Too old

[Felodese]

Is there anyone else here in their late 30ies who feels like it's too late to try to fix their lives?

For context, I have eatly onset treatment resistant persistent depressive disorder. In my case that means I've been depressed since childhood and I've been on different antidepressants since I was 18 and they haven't help. I've been trying for 20 years to get psychiatric help, but have been denied partly because I've been deemed too high functioning/not sick enough, and partly because health care and psychiatric care in particular is massively underfunded in my country.
However, one and a half year ago I lost the last thing that was keeping me alive ended up in a psych ward (very much against my will). Now I am deemed to be sick enough to get help, and I'm on an extended sick leave. However it feels like it's too late now. First of, I no longer have any real reason to live. And then there's a milion other things; like I don't know if it is at possible to "recover" from something that has been with me since childhood. And then there's the fact that I literally have no idea who I would be with depression.
Realistically I've reached the halfway point of my life. What left is middle age and then the slow decline of old age. I've had almost 40 years of missing out on everything, completely fucking my life up, and have not achived a single thing.
I feel like I would now have to start over basically at the level I was when I first got depressed - so that of a young child - to completely rebuild my entire personality, way of thinking, acting, relating to others, and so on. Something that will most likely take me another 40 years of extremely hard work, and all the while I'll still feel like shit.
I just don't see how this is really worth the effort at this point. I've lost so much time, and I only have a steady physical decline to look forward to. Really, spending years and years continuing trying to fight my own mind and feeling terrible is more than I can take. I'm too tired and worn out for this and I really just want to be allowed to give up.

It just feels like it's much too late to try to fix this. Is there anyone who can relate? Or has been able to deal with these kinds of thoughts/feelings?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Is there anyone else here in their late 30ies who feels like it's too late to try to fix their lives?

Our personal situations are totally different but I agree that if life fails around 40 life is more or less over. I failed in early 40's and now I'm past mid 40's and it's over bc I reject starting from point 0 ( no severe MH issues ). With each year that passes it becomes harder to recover and it needs more and more efforts if we want to come back on track. 40's /50's would be the best time of a life imo if our lives were at least avg and in order.

To answer your question from my perspective: It's never too late to fix sth in life but as long as we do not want it and we are not ready to put the necessary energy and will power into it, it's too late.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I should've died in my 20s.

 

[breezyjelly]

Is there anyone else here in their late 30ies who feels like it's too late to try to fix their lives?

For context, I have eatly onset treatment resistant persistent depressive disorder. In my case that means I've been depressed since childhood and I've been on different antidepressants since I was 18 and they haven't help. I've been trying for 20 years to get psychiatric help, but have been denied partly because I've been deemed too high functioning/not sick enough, and partly because health care and psychiatric care in particular is massively underfunded in my country.
However, one and a half year ago I lost the last thing that was keeping me alive ended up in a psych ward (very much against my will). Now I am deemed to be sick enough to get help, and I'm on an extended sick leave. However it feels like it's too late now. First of, I no longer have any real reason to live. And then there's a milion other things; like I don't know if it is at possible to "recover" from something that has been with me since childhood. And then there's the fact that I literally have no idea who I would be with depression.
Realistically I've reached the halfway point of my life. What left is middle age and then the slow decline of old age. I've had almost 40 years of missing out on everything, completely fucking my life up, and have not achived a single thing.
I feel like I would now have to start over basically at the level I was when I first got depressed - so that of a young child - to completely rebuild my entire personality, way of thinking, acting, relating to others, and so on. Something that will most likely take me another 40 years of extremely hard work, and all the while I'll still feel like shit.
I just don't see how this is really worth the effort at this point. I've lost so much time, and I only have a steady physical decline to look forward to. Really, spending years and years continuing trying to fight my own mind and feeling terrible is more than I can take. I'm too tired and worn out for this and I really just want to be allowed to give up.

It just feels like it's much too late to try to fix this. Is there anyone who can relate? Or has been able to deal with these kinds of thoughts/feelings?

