RULE8AM
Hermetic era
- Dec 11, 2024
- 11
This whole experience of actually planning ctb & not just fantasizing about it is isolating (IRL) & i hate to be so dramatic, but kinda traumatizing, no?
The first 7 days of December left me disoriented after 2 of my mothers brothers died within 5 days of each other. 1 died in the US the other died in Brazil after being in a coma for 5 days. Anyway, between that sick coincidence & knowing i was >this close< ctb on Christmas Eve whenever i looked at my mother i'd get dizzy… i had to cancel my suicide tourism trip.
Despite whatever my mother has done in my childhood that gave me trauma & made me hate her, i've stressed her out immensely this year w/ my mental health decline & when/if i pass away before her she will most likely lose her mind.
I'm kinda already dead to her, but the thought of her physically losing me to suicide makes her weep.
Before i was born her 11 y/o daughter died. She's permanently broken from that & as her only living child i hate that there is a high possibility she'll lose both of her children & its so much pressure to stay alive for that reason alone even though my quality of life is shitty in many ways than it is not ugh
Imagining what could happen after i ctb thinking about what my mother will do when she finds out & just envisioning family members crying brings down my morale during good days
Even though it's a literal dream of mine to die on my own terms i'm over these intense visions, thoughts, & feelings.
Regardless i'm ecstatic for the SN to be delivered
The first 7 days of December left me disoriented after 2 of my mothers brothers died within 5 days of each other. 1 died in the US the other died in Brazil after being in a coma for 5 days. Anyway, between that sick coincidence & knowing i was >this close< ctb on Christmas Eve whenever i looked at my mother i'd get dizzy… i had to cancel my suicide tourism trip.
Despite whatever my mother has done in my childhood that gave me trauma & made me hate her, i've stressed her out immensely this year w/ my mental health decline & when/if i pass away before her she will most likely lose her mind.
I'm kinda already dead to her, but the thought of her physically losing me to suicide makes her weep.
Before i was born her 11 y/o daughter died. She's permanently broken from that & as her only living child i hate that there is a high possibility she'll lose both of her children & its so much pressure to stay alive for that reason alone even though my quality of life is shitty in many ways than it is not ugh
Imagining what could happen after i ctb thinking about what my mother will do when she finds out & just envisioning family members crying brings down my morale during good days
Even though it's a literal dream of mine to die on my own terms i'm over these intense visions, thoughts, & feelings.
Regardless i'm ecstatic for the SN to be delivered
