia due to accidents? Does that make them less of their gender? No. Not at all. I think being a man has its own energies. Like there are feminine guys, masculine guys, guys in between those two ends of the spectrum, and guys that lean more toward one way than the other. It does not make you less of a man for being feminine. What it does make you less of is a specific type of man. You can't claim to be masculine when you are acting feminine, or at least in my mind. I think that a man is whatever you want it to be. Whatever you would like it to be. Being able to define yourself on your own terms. I'd say that shows more strength than anything else. I guess, as silly as it might sound, define what a man is for yourself. Be yourself completely and don't hide. Don't try to hide the most wonderful parts of yourself, even if they were a part of who you were before your transition. Take every element with you that you want to, because you ARE a man, and therefore, however you act is how a man should act. A man like you.

I know it is hard to feel that way when we haven't made those advancements. Personally, I feel like I was born in the wrong century. I really do. So I kind of have the opposite problem. I wish I was born earlier. All in all, you're here now. Do the best you can with what you can access. You have the spirit of a man. That's the manliest thing you can have. Don't let your outward appearance kill that spirit. I know that it is way, wayyy more complex than that, but people have all kinds of opinions. People believe all kinds of stuff. Your opinion is just as good as anyone else's if we aren't using any kind of qualifier's or requirements. You really have a kind soul, and you shouldn't let thoughts about what people might be like bring you down. It's easier said than done, but to be honest, I don't think most people care about if you transitioned or not. They won't think of you as less of a man. You are totally a man. People who disagree are just doing so because of what has been inculcated to them. They aren't experts.

I really appreciate your kind words. You are absolutely right. It's just difficult to see the truth when there are so many feelings involved.

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

Yeah, social anxiety just be like that. I've found that a really great way to go about it is to find someone who is alone. I don't even try to size them up or think about what they will think of me. I used to have bad acne, so the skin on my face isn't the best. I just approach them and try not to assume that they're gonna be grossed out. I try my best to appear calm, even if I am dying on the inside. I will usually approach them and say something like, "Hey, how is it going? I really like your (hair, eyes, nails, shoes, clothes, etc.) and was wondering where you (got them done, bought them from, what color they are, why you chose them, etc.) do you have like a minute or two to talk?" That gives you your first topic, and then it gives you a time limit. If they like you, you'll talk longer than two minutes. A quick tip: Be unabashedly yourself. I like to make a lot of weird jokes, or I'll interject like a fact or my opinion on something. It shows that you have a lot to say. With conversations, I like to jump from topic to topic. The more ground you can cover, the more information you'll get. Then you'll have topics to chat about when you get their contact info if you want that. You could also just stick to one topic. I would say, if you try to talk about two other topics after the first topic has died, and they don't seem interested, walk away. You've sown a seed. On another note, if you cannot seem to calm down or relax, say this to them: "I'm sorry if I seem awkward; I just struggle with talking to people. I really enjoy talking to you tho," or you could say, "I'm sorry if I seem off. I am trying to meet new people." You'd be surprised by how kind people can be. Because what you are telling them is kind of serious, keep eye contact. Eye contact and serious requests or statements go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Ahhh, I gotcha. I can only imagine how difficult that is. How hard it is to battle that constant affront to your identity by either others or self-doubt. Yeah, I am not trans, nor am I an expert on it, but I really feel for you on that note. It's hard lol when society pushes these ideas of what a man or a woman is, and then you have to deal with fitting into that, as well as the anatomy arguments. You know, it is really hard to fight common misconceptions. I can completely relate to that. I think it's silly to equate the presence of a penis to being a man, because what about people who lose their genitalia due to accidents? Does that make them less of their gender? No. Not at all. I think being a man has its own energies. Like there are feminine guys, masculine guys, guys in between those two ends of the spectrum, and guys that lean more toward one way than the other. It does not make you less of a man for being feminine. What it does make you less of is a specific type of man. You can't claim to be masculine when you are acting feminine, or at least in my mind. I think that a man is whatever you want it to be. Whatever you would like it to be. Being able to define yourself on your own terms. I'd say that shows more strength than anything else. I guess, as silly as it might sound, define what a man is for yourself. Be yourself completely and don't hide. Don't try to hide the most wonderful parts of yourself, even if they were a part of who you were before your transition. Take every element with you that you want to, because you ARE a man, and therefore, however you act is how a man should act. A man like you.

