monstercatering
Member
- Apr 4, 2023
- 16
Been putting this off my whole life 
Just writing here for some support and to help get my thoughts out. I just gained access to this account today, apparently I was posting here depressed a year and a half ago, but my memory is so bad I don't even remember it. There have been so many periods in my life where I wanted to CTB but never gained the courage. Everyone says it gets better, but looking back at every time I wanted to, I think it would've been fine if I CTB then.
SI is my only hurdle now, I'm not sure if my depression is hurting or harming. I feel so depressed I really don't even care if I live or die right now, I could just sit in my room forever, but I know it'll be easier if I die, but I know the more I care about dying the harder it is to overcome SI. I think I got a good balance now, as long as I'm fast and don't stop and think tomorrow I'm confident I'll be able to do it. I'm going off a parking garage and I stopped there today, I think I could've done it but it was peak hours and I couldn't handle it being that public. I'm going to stay up all night to continue to gather myself and my courage, then at 6AM I'll go when it's a ghost town and succeed.
The longer I hang on to this life the more problems will come from my depression and self-destructive tendencies. It's kind of funny the tightrope I'm walking on now, once this depressive episode hit I tried to keep a handle on my life but as more and more things slipped through and I thought of death more frequently I decided to let go, I'll enjoy myself for however long I can and then take myself out once it all comes back to bite me. At this point I'm incredibly lucky my responsibilities haven't come back to bite me in the ass. It's allowed me to comfortably procrastinate CTB-ing, but enough is enough and I haven't been wasting my time too much, I got a method and a plan so I'll finally do what's needed.
For some context I'm a sophomore in college, so last year I was in the dorms. It's my first time having my own place with my own room. I've packed everything up in here, now I'm just sitting on the floor. I did it to give myself less of a connection to this place, even if I pussy out I'll have nowhere to return. It only took a couple of hours to pack up everything my life amounts to.
At this point I think I've done all the research I needed. I just can't overthink things and freak out once I get there. I'll have to find some way to pass the time without falling asleep. I've already planned to watch episode 8 of Paranoia Agent again. Then I'll probably listen to my favorite music. I need to balance between taking my mind off of it and losing preparedness, and reading too much and getting overinvested. I know what needs to be done, I just need to cary things out successfully until then.
While it may be some delusion, I've convinced myself my method is going to be peaceful, if you think about it, once you jump you're already dead. I don't want to be too graphic but there is only an instant of pain, and you're strapped in. I know that death is preferable to life, so the question is if the method of dying is less suffering than continuing to live.
While I'm not at the rock bottom for my depression, doing theh calculus I know I'm just going to go through the cycle again if I lived long term, and I already have many consequences coming for me short-term. There's just one hurdle separating me from every lasting peace.
I've been rambling thanks for anyone that read this.
Just writing here for some support and to help get my thoughts out. I just gained access to this account today, apparently I was posting here depressed a year and a half ago, but my memory is so bad I don't even remember it. There have been so many periods in my life where I wanted to CTB but never gained the courage. Everyone says it gets better, but looking back at every time I wanted to, I think it would've been fine if I CTB then.
SI is my only hurdle now, I'm not sure if my depression is hurting or harming. I feel so depressed I really don't even care if I live or die right now, I could just sit in my room forever, but I know it'll be easier if I die, but I know the more I care about dying the harder it is to overcome SI. I think I got a good balance now, as long as I'm fast and don't stop and think tomorrow I'm confident I'll be able to do it. I'm going off a parking garage and I stopped there today, I think I could've done it but it was peak hours and I couldn't handle it being that public. I'm going to stay up all night to continue to gather myself and my courage, then at 6AM I'll go when it's a ghost town and succeed.
The longer I hang on to this life the more problems will come from my depression and self-destructive tendencies. It's kind of funny the tightrope I'm walking on now, once this depressive episode hit I tried to keep a handle on my life but as more and more things slipped through and I thought of death more frequently I decided to let go, I'll enjoy myself for however long I can and then take myself out once it all comes back to bite me. At this point I'm incredibly lucky my responsibilities haven't come back to bite me in the ass. It's allowed me to comfortably procrastinate CTB-ing, but enough is enough and I haven't been wasting my time too much, I got a method and a plan so I'll finally do what's needed.
For some context I'm a sophomore in college, so last year I was in the dorms. It's my first time having my own place with my own room. I've packed everything up in here, now I'm just sitting on the floor. I did it to give myself less of a connection to this place, even if I pussy out I'll have nowhere to return. It only took a couple of hours to pack up everything my life amounts to.
At this point I think I've done all the research I needed. I just can't overthink things and freak out once I get there. I'll have to find some way to pass the time without falling asleep. I've already planned to watch episode 8 of Paranoia Agent again. Then I'll probably listen to my favorite music. I need to balance between taking my mind off of it and losing preparedness, and reading too much and getting overinvested. I know what needs to be done, I just need to cary things out successfully until then.
While it may be some delusion, I've convinced myself my method is going to be peaceful, if you think about it, once you jump you're already dead. I don't want to be too graphic but there is only an instant of pain, and you're strapped in. I know that death is preferable to life, so the question is if the method of dying is less suffering than continuing to live.
While I'm not at the rock bottom for my depression, doing theh calculus I know I'm just going to go through the cycle again if I lived long term, and I already have many consequences coming for me short-term. There's just one hurdle separating me from every lasting peace.
I've been rambling thanks for anyone that read this.
