⋆♡⋆ riri ⋆♡⋆
huh?
- Sep 10, 2023
- 17
tw just in case idk: mentions of suicide, self harm/substance abuse, self deprecation, sexual themes, just a mindless rant idk sry in advance for how incoherent this all is
i wanna kill myself just to stick it to my parents. i hate that their answer to everything is prayer and god and religion. what the fuck has any of that done for me. i feel insane for even saying that and something crazy might happen to me just cuz i even typed that but that's how i genuinely feel. i kinda feel bad for feeling that way and doubting religion and a part of me is still scared of the consequences of not believing because that part of me also believes somewhat?
i hate myself. i suck at everything. school is a mess, i barely passed but my grades are so ass i'm at risk of losing my scholarship. i never even wanted to go to college but it was just "the thing you do after high school." anything else seemed strange to me. like i would be less than if i didn't go to college. so i picked a major that seemed pretty interesting to me. turns out you shouldn't make your passions a profession. idk at least from my pov. architecture seemed cool but now that i have to make 2-6 models a week i'm starting to regret ever doing college in the first place. i'm not doing any sports. even if i wanted to my grades r too bad to even think of signing up. i suck at math. physics is confusing. i'm just failing everything right now.
i tried opening up to my parents about my issues and asked if dropping out is an option. of course it's probably the last option because they already spent money on my education and i feel bad about that. i'm still trying because they paid for my education and i think the only think keeping me going is shame and the fear of disappointing them more than i already have. i don't want their sacrifices to be in vain. but i also wish i had more guidance and i kinda dislike them for that.
i feel like everything just happened outta nowhere. i hadn't even thought about anything after high school. i just figured things would be structured and easy forever. every day was the same. i did the same things, saw the same people, went to the same classes, the same practices, lived the same mundane high school life. i was living in a fantasy world. i never did anything cool or worthwhile or anything that remotely lived up to the "ideal high school experience." the most i did was went to a birthday/going away "party" (small gathering of like 10 people) that had minimal alcohol and weed. and by minimal i mean only two girls did shots and smoked while the rest of us watched. there was no risk of peer pressure or anything which was good i guess but also it was a small thing so yeah.
anyway yeah i didn't do shit in high school and now i feel sad about that. i spent my teenage years flying under the radar and being the most average person that ever averagely existed. normal? no. just average. i had a few friends that all came and went as the years passed. my classmates told me i looked unapproachable and like i was in my "own little world" a lot of the time which like???? i had no idea they thought that and it made me sad cuz how tf do i change that. i want people to talk to me but i guess i look too weird for that????
so now im an adult isolated from the world. i wasn't memorable in high school so i have like a handful of acquaintances that i talk to once a year basically. i feel like adulthood just hit me. like one minute im in high school, then i graduate, then yay summer break! then BOOM i'm 18 i have college admissions scholarships loans finances academics whatever the fuck hits you academically if you decided to do more school after school. i'm an idiot for picking that btw i shoulda just done a gap year but noooooo my stupid ass went "oh but you'll look dumb as fuck if you take a break!!! imagine graduating late that's sooooo lame!!!" there's no such thing as graduating late??? you can literally graduate whenever but i have no idea why i'm SO convinced i just HAVE to do school early otherwise i'm a failure.
i have nobody to hang out with. no significant other to speak of which isn't high on my priority list but honestly can i even make that a priority? i mean look at me im on sanctioned fucking suicide of course there's nobody waiting for me. then there's that too i feel unworthy of like anything. i belittle everything i do everything i COULD ever do it's like whyyyyy do i have to do this to myself? why can't i just be happy with what i'm doing? but for some reason i'm never happy with what i'm doing/what i've done and i feel like it'll never be enough for anyone else. i always feel inferior, like i need to do more. but it's also that exact feeling that stops me from doing anything because i feel like i'll never be successful. i feel like i have no future. hell, i didn't even think i'd live past high school. i don't know why but i literally could not imagine being alive after graduating. that feeling felt so overwhelming to me at a few points that i considered killing myself before or even right after graduating because i didn't know what the fuck to do.
