LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
I want to leave a thank you, to those long out of my life.
Those that drew me out of the cold, murderous isolation.
The very same that is now seeking to claim my life once more.
The very same that left me paranoid, dysfunctional, incomprehensible.
The lack of social bond which I curse, I charge with the destruction of me.
Those that drew me out of the cold, murderous isolation.
The very same that is now seeking to claim my life once more.
The very same that left me paranoid, dysfunctional, incomprehensible.
The lack of social bond which I curse, I charge with the destruction of me.
It was once upon a time, when a young girl was born into a world she did not recognize.
A body she did not with identify.
As soon as she could process, these truths were open wide to her.
Yet there was no respite for her. Knowledge did not bring the light to her.
The little girl just knew - reveal her secret, and there will be no more life for her.
Put on your heart a lock, throw away the key in fear.
Hidden deep inside, this truth was almost like a blight to her.
Once the 8th candle lit, falling out the window could have happened in a split.
Curse it, curse the world, that offers you no freedom.
But there is no target for the curse. Curse yourself, hurt yourself. burden yourself, for there is no one.
There is no one to help. There is no one to blame. It is all just you, the room, and the ever-looming window.
Hide yourself, while secretly biting yourself. Any time it leaks, the surface bleeds, the outside peeks, punishment awaits.
Another window shown to you, this time not your own.
No control over this you have, the only way to survive is to renounce your self, loudly bite your self, the true essence of your self.
If luck is on your side, returning back to your own window is all you have to do and hide.
The years pass on, indifferently. Clock 15, almost 16 - the bubble bursts.
Fearing death no longer keeps you down, "I'd rather die than eternally frown" you proudly pronounce, shattering the lock forever.
In 15 years gone by it's here, your only friend long dear and near - the internet.
"I want to be a girl" rings your confession, after one and a half decades of privacy obsession.
The information she always needed to hear, a charity from a distant land brings her - Mermaids... what beautiful creatures.
Hormones, blockers, surgeries exist! Elation rises, as congruent living was long thought a dream.
As this was within the realms of medication, the rational step was doctor visitation.
"I think I want to be a girl" - "I figured you would say that", peeking with me sheepishly at my new light pink shoes.
To see a different doctor, the recommendation.
Psychiatry, to her confusion? She's never met with those, not needed to.
Needed urgently, the hormone medication. For time was long indifferent, too much of it already gone.
Ignore the warning bells, trust to the professional.
2 days past the 16th, it is now time. Will honest living finally be mine?
The doctor sits, I present my issue. For the first time, an honest moment.
The lock is off, no armor of privacy, no cloak of secrecy. Only a naked air of vulnerability.
With less tact hardly of concept to her, the psychiatrist pries into the deepest spots, a verbal dagger shown and promptly plopped, the heart of its dignity forever robbed.
What sex, I am not speaking of. No, for men I do not play the cloth. Merely 16 now, never kissed less hugged.
Sheer confusion, disorientation, begins to arise. Involvement of "family" the professional decries.
Visions back to the window without control, this situation will not make you whole!
Where to go? You are not safe! Without a hint of soul, in your darkest moment down and low, the professional lays down, a "voluntary" slip for your perusal.
You can go of "your" accord, to this hospital, where you'll be caught.
Hospital? When the body, it was sick - a pain in your heart spiked, with kind friendliness for you they fight - within the same year, this memory is still near.
Is this where it is safe? Perhaps from everywhere? The professional, the family, the unaccepting wider world.
No worse could this deception be, coercion in your most fear-filled state.
A lock-up, what it is. Discarding of the undesired, be it those whose minds on fire, or their way of life not one of a complier.
Do not wear the clothing for the girls, until you beg in protest, refuse to move.
Your request for help- medication - put forth directly, no room for error or misunderstanding, yet the responses remain opaque.
Professionals are not your friends, except they will not tell you so. You ask if they cannot help, this too they will not tell.
Time, time, time. Pass more time. All about doing more time.
Limited schedule, limited movement, limited life. There is not food enough, but speak out, the punishments are candidly displayed.
No longer in your school, no longer in your home.
No answers come, it's all you call for.
What am I even here for?
3 months pass, no solutions are tasked, you cannot hold. Please let me go, I cannot hold. My sanity no longer holds.
Once you protest well enough, release comes to you soon enough.
But never was it all the same.
Your heart no longer sings the same. Once shy, reserved, and tame.
