Venting tired of being tired

[cantwaittoleave]

i just want to get something off my chest. that's an okay vent, right..?

i'm so lonely. i'm so fucking lonely. not horny, not needing to hold someone's hand or kiss them. i would just die for any sort of connection with anyone. my ex, who would always leave me and i'd wait like a dog for, now resents me for finally leaving. my dad doesn't say 'i love you' when hanging up and every night he drinks he gets meaner and meaner as the summer approaches. he never called me when i lived with my ex. none of my friends have been friends since high school. i have bpd and it just gets worse with every dip. i think im over things and im motivated to live a life and try again? no! within the day i will feel hopeless and plan out ways to ctb.. i have felt disconnected from everyone for over a year now and i feel like im going mad. it's been 20+ years of my life that i have felt detached and unwanted. my nostalgic memories are also sickeningly detached and i maladaptive daydream far too often for my own good. i have no motivation to do anything in life, let alone do (it) well. i'm tired. i'm sick of feeling this way. 20+ years is too many to feel this bad. anyone who told me it gets better was lying and didn't know. i'm fucking tired. and i'm tired of being tired. and i used to mumble that shit to myself over a decade ago in school. crazy. when will it end? god i hope it's peaceful. that's all i want; it may not be what i deserved but please just let it be peaceful.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Honestly...same

 

[CynicalCyanide]

So relatable damn. Tired of being tired. Maladaptive daydreaming. No connection to anyone. Even if I have my friends around me, or family I feel like a misfit. I cant seem to make a connection, only in a relationship, but she left me so...
Tired of being tired is a nice way of putting my feelings. Its not that it is so unbesrable I cant go 1 more day, but I feel like its more than enough to leave now

 

[timetogo00]

Bpd is hard. When you read statistics about it and the percentage who CTB or have other disorders with it, it shows you're not alone. I'm not giving a message about hope just that you're not alone. Have you tried connecting with communities of people who have it?

It's good to vent and let out your feelings, which you have. Some days are better than others for everyone but there's communities out here and physical locations for support.

When you're tired of being tired, perhaps it's time to do something different. Not that stupid breathe 123 shit but adding things to your life that are selfish and make you feel good whether its changing your hair color or going for a walk in the park learning about spirituality or finding your favorite TV show with snacks just a thing for you that allows your thoughts to shut off. Even gardening. Do you have a pet?

I don't know how old you are and your age doesn't matter but understand you're not alone and it sounds like you're overwhelmed. I hope you deeply reconnect to yourself because that helps with being able to connect to people. Give yourself compassion. No one is perfect. Go as long as you can.

You're right people are fucking liars when they say it gets better because they live in a different frame and with a different brain chemistry and haven't been through what you've been through. Please remember people with bpd can recover and get to a balanced state, even if they get off-balanced at times. It happens. Life happens

Also remember it gets better with age and by removing toxic people or anyone who causes you distress, whether it's parents or whoever. I wish you the best and something tells me you have more life left in you.

From your writing, I could feel your life force, and you are not ready. It's not your time. You have potential to work through this and help others.

 

[Hollowman]

Me too.