KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,744
I'm sure others here have experienced similar feelings too, but it's quite difficult to put into words. Perhaps it's due to being autistic, or dealing with a litany of difficult circumstances from a very early age, but I've always felt as if I am too sensitive/affected by the hurt of everything, or as others would say, lacking in resilience.
When I was very young, around 3 or 4 years old, I began to fear death and the afterlife or lack thereof extensively, as I was raised in an extremely religious household and often exposed to graphic depictions of hell/purgatory/and all of that nonsense. Before I even started primary school, I was thinking about everyone I knew dying someday and frequently crying about it and having nightmares. Being molested messed my brain up even more.
Because of my autism, as I've mentioned many times before, I was bullied from the moment I was intermingling with other people. I was expected to be tough and take it, but my childhood up till around age 12/13 was spent in almost complete solitude and subjected to non-stop ostracism and mocking from other children. Because I was quite naive and vulnerable, people would take advantage of that. My home life was also terrible, and experiencing the death of my father when I was still in primary school as well as being abandoned by my mother as a baby further rattled my mind.
Throughout my life, I've been dealt blow after blow and expected to just.. move on. Yet, emotionally, I feel so battered and weak. It's hard to socialise or exist in this world when you're carrying so much baggage. Whenever I try to sleep, it's like I often am getting my own personal horror flick of terrible things that have happened in my life, from the rape and abuse, to neglect, bullying, violence, harassment, witnessing death, sickness, loneliness, fear, and the whole spectrum of awfulness that accompanies the human condition.
As I've aged though, this has only gotten worse. Knowing the best days are behind me makes it harder to cope with what's to come in the future. I feel too sensitive to carry the burden of even more emotional and physical pain. I see so much wickedness in the world and it is hard to turn a blind eye to it. Many times it's not even the wickedness of human actions but nature itself. I'm extremely lonely and isolated and the loneliness gnaws at me constantly like a dull ache. I am always yearning for my younger days again where I was not so alone, because at least my family members were alive.
No matter how much help I sought out, no one really ever understood this problem. I'd just get told to seek out distractions time and time again, to become more stoic, or to do yoga and meditate, when this pain runs deep. Life has really worn me out. I see people with youthful optimism and vigor and knowing those days are long behind me. The things that have happened have aged me so much and are burdens I'll have to bear the rest of my life. I hate being so sensitive and I wish that I simply didn't care anymore, but I've always been wired this way and it makes me want to die.
I remember spring my grandmother had an accident and I was left alone to deal with it while she was screaming in pain and I didn't know if she would be alright. I called anyone she knew and begged people for help and they didn't do anything. I was left alone for weeks to cry, to feel afraid, and to not know if my last relative was going to live or die. Especially since I have completed university, I have lived an extremely isolated life. No one cares about me and I think if I died tomorrow no one would notice, but I am left to sit with this terrible situation and told to refer myself to talkworks CBT which doesn't work for me.
Whenever I graduated university all the support and community I had was instantaneously cut off and I was told it's just part of life and I need to "make my own path" when a person like me doesn't have anything. The intense disappointment resulting from this jarring change was once again viewed as sensitivity. I've quickly realised that people I saw daily, or weekly, for years couldn't have cared less about me. People return to their families, or their roots, but when you have never had stability, you just get thrown to the wolves and expected to cope when you are lacking such fundamental support.
I always feel so vulnerable and weak, and it makes me want to die. Not just emotionally, but physically I am so sensitive to pain and sometimes my pain has flared up to such a degree that my back will become stiff and I can hardly move, sometimes I am so angry because the pain from my spinal problems overrides everything and it is all I can focus on because I want the pain to stop but have already been told by doctors I am not getting any referrals or anything except paracetamol. I'm expected to decline, and be happy about it, otherwise I'm overemotional and mentally ill.
A person like me just seems so unfit for this world. Sometimes, the deep emotional pain from all the traumatic shit I've experienced in my two and a half decades on this earth usurps the agony I felt waking up from a major surgery with no pain relief except paracetamol, and that was some of the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. But eventually, there was a remedy for it. I know there is never going to be a salve for how I feel right now because I have been so sensitive since I was a toddler, and I have been suicidal since I was around 13-14 years old.