Now in a constant state of fear. My death, any moment, shall now be near.
In spaces not for me to leave, I can no longer sit and breathe.
Where is it safe, oh no. There is no space where I can go.
Your school you barely attend, maybe once a week and your mind goes blank.
I can't sit down, I can't sit down, I can't sit in a room I cannot leave!
No longer will you enroll there, or, for the rest of your life, anywhere in fact. There is no education left, only a dark room without heart theft.
The blinds turn down, the sunlight blocked. The door is locked, it is the same.
In your heart no longer flame, the image of captivity has never left.
At least this form you can control, the captor's role is yours to follow, the key is now in your own hands.
2 years pass, your soul is gone. The reserved shy girl has long since died.
No more of the professionals, no matter whom you instill trust, the answer always stays the same.
In fact, it is now delivered clearer, a spiteful no, you are the one to blame.
"Your wish is not sincere enough."
One psychiatrist, gazes upon your lifeless corpse. 23 months after the first.
In an isolated act, an act of mercy.
Greenlight your hormones, your medication you will see. Without breaking the law, without ever doing so - you had long sworn not to hurt a soul.
However this, recognition you will not have. Name and gender we refuse.
Your education is long over. Protection for employment won't be there.
What social life can you even now bear? Is there anything for you here - in Germany - or anywhere?
I cannot live like this for long. Thoughts turn back to your own window.
Now to produce a dagger of my own, this time a real knife.
Tape it to a table, run to take your life. But it will not cut, it will not stab.
Unlike the first psychiatrist, it's edges do not pierce.
But very much like her, it lands you back in the cage.
A prison for the undesirables, those we do not want to see.
Out of sight, out of mind.
More hellish even than the first. Stay locked up, and your mind will burst.
Only 2 weeks does it take, for you to protest all your hate.
Speak like a snake, fool who you can - release is yours, it's all you need.
A body she did not with identify.
As soon as she could process, these truths were open wide to her.
Yet there was no respite for her. Knowledge did not bring the light to her.
The little girl just knew - reveal her secret, and there will be no more life for her.
Put on your heart a lock, throw away the key in fear.
Hidden deep inside, this truth was almost like a blight to her.
Once the 8th candle lit, falling out the window could have happened in a split.
Curse it, curse the world, that offers you no freedom.
But there is no target for the curse. Curse yourself, hurt yourself. burden yourself, for there is no one.
There is no one to help. There is no one to blame. It is all just you, the room, and the ever-looming window.
Hide yourself, while secretly biting yourself. Any time it leaks, the surface bleeds, the outside peeks, punishment awaits.
Another window shown to you, this time not your own.
No control over this you have, the only way to survive is to renounce your self, loudly bite your self, the true essence of your self.
If luck is on your side, returning back to your own window is all you have to do and hide.
The years pass on, indifferently. Clock 15, almost 16 - the bubble bursts.
Fearing death no longer keeps you down, "I'd rather die than eternally frown" you proudly pronounce, shattering the lock forever.
In 15 years gone by it's here, your only friend long dear and near - the internet.
"I want to be a girl" rings your confession, after one and a half decades of privacy obsession.
The information she always needed to hear, a charity from a distant land brings her - Mermaids... what beautiful creatures.
Hormones, blockers, surgeries exist! Elation rises, as congruent living was long thought a dream.
As this was within the realms of medication, the rational step was doctor visitation.
"I think I want to be a girl" - "I figured you would say that", peeking with me sheepishly at my new light pink shoes.
To see a different doctor, the recommendation.
Psychiatry, to her confusion? She's never met with those, not needed to.
Needed urgently, the hormone medication. For time was long indifferent, too much of it already gone.
Ignore the warning bells, trust to the professional.
2 days past the 16th, it is now time. Will honest living finally be mine?
The doctor sits, I present my issue. For the first time, an honest moment.
The lock is off, no armor of privacy, no cloak of secrecy. Only a naked air of vulnerability.
With less tact hardly of concept to her, the psychiatrist pries into the deepest spots, a verbal dagger shown and promptly plopped, the heart of its dignity forever robbed.
What sex, I am not speaking of. No, for men I do not play the cloth. Merely 16 now, never kissed less hugged.
Sheer confusion, disorientation, begins to arise. Involvement of "family" the professional decries.
Visions back to the window without control, this situation will not make you whole!