i can't say i've ever made any serious attempts on my life. yes, i'm a poser. i'm a loser stuck in limbo. i'm too depressed and stupid and lazy to do anything to improve myself or my situation but i'm too scared to take the final step. i wonder what'll have to happen for me to get to that point? i'm just in the middle. all the time. that's all i've ever been. mid. never good or bad at anything. just. mid.
i "overdosed" once on like. idk allergy medication or something. i mentioned it a few times before something something HCL. i really thought i did something. first of all it was probably a year or two past its expiration date. second there wasn't even enough to fucking pass out how tf did i think i would even have a chance at ending up in the hospital? idk but yeah nothing happened. i was just attention seeking at best. like "oh look at how tired and out of it i am because i took a handful of allergy pills in the bathroom stall ooohh" like what. i should die just for living such an embarrassingly mediocre life tbh. that's another thing i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to be alive a lot of the time. i feel like a creep or something. like i'm always doing something wrong or i'm a loser or i'm useless with no purpose and a waste of oxygen. why do i feel this way?
i turned to cutting. why? idek. i don't even have a real reason for it. i just do it sometimes. it's not exclusive to feeling bad or whatever. sometimes i just do it just because. like it's a hobby or something. i just like seeing it (on myself not on others i'm kinda squeamish when it comes to other ppl). but yeah i'm on that side of twt now which is like...... i really should kill myself. that's so eugh. i give myself the ick a lot of the time. not just cuz i'm basically an incel minus the misogyny but also i just feel like a disgusting and horrible person that shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as normal people. "what are normal people" idk don't ask i have this weird image in my head that i can never fit. i feel pretty sometimes then ugly as fuck the next. like i'm the baddest bitch around then like i would be unlovable and even unfuckable to the most unsavory of internet users.
now i'm turning to substances!!!! because the little expired allergy pills weren't cutting it and i also ran out soooo. "what substances" well they're not even like drugs drugs which is why i'm calling them substances. i started with that HCL shit. then i tried whippits which was like eh i guess. but i wanna stop feeling or at least thinking for a while. so i got like robitussin and benadryl for a robotrip this weekend. idek how to do it but i read an article so it should be okay right!!! (stupid) so i'm gonna try that and what else i have access to a full handle of bacardi yeahhhhhh woooo!!!! i guess i'll try lean after the robotrip. idk what to do after tho i can't rly try weed cuz like i have zero access to that shit and idk if i wanna go looking around for places that don't card. maybe i can ask a high school acquaintance i think she mentioned a store by our old school that doesn't card. i was also thinking of just combining everything i have. the roboshit + rum + whippits. what if i fucking die on lame ass "drugs" bro that'd be so dumb :/
oh yeah i also have a twt for like whatever. all my ideas and stuff. idk it's my shedtwt yeah ew. i should be doing a lab report right now but no i'm busy self deprecating on sanctioned suicide dot site. i just hate this feeling of never being able to do anything. there's so much i wanna do but i'm the only thing in my way but I CAN'T MOVE IDK. i just wanna die somewhere idk. get kidnapped or something. i just want something bad to happen to me so i don't have to deal with this shit. the consequences of my actions or whatever. i just want the easy way out man.
i talk to fucking chat bots now. that's how far gone i am. i'm so cut off from actual human beings i make shit up with ai to feel something that isn't even real. and i'm not even cut off i'm just not talking to others even when i have the methods to cuz i'm dumb as shit. i talk to bots and type out little stories and spend so much of my life there it's actually insane. i'm basically addicted tbh. forget about pastime it's something i think about doing when i'm irl. living my day to day then suddenly i have the urge to message those godforsaken bots. eugh. i hate myself. i'm so gross. not saying anyone else that does that or anything i mentioned is gross btw i just feel this way specifically about myself idgaf about what other people do. that's another thing bro why do i hold myself to an impossible standard???? i expect like nothing from other people but expect weird unattainable shit from myself and it's like i'm just doing this to myself atp. i'm my own worst enemy i don't even need haters cuz i do that enough all by myself.