The concept of recovery is mutually exclusive with suffering for almost my entire life on one way or another. People have often told me in the past that they pity me or that I have a very bad life, but I am always expected to deal with it, put on a mask, and parade around as if I'm not a disabled, lonesome, family-less, friend-less, ugly, loser woman.
When I was very young, around 3 or 4 years old, I began to fear death and the afterlife or lack thereof extensively, as I was raised in an extremely religious household and often exposed to graphic depictions of hell/purgatory/and all of that nonsense. Before I even started primary school, I was thinking about everyone I knew dying someday and frequently crying about it and having nightmares. Being molested messed my brain up even more.
Because of my autism, as I've mentioned many times before, I was bullied from the moment I was intermingling with other people. I was expected to be tough and take it, but my childhood up till around age 12/13 was spent in almost complete solitude and subjected to non-stop ostracism and mocking from other children. Because I was quite naive and vulnerable, people would take advantage of that. My home life was also terrible, and experiencing the death of my father when I was still in primary school as well as being abandoned by my mother as a baby further rattled my mind.
Throughout my life, I've been dealt blow after blow and expected to just.. move on. Yet, emotionally, I feel so battered and weak. It's hard to socialise or exist in this world when you're carrying so much baggage. Whenever I try to sleep, it's like I often am getting my own personal horror flick of terrible things that have happened in my life, from the rape and abuse, to neglect, bullying, violence, harassment, witnessing death, sickness, loneliness, fear, and the whole spectrum of awfulness that accompanies the human condition.
As I've aged though, this has only gotten worse. Knowing the best days are behind me makes it harder to cope with what's to come in the future. I feel too sensitive to carry the burden of even more emotional and physical pain. I see so much wickedness in the world and it is hard to turn a blind eye to it. Many times it's not even the wickedness of human actions but nature itself. I'm extremely lonely and isolated and the loneliness gnaws at me constantly like a dull ache. I am always yearning for my younger days again where I was not so alone, because at least my family members were alive.
No matter how much help I sought out, no one really ever understood this problem. I'd just get told to seek out distractions time and time again, to become more stoic, or to do yoga and meditate, when this pain runs deep. Life has really worn me out. I see people with youthful optimism and vigor and knowing those days are long behind me. The things that have happened have aged me so much and are burdens I'll have to bear the rest of my life. I hate being so sensitive and I wish that I simply didn't care anymore, but I've always been wired this way and it makes me want to die.
I remember spring my grandmother had an accident and I was left alone to deal with it while she was screaming in pain and I didn't know if she would be alright. I called anyone she knew and begged people for help and they didn't do anything. I was left alone for weeks to cry, to feel afraid, and to not know if my last relative was going to live or die. Especially since I have completed university, I have lived an extremely isolated life. No one cares about me and I think if I died tomorrow no one would notice, but I am left to sit with this terrible situation and told to refer myself to talkworks CBT which doesn't work for me.
Whenever I graduated university all the support and community I had was instantaneously cut off and I was told it's just part of life and I need to "make my own path" when a person like me doesn't have anything. The intense disappointment resulting from this jarring change was once again viewed as sensitivity. I've quickly realised that people I saw daily, or weekly, for years couldn't have cared less about me. People return to their families, or their roots, but when you have never had stability, you just get thrown to the wolves and expected to cope when you are lacking such fundamental support.
I always feel so vulnerable and weak, and it makes me want to die. Not just emotionally, but physically I am so sensitive to pain and sometimes my pain has flared up to such a degree that my back will become stiff and I can hardly move, sometimes I am so angry because the pain from my spinal problems overrides everything and it is all I can focus on because I want the pain to stop but have already been told by doctors I am not getting any referrals or anything except paracetamol. I'm expected to decline, and be happy about it, otherwise I'm overemotional and mentally ill.
A person like me just seems so unfit for this world. Sometimes, the deep emotional pain from all the traumatic shit I've experienced in my two and a half decades on this earth usurps the agony I felt waking up from a major surgery with no pain relief except paracetamol, and that was some of the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. But eventually, there was a remedy for it. I know there is never going to be a salve for how I feel right now because I have been so sensitive since I was a toddler, and I have been suicidal since I was around 13-14 years old.
The concept of recovery is mutually exclusive with suffering for almost my entire life on one way or another. People have often told me in the past that they pity me or that I have a very bad life, but I am always expected to deal with it, put on a mask, and parade around as if I'm not a disabled, lonesome, family-less, friend-less, ugly, loser woman.
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