I totally understand. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

When I say I understand, it's because I really do. I'm in my mid-thirties. I'm in a deadbeat job that I only have because it's a family-owned business (so basically they felt sorry for me because I kept messing up other jobs). Also had some form of MDD since my early teens combined with auDHD. I can't talk to my family about my mental health because they don't "believe" in it. (I am always told to pray harder/give my problems to God…) I actually told my dad the other day that I'm planning to ctb and he said he'll pray for me… I know he thinks I'm not serious. Knowing I'll never amount to much more, stuck in this debilitating depressive episode for months (meds don't help), having frequent anxiety attacks… I don't know what to do next.

My only advice I can give that helps me get up every morning (apart from not bringing shame on my family) is that the bus will still be there tomorrow. If I can just do one thing each day that gives me joy (like go for a walk or drink a cup of coffee in the sunlight), then maybe the next day I'll be able to do two things that gives me joy and so on. It's not easy, but it's a method of sticking around I guess. (Sorry for the long reply, I hope you feel some relief today.)

 

[F@#$]

I should've died in my 20s.

Me too

 

[mellie5]

Look, tbh ik irl an actual psychiatrist who *started* university at 38 and became a psychiatrist at 50 and he's actually quite good.

Idk what you are good at but who knows. "Life is over at 40" like someone said above is a little exaggerated. Eh, sure you won't be 20 but you are not an old man with a cane. And ik that to people who are 20, 40 perhaps seems like 100.

Treatment-resistant depression is bad and living at the hospital is not good. But haven't you made friends with other patients? Good things happen, statistically.

Depression is a Bad Thing but having had it for 20 years I can see you "learning to live with it" and new treatments that perhaps you haven't tried. But with 20 years' experience I can see you helping people with depression much better than a lot of people. I mean you would actually *know* how it feels, you wouldn't have just learnt it.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I am in my 30s. Do I feel like it's too late to fix anything? No.

I spent most of my 20s trying to fix myself and my life. What did I end up with? Not a lot. Worked hard, went to university, and tried for years. I loved my job for a bit. Loved working for a while. Found happiness when I could and held onto it.

But I deal with bipolar disorder so it all comes and goes. But I do feel like I've tried enough. Travelled met a lot of people did what I wanted to do realistically with my capabilities in the context of my day-to-day life.

I didn't miss out on anything. I did what I could do when I felt like doing it and when I hated doing it.

Now I just forgive myself for failing. I tried hard enough. No sense in trying hard anymore. I spent a few years just surviving now I am not even doing that. No winners or losers just me at the end of the day and I don't blame anyone for that. No sense in it. I forgave the world and everyone in it. I am forgiving myself.

I think there's a big difference between thinking it's too late to fix anything and feeling like more time won't really fix anything either way.

Good luck to you on your journey my friend.

 

[Ash]

I know people who have gone to university in their 50s and 60s and stayed on to do PhDs. Others who have completely changed careers or started businesses in totally different areas later in life. Others still who have taken up activities after being real couch potatoes and gone on to take on huge physical challenges. Others who have had to deal with life changing injuries or illnesses and changed some of all aspects of their lives as a result.

It's not about how old you are or what condition your body is in. It's the mindset that counts.

(For clarity, I'm *not* saying that anyone who is suicidal or depressed needs to buck up their attitude. That's like saying someone who is immunocompromised needs to give their immune system a talking to. It doesn't work like that. I hope we all know that, at least. *hard stare at my family*)

 

[Felodese]

Look, tbh ik irl an actual psychiatrist who *started* university at 38 and became a psychiatrist at 50 and he's actually quite good.

Idk what you are good at but who knows. "Life is over at 40" like someone said above is a little exaggerated. Eh, sure you won't be 20 but you are not an old man with a cane. And ik that to people who are 20, 40 perhaps seems like 100.

Treatment-resistant depression is bad and living at the hospital is not good. But haven't you made friends with other patients? Good things happen, statistically.

Depression is a Bad Thing but having had it for 20 years I can see you "learning to live with it" and new treatments that perhaps you haven't tried. But with 20 years' experience I can see you helping people with depression much better than a lot of people. I mean you would actually *know* how it feels, you wouldn't have just learnt it.

I'm out of the psych ward. I was there for a month. I did not make any friends there. It's really more of a psychiatric ER; the majority of us were not in a stable enough state for that.