Where to go? You are not safe! Without a hint of soul, in your darkest moment down and low, the professional lays down, a "voluntary" slip for your perusal.
You can go of "your" accord, to this hospital, where you'll be caught.
Hospital? When the body, it was sick - a pain in your heart spiked, with kind friendliness for you they fight - within the same year, this memory is still near.
Is this where it is safe? Perhaps from everywhere? The professional, the family, the unaccepting wider world.
No worse could this deception be, coercion in your most fear-filled state.
A lock-up, what it is. Discarding of the undesired, be it those whose minds on fire, or their way of life not one of a complier.
Do not wear the clothing for the girls, until you beg in protest, refuse to move.
Your request for help- medication - put forth directly, no room for error or misunderstanding, yet the responses remain opaque.
Professionals are not your friends, except they will not tell you so. You ask if they cannot help, this too they will not tell.
Time, time, time. Pass more time. All about doing more time.
Limited schedule, limited movement, limited life. There is not food enough, but speak out, the punishments are candidly displayed.
No longer in your school, no longer in your home.
No answers come, it's all you call for.
What am I even here for?
3 months pass, no solutions are tasked, you cannot hold. Please let me go, I cannot hold. My sanity no longer holds.
Once you protest well enough, release comes to you soon enough.
But never was it all the same.
Your heart no longer sings the same. Once shy, reserved, and tame.
Now in a constant state of fear. My death, any moment, shall now be near.
In spaces not for me to leave, I can no longer sit and breathe.
Where is it safe, oh no. There is no space where I can go.
Your school you barely attend, maybe once a week and your mind goes blank.
I can't sit down, I can't sit down, I can't sit in a room I cannot leave!
No longer will you enroll there, or, for the rest of your life, anywhere in fact. There is no education left, only a dark room without heart theft.
The blinds turn down, the sunlight blocked. The door is locked, it is the same.
In your heart no longer flame, the image of captivity has never left.
At least this form you can control, the captor's role is yours to follow, the key is now in your own hands.
2 years pass, your soul is gone. The reserved shy girl has long since died.
No more of the professionals, no matter whom you instill trust, the answer always stays the same.
In fact, it is now delivered clearer, a spiteful no, you are the one to blame.
"Your wish is not sincere enough."
One psychiatrist, gazes upon your lifeless corpse. 23 months after the first.
In an isolated act, an act of mercy.
Greenlight your hormones, your medication you will see. Without breaking the law, without ever doing so - you had long sworn not to hurt a soul.
However this, recognition you will not have. Name and gender we refuse.
Your education is long over. Protection for employment won't be there.
What social life can you even now bear? Is there anything for you here - in Germany - or anywhere?
I cannot live like this for long. Thoughts turn back to your own window.
Now to produce a dagger of my own, this time a real knife.
Tape it to a table, run to take your life. But it will not cut, it will not stab.
Unlike the first psychiatrist, it's edges do not pierce.
But very much like her, it lands you back in the cage.
A prison for the undesirables, those we do not want to see.
Out of sight, out of mind.
More hellish even than the first. Stay locked up, and your mind will burst.
Only 2 weeks does it take, for you to protest all your hate.
Speak like a snake, fool who you can - release is yours, it's all you need.
Where now, what do you do? A better window may be all that's left for you.
From one of the groups of peers, that you cannot connect, a tip is levied, one that will protect.
An American tells you, to seek a space named reddit.
The internet, your only friend.
It will now bring your first real friends!
First you seek the SuicideWatch - then you peek in there a fellow peer, from there you find a community of what seems to appear, your peers, fellow trans people, sharing what are memes, a humorous meta summary of common experience.
For the first time, you feel heard. These people think like you they do, it is no longer just you.
Not least, not even 3 days. Just right after, another space.
A post pops up, Discord you now hear of - one server for those like you. A space filled with the same.
No shame, no blame. Your final courage you now grasp, to speak in your scared mind is a difficult task.
But here you are not met with anger. Compassion reigns supreme, do not meander.
Speak, speak, speak. Your new friends are now with you, the real you, in your little screen all blue.
Turn it off, your soul breaks down. Be with them at all times, or you fear, the window will take you, it's near.
Sustainable is hardly right, a temporary relief provide it might. People do move on, the longer a community stays together, beefs and drama will emerge.
One member's poignant advice you overhear. "Be quick to move it into real life, or it will fizzle", yeah, you're right.
