too scared to die

[Yume Nikki]

If I knew what happened after death, I would've done it already, but I am honestly at a point where I'm just tired of suffering. From my cat, grandma, and father's passing, to a terrible breakup from an abusive relationship, I've come to a conclusion that I've lost faith in humanity and that I cannot put my trust into anybody. My OCD is off the rails and convinces me that this is the only way out. But it would destroy me to have to relive another life if reincarnation exists, I would prefer black nothingness to possibly take the form of a different human being/entity entirely with a different family unit, I wouldn't trade them for anything but I don't know how to leave them behind knowing the damage it would cause to them personally.

 

[PianoGoat]

That is true...
Sometimes the thoght of leaving unresolved issues behind or leaving people broken forever is an incredibly hard pill to swallow.
Some philosophers used to say that the reality is just absurd, and that you should live in the absurd, but to be honest, as much as i love philosophy, it still feels a bit too... "machiney?" to me
Sometimes you just wish there was a way to explain reality.
Reality for real.
What would even be black nothingness? could you imagine it?
You arent able to imagine anything outside yourself, and thats kind of a condition every human has, no matter what they can only experience reality through their body.
So maybe its not about trust in others but trust in yourself.
If you believe you can change the world, why worry, the only protagonist here is you.
Maybe i am just a message from nature, warning you?
I think you should consider everything, and i mean everything.
I've had and i keep having so many suicidal thoughts, i constantly doubt myself, and i am
nobody to talk, but i feel so much sympathy for this feeling of being alienated, that the whole world was literally just made to hurt YOU and push you to the ground.
Maybe we all need to accept the absurdity once in a while, what are your thoughts?
What would you do if you had power over reality? Would you rather end everything, end reality by killing yourself and destroying all of reality from your body, or try and find more from this reality?

ps. yume nikki is such an amazing experience, glad to see it here ;)

 

[Yume Nikki]

That is true...
Sometimes the thoght of leaving unresolved issues behind or leaving people broken forever is an incredibly hard pill to swallow.
Some philosophers used to say that the reality is just absurd, and that you should live in the absurd, but to be honest, as much as i love philosophy, it still feels a bit too... "machiney?" to me
Sometimes you just wish there was a way to explain reality.
Reality for real.
What would even be black nothingness? could you imagine it?
You arent able to imagine anything outside yourself, and thats kind of a condition every human has, no matter what they can only experience reality through their body.
So maybe its not about trust in others but trust in yourself.
If you believe you can change the world, why worry, the only protagonist here is you.
Maybe i am just a message from nature, warning you?
I think you should consider everything, and i mean everything.
I've had and i keep having so many suicidal thoughts, i constantly doubt myself, and i am
nobody to talk, but i feel so much sympathy for this feeling of being alienated, that the whole world was literally just made to hurt YOU and push you to the ground.
Maybe we all need to accept the absurdity once in a while, what are your thoughts?
What would you do if you had power over reality? Would you rather end everything, end reality by killing yourself and destroying all of reality from your body, or try and find more from this reality?

ps. yume nikki is such an amazing experience, glad to see it here ;)

I feel like my existence is meaningless and I'm just here to be everyone's punching bag. My mom and brother are tired of me relapsing from depression, but I have no means to escape this sadness. From past mistakes and regrets, to living an unhappy life drowned by sorrow, it's getting to the point that I have no intentions of living past 30. Everyone has essentially lied and backstabbed me over and over again. I am fed up with this.

I love Yume Nikki and have collected alot of merch from the game, sadly I sold some of it away to afford rent, but it's the only game where I truly felt at peace. This may sound silly but I wouldn't mind living in Madotsuki's world after I die. It'd be a dream come true.

 

[PianoGoat]

I feel like my existence is meaningless and I'm just here to be everyone's punching bag. My mom and brother are tired of me relapsing from depression, but I have no means to escape this sadness. From past mistakes and regrets, to living an unhappy life drowned by sorrow, it's getting to the point that I have no intentions of living past 30. Everyone has essentially lied and backstabbed me over and over again. I am fed up with this.