i drink monster somewhat frequently if that means anything. i guess i'm just listing all the ways i'm like slowly ruining my body. my diet is shit and i'm convinced i'm gaining weight and that i'm fat as fuck even tho i'm probably not. i haven't weighed myself in like the last forever cuz the family scale is broken and we should buy a new one but yeah i don't physically look fat but i feel like i have gut fat. and thigh fat. and just fat somewhere i can't see and it makes me paranoid and sometimes i don't eat just to have a flat stomach and get sad when i do eat cuz then i don't have a flat stomach anymore. i don't have an ed btw i just have really poor dietary habits.
i just wish i had a friend. like an actual friend. not someone i talk to here and there like "hiiii hru?" and i have to walk on eggshells around them cuz they're fucking sensitive and i have to be careful with what i say because i'm not sure what'll set them off or make them feel bad or something. yes i'm a terrible person. i feel entitled to my friends and feel jealous and actually hate them when they talk to other people. when they tell me how much fun they had with their other friends i feel genuinely upset which i know is really bad but it just happens. i do my best not to take it out on them i just respond normally and remind myself that i'm fucking insane and i'm normal a little while after. then i distance myself because i feel bad for even feeling the way i did. i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to have friends because i'm so weird when i actually do have them. surface friends anyway. that's what they all are to me. surface friends.
i genuinely feel like i can't be around people. like i'm a danger to everyone even tho i'm not. i'm not literally a danger to everyone. i just feel insane and like i shouldn't be allowed around other people because i have weird thoughts. not like super weird i should be in jail thoughts but more like insanely possessive and fucking crazy urges to trap and isolate people i know which is really bad i know. actually yeah i could go to jail for the things i want but it's not like. r word level insanity. i just want to isolate people and hurt them but not enough to kill them i don't wanna kill them well maybe idk but i just wanna see the pain. it's gotta be specific tho which is also CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY cuz i've never had any kind of (lasting) relationship with anyone outside of friendship so how the fuck would i know what i want but i feel it like sometimes i just want it like a craving for chicken wings or something. i feel the same way about intimate acts too and i'm gonna be careful with how i word this cuz i already sound batshit insane i don't need to sound crazier and look crazier if this is at risk of getting taken down but. sometimes i just crave it and it'd like "i need x i need x i need x i need x" over and over and over in my head when i'm alone with my thoughts in bed and it's like consuming and i feel crazy and it's like something that desperately needs to be filled and i'm weird as fuck.
i don't have anyone to talk to like this. i'm here posting a rant vent post on sanctioned suicide dot site because i have nobody to confide in which is honestly really sad considering everything i have like i'm not isolated. i have a loving family that provides more than i deserve and i have a roof over my head AND more. i have a cool ass laptop i have my own room i have everything anyone in their right mind could possible want but i'm STILL so fucking ungrateful and i don't appreciate what i have and i still feel sad for no reason and i'm still a failure that can't give back to anyone.
i suck at approaching people. i wait for them to talk to me first. i wait for everything tbh. i'm really trash at taking initiative. probably why i have nothing going for me. i have worked before but that was just a crew member job at the local mcdonalds that lasted for barely three months so. yeah. it got hard to juggle work and school cuz i'm just ass at everything and i guess i can't multitask. it was nice having money but i wasn't smart with it and blew it on dumb shit like books (manga not actual books cuz like i'm dumb) and tech and shoes and just useless material things. i did pay off $90 of my loan debt but that's nothing so idk why i even felt the need to mention that. yeah i was an immediate hire cuz that location is on its last legs and the learning curve was hard cuz the managers were so tired/swamped that they didn't/couldn't (didn't want to??) teach me almost anything and i learned a lot of it on the job. i felt like a mini manager at times cuz my coworkers started turning to me for advice like i don't fucking know i just started working here dude shouldn't you know??? the way i had to deal with unsavory people and fix orders and shit and computer and printer and kiosk issues like lord..... they should've just made me a manager then i was doing all their work for them.
