brokenwaves
i need to cross a border that’s hard to define
- Feb 19, 2021
- 118
you'd think after a lifetime of crying, i wouldn't have a single tear left to spill. but i do, like an ever-flowing stream. saying goodbye is always the hardest, and i don't know how i got out of my house without bursting out in tears, i almost had to run out the door when saying goodbye because i couldn't bare it seeing my family telling me to have fun and they'll see me later (they think i'm going to meet a friend for the day). i feel fucking horrible because i don't want to cause them all this pain, but i'm in so much pain, i know i can't stay on this earth any longer, i've tried for years - therapy, medication, exercise, diet, fucking chakra healing.
i had my entire life story typed out here, but i've decided to delete it. fuck it all, i've carried it with me long enough, i'm not bringing it another step. but essentially, it's been traumatic. i've been physically, mentally, sexually abused all my life. it's been a lot of pain, too much for me to carry.
i've dealt with mental illness from childhood, and not a day without since then. i'm 23 now, the past few years have been a blur as i'm in an almost constant state of severe dissociation which seriously affects my memory. i have absolutely no concept of time, these years have passed in what feels like 5 minutes. meds barely do shit for me, without them i'm erratic, but with them i'm like a zombie and can barely hold a thought for more than 4 seconds, totally numbed out.
as time passes, i'm losing the parts of me that make me who i am. i'm losing my personality, my interests and hobbies. i can feel myself becoming bitter as i continue on carrying this trauma and illness with me. i have a deep love for nature, this universe, it's so beautiful and fascinating to me. i feel a real connection to it all, but this society drags me away from it all. there's no way i'm capable of having a full time job, having my little energy drained from me for some corporation, fuck that. i can barely hold a conversation anymore, and i'm tired of being fucking tired all the time. this life keeps trying to make me be a fighter, well i'm not a fighter, and i've been fighting too fucking long. i want peace, i want rest, i want out.
i'm jumping from a cliff today, please no comments on my method, it's the only one available to me and yes it's more than high enough, and yes i've researched it all. this is not impulsive, it's been a long time coming and tbh my only ctb attempt i've actually ever planned in advance. i know what impulsive feels like.
in saying all this, i still feel guilty, i feel like shit to be quite honest. i'm trying not to cry so much as i'm taking public transport all day and don't want the attention, but believe me i could cry nonstop all the way to that cliffs edge. i don't want to die, i would like to live. but what i have is not living, this is not a life i can keep going through. i am broken, i feel like my spirit is shattered into the tiniest pieces imaginable, i don't think i can possibly take any more pain. even if things got miraculously better, which is pretty impossible unless my mental illnesses vanish and capitalist society is eradicated, i don't think there's any part of me left even capable of experiencing that joy.
everything feels quite paradoxical, my family make me feel like shit a lot of the time, but i can't help but love them in this moment. especially my sister's kids who don't deserve any of this and have the biggest hearts of any human i've ever known. i want to get off this bus and go home and sleep, but i feel hopeless for everything that would come after. am i making a mistake? perhaps, but in a life that i feel has given me little choices, i think i'm entitled to make a wrong choice after it all. it's weird to feel at peace with the choice i'm making, but at the same time the deepest sadness i've ever felt. if i die, i lose all i love. if i stay, i lose all i love. it isn't even a fair choice.
i want to thank everybody on here that has ever reacted or commented on any of my posts. this website has been my only support through this whole journey, the only place i can be honest. it has been a privilege to read your stories, and keep time with you all. i wish you all strength and peace on your journeys ahead, wherever they lead you. thank you, thank you.
i don't know if there's anything after this life, but i hope it's nothing like life and i hope it's tremendously beautiful.
i had my entire life story typed out here, but i've decided to delete it. fuck it all, i've carried it with me long enough, i'm not bringing it another step. but essentially, it's been traumatic. i've been physically, mentally, sexually abused all my life. it's been a lot of pain, too much for me to carry.
i've dealt with mental illness from childhood, and not a day without since then. i'm 23 now, the past few years have been a blur as i'm in an almost constant state of severe dissociation which seriously affects my memory. i have absolutely no concept of time, these years have passed in what feels like 5 minutes. meds barely do shit for me, without them i'm erratic, but with them i'm like a zombie and can barely hold a thought for more than 4 seconds, totally numbed out.
as time passes, i'm losing the parts of me that make me who i am. i'm losing my personality, my interests and hobbies. i can feel myself becoming bitter as i continue on carrying this trauma and illness with me. i have a deep love for nature, this universe, it's so beautiful and fascinating to me. i feel a real connection to it all, but this society drags me away from it all. there's no way i'm capable of having a full time job, having my little energy drained from me for some corporation, fuck that. i can barely hold a conversation anymore, and i'm tired of being fucking tired all the time. this life keeps trying to make me be a fighter, well i'm not a fighter, and i've been fighting too fucking long. i want peace, i want rest, i want out.
i'm jumping from a cliff today, please no comments on my method, it's the only one available to me and yes it's more than high enough, and yes i've researched it all. this is not impulsive, it's been a long time coming and tbh my only ctb attempt i've actually ever planned in advance. i know what impulsive feels like.
in saying all this, i still feel guilty, i feel like shit to be quite honest. i'm trying not to cry so much as i'm taking public transport all day and don't want the attention, but believe me i could cry nonstop all the way to that cliffs edge. i don't want to die, i would like to live. but what i have is not living, this is not a life i can keep going through. i am broken, i feel like my spirit is shattered into the tiniest pieces imaginable, i don't think i can possibly take any more pain. even if things got miraculously better, which is pretty impossible unless my mental illnesses vanish and capitalist society is eradicated, i don't think there's any part of me left even capable of experiencing that joy.
everything feels quite paradoxical, my family make me feel like shit a lot of the time, but i can't help but love them in this moment. especially my sister's kids who don't deserve any of this and have the biggest hearts of any human i've ever known. i want to get off this bus and go home and sleep, but i feel hopeless for everything that would come after. am i making a mistake? perhaps, but in a life that i feel has given me little choices, i think i'm entitled to make a wrong choice after it all. it's weird to feel at peace with the choice i'm making, but at the same time the deepest sadness i've ever felt. if i die, i lose all i love. if i stay, i lose all i love. it isn't even a fair choice.
i want to thank everybody on here that has ever reacted or commented on any of my posts. this website has been my only support through this whole journey, the only place i can be honest. it has been a privilege to read your stories, and keep time with you all. i wish you all strength and peace on your journeys ahead, wherever they lead you. thank you, thank you.
i don't know if there's anything after this life, but i hope it's nothing like life and i hope it's tremendously beautiful.