I love Yume Nikki and have collected alot of merch from the game, sadly I sold some of it away to afford rent, but it's the only game where I truly felt at peace. This may sound silly but I wouldn't mind living in Madotsuki's world after I die. It'd be a dream come true.

Damn, if i could give you a hug i would right now...
It really does feel like life is like that sometimes. Im lucky i never had those issues... i have mental issues but i never told parents or family and i
honestly don't plan on doing it...
It's terrible though, do your mother and brother not support you? If its something that has been going on for a while, has there been a moment when they just lost care for you?
And about past mistakes and regrets, are they bad enough that you can't even try and get a fresh start?

I wonder how many years you've been hoping for something to change and just living on, and thats really tragic in my opinion if after all that time it's still like this...

But i probably still wouldn't give up completely, you never know what could happen, maybe you could meet new people who will make you feel alive again or find a new hobby or something.
You said you have no intentions of living past 30, now i dont know how old you are but if you say that, then give yourself a "deadline" like getting 30 years old. But make sure you try your best, and make sure that no matter what you can say "I tried". I mean if you want to end your life its worth a last shot trying to change everything no?

But i know nothing of your situation so i apologize if it sounds like im oversimplifying how much pain and suffering you've been through, it is not my intention at all.

About Yume Nikki, i probably agree, it wouldn't be too bad living there, afterall despite how weird it is it's still less absurd than the world we live in

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering, I also feel so tired of it all as well. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Damn, if i could give you a hug i would right now...
It really does feel like life is like that sometimes. Im lucky i never had those issues... i have mental issues but i never told parents or family and i
honestly don't plan on doing it...
It's terrible though, do your mother and brother not support you? If its something that has been going on for a while, has there been a moment when they just lost care for you?
And about past mistakes and regrets, are they bad enough that you can't even try and get a fresh start?

I wonder how many years you've been hoping for something to change and just living on, and thats really tragic in my opinion if after all that time it's still like this...

But i probably still wouldn't give up completely, you never know what could happen, maybe you could meet new people who will make you feel alive again or find a new hobby or something.
You said you have no intentions of living past 30, now i dont know how old you are but if you say that, then give yourself a "deadline" like getting 30 years old. But make sure you try your best, and make sure that no matter what you can say "I tried". I mean if you want to end your life its worth a last shot trying to change everything no?

But i know nothing of your situation so i apologize if it sounds like im oversimplifying how much pain and suffering you've been through, it is not my intention at all.

About Yume Nikki, i probably agree, it wouldn't be too bad living there, afterall despite how weird it is it's still less absurd than the world we live in

My family is supportive, but they can be judgemental at certain times, I've been suicidal in the past and ended up in the hospital because of it. My ex saved my life and then abandoned me once more. I keep losing people instead of gaining, so I'm not sure I deserve this, or it's God's way of punishing me or giving me karma for some reason. Just the idea of my ex ending up with someone else other then me hurts like hell, and I am led to believe that maybe I am just not meant for this world. If I could live in Madotsuki's, it wouldn't be so bad, I could explore, sit peacefully next to NPCs and continue to live a quiet life without pain or suffering.

 

[PianoGoat]

My family is supportive, but they can be judgemental at certain times, I've been suicidal in the past and ended up in the hospital because of it. My ex saved my life and then abandoned me once more. I keep losing people instead of gaining, so I'm not sure I deserve this, or it's God's way of punishing me or giving me karma for some reason. Just the idea of my ex ending up with someone else other then me hurts like hell, and I am led to believe that maybe I am just not meant for this world. If I could live in Madotsuki's, it wouldn't be so bad, I could explore, sit peacefully next to NPCs and continue to live a quiet life without pain or suffering.

I dont think God is punishing you or giving you karma, i think its more possible that this is a really big challenge for you right now. Its hard but i do believe that you can get through it. I used to think that too, towards my ex, but one day she texted me on telegram saying that she was "curious of how i was doing".
told me she had found another boyfriend who was into drugs and ruined her life, apologized to me for taking advantage of me and said i was the best thing that ever happened to her.
Might i remind you she tried committing suicide because of me.
To be honest i did appreciate that she realized that, but that was the first time in my life where i just was like "no, im not going to throw my life away for such a petty person"

Maybe your ex will realize it too, maybe he won't. That still doesn't change the fact he broke you, and i dont think there is anything he could ever do to fix you. And trust me you will find a reason to keep living in this world, i can promise that.