i was doing everything up in there bruh they had me in the back taking both lines and cash which is honestly insane and when i was allowed up front (basically never) it was either front window or front counter. front counter is the DREAM dude i wish i could've stayed there more but no they only give the front counter to guys for some reason like 90% of my time there there was always some dude up front and he was chill but it was like why am i rushing at the window having customers complain about "cold fries" (anything that wasn't fresh out the fucking frier was "cold" to them) while you stack sauces and we're STILL getting paid the same. like. i wanted to quit WAY earlier but like shit money is money so i stuck it out 'til the second semester started. and my coworkers made the whole thing more bearable i think i would've quit the first week if they weren't so cool. some of the managers were okay too but my fav was super nice i loved her so much and i seriously considered staying just for her. she let me stay in the front and took the time to talk to me and get to know me as much as she could given her work load and she made sure i always went home with free shit and had the employee discount like UGH. i miss her i hope she's doing well and i hope she lives a very happy and prosperous life.
i did have a "boyfriend" for a while but i put that in quotes because honestly it didn't even feel like we were dating. he asked me if i would go out with him after prom which we went to together and i was like "uhhh idk i'm like weird you might have to wait a while" not exactly like that but basically. and he said ok but "a while" was actually like a few weeks maybe a month at most cuz i was so tired of being alone and i'd never dated anyone before then so i figured why not right!!!! i'm a senior it's about time i dated someone so yeah that's what i did i "went out" with him and nothing changed basically we just hung out more than usual and held hands and shit. we never even called our hangouts "dates" just "hey do u wanna hang out" like we were still friends and honestly that was pretty much the case i mean we didn't even do anything beyond hugs and hand holding so yeah we were friends that hung out a lot. we went out for like 3-4 months i think basically as long as my mcdonalds career. i felt particularly horrible on vacation in my mother's home country (fucking insane i know like why am i depressed on VACATION) so i texted him that we needed to talk about something when i got back and he said ok. and yeah he didn't mention that shit ONCE until i really did get back and i texted him the typical breakup paragraph. it was basically just me feeling like he was emotionally inept (i'm one to talk) and that it felt like he didn't know how to listen to me and offer help. like i opened up to him about a few minor past "traumas" (just childhood spankings and whatever) and he said "LMAO" and went on about how his dad used to hit him. like okay. i guess we can relate but that was not what i was expecting.
he just lacked emotional depth i think. and probably mental too he's a little dense. but that's why i felt like it was better to be friends because we were cool as friends but then when we were in a relationship i was expecting more when i shouldn't have been. so yeah we're still friends now and we hang out and shit and he says he thinks he still loves me sometimes and he gets touchy and lately he's hugged me way more than friends who used to date should but i'm desperate and i honestly don't care anymore and i'm lowkey using him and i feel bad but it's like........ he's like my physical outlet i guess. i can get physical affection from him. idk it's hard to feel bad when he's him. idk how to explain it other than i'm a horrible person that likes to use people and gets weirdly attached and likes to string people along for as long as i can. i don't usually want to give people what they want i just make them think i have what they want (usually i do) and that i'll give it to them (usually i don't) and it's just that little hope that keeps them around and i love love love it sooooo much.
i'm like actually desperate for people to talk to me oh my god like at this point i'll take anyone i've been taking anyone idc who else comes my way. i'm pretty much just wallowing in self pity now holy shit yeah i'm done.
