Toxic short relationship & communication fears

[Uk2023]

I'm so sad today on things from the last 4 years.

I had a terrible experience in childhood with my Dads on/off partner.

He died a few years ago and she has stolen his things (my inheritance) and everybody knows… they are not kind about it either; it's like being mocked constantly. It doesn't help that I'm financially not great.

I confided to someone I was dating; I did not want to but I had been quiet and distant a week. When I snapped out of it and was happy to be alive and with someone I like he was DEMANDING I tell him what had been wrong.

He actually scared me into it; he would not drop it for a week while I was with him and away (with calls, messages and long emails) like he was begging to know why I shut down and why I was back again. Like an idiot; I did say - it's grief and anger for my Dad and his ex.

I told him I hate that woman so much I wish she was dead; I said of my existing relatives that I feel hated for being upset. I'm aware no one cares about any unpleasant and I'm aware my brain can't always get on with it; I avoided a wedding and a few birthdays to avoid the woman as she seems embedded into the family. People are so eager to say don't be effected or fight back; it's the worst advice I could be given… there is nothing I can do but let it go; but part of my soul has died. It's like Dad died and I lost everyone else to because I can't tolerate much from anyone now…

The guy promised to help me, ease me back into socialising and made me rsvp us both for a birthday party (including our food choices) … 1 month later he dumped me OUT of nowhere. It was also a week before the birthday and I bought a dress because he had shown me 2 suits he already had; he was more excited than me! I helped him pick a new fragrance as I remembered a favourite perfume of mine, he did something odd - he told me after he paid for it that his mum helped him pick it (I had just picked it though and I had said that my late mum had helped me pick mine)

He came back a month later only to win me back but in the process let me know that I'm a 'psycho' and 'can't go around threatening people like your Dads ex' he also let me know that the 1 month ditch of cutting me off was indeed a punishment for my 1 week of being mentally distant! I was around him just flat and blank and very sleepy. He somehow felt used and ignored… I pointed out his dog was making a fuss of me that week by being on my lap and sleeping on my side of the bed - it was obvious I was upset, no appetite and quiet. I snapped out of it and instead of being happy to see me back in good spirits he gave me a week of interrogation, and then a great 4 weeks.

He dumped me.

I also pointed out I made no threat to that woman; simply said I wished she was dead. He had opened up a can of worms for me emotionally; he then set about building me up to work on being sociable as my wing man but ditched … He then let me know that he was hurt and had slept with 2 women in that month; said they used him for sex. He STD tested and was clear; this made me feel sick. I had not dated anyone for 5 years so it was quite strange.

I don't mean to be unfair here but I'm finding men in dating to be real 'creatures'.

It would not have taken much emotional intelligence from the guy I was seeing to let it go or be happy that I was over it… it's like he honestly thought I was game playing. We had agreed in the beginning not to speak on negatives (I was happy off anti depressants… he was happy out of a 6 year relationship that was 'toxic') we agreed not to speak in exes (he tried many times after but I shut it down) ; he knew I was twice bereaved and had many significant dates (their death dates and birthdays) all in same month.

I took myself off an antidepressant 1 year before we met I was proud of it… in his last conversation with me he said i was BRAIN DAMAGED for being on the anti depressant for years and it had killed my libido; he dumped me for treating him like crap… I know it's all lies obviously; it was easy for me not to care at the time.

I'm just crying about it today as that man is the last person to hug me. I actually hate myself for that; it would have been better for my late Dad to have that place. And the two suits he showed me for the birthday party were obviously for the 2 women he went onto meet. He clearly soaked up my comment that 'my mum used to like this perfume for me' when I picked mine… to use for himself as a line to say to those two women.

I can't handle deception like that.

He confided a lot about his lack of confidence with women and why he liked the way we connected (spoke for a month before meeting in person) I realise now that he just didn't like my week of sadness or week of interrogation

He was surprised I didn't magically have a replacement plus one for the birthday… I did like him, it had been 3 months and no I didn't have any replacement… I still can't even talk to men.

I really hurts my heart

 

[escape_from_hell]

Have had similar experiences, but as a male.
Unfortunately many humans are like this regardless of the identities on which we so intently focus.

The tragic part is putting so much energy and investing emotions into these types of relationships. Tragic because we establish defenses to protect ourselves. Then, when we finally meet good people, we are suspicious and do not give the energy, love, and emotional investment it deserves. Some end up being good to the awful people and bad to the good people.
Only in hindsight is it clear. What use is wisdom when it's too late?