Your only hope is to meet up. Stay alone until the chance splits up, and you will die.
If only before then, a friend in person you could find. Have a good time, just once.
Meet someone as the real you, just once. Before you pass... Your only wish.
Please let me live, I don't care how short. Just let me live for one brief moment, pass after seeing the outdoors, escape this rejecting prison of yours.
To the prison I briefly do return. I did not utter a thought, I did not mention any hurt. For a physical problem, I did emerge.
The professionals do not show mercy.
My hormones confiscated, and drawn away from my new world of friends.
Be a snake, oh once again. Tell them anything you can. Protest and you might get out.
Hours pass, and you freak the fuck out. Indefinite, how long is this?
A doctor you manage to see, and take the piss. She buys whatever you sold, thank god. Take your hormones and flee, no, no, dear god.
It was only brief detention.
But now you are even further filled with fear. Long gone are the days of kindness, if your heart feels spiky, a trip to prison might be likely.
Oh, I think I should explain. With a hole in my heart, born in a special heart clinic, I came, into this world.
The spiky aches are long since over, as I was explained, the hole grew over.
After this, what can you do. Friends do not understand, their experiences a different shade of blue.
Most of the server came, from America and the anglosphere. Australia, UK, some Canada.
No, I may not simply work. I do not have the education or protection to - and money I would not earn, for the rest of the household they would draw from.
I'm stuck, I ask if I can move. No, you cannot move, drawn to your "family" you are.
Who cares if there are cases, where you would be the safest, to be away.
It really is quite simple now. You do not want to return to the prison a fourth.
Death is the safety for you. But maybe, just maybe. Keep speaking, maybe you can meet. With your meager resources, maybe.
Just one person, before you drop like a house fly.
Some attempts you take, it is futile. The window calls, this time, a bag over your head you've fastened.
Only in the final moments of panic, it is taken off. I can't go much longer, a future for me there is not...
Hope had become the bleakest, of your new friends, the one who was the most reserved, she calls you for the first time.
The only words that both of you can mutter, are cries and tears together.
She offers you a proposition - why not come here, just a little bit, why not come here, do some nice things together?
Her family accepts, and you do too. On that day your only food, a single yellow pepper.
But after you sleep, you've never felt better.
Plan, plan, plan. Sell what you can, a round-trip ticket is all you need. 3 months - they will host you.
Many of your new friends had even met with her - in this same area they were.
There may even be one person, someone else to meet just south of there.
Against your sheepest fears, a visa is approved. 15 hours trip to the Consulate, your socks and shoes turned into soot.
No water, food, or electronics. Just a train ticket and printed map. Primitive compared to now, but it could not have been more satisfying.
As broken as your body and heart were, a light was in your eyes now shining.
The day comes, not many weeks after. Your first flight you can remember, over 8 hours by itself.
More free you have never felt, in New York your plane now held.
The officer is satisfied, you may arrive. Only 18 was I, excited, nervous, shy.
Once you take the second flight, to your true destination in mind, what you find is not what you expected.
Not just a kind friend to hang out. An entire family that embraces you, in and out.
They give you your first birthday party, you cannot comprehend.
Why are they nice, I'm so unkempt. I can't express how grateful I am.
During your stay, your medication runs out. A doctor found comes very quickly - prescribing more is completely fine, even not from here.
No question if you're truly "sincere". You are a woman.
What world have I landed in here, where there is no need to cower in fear?
On top of this, another friend. A little cat, a tabby cat. Oh, but not little - 19 years she was, older than you!
Before this time a fear you held, of large animals unkempt. Everywhere that you did go, a giant dog would chase you.
It will not hurt you, they always say. How can I know, they will not say.
The cats you'd seen are much like you, out of windows they jumped.
But Tabby doesn't hold these views. She does not jump, she does not hurt.
All she wants is pets and purrs. Feed her, give her water, and she will love you.
Meow all day and night all loud. Rush down the stairs excited, all proud.
A lovely friend, the fear is gone... Cats are now my favorite thing, to this day still my name remains in her honor, "Kitty" for most spaces, in many different ways.
It's a shame this trip will be so short, but no, more miracles are in store.
The other friend, you did not meet.
But the reserved friend and you, your chemistry is strong.
It is unlike anything you've ever seen, don't get it wrong.
Both of you are nerds, your bond is strong.
In spite of you just coming here, the new family welcomes you dear.