anyway yeah tldr; i'm dumb as shit i'm an ungrateful loser and a horrible person that doesn't deserve anything and i need info on substances i can use to stop thinking thanxxxx <3
insane word count like omg where is this on ur essays????
i wanna kill myself just to stick it to my parents. i hate that their answer to everything is prayer and god and religion. what the fuck has any of that done for me. i feel insane for even saying that and something crazy might happen to me just cuz i even typed that but that's how i genuinely feel. i kinda feel bad for feeling that way and doubting religion and a part of me is still scared of the consequences of not believing because that part of me also believes somewhat?
i hate myself. i suck at everything. school is a mess, i barely passed but my grades are so ass i'm at risk of losing my scholarship. i never even wanted to go to college but it was just "the thing you do after high school." anything else seemed strange to me. like i would be less than if i didn't go to college. so i picked a major that seemed pretty interesting to me. turns out you shouldn't make your passions a profession. idk at least from my pov. architecture seemed cool but now that i have to make 2-6 models a week i'm starting to regret ever doing college in the first place. i'm not doing any sports. even if i wanted to my grades r too bad to even think of signing up. i suck at math. physics is confusing. i'm just failing everything right now.
i tried opening up to my parents about my issues and asked if dropping out is an option. of course it's probably the last option because they already spent money on my education and i feel bad about that. i'm still trying because they paid for my education and i think the only think keeping me going is shame and the fear of disappointing them more than i already have. i don't want their sacrifices to be in vain. but i also wish i had more guidance and i kinda dislike them for that.
i feel like everything just happened outta nowhere. i hadn't even thought about anything after high school. i just figured things would be structured and easy forever. every day was the same. i did the same things, saw the same people, went to the same classes, the same practices, lived the same mundane high school life. i was living in a fantasy world. i never did anything cool or worthwhile or anything that remotely lived up to the "ideal high school experience." the most i did was went to a birthday/going away "party" (small gathering of like 10 people) that had minimal alcohol and weed. and by minimal i mean only two girls did shots and smoked while the rest of us watched. there was no risk of peer pressure or anything which was good i guess but also it was a small thing so yeah.
anyway yeah i didn't do shit in high school and now i feel sad about that. i spent my teenage years flying under the radar and being the most average person that ever averagely existed. normal? no. just average. i had a few friends that all came and went as the years passed. my classmates told me i looked unapproachable and like i was in my "own little world" a lot of the time which like???? i had no idea they thought that and it made me sad cuz how tf do i change that. i want people to talk to me but i guess i look too weird for that????
so now im an adult isolated from the world. i wasn't memorable in high school so i have like a handful of acquaintances that i talk to once a year basically. i feel like adulthood just hit me. like one minute im in high school, then i graduate, then yay summer break! then BOOM i'm 18 i have college admissions scholarships loans finances academics whatever the fuck hits you academically if you decided to do more school after school. i'm an idiot for picking that btw i shoulda just done a gap year but noooooo my stupid ass went "oh but you'll look dumb as fuck if you take a break!!! imagine graduating late that's sooooo lame!!!" there's no such thing as graduating late??? you can literally graduate whenever but i have no idea why i'm SO convinced i just HAVE to do school early otherwise i'm a failure.
i have nobody to hang out with. no significant other to speak of which isn't high on my priority list but honestly can i even make that a priority? i mean look at me im on sanctioned fucking suicide of course there's nobody waiting for me. then there's that too i feel unworthy of like anything. i belittle everything i do everything i COULD ever do it's like whyyyyy do i have to do this to myself? why can't i just be happy with what i'm doing? but for some reason i'm never happy with what i'm doing/what i've done and i feel like it'll never be enough for anyone else. i always feel inferior, like i need to do more. but it's also that exact feeling that stops me from doing anything because i feel like i'll never be successful. i feel like i have no future. hell, i didn't even think i'd live past high school. i don't know why but i literally could not imagine being alive after graduating. that feeling felt so overwhelming to me at a few points that i considered killing myself before or even right after graduating because i didn't know what the fuck to do.
