Venting Trapped for years with someone who keeps s*xually assaulting me and I fucking hate it

[Melancholy Mittens]

Acidentally got black out drunk last night. Woke up in the middle of the night half undressed. Asked the guy I live with and share a bed with about it. For context, I was homeless until I couch surfed here, got black out drunk, and he raped me. He kept me around as an easy fuck because I had no other choice if I wanted a place to stay, then he got me pregnant before he could kick me out. I've been here for seven years. We get along okay half the time but I'm asexual, I didnt like sex before this but after the years of sexual extortion I'm sex repulsed now, I fucking hate it. He's borderline sex obsessed. Well, woke up half undressed and asked him about it. He took advantage of me. I said I didn't believe him because I didn't, and still don't have, ANY MEMORY OF IT. He whips out his phone and shows me a video of him fucking me that he took without my consent. He does that a lot even though I beg him not to. I fucking hate my body and sex, I obviously dont want it on video. I didnt even look conscious. I got upset with him and his response was to give me shit for being so drunk in the first place and make me feel guilty and like I owed him and then he made me have sex with him again even though I felt really sick and said no. I have extremely vivid dreams, theyre so fucking real and last so long and I can't get good rest most of the time because they're so intensive. Last night after all that I dreamt that I hanged myself, full suspension. Went through the whole process, all the steps and emotions and thoughts. I felt the rope on my neck, the same rope I have in the garage. I can't stop thinking about it. Usually when I attempt it's because I know I'm a burden on others, Im codependent and mentally ill as fuck; I know I fucking suck. Fuck it though when I do it it's gonna be for me. I fucking hate it here I can't fucking stand this shit. I just want to feel safe and loved and comfortable and I haven't had that since I was little. "It gets better" my fucking ass.

I hate that that happened and I feel all this shit but I'm not allowed to. The second he gets back from work I have to start pretending like it didn't happen and that I'm fine and that it doesn't matter. I can't get any help with anything from him without him demanding sex in exchange. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I can't work or drive, I don't make money, I don't have in person friends that aren't also his friends, my family is a bunch of homeless, severely mentally ill addicts. I have nowhere else to go. It just fucking sucks.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry I don't know how someone can treat another person so badly. You deserve better.

 

[Can’tbearanything]

Acidentally got black out drunk last night. Woke up in the middle of the night half undressed. Asked the guy I live with and share a bed with about it. For context, I was homeless until I couch surfed here, got black out drunk, and he raped me. He kept me around as an easy fuck because I had no other choice if I wanted a place to stay, then he got me pregnant before he could kick me out. I've been here for seven years. We get along okay half the time but I'm asexual, I didnt like sex before this but after the years of sexual extortion I'm sex repulsed now, I fucking hate it. He's borderline sex obsessed. Well, woke up half undressed and asked him about it. He took advantage of me. I said I didn't believe him because I didn't, and still don't have, ANY MEMORY OF IT. He whips out his phone and shows me a video of him fucking me that he took without my consent. He does that a lot even though I beg him not to. I fucking hate my body and sex, I obviously dont want it on video. I didnt even look conscious. I got upset with him and his response was to give me shit for being so drunk in the first place and make me feel guilty and like I owed him and then he made me have sex with him again even though I felt really sick and said no. I have extremely vivid dreams, theyre so fucking real and last so long and I can't get good rest most of the time because they're so intensive. Last night after all that I dreamt that I hanged myself, full suspension. Went through the whole process, all the steps and emotions and thoughts. I felt the rope on my neck, the same rope I have in the garage. I can't stop thinking about it. Usually when I attempt it's because I know I'm a burden on others, Im codependent and mentally ill as fuck; I know I fucking suck. Fuck it though when I do it it's gonna be for me. I fucking hate it here I can't fucking stand this shit. I just want to feel safe and loved and comfortable and I haven't had that since I was little. "It gets better" my fucking ass.

I hate that that happened and I feel all this shit but I'm not allowed to. The second he gets back from work I have to start pretending like it didn't happen and that I'm fine and that it doesn't matter. I can't get any help with anything from him without him demanding sex in exchange. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I can't work or drive, I don't make money, I don't have in person friends that aren't also his friends, my family is a bunch of homeless, severely mentally ill addicts. I have nowhere else to go. It just fucking sucks.

Just a thought here but have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse or sexual abuse crisis centre for the possibility of going to live in a refuge?

