Gray Wounds
A Phantasmagoria
- Jun 27, 2018
- 575
It's the very first and the very last time I've tried to trust a fucking human being. And such trust was broken in an instant.
There's this human woman who's 7 years ahead of my age, a fucking pro-lifer and is so fucking religious. She kind of lured me into believing that she'll always be there for me, even saying promises that even if I end up in "hell", she'll extend her fucking hands to just take me out of there. Ah. What a damned tongue bedizened with faux gems that spells LIAR to my face. And yet, I dare not acknowledge it as truth because I want to enjoy that moment, even if it is fake, even if it is temporary.
We've been together for only one year, as each other's companion only. She knew almost everything about me, almost the same as the human being who entitles herself as my best friend. Or perhaps, her knowledge surpasses that of the other's. We've shared tears together, fears together, laughter together.... almost to the point where I can almost agree to living longer in this awful place full of liars, traitors, and saints tainted with their own evil. I thought and hoped that such moments will last, that at last I can say once more that I am human and not someone who they've branded as a "monster" of their quintessential society full of ashes.
Until one day, I was just slapped by a news saying that she's moving far from my reach. And she didn't even tell me about it. All along I knew while I play the most horrible part in our scene, pretending to be dumb when I know it all, and she fell for it. I didn't even try to stop her or anything. Perhaps, I have convinced myself too that it'll be for the betterment of her life. Besides, why and who will stay with someone whose darkness whatever you do just won't vanish? Why and who will stay with someone who is considered as a monster, a virus, a sickness that must be eliminated quickly, that must be isolated forever? I could only think that she too have realized that she have released some of my chains, and that she feared that if things continue that way, she too will end up being scrutinized, rejected by the rest. And that, sadly, is the truth because she admitted it that perhaps, it is best for us to be apart. She enjoys it, the company of her own kind. I'm just too fucking blind to actually believe that her light is real. That her promises, that her promise of being there for me always, is real.
I can still remember that day, her last day on our vicinity. I walked home in a hurry, earphones plugged on my ears but with the music not loud enough to reject her voice calling to me over and over again. That's the first time I ever felt as if I'm dying as I breathe in the air of secrets again. My heart feels so heavy and it aches a lot, my head throbbing in sadness, my body wanting to collapse. But I fought it all, I fought it all and pretended again that I am fine, that I hear naught.
That's the last time I saw her the way she is before. Now, I can only see a shadow of the very society who condemned me to SH, OD, and will to CTB every fucking day. There's nothing else for me to feel towards her presence aside from the anger and hatred which is shared to her kin and to her likes. It's just funny though, how she gave me a birthday present, a notebook containing our memories together with her apologizing to me regarding her sudden departure, and a note asking me to understand, lower my walls, and trust her once more. Damn human just can't take hint of my answer, "No."
Besides, she knows it that she can't be of any help to me anyway. So, why pursue? Just for thrill maybe? Damn.
There's this human woman who's 7 years ahead of my age, a fucking pro-lifer and is so fucking religious. She kind of lured me into believing that she'll always be there for me, even saying promises that even if I end up in "hell", she'll extend her fucking hands to just take me out of there. Ah. What a damned tongue bedizened with faux gems that spells LIAR to my face. And yet, I dare not acknowledge it as truth because I want to enjoy that moment, even if it is fake, even if it is temporary.
We've been together for only one year, as each other's companion only. She knew almost everything about me, almost the same as the human being who entitles herself as my best friend. Or perhaps, her knowledge surpasses that of the other's. We've shared tears together, fears together, laughter together.... almost to the point where I can almost agree to living longer in this awful place full of liars, traitors, and saints tainted with their own evil. I thought and hoped that such moments will last, that at last I can say once more that I am human and not someone who they've branded as a "monster" of their quintessential society full of ashes.
Until one day, I was just slapped by a news saying that she's moving far from my reach. And she didn't even tell me about it. All along I knew while I play the most horrible part in our scene, pretending to be dumb when I know it all, and she fell for it. I didn't even try to stop her or anything. Perhaps, I have convinced myself too that it'll be for the betterment of her life. Besides, why and who will stay with someone whose darkness whatever you do just won't vanish? Why and who will stay with someone who is considered as a monster, a virus, a sickness that must be eliminated quickly, that must be isolated forever? I could only think that she too have realized that she have released some of my chains, and that she feared that if things continue that way, she too will end up being scrutinized, rejected by the rest. And that, sadly, is the truth because she admitted it that perhaps, it is best for us to be apart. She enjoys it, the company of her own kind. I'm just too fucking blind to actually believe that her light is real. That her promises, that her promise of being there for me always, is real.
I can still remember that day, her last day on our vicinity. I walked home in a hurry, earphones plugged on my ears but with the music not loud enough to reject her voice calling to me over and over again. That's the first time I ever felt as if I'm dying as I breathe in the air of secrets again. My heart feels so heavy and it aches a lot, my head throbbing in sadness, my body wanting to collapse. But I fought it all, I fought it all and pretended again that I am fine, that I hear naught.
That's the last time I saw her the way she is before. Now, I can only see a shadow of the very society who condemned me to SH, OD, and will to CTB every fucking day. There's nothing else for me to feel towards her presence aside from the anger and hatred which is shared to her kin and to her likes. It's just funny though, how she gave me a birthday present, a notebook containing our memories together with her apologizing to me regarding her sudden departure, and a note asking me to understand, lower my walls, and trust her once more. Damn human just can't take hint of my answer, "No."
Besides, she knows it that she can't be of any help to me anyway. So, why pursue? Just for thrill maybe? Damn.
