Venting Tired of myself and fiding friends

[Ameya]

I have been on here on Sasu for a little while and its only proof on how I really never got better.
I'm trying to be strong not to get loneliness under my skin, but it feels impossible really. I find people who are interested in me only for them to never call or text back every again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. What I personally do wrong to keep losing people or don't want them to interact with me.
I know I am a boring person. I'm inside all day and do nothing productive really....I still don't even have a job. It's pathetic really.
At new years eve I received a few texts of people saying how important I am to them. Yet they all celebrated without me and with their other friends instead. It is a double smack in the face. Everyone I go people ALWAYS already know everyone/each other. It feels IMPOSSIBLE to breech in and make friends. Since everyone is already busy with themselves. No matter if it's online spaces or real life spaces. I either lack the personality or manners. I don't really know what the fuck I lack. But then again in 2025 I was alone on new years eve.
I finally wanna do it. Just getting SN and be fucking done with it. But I am a weakling and can't do it yet. Well not aslong as my mother lives. I feel like she's the only person who really loves me for me. Well it's normal for a mother to do that of course.
I feel guilty everytime when I think about dying. She pops in my head and my stomach just turns and twists. I don't want to feel alone anymore or broken.
I don't know what to do I keep spinning in circles

 

[Crow_88]

Loneliness is the hardest part. It just rips us to shreds. And I think the idea of spinning in circles is apt. No matter where we turn it is impossible. I definitely understand what you are feeling. I have gone through many lonely holidays. That's for sure.