About yume nikki, i agree but i probably would be so afraid seeing some of the npc's as i used to have nightmares of them as a child...

 

[Yume Nikki]

I dont think God is punishing you or giving you karma, i think its more possible that this is a really big challenge for you right now. Its hard but i do believe that you can get through it. I used to think that too, towards my ex, but one day she texted me on telegram saying that she was "curious of how i was doing".
told me she had found another boyfriend who was into drugs and ruined her life, apologized to me for taking advantage of me and said i was the best thing that ever happened to her.
Might i remind you she tried committing suicide because of me.
To be honest i did appreciate that she realized that, but that was the first time in my life where i just was like "no, im not going to throw my life away for such a petty person"

Maybe your ex will realize it too, maybe he won't. That still doesn't change the fact he broke you, and i dont think there is anything he could ever do to fix you. And trust me you will find a reason to keep living in this world, i can promise that.

About yume nikki, i agree but i probably would be so afraid seeing some of the npc's as i used to have nightmares of them as a child...

It's just hard to think positively when you've been met with so much disappointment in your life. It feels neverending suffering, even if I do get better I might come crashing down again at some point. I thought he was the one for me, that he would support me through my struggles but all I got was mistreatment in return. Being alone doesn't sound so bad after all. I don't have to meet expectations and I no longer need to fulfill an empty void when all I have is myself.

I've never been scared of the Yume Nikki npcs for some reason, even as a kid, I always found them comforting. but I can understand how others might be terrified of them though.

 

[PianoGoat]

It's just hard to think positively when you've been met with so much disappointment in your life. It feels neverending suffering, even if I do get better I might come crashing down again at some point. I thought he was the one for me, that he would support me through my struggles but all I got was mistreatment in return. Being alone doesn't sound so bad after all. I don't have to meet expectations and I no longer need to fulfill an empty void when all I have is myself.

I've never been scared of the Yume Nikki npcs for some reason, even as a kid, I always found them comforting. but I can understand how others might be terrified of them though.

Absolutely, right now you should take some
time to be alone (dont isolate from friends and family if you can though!).
As another account wrote in the post about your ex (which is probably one of the best messages i have ever read in my life), they destroy you, pick you apart, and breaking up is one of the most traumatazing things ever. So please just remember that right now your priority is getting through this, and expecially since you're here telling your story i believe you can do it.
If you ever need to talk about something this place is always open, and i will do my best to listen and give my thoughts, as well as many other people who sympathise with your story.

And about the npc's... i've always been fascinated with the unknown and dreams in general, but at the same time extremely scared by it. When i was little i used to have an unhealthy fear of clocks...
one night i couldnt sleep (i was 6) because of the ticking in the dark
I've always been a bit of a scaredy cat :/

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

But it would destroy me to have to relive another life if reincarnation exists, I would prefer black nothingness to possibly take the form of a different human being/entity entirely with a different family unit, I wouldn't trade them for anything but I don't know how to leave them behind knowing the damage it would cause to them personally.

There are a variety of beliefs about reincarnation, but most say you wouldn't retain any memories from your present life if you reincarnated into another human body on Earth, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. If you believe in karma, it may influence your reincarnation and possibly persist through it, but you'd still have a brand new body and mind.

Some say that suicide in this life will result in suicide for the next 7 lives. That's a scary thought, but if you think about it carefully this would be like 7 different people who were related but never met each other killing themselves, not like the same person doing it 7 lives in a row. I also don't particularly find that theory to be very plausible, it just sounds like pro-life propaganda to me. Like why 7 lives?

Other beliefs are more comforting. Some say there is an intermediate state of being after death where you are comforted and healed before reincarnating. So reincarnation doesn't have to be scary at all. Our mind tends to grasp at the scary possibilities, but always be mindful to consider the full range of possiblilities, especiallly if you're anxious about something.