I know it is hard to feel that way when we haven't made those advancements. Personally, I feel like I was born in the wrong century. I really do. So I kind of have the opposite problem. I wish I was born earlier. All in all, you're here now. Do the best you can with what you can access. You have the spirit of a man. That's the manliest thing you can have. Don't let your outward appearance kill that spirit. I know that it is way, wayyy more complex than that, but people have all kinds of opinions. People believe all kinds of stuff. Your opinion is just as good as anyone else's if we aren't using any kind of qualifier's or requirements. You really have a kind soul, and you shouldn't let thoughts about what people might be like bring you down. It's easier said than done, but to be honest, I don't think most people care about if you transitioned or not. They won't think of you as less of a man. You are totally a man. People who disagree are just doing so because of what has been inculcated to them. They aren't experts.

I really appreciate your kind words. You are absolutely right. It's just difficult to see the truth when there are so many feelings involved.

I appreciate your insights on overcoming social anxiety. I know for sure that I get into my own head a lot and it can be easy to focus on how someone else might perceive me and that thought alone prevents me from talking to new people much. Funnily enough, I absolutely don't mind if someone else approaches me first. It's all about getting the courage to speak up and engage with other people if they aren't actively engaging me already. I'm not knowledgeable on many topics (maybe since I tender to hyperfocus on specific things that interest me), especially since I have a poor memory, but I'll try to engage people more next time I reach out to people. Maybe I'll get better with practice. Thank you for the advice.


Its funny you mention that guys who lose their penis in an accident are still guys. That's something my boyfriend has told me before, though somehow the idea doesn't do much to make me feel better. I can imagine it's awful to lose one's genitalia in a freak accident and I don't want to minimize the suffering that must cause for someone to experience that. But my brain can't help but think that they're still closer to being a man than I'll ever be, because they don't have female genitalia like I do, and those guys at one time had the whole male package. It's definitely tough being not only a more feminine guy, but a feminine guy who's also FtM. People can't seem to grasp the concept that there are FtM guys who prefer to appear more feminine in appearance. The best term I can use to describe myself is "femboy" though I somewhat loathe how the term is incredibly sexualized and people hyper fixate on femboys having the whole male package. After all, there are tomboys, AKA masculine girls. I don't see why I can't just be a feminine guy. Tomboys aren't sexualized nearly as much, I suppose because they're masculine women and not feminine. Femininity is just so sexualized for some reason.
There's a bit more to the gender dysphoria (not sure if I can even call it gender dysphoria since the suffering is only related to sex organs) that I haven't mentioned, mostly because I don't want to be needlessly graphic. But I suppose I'll include it. Looping back to the sexual stuff, I just wanted to mention that anything sexual is what gives me the most dysphoria, and I honestly have no clue how to deal with it when my body feels like it should have a penis (and balls). Again, I don't really want to get graphic about it, but there is a huge disconnect and absolute hatred for the genitalia I do have. Having a dick instead of what I currently have would completely annihilate at least 90% of the issues in my current relationship as well.
That got a bit rambly. I apologize. I would like to thank you for your willingness to dive into a topic that you don't have experience with yourself. It means a lot to me that you took time to write your thoughts on this thread at all.

I've heard of many people who feel like they were born in the wrong decade, or century, even. Could you elaborate more on why you feel you should've been born earlier? Genuinely curious, since I suppose that isn't something I've thought much about.

Life just keeps on going whether we want it to or not, and I don't know if you've found love again, but I'm sure you can find someone out there for you. You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders, as they say, and you're very selfless in the way you talk, putting your focus on others instead of yourself. I can't pretend there isn't a reason we both ended up on this site, but I do hope you give yourself a chance at life before committing to suicide.
I also apologize if you have already made up your mind. I don't want to be the guy who pushes someone to do something. But I did want you to know that you seem like a really cool person and you made a difference to at least one person today and last night.