Venting To go back in time...

[VVL]

Today I dreamed abt my first love, the only guy I ever liked. ts been a while since I had these dreams, I'd always dream abt me being in school following him and trying to talk to him but never being able to do so. It wasn't the case this time, we were a happy couple.
I miss him so much. It's embarrassing to admit that after all these years I haven't been able to get over him. But how could I? If every relationship I was in after him was total bullshit, I didn't like any of the few guys I dated, I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't like, I had sex with strangers. I thought I had changed, that those were stupid mistakes I'd make as a stupid teenager. I'd think that after years of torturing myself remembering all the things I did that this ttime I'd be more careful with my own actions. But no, this year I ended up in this "relationship" with this guy only bc I needed money, I'd sleep with him even tho he was so gross so gross so gross si gross so gross so gr

Oh... well... I did this to myself. Im always doing this to myself. I have no right to complain.

I've been thinking abt this for a while now. Thinking that I have the slightest chance to go back in time after I ctb. Go back in time to see him one more time. Go back in time to fix all my past mistakes...
I fantasize abt this.
Though to be completely honest, eternal darkness after death sounds more appealing.


I might attempt tonight as well. Everytime I wake up I have panic attacks, asking myself why am I still alive, what the point of continuing to live a worthless life is. Remembering everything I did. Everytime I open my eyes I just want to kill myself.
.
.
.
Please god. Make it work this time.

 

[spectraltease]

Sounds so sad. I hope you will get what you are searching for.
Send you a pm

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Today I dreamed abt my first love, the only guy I ever liked. ts been a while since I had these dreams, I'd always dream abt me being in school following him and trying to talk to him but never being able to do so. It wasn't the case this time, we were a happy couple.
I miss him so much. It's embarrassing to admit that after all these years I haven't been able to get over him. But how could I? If every relationship I was in after him was total bullshit, I didn't like any of the few guys I dated, I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't like, I had sex with strangers. I thought I had changed, that those were stupid mistakes I'd make as a stupid teenager. I'd think that after years of torturing myself remembering all the things I did that this ttime I'd be more careful with my own actions. But no, this year I ended up in this "relationship" with this guy only bc I needed money, I'd sleep with him even tho he was so gross so gross so gross si gross so gross so gr

Oh... well... I did this to myself. Im always doing this to myself. I have no right to complain.

I've been thinking abt this for a while now. Thinking that I have the slightest chance to go back in time after I ctb. Go back in time to see him one more time. Go back in time to fix all my past mistakes...
I fantasize abt this.
Though to be completely honest, eternal darkness after death sounds more appealing.


I might attempt tonight as well. Everytime I wake up I have panic attacks, asking myself why am I still alive, what the point of continuing to live a worthless life is. Remembering everything I did. Everytime I open my eyes I just want to kill myself.
.
.
.
Please god. Make it work this time.

I know exactly how those dreams feel. I used to have them all the time about an ex who cheated on me. I have many old posts detailing what happened, I used this site as a personal journal for the longest. Some of the OG members here might have even read them. Anyways, those dreams are like a plague. I hope they stop soon, you don't deserve it.

Sounds like you are really struggling over past mistakes. Whatever you of, whether you do anything or not, I wish you the most peace in whatever you decide. You've had a rough time. Feel free to start a private conversation with me if you need an ear to bend, I don't really get notifications for PMs for some reason.

 

[Coal54321]

I made a thread similar to this before seeing yours, which is also about mistakes I made during my relationship. I am so glad someone can relate to how I'm feeling but I'm also so sorry you're feeling like this. I have thought for many years that going back in time would be the one super power I would ever have if I were able to choose one. However, sometimes things ended up sorting themselves out eventually. So I don't really know. You never know what could happen down the line, but I would still love to be able to turn back the time as I recently very stupidly fucked up my relationship, which was the only reason I wanted to stay alive.

 

[VVL]

I made a thread similar to this before seeing yours, which is also about mistakes I made during my relationship. I am so glad someone can relate to how I'm feeling but I'm also so sorry you're feeling like this. I have thought for many years that going back in time would be the one super power I would ever have if I were able to choose one. However, sometimes things ended up sorting themselves out eventually. So I don't really know. You never know what could happen down the line, but I would still love to be able to turn back the time as I recently very stupidly fucked up my relationship, which was the only reason I wanted to stay alive.

I've read ur thread and I think that things could still work out for u. In my case, I'd have to go back at least 6 years into the past to have a chance to fix anything between me and him. He probably doesn't even remember me at this point... Which sucks. Makes my obsession even more pathetic. Sometimes I'd even prefer if he hated me or thought bad of me instead of being completely dead to him.
That's not ur case tho, u still have something to hope for. I wish u the best.

I know exactly how those dreams feel. I used to have them all the time about an ex who cheated on me. I have many old posts detailing what happened, I used this site as a personal journal for the longest. Some of the OG members here might have even read them.

I've always wanted to do this but since English is not my first language I always find myself struggling when writing. I could write in my native language ofc, but I hate myself so much that I can't even think in spanish anymore. I read somewhere that its called emotional detachment, for me its a way to dissociate so I can go through the day as this disgusting being that is myself. Hopefully it all ends soon.
Thank u anyways, even tho I know u ain't gonna read this.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I've always wanted to do this but since English is not my first language I always find myself struggling when writing. I could write in my native language ofc, but I hate myself so much that I can't even think in spanish anymore. I read somewhere that its called emotional detachment, for me its a way to dissociate so I can go through the day as this disgusting being that is myself. Hopefully it all ends soon.
Thank u anyways, even tho I know u ain't gonna read this.

I cannot relate to the language barrier, as I natively speak English and I don't speak other languages. I do hope it gets easier. If you do find yourself able to write in Spanish, you can always take what you write, put it into a translator and post it here. Anyways, I wish you the best