Just a thought here but have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse or sexual abuse crisis centre for the possibility of going to live in a refuge?

I've never tried these myself so I don't know what they're like exactly… or how long they are able to house people for… but you can always call and ask

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

When he's at work, you must find some help. There are places you can go for safety. You can go into a Refuge. You must tell someone what he's doing to you. He won't stop.

You can get away from him, but with help. I've been in abusive situations, I know how frightening it is, it is horrific. The first step is the hardest.

You can do this. Get on searching for help, we don't know where you are or we would also help you.

His phone is full of evidence. He'd get done for it, but right now your safety is a priority. Get out first. You can, you don't need to kill yourself to get away. If that's what you want, wait until you're safe and give yourself some time to adjust first, but give yourself time. These things are so fucking hard.

We're all here for you x

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Are you in the UK? If not pm me what country you're in. I am happy to help you, as someone who experienced DV and escaped, I too was under the control of a sex predator at one point. I know how you feel x

I want to help you. You don't have to go through this I promise.
You may have tried to leave before and it may not have worked but I want to help you. Together we can make it work.

 

[Natanael]

Your situation is critical, I think you should discuss this with the authorities, if you have family members maybe you should talk to them.

You should also look for a shelter, I don't know in which country you are, but maybe there is one available, judging by what you have told me this situation will end up killing you, so I think you should try to do something about it before it is too late.

 

[Melancholy Mittens]

I don't think I could ever bring myself to leave, though. It's all a lot more nuanced than what I talked about before. I think about it a lot but I don't think I could make it anywhere else. I can't work or drive and my mental and physical health is bad, I don't even have a bank account. We live with his parents and his mother sometimes buys things for me. I've been a squatter, I've been homeless. I can't go back to that with a shelter and such, especially with an autistic five year old in desperate need of behavioral therapy. Not to mention my ducks. They're my main sense of routine and responsibility, I love them and I need them. The situation isn't unsafe or anything, he's not physically abusive outside of sexually and while he used to be very verbally abusive before, it's almost like a weird roommate situation now. Things are okay with him a lot of the time. But he has no comprehension of sexual boundaries, even putting me in sexual situations with other people once and ruining the only safe place and irl friendship I had. Every relationship I've been in since I was 14 has been sexually abusive, though. Im autistic and silent bpd and debilitating anxious, it's so fucking easy to guilt me and manipulate me. It doesn't even have to be a forceful assault, just persistent I guess. There's a lot of confusing feelings and guilt around calling something rape when you probably could have fought harder. I mean when I was black out it was literally rape, but ya know. There are some times where I just can't bring myself to do something or I really need help with it and he refuses to agree unless i give him sexual favors in return. Makes it feel like a lot of it is just my fault, I made it happen. I don't know. I think waiting for him to move out or dying are my best two options. It just really fucking sucks. Its not a constant all the time thing, it's just that when I does happen it REALLY fucks me up I can't fucking stand it but I'm completely dependant, I can't leave.

 

[JustAnx]

It sickens me that some people(yeah i know probably 99% are men) are so evil that they would enjoy non consensual sex. I couldn't even get an erection if i wasn't wanted.

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. And i hope you are somehow able to find peace and relief.

 

[Can’tbearanything]

I don't think I could ever bring myself to leave, though. It's all a lot more nuanced than what I talked about before. I think about it a lot but I don't think I could make it anywhere else. I can't work or drive and my mental and physical health is bad, I don't even have a bank account. We live with his parents and his mother sometimes buys things for me. I've been a squatter, I've been homeless. I can't go back to that with a shelter and such, especially with an autistic five year old in desperate need of behavioral therapy. Not to mention my ducks. They're my main sense of routine and responsibility, I love them and I need them. The situation isn't unsafe or anything, he's not physically abusive outside of sexually and while he used to be very verbally abusive before, it's almost like a weird roommate situation now. Things are okay with him a lot of the time. But he has no comprehension of sexual boundaries, even putting me in sexual situations with other people once and ruining the only safe place and irl friendship I had. Every relationship I've been in since I was 14 has been sexually abusive, though. Im autistic and silent bpd and debilitating anxious, it's so fucking easy to guilt me and manipulate me. It doesn't even have to be a forceful assault, just persistent I guess. There's a lot of confusing feelings and guilt around calling something rape when you probably could have fought harder. I mean when I was black out it was literally rape, but ya know. There are some times where I just can't bring myself to do something or I really need help with it and he refuses to agree unless i give him sexual favors in return. Makes it feel like a lot of it is just my fault, I made it happen. I don't know. I think waiting for him to move out or dying are my best two options. It just really fucking sucks. Its not a constant all the time thing, it's just that when I does happen it REALLY fucks me up I can't fucking stand it but I'm completely dependant, I can't leave.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I really wish you all the best.