 

[SexyIncél]

I don't mean to be unfair here but I'm finding men in dating to be real 'creatures'.

Ok, that dude's a self-centered jerk. I dunno if he's a "narcissist" or whatnot, but he's a piece of trash that stuck to your shoe. Incapable of love; like a fungus, or boot to the nose

Where'd you meet this lovely fellow? Some kind of dating market? Thing is, the dating market's like the job market — most people are incompetent buffoons at the skill of teamwork

(Etymology of "competent": run or fly together)

This is why people try finding partners in their social circles. When you're looking for something other than sex, the "dating market" is a dirty place. You get in, quickly grab what you need, and get out. At least that's what I think

 

[Uk2023]

I have only ever let someone go after maybe a few dates (no physical)

I have never been awful to the good but have been on the receiving end.

It's so hard and draining… if that guy could see and know that 1 year later I can't even speak to a man.

I don't want to appear fragile as it's not attractive but I wish there was a way to say I'm really not built for any battle

Ok, that dude's a self-centered jerk. I dunno if he's a "narcissist" or whatnot, but he's a piece of trash that stuck to your shoe. Incapable of love; like a fungus, or boot to the nose

Where'd you meet this lovely fellow? Some kind of dating market? Thing is, the dating market's like the job market — most people are incompetent buffoons at the skill of teamwork

(Etymology of "competent": run or fly together)

This is why people try finding partners in their social circles. When you're looking for something other than sex, the "dating market" is a dirty place. You get in, quickly grab what you need, and get out. At least that's what I think

Yes he was trash.

Yes a dating app.

He was the only person that was 'respectful' in the talking stage:

Said I didn't want to swap numbers until a few meets.

Said I wanted a day time meet first; both free to know if we wanted a first date after

His profile was full of 'seeking life partner' stuff

He matched every voice message I sent and answered fully (except for 1 thing but I circled on it and he replied)

I had been on the app for months with nobody lasting that long and generally being rude (said I was weird to want to talk much and not swap numbers, demanding selfies, asking sexual questions) other men offered a first date straight away and always an evening drink which I didn't like at all.

I think I was so shocked he made it to meeting in real life that I fell for him a little.

I really am tired of a guy coming back because he has no problem with me but I have plenty wrong with them; it's why I chose to be single 5 years!

I hear you on 'social circle' I don't have one; I'm unemployed and my few friends would set me up with anyone to suit their immediate need (I had one talk about a guy despite never asking me what I'm looking for… turns out she just wanted a discount as he's a builder so thought she would throw a date with me in there… the guy has children with multiple women who all hate him so I avoided).

My life has been a case of - I know my network sucks and so I have withdrawn

My highlights before anti depressants is that I didn't look too deeply and seemed to glide like a social butterfly (I had places to go and people to see) I was too busy to be offended and happily solo.

 

[SexyIncél]

It's so hard and draining… if that guy could see and know that 1 year later I can't even speak to a man.

I strongly suspect he wouldn't care. More likely he'd be thrilled that he has such an effect on women. Dude's a player, shark-like, taking everything he learns & using it on other gals. I know a couple such men

You may hear some guys here saying that women gatekeep sex & relationships. I imagine that's a surprise to you! :P Because I think the truth is that MEN gatekeep relationships. Many of us dangle relationships like carrots ("selling the dream"). Because it's just "all in the game", like the way everyone's dishonest in job applicaitons

Yeah, I see the difficulty of your situation. Unemployment probably reduces your mobility — ability to meet people via shared interests. Your social circle needs upgrading...

So it makes sense to hoping for too much from the relationship world. The lower your expectations, the better off your heart is. Maybe opens the door to being pleasantly surprised by chance encounters...

I hear you on 'social circle' I don't have one; I'm unemployed and my few friends would set me up with anyone to suit their immediate need (I had one talk about a guy despite never asking me what I'm looking for… turns out she just wanted a discount as he's a builder so thought she would throw a date with me in there… the guy has children with multiple women who all hate him so I avoided).

OMFG

Ok, I hear 2024 is a particularly bad year for women's dating. To my knowledge, the most influential men's voices are probably in the group around Andrew Tate, like Fresh & Fit. They emphasize sex, side chicks & playing hardball — leveraging any advantage, including trickery. (An example of trickery: "selling the dream")

Also, Mystery (the famous pickup artist) is making a resurgence. Pickup artists have a strong grounding in "Game" — the art of pushing your buttons. I wonder if he used it on you

Not just guys. Your women 'friends' tried selling your ass to that guy for a coupon!