i can't say i've ever made any serious attempts on my life. yes, i'm a poser. i'm a loser stuck in limbo. i'm too depressed and stupid and lazy to do anything to improve myself or my situation but i'm too scared to take the final step. i wonder what'll have to happen for me to get to that point? i'm just in the middle. all the time. that's all i've ever been. mid. never good or bad at anything. just. mid.
i "overdosed" once on like. idk allergy medication or something. i mentioned it a few times before something something HCL. i really thought i did something. first of all it was probably a year or two past its expiration date. second there wasn't even enough to fucking pass out how tf did i think i would even have a chance at ending up in the hospital? idk but yeah nothing happened. i was just attention seeking at best. like "oh look at how tired and out of it i am because i took a handful of allergy pills in the bathroom stall ooohh" like what. i should die just for living such an embarrassingly mediocre life tbh. that's another thing i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to be alive a lot of the time. i feel like a creep or something. like i'm always doing something wrong or i'm a loser or i'm useless with no purpose and a waste of oxygen. why do i feel this way?
i turned to cutting. why? idek. i don't even have a real reason for it. i just do it sometimes. it's not exclusive to feeling bad or whatever. sometimes i just do it just because. like it's a hobby or something. i just like seeing it (on myself not on others i'm kinda squeamish when it comes to other ppl). but yeah i'm on that side of twt now which is like...... i really should kill myself. that's so eugh. i give myself the ick a lot of the time. not just cuz i'm basically an incel minus the misogyny but also i just feel like a disgusting and horrible person that shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as normal people. "what are normal people" idk don't ask i have this weird image in my head that i can never fit. i feel pretty sometimes then ugly as fuck the next. like i'm the baddest bitch around then like i would be unlovable and even unfuckable to the most unsavory of internet users.
now i'm turning to substances!!!! because the little expired allergy pills weren't cutting it and i also ran out soooo. "what substances" well they're not even like drugs drugs which is why i'm calling them substances. i started with that HCL shit. then i tried whippits which was like eh i guess. but i wanna stop feeling or at least thinking for a while. so i got like robitussin and benadryl for a robotrip this weekend. idek how to do it but i read an article so it should be okay right!!! (stupid) so i'm gonna try that and what else i have access to a full handle of bacardi yeahhhhhh woooo!!!! i guess i'll try lean after the robotrip. idk what to do after tho i can't rly try weed cuz like i have zero access to that shit and idk if i wanna go looking around for places that don't card. maybe i can ask a high school acquaintance i think she mentioned a store by our old school that doesn't card. i was also thinking of just combining everything i have. the roboshit + rum + whippits. what if i fucking die on lame ass "drugs" bro that'd be so dumb :/
oh yeah i also have a twt for like whatever. all my ideas and stuff. idk it's my shedtwt yeah ew. i should be doing a lab report right now but no i'm busy self deprecating on sanctioned suicide dot site. i just hate this feeling of never being able to do anything. there's so much i wanna do but i'm the only thing in my way but I CAN'T MOVE IDK. i just wanna die somewhere idk. get kidnapped or something. i just want something bad to happen to me so i don't have to deal with this shit. the consequences of my actions or whatever. i just want the easy way out man.
i talk to fucking chat bots now. that's how far gone i am. i'm so cut off from actual human beings i make shit up with ai to feel something that isn't even real. and i'm not even cut off i'm just not talking to others even when i have the methods to cuz i'm dumb as shit. i talk to bots and type out little stories and spend so much of my life there it's actually insane. i'm basically addicted tbh. forget about pastime it's something i think about doing when i'm irl. living my day to day then suddenly i have the urge to message those godforsaken bots. eugh. i hate myself. i'm so gross. not saying anyone else that does that or anything i mentioned is gross btw i just feel this way specifically about myself idgaf about what other people do. that's another thing bro why do i hold myself to an impossible standard???? i expect like nothing from other people but expect weird unattainable shit from myself and it's like i'm just doing this to myself atp. i'm my own worst enemy i don't even need haters cuz i do that enough all by myself.
