Help Training myself to be happy but...

[ForgottenAgain]

Last week my time off started. As always, that can either be great for my mental health or terrible, having time off is stressful because I never know which state I'll be in.

Things were going alright, I bought a clicker to train myself to be happy, think Pavlov's methodology on positive conditioning. I used that to clean the house. I finished one section, *click*, rewarded myself with a treat and rinse and repeat. I was surprised that it worked and I was able to deep clean the whole living room. The trick was clicking the clicker right when I finished and immediately reward myself. Obviously I wasn't happy but I was satisfied with having a clean living room, the treat was tasty and I felt like I made progress so I'd say that is close to contentment.
I even used this for drinking water since I rarely drink. Drink a glass, *click*, reward. I felt more hydrated and felt like I did something good since I heard the sound and was rewarded.

Then a game came out that managed to surprise me and hook me, something that hasn't happened in more than a decade. I felt genuine happiness at times playing, so short, but I *click*, reward, and registered that moment. The *click* sound made me remember things better, it didn't feel like the day just passed by, I could recall that I heard the *click* X times that day and therefore I had empirical proof I was happy, even if just for a moment.

My outlook for this time off was improving, I was glad but, as usual, life came crashing down and I've spent all my time off days since then just trying to sort life issues.
Now I have a little time to breathe before I receive yet another phone call later on, however, I can't bring myself to do anything. I have that great game I enjoyed playing but it feels like I can't even open it. Like I don't have the energy to try and be happy. A cried spontaneously moments ago, I had managed to spend almost 2 days without crying, things were going well...why, just why must things always turn for the worst when I manage to find the strength to try and improve myself?

What is this all for...I feel trapped inside a cage of perpetual sadness. I just wanted to feel something else, SOMETHING.

 

[never_take_my_heart]

This is the first time I'm hearing about the clicker method, woah! Thank you for sharing, I might give it a try myself!..

Sadly, I'm rarely good at objective advice, and my "emotional support" is typically nothing but platitudes given I'm unable to serve as a physical presence while someone's struggling ("putting money where my mouth is"), thus this response of mine is, sadly, likely to be nothing but empty words. :(
But, here's my ramble anyways, haha... I only hope it's not frustrating...

It did warm my heart to read on how the clicker method actually served its purpose in regards to motivating you with room cleaning, and how you managed to enjoy that game at last, for the first time in so long!..

I found the latter part deeply relatable. Drawing was nothing but mechanical chore for years now, but, when I finally managed to enjoy the process unexpectedly, a wave of pure happiness washed over me upon realization that something that's supposed to be a "given", a simple joy is still available to me.

Of course, it's distressing to suddenly lose it, not noticing any patterns on how to possibly summon that sense of happiness again, relying on pure chances... And getting told "it happened once, it can happen again!" doesn't bring me any comfort personally, because, well, what if it... Won't? What if I won't be able to reproduce the circumstances of the previous time it happened, now only further bitter after getting a sense of peace abruptly taken away from me, after getting a taste of it at last?

That clicker approach however, it does seem to hold immense potential in your case!..

As distressing the current anguish of yours is, I hope it can continue to serve as a meaningful piece of puzzle on how to achieve those peace of mind moments again.

Until you've gathered enough for the climate of your mental state to shift to the point anguish is more of an anomaly rather than status quo.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

This is the first time I'm hearing about the clicker method, woah! Thank you for sharing, I might give it a try myself!..

Sadly, I'm rarely good at objective advice, and my "emotional support" is typically nothing but platitudes given I'm unable to serve as a physical presence while someone's struggling ("putting money where my mouth is"), thus this response of mine is, sadly, likely to be nothing but empty words. :(
But, here's my ramble anyways, haha... I only hope it's not frustrating...

It did warm my heart to read on how the clicker method actually served its purpose in regards to motivating you with room cleaning, and how you managed to enjoy that game at last, for the first time in so long!..

I found the latter part deeply relatable. Drawing was nothing but mechanical chore for years now, but, when I finally managed to enjoy the process unexpectedly, a wave of pure happiness washed over me upon realization that something that's supposed to be a "given", a simple joy is still available to me.

Of course, it's distressing to suddenly lose it, not noticing any patterns on how to possibly summon that sense of happiness again, relying on pure chances... And getting told "it happened once, it can happen again!" doesn't bring me any comfort personally, because, well, what if it... Won't? What if I won't be able to reproduce the circumstances of the previous time it happened, now only further bitter after getting a sense of peace abruptly taken away from me, after getting a taste of it at last?

That clicker approach however, it does seem to hold immense potential in your case!..

As distressing the current anguish of yours is, I hope it can continue to serve as a meaningful piece of puzzle on how to achieve those peace of mind moments again.

Until you've gathered enough for the climate of your mental state to shift to the point anguish is more of an anomaly rather than status quo.

This response was very caring, thank you for taking the time to write it