A lawyer you consult on the matter, and you find yourself in luck to the letter - stay you can indeed, for the bond that formed is all you need.
The friends from the server, congegrate in an occasion your mind deems unheard of.
To celebrate with you, your entrance into a family and life anew.
Once your Registration finalized, in just two weeks it does arrive - a recognition of your name and gender, no professionals had to take a gander.
You were now safe, resettled here. With a loving space and nothing to fear. In the United States is your new home - you may be queer!
Oh, how much I love you dear. I wish I could have shown more clear.
My promises left unkept, for those that saved me there is little silver lining here.
There is nothing to gain now from regret, but cherish our connection, I will forever.
It does not last, we could not hold. Onto the ring we could not hold.
My closest friend you were still, it will be told.
Had these miracles not come to be, I would have returned as planned for me, to the place of hell, an endless hell.
To find my next window, as soon as I could. Keep the memories fresh, as long as I could.
For one little spot of 3 months, I would have been safe and free - not imprisoned like in the past.
There was soon another space, one I found just like the first, by strange occasion.
You see, my new partner became Admin of the server, one eventually with partnered status (it is no longer around, in its entirety).
I glance once at her screen, and find within its sheen, the Admin of another server, for an old Card Game, one whose play was one of few to keep me somewhat sane.
This space still stands until the present day, filled my years within the States with friends.
Some of which I got to meet, to make sweet memories I'll need now since it's over.
The dazzling times are all now over, but I have lost my fears. My most potent window out may soon be near.
But thanks to all these years held dear, I cherish you and will not fear.
I can pass the world in clear acceptance, that for all the hell it put me through.
4 years of solace did come to.
From one of the groups of peers, that you cannot connect, a tip is levied, one that will protect.
An American tells you, to seek a space named reddit.
The internet, your only friend.
It will now bring your first real friends!
First you seek the SuicideWatch - then you peek in there a fellow peer, from there you find a community of what seems to appear, your peers, fellow trans people, sharing what are memes, a humorous meta summary of common experience.
For the first time, you feel heard. These people think like you they do, it is no longer just you.
Not least, not even 3 days. Just right after, another space.
A post pops up, Discord you now hear of - one server for those like you. A space filled with the same.
No shame, no blame. Your final courage you now grasp, to speak in your scared mind is a difficult task.
But here you are not met with anger. Compassion reigns supreme, do not meander.
Speak, speak, speak. Your new friends are now with you, the real you, in your little screen all blue.
Turn it off, your soul breaks down. Be with them at all times, or you fear, the window will take you, it's near.
Sustainable is hardly right, a temporary relief provide it might. People do move on, the longer a community stays together, beefs and drama will emerge.
One member's poignant advice you overhear. "Be quick to move it into real life, or it will fizzle", yeah, you're right.
Your only hope is to meet up. Stay alone until the chance splits up, and you will die.
If only before then, a friend in person you could find. Have a good time, just once.
Meet someone as the real you, just once. Before you pass... Your only wish.
Please let me live, I don't care how short. Just let me live for one brief moment, pass after seeing the outdoors, escape this rejecting prison of yours.
To the prison I briefly do return. I did not utter a thought, I did not mention any hurt. For a physical problem, I did emerge.
The professionals do not show mercy.
My hormones confiscated, and drawn away from my new world of friends.
Be a snake, oh once again. Tell them anything you can. Protest and you might get out.
Hours pass, and you freak the fuck out. Indefinite, how long is this?
A doctor you manage to see, and take the piss. She buys whatever you sold, thank god. Take your hormones and flee, no, no, dear god.
It was only brief detention.
But now you are even further filled with fear. Long gone are the days of kindness, if your heart feels spiky, a trip to prison might be likely.
Oh, I think I should explain. With a hole in my heart, born in a special heart clinic, I came, into this world.
The spiky aches are long since over, as I was explained, the hole grew over.
After this, what can you do. Friends do not understand, their experiences a different shade of blue.
Most of the server came, from America and the anglosphere. Australia, UK, some Canada.
No, I may not simply work. I do not have the education or protection to - and money I would not earn, for the rest of the household they would draw from.
I'm stuck, I ask if I can move. No, you cannot move, drawn to your "family" you are.
Who cares if there are cases, where you would be the safest, to be away.
It really is quite simple now. You do not want to return to the prison a fourth.
Death is the safety for you. But maybe, just maybe. Keep speaking, maybe you can meet. With your meager resources, maybe.