i drink monster somewhat frequently if that means anything. i guess i'm just listing all the ways i'm like slowly ruining my body. my diet is shit and i'm convinced i'm gaining weight and that i'm fat as fuck even tho i'm probably not. i haven't weighed myself in like the last forever cuz the family scale is broken and we should buy a new one but yeah i don't physically look fat but i feel like i have gut fat. and thigh fat. and just fat somewhere i can't see and it makes me paranoid and sometimes i don't eat just to have a flat stomach and get sad when i do eat cuz then i don't have a flat stomach anymore. i don't have an ed btw i just have really poor dietary habits.
i just wish i had a friend. like an actual friend. not someone i talk to here and there like "hiiii hru?" and i have to walk on eggshells around them cuz they're fucking sensitive and i have to be careful with what i say because i'm not sure what'll set them off or make them feel bad or something. yes i'm a terrible person. i feel entitled to my friends and feel jealous and actually hate them when they talk to other people. when they tell me how much fun they had with their other friends i feel genuinely upset which i know is really bad but it just happens. i do my best not to take it out on them i just respond normally and remind myself that i'm fucking insane and i'm normal a little while after. then i distance myself because i feel bad for even feeling the way i did. i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to have friends because i'm so weird when i actually do have them. surface friends anyway. that's what they all are to me. surface friends.
i genuinely feel like i can't be around people. like i'm a danger to everyone even tho i'm not. i'm not literally a danger to everyone. i just feel insane and like i shouldn't be allowed around other people because i have weird thoughts. not like super weird i should be in jail thoughts but more like insanely possessive and fucking crazy urges to trap and isolate people i know which is really bad i know. actually yeah i could go to jail for the things i want but it's not like. r word level insanity. i just want to isolate people and hurt them but not enough to kill them i don't wanna kill them well maybe idk but i just wanna see the pain. it's gotta be specific tho which is also CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY cuz i've never had any kind of (lasting) relationship with anyone outside of friendship so how the fuck would i know what i want but i feel it like sometimes i just want it like a craving for chicken wings or something. i feel the same way about intimate acts too and i'm gonna be careful with how i word this cuz i already sound batshit insane i don't need to sound crazier and look crazier if this is at risk of getting taken down but. sometimes i just crave it and it'd like "i need x i need x i need x i need x" over and over and over in my head when i'm alone with my thoughts in bed and it's like consuming and i feel crazy and it's like something that desperately needs to be filled and i'm weird as fuck.
i don't have anyone to talk to like this. i'm here posting a rant vent post on sanctioned suicide dot site because i have nobody to confide in which is honestly really sad considering everything i have like i'm not isolated. i have a loving family that provides more than i deserve and i have a roof over my head AND more. i have a cool ass laptop i have my own room i have everything anyone in their right mind could possible want but i'm STILL so fucking ungrateful and i don't appreciate what i have and i still feel sad for no reason and i'm still a failure that can't give back to anyone.
i suck at approaching people. i wait for them to talk to me first. i wait for everything tbh. i'm really trash at taking initiative. probably why i have nothing going for me. i have worked before but that was just a crew member job at the local mcdonalds that lasted for barely three months so. yeah. it got hard to juggle work and school cuz i'm just ass at everything and i guess i can't multitask. it was nice having money but i wasn't smart with it and blew it on dumb shit like books (manga not actual books cuz like i'm dumb) and tech and shoes and just useless material things. i did pay off $90 of my loan debt but that's nothing so idk why i even felt the need to mention that. yeah i was an immediate hire cuz that location is on its last legs and the learning curve was hard cuz the managers were so tired/swamped that they didn't/couldn't (didn't want to??) teach me almost anything and i learned a lot of it on the job. i felt like a mini manager at times cuz my coworkers started turning to me for advice like i don't fucking know i just started working here dude shouldn't you know??? the way i had to deal with unsavory people and fix orders and shit and computer and printer and kiosk issues like lord..... they should've just made me a manager then i was doing all their work for them.