You know you can always come on here and we'll listen as best we can.

I don't want to insist too much on the leaving thing, if you don't want to contemplate it right now… but I'm just having this thought of whether you could apply and live on disability benefits? If a refuge took you in and helped you find a home?

Sorry will not carry on going on about that if you don't want me to… I'm thinking about this right now and what might be possible or not. But obviously it is ultimately your choice at the end of the day what you choose to do.

 

[everydaythesame]

Find the strength to leave the prick. There are many people out there who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. When he goes to work, grab what you can and go, never look back.

 

[Leiot]

I have a real short fuse on rape. Someone who would forceably take someone deserves lead poisioning in the head.

 

[MidXp124]

Rappers deserve to be killed in the slowest, most painfully and bloodiest way possible, the satisfaction knowing that one worthless piece of trash is gone is really nice.

Also I'm so sorry for your situation

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

I don't think I could ever bring myself to leave, though. It's all a lot more nuanced than what I talked about before. I think about it a lot but I don't think I could make it anywhere else. I can't work or drive and my mental and physical health is bad, I don't even have a bank account. We live with his parents and his mother sometimes buys things for me. I've been a squatter, I've been homeless. I can't go back to that with a shelter and such, especially with an autistic five year old in desperate need of behavioral therapy. Not to mention my ducks. They're my main sense of routine and responsibility, I love them and I need them. The situation isn't unsafe or anything, he's not physically abusive outside of sexually and while he used to be very verbally abusive before, it's almost like a weird roommate situation now. Things are okay with him a lot of the time. But he has no comprehension of sexual boundaries, even putting me in sexual situations with other people once and ruining the only safe place and irl friendship I had. Every relationship I've been in since I was 14 has been sexually abusive, though. Im autistic and silent bpd and debilitating anxious, it's so fucking easy to guilt me and manipulate me. It doesn't even have to be a forceful assault, just persistent I guess. There's a lot of confusing feelings and guilt around calling something rape when you probably could have fought harder. I mean when I was black out it was literally rape, but ya know. There are some times where I just can't bring myself to do something or I really need help with it and he refuses to agree unless i give him sexual favors in return. Makes it feel like a lot of it is just my fault, I made it happen. I don't know. I think waiting for him to move out or dying are my best two options. It just really fucking sucks. Its not a constant all the time thing, it's just that when I does happen it REALLY fucks me up I can't fucking stand it but I'm completely dependant, I can't leave.

Do you want to do this for the rest of your life? There are two possible endings to this "relationship". You will eventually get brave enough to go to social services, another shelter, or the authorities so you can find assistance out of that situation. Or he's going to decide it's not worth his time anymore and he will just kick you out. This is not a healthy relationship.

You are allowing yourself to be dependent because it is easy. If you were okay with the way things are, you would not have posted about it. You can leave. You just have to decide that you really want to have a better life. You have to decide that you deserve better (you do).

 

[Can’tbearanything]

Hey… just wanted to say… since there are a lot of comments on here saying you should leave…

If you do decide to go in that direction it might be a good idea to call a helpline first… rather than just legging it…. They should have folk who are actually trained in this who can help you figure out a plan and a way to leave as safely as possible.
How are you holding up? We haven't heard from you in a while.

 

[AuroraB]

Understand that you feel you can't leave or don't want to leave. I'm concerned about your kid. You wrote: "especially with an autistic five year old in desperate need of behavioral therapy." Is your child in school? Because if your child is in school in the USA, services are available via public school districts, special ed classes, and IEPs.

 

[Can’tbearanything]

I think it's helpful for us to keep in mind that it can genuinely very complicated for people to leave situations of abuse…

So let's be gentle maybe in terms of laying on pressure to leave? I'm not saying people's concerns aren't valid just please remember to be careful about just piling on that pressure bc I think, based on things I've read, that sometimes that can make situations of abuse more dangerous.