Just one person, before you drop like a house fly.
Some attempts you take, it is futile. The window calls, this time, a bag over your head you've fastened.
Only in the final moments of panic, it is taken off. I can't go much longer, a future for me there is not...
Hope had become the bleakest, of your new friends, the one who was the most reserved, she calls you for the first time.
The only words that both of you can mutter, are cries and tears together.
She offers you a proposition - why not come here, just a little bit, why not come here, do some nice things together?
Her family accepts, and you do too. On that day your only food, a single yellow pepper.
But after you sleep, you've never felt better.
Plan, plan, plan. Sell what you can, a round-trip ticket is all you need. 3 months - they will host you.
Many of your new friends had even met with her - in this same area they were.
There may even be one person, someone else to meet just south of there.
Against your sheepest fears, a visa is approved. 15 hours trip to the Consulate, your socks and shoes turned into soot.
No water, food, or electronics. Just a train ticket and printed map. Primitive compared to now, but it could not have been more satisfying.
As broken as your body and heart were, a light was in your eyes now shining.
The day comes, not many weeks after. Your first flight you can remember, over 8 hours by itself.
More free you have never felt, in New York your plane now held.
The officer is satisfied, you may arrive. Only 18 was I, excited, nervous, shy.
Once you take the second flight, to your true destination in mind, what you find is not what you expected.
Not just a kind friend to hang out. An entire family that embraces you, in and out.
They give you your first birthday party, you cannot comprehend.
Why are they nice, I'm so unkempt. I can't express how grateful I am.
During your stay, your medication runs out. A doctor found comes very quickly - prescribing more is completely fine, even not from here.
No question if you're truly "sincere". You are a woman.
What world have I landed in here, where there is no need to cower in fear?
On top of this, another friend. A little cat, a tabby cat. Oh, but not little - 19 years she was, older than you!
Before this time a fear you held, of large animals unkempt. Everywhere that you did go, a giant dog would chase you.
It will not hurt you, they always say. How can I know, they will not say.
The cats you'd seen are much like you, out of windows they jumped.
But Tabby doesn't hold these views. She does not jump, she does not hurt.
All she wants is pets and purrs. Feed her, give her water, and she will love you.
Meow all day and night all loud. Rush down the stairs excited, all proud.
A lovely friend, the fear is gone... Cats are now my favorite thing, to this day still my name remains in her honor, "Kitty" for most spaces, in many different ways.
It's a shame this trip will be so short, but no, more miracles are in store.
The other friend, you did not meet.
But the reserved friend and you, your chemistry is strong.
It is unlike anything you've ever seen, don't get it wrong.
Both of you are nerds, your bond is strong.
In spite of you just coming here, the new family welcomes you dear.
A lawyer you consult on the matter, and you find yourself in luck to the letter - stay you can indeed, for the bond that formed is all you need.
The friends from the server, congegrate in an occasion your mind deems unheard of.
To celebrate with you, your entrance into a family and life anew.
Once your Registration finalized, in just two weeks it does arrive - a recognition of your name and gender, no professionals had to take a gander.
You were now safe, resettled here. With a loving space and nothing to fear. In the United States is your new home - you may be queer!
Oh, how much I love you dear. I wish I could have shown more clear.
My promises left unkept, for those that saved me there is little silver lining here.
There is nothing to gain now from regret, but cherish our connection, I will forever.
It does not last, we could not hold. Onto the ring we could not hold.
My closest friend you were still, it will be told.
Had these miracles not come to be, I would have returned as planned for me, to the place of hell, an endless hell.
To find my next window, as soon as I could. Keep the memories fresh, as long as I could.
For one little spot of 3 months, I would have been safe and free - not imprisoned like in the past.
There was soon another space, one I found just like the first, by strange occasion.
You see, my new partner became Admin of the server, one eventually with partnered status (it is no longer around, in its entirety).
I glance once at her screen, and find within its sheen, the Admin of another server, for an old Card Game, one whose play was one of few to keep me somewhat sane.
This space still stands until the present day, filled my years within the States with friends.
Some of which I got to meet, to make sweet memories I'll need now since it's over.
The dazzling times are all now over, but I have lost my fears. My most potent window out may soon be near.
But thanks to all these years held dear, I cherish you and will not fear.
I can pass the world in clear acceptance, that for all the hell it put me through.
4 years of solace did come to.
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