So the game's now degenerate

 

[Suicidebydeath]

He then let me know that he was hurt and had slept with 2 women in that month; said they used him for sex.

Wow, that is such bullshit. He was the one who put you on a break and then he slept around. That's unfaithful imo. Someone that has just apparently come out of a 6 year relationship should know better than that! Probably he was unfaithful there too if any of it is true.

I don't buy his story, it's full of red flags. I'm sorry you had to go through this on top of everything else with your family/"step"-family.

And the two suits he showed me for the birthday party were obviously for the 2 women he went onto meet. He clearly soaked up my comment that 'my mum used to like this perfume for me' when I picked mine… to use for himself as a line to say to those two women.

That's what I think as well. He used you to pick out perfume for him so he could go and be unfaithful. That's a total scumbag move, I hope that makes it easier for you to move on from him.

 

[Uk2023]

Wow, that is such bullshit. He was the one who put you on a break and then he slept around. That's unfaithful imo. Someone that has just apparently come out of a 6 year relationship should know better than that! Probably he was unfaithful there too if any of it is true.

I don't buy his story, it's full of red flags. I'm sorry you had to go through this on top of everything else with your family/"step"-family.

That's what I think as well. He used you to pick out perfume for him so he could go and be unfaithful. That's a total scumbag move, I hope that makes it easier for you to move on from him.

It has helped me; I was right to get out.

I don't miss him at all; I'm just disgusted at his timing in my life and the playbacks

It's just the delayed trauma of looking back on it and piecing it together.

I understand some people better - I used to find a lot of women demanding and needy but I get now that they are fighting to be treated right (I don't envy that though)

Its hard to tell who is made of what these days.

I don't want to teach people how to treat me but to just have the gift of aligning with people who are not evil

The excitement and enthusiasm to rsvp is what shocks me most! And for week, like he was excited but nervous; the amount of reassurances I gave and he was 'transporting' it somewhere else.

He did buy a shirt the same colour as my top while we were together as he complimented that it suits me and I said yes it's my skin tone, hair and eye colour that works well with it; I pointed out it would suit him too. Why couldn't he just be grateful that he found someone helpful… I almost understand people who won't compliment or even put down their partners.

It's a messy experience these replays.

I don't want to join the dark side, just have to build myself and maybe test others sooner.

 

[Uk2023]

I strongly suspect he wouldn't care. More likely he'd be thrilled that he has such an effect on women. Dude's a player, shark-like, taking everything he learns & using it on other gals. I know a couple such men

You may hear some guys here saying that women gatekeep sex & relationships. I imagine that's a surprise to you! :P Because I think the truth is that MEN gatekeep relationships. Many of us dangle relationships like carrots ("selling the dream"). Because it's just "all in the game", like the way everyone's dishonest in job applicaitons

Yeah, I see the difficulty of your situation. Unemployment probably reduces your mobility — ability to meet people via shared interests. Your social circle needs upgrading...

So it makes sense to hoping for too much from the relationship world. The lower your expectations, the better off your heart is. Maybe opens the door to being pleasantly surprised by chance encounters...


OMFG

Ok, I hear 2024 is a particularly bad year for women's dating. To my knowledge, the most influential men's voices are probably in the group around Andrew Tate, like Fresh & Fit. They emphasize sex, side chicks & playing hardball — leveraging any advantage, including trickery. (An example of trickery: "selling the dream")

Also, Mystery (the famous pickup artist) is making a resurgence. Pickup artists have a strong grounding in "Game" — the art of pushing your buttons. I wonder if he used it on you

Not just guys. Your women 'friends' tried selling your ass to that guy for a coupon!

So the game's now degenerate

I'm still not chatting to men and keeping myself busy mentally.

My female friends have indeed shown further true colours since I last posted - I've had a 'no' to all my suggestions and I was actually invited out on a 'I'll pick you up and we will go central' only to be picked up and locked in a moving car to be told 'you need to get your head out the clouds and we'll just go McDonald's' - she enjoyed the falsehood and my confusion. So my circle is now nonexistent as it's healthier!

I do feel very sad

I don't have a clue how to connect with new people and it's winter now, still unemployed so it's a case of accept the next 4 months alone, broke, bored and cold!

I can only try to strategise for the Spring and maybe fake it til I make it… the only plus side is I genuinely feel that the majority of people are my age (closer to 40 and over) really do have a bad attitude towards other people, it's use and abuse. I know how to avoid them, but to connect to good folk - a mystery