I can see that you mean well, but I have not learned to live with my depression. I have been in survival mode for most of my life. I not a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" kind of person. I've been worn down by it. It's been slowly killing me since childhood. And now I'm at a point where continuing to live with it just seems like pointless self-torture.
If good things happen I feel no joy. All positive feelings are muted, and I can't really feel them.
I'm not in a position to help anyone.

 

[mellie5]

I understand what you mean and in Holland a woman CTBd medically because of treatment-resistant depression. The documentary is in YT and shows her going peacefully.

Idk exaxtly what you have so idk if ECT would be indicated, but I have seen with my own eyes people with 20 years' depressiom having it gone with one series of ECT (3x a week), they themselves couldn't believe it.

There is also TMS which has shown improvement in many patients.

Finally there is paychosurgery, which is a last resort option (if any, 1-2 are performed in the UK per year). It needs many forms and permissions.

And ofc new medication which is always showing up. But 40 is not old at all.

 

[greebo6]

It depends on what you think its too late for.
Medicine is constantly changing. A new medication could be coming sooner in the future than you imagine that would actually work for you.
Maybe , just maybe .
But if you mean is it too late to fix/change your life to be what you'd like it to be in terms of things like employment , romantic relationships , etc....
Well , sadly there does come a point when a person is really too old and its too late to fix / change those kind of things.

 

[Myexit]

Is there anyone else here in their late 30ies who feels like it's too late to try to fix their lives?

For context, I have eatly onset treatment resistant persistent depressive disorder. In my case that means I've been depressed since childhood and I've been on different antidepressants since I was 18 and they haven't help. I've been trying for 20 years to get psychiatric help, but have been denied partly because I've been deemed too high functioning/not sick enough, and partly because health care and psychiatric care in particular is massively underfunded in my country.
However, one and a half year ago I lost the last thing that was keeping me alive ended up in a psych ward (very much against my will). Now I am deemed to be sick enough to get help, and I'm on an extended sick leave. However it feels like it's too late now. First of, I no longer have any real reason to live. And then there's a milion other things; like I don't know if it is at possible to "recover" from something that has been with me since childhood. And then there's the fact that I literally have no idea who I would be with depression.
Realistically I've reached the halfway point of my life. What left is middle age and then the slow decline of old age. I've had almost 40 years of missing out on everything, completely fucking my life up, and have not achived a single thing.
I feel like I would now have to start over basically at the level I was when I first got depressed - so that of a young child - to completely rebuild my entire personality, way of thinking, acting, relating to others, and so on. Something that will most likely take me another 40 years of extremely hard work, and all the while I'll still feel like shit.
I just don't see how this is really worth the effort at this point. I've lost so much time, and I only have a steady physical decline to look forward to. Really, spending years and years continuing trying to fight my own mind and feeling terrible is more than I can take. I'm too tired and worn out for this and I really just want to be allowed to give up.

It just feels like it's much too late to try to fix this. Is there anyone who can relate? Or has been able to deal with these kind

You are not alone. I'm mid fifties and have turned down radiotherapy and the hormone tablets they wanted me to take which would have made me sicker than I was prior to the cancer diagnosis. I hope nature takes it's course real soon coz just like you I too know time is running out and I want a nice peaceful exit, hopefully.
I hope you find the peace and clarity you are looking for

 

[Felodese]

You are not alone. I'm mid fifties and have turned down radiotherapy and the hormone tablets they wanted me to take which would have made me sicker than I was prior to the cancer diagnosis. I hope nature takes it's course real soon coz just like you I too know time is running out and I want a nice peaceful exit, hopefully.
I hope you find the peace and clarity you are looking for

Thanks, man

 

[enduringwinter]

I am in my early 30s and have genuine massive respect for anyone struggling with a bad life beyond their 30s and I am someone with no respect for human usually. You guys are wiser and kinder than anyone else and deserve so much better. That life is so unfair makes me sad.

 

[AmberianDawn]

My mind tricks me into believing that I can start from scratch, when in reality my brain is getting worse and older, I feel like I have premature old age.

The only thing left for me is to make friends with death and take it as a natural part.

There are people who can get ahead! This is not my case, if I went out it would be for a short period, I do not have the necessary intelligence to fit into this world