i was doing everything up in there bruh they had me in the back taking both lines and cash which is honestly insane and when i was allowed up front (basically never) it was either front window or front counter. front counter is the DREAM dude i wish i could've stayed there more but no they only give the front counter to guys for some reason like 90% of my time there there was always some dude up front and he was chill but it was like why am i rushing at the window having customers complain about "cold fries" (anything that wasn't fresh out the fucking frier was "cold" to them) while you stack sauces and we're STILL getting paid the same. like. i wanted to quit WAY earlier but like shit money is money so i stuck it out 'til the second semester started. and my coworkers made the whole thing more bearable i think i would've quit the first week if they weren't so cool. some of the managers were okay too but my fav was super nice i loved her so much and i seriously considered staying just for her. she let me stay in the front and took the time to talk to me and get to know me as much as she could given her work load and she made sure i always went home with free shit and had the employee discount like UGH. i miss her i hope she's doing well and i hope she lives a very happy and prosperous life.
i did have a "boyfriend" for a while but i put that in quotes because honestly it didn't even feel like we were dating. he asked me if i would go out with him after prom which we went to together and i was like "uhhh idk i'm like weird you might have to wait a while" not exactly like that but basically. and he said ok but "a while" was actually like a few weeks maybe a month at most cuz i was so tired of being alone and i'd never dated anyone before then so i figured why not right!!!! i'm a senior it's about time i dated someone so yeah that's what i did i "went out" with him and nothing changed basically we just hung out more than usual and held hands and shit. we never even called our hangouts "dates" just "hey do u wanna hang out" like we were still friends and honestly that was pretty much the case i mean we didn't even do anything beyond hugs and hand holding so yeah we were friends that hung out a lot. we went out for like 3-4 months i think basically as long as my mcdonalds career. i felt particularly horrible on vacation in my mother's home country (fucking insane i know like why am i depressed on VACATION) so i texted him that we needed to talk about something when i got back and he said ok. and yeah he didn't mention that shit ONCE until i really did get back and i texted him the typical breakup paragraph. it was basically just me feeling like he was emotionally inept (i'm one to talk) and that it felt like he didn't know how to listen to me and offer help. like i opened up to him about a few minor past "traumas" (just childhood spankings and whatever) and he said "LMAO" and went on about how his dad used to hit him. like okay. i guess we can relate but that was not what i was expecting.
he just lacked emotional depth i think. and probably mental too he's a little dense. but that's why i felt like it was better to be friends because we were cool as friends but then when we were in a relationship i was expecting more when i shouldn't have been. so yeah we're still friends now and we hang out and shit and he says he thinks he still loves me sometimes and he gets touchy and lately he's hugged me way more than friends who used to date should but i'm desperate and i honestly don't care anymore and i'm lowkey using him and i feel bad but it's like........ he's like my physical outlet i guess. i can get physical affection from him. idk it's hard to feel bad when he's him. idk how to explain it other than i'm a horrible person that likes to use people and gets weirdly attached and likes to string people along for as long as i can. i don't usually want to give people what they want i just make them think i have what they want (usually i do) and that i'll give it to them (usually i don't) and it's just that little hope that keeps them around and i love love love it sooooo much.
i'm like actually desperate for people to talk to me oh my god like at this point i'll take anyone i've been taking anyone idc who else comes my way. i'm pretty much just wallowing in self pity now holy shit yeah i'm done.
anyway yeah tldr; i'm dumb as shit i'm an ungrateful loser and a horrible person that doesn't deserve anything and i need info on substances i can use to stop thinking thanxxxx <3
insane word count like omg where is this on ur essays????
