justwant2sleep
Member
- Jul 23, 2023
- 27
I finally got my rope. I used every last drop of energy left in this lifeless body to get it. It might sound dramatic, but you have to keep in mind I hadn't left my bed let alone the house in who knows how long. Long story… but all that matters is I have the rope and no one found out about it. I am both terrified and the most calm I've ever been in my life. I keep reminding myself, that the fear I feel is just my "animal body" doing its thing, trying to keep me alive. The way it is programmed to. I feel so much guilt for leaving my family right before Christmas. It's also my best friend's birthday quite soon. I originally planned to wait until January, I just fucking can't. I feel so sad for whoever finds my body in the woods. Aside from these two things, I mostly feel at peace. I tried to make it work. Living. I really gave it my best shot. Over and over again. I have been on almost 10 different medications for mental illness, had more psych ward hospital admissions than I can remember or even count. Been to see so many different therapists, I'd say I've seen at least 15 different professionals over the years. My family knows I have been suffering for a long time. They also know I have given "getting help" an honest and true try. Unfortunately, some people just aren't built for this human life. I am one of them. I wrote a note to leave them. I tried my best to explain that I'm sorry it came to this, and that no one is to blame etc. I'm not sure why I'm writing all this here. I guess I wanted to make one final post. A goodbye of sorts. Thank you to this community for being the only place I could be my true miserable self. It was also amazing to see that even people who are suffering so much can still have kindness in their hearts. Good luck to all of you with whatever it is you choose. Peace.
