Story Trying... but overwhelmed.

[LivingANDDying26]

I'm gonna post here in the recovery section like daily or so to like keep myself together and also keep some of the stress of hearing about it from my friends.

I have a lot of health issues that really impact my ability to live in general but really impact my ability to live well.

CPTSD, eating disorders, extreme anxiety and an undiagnosed sleeping disorder.

My friends want to help pull together some resources for me which while I find really helpful hmm I'm kinda... not hopeful of them finding anything that I dont know about or anything that I can afford alone. My family can't help me much with financial stuff. Little here and there but it mostly goes to food/groceries.

I usually send my friend a morning messages and usually it's just my thoughts and stuff something she's says she enjoys but even the quality of those have gone down and I just feel like such a burden. Even if I die then I leave another burden. So I'm a burden either way and in my view the only way to not be a burden is to be able to contribute in a meaningful way and that means wellness.

I have been told several times by all of em that I am not a burden but I've spent my whole life as one so its not so easy to change the mindset.


I've never been able to feel compassion for myself bc of my upbringing and being the scapegoat of my family and stuff like that. But these days I do feel it a lot. I always frame it as self pity but I'm starting to recognize it as self compassion. It usually makes me cry so it's taken awhile to realize it isn't just self pity.

Anyway I realized through my messages that my health is getting really bad again. Im trying to eat but its mostly once a day. Last yr I worked really hard so that I could not only eat more than once a day but I could cook again.

That's all deteriorated in like 2 months . When I stand I have to give myself up to a minute just standing still so I don't faint. When I do my makeup which takes like an hour, I have to take quite a few sitting breaks. So I'm worried about myself.



I have too many issues to deal with alone. That I know but I don't even want to be me or be dealing with them so I dunno why anyone else would. Getting enough variety of supports to deal with it all would be like... really expensive so...


My friend offered to help but... I dunno. She's well off financially but I worry as I am now... that it will somehow ruin our friendship.


I feel broken. I have spent my whole life living from just pure will even when I had no food and stuff but I can't seem to do that anymore. Im crying as I am writing this bc... it makes me sad. Sad that I ever had to live such a life and sad that I can no longer will myself to be able.


This is trauma healing. I'm not as depressed or have as much of a death wish as I did like a few days ago but I still feel hopeless. I do have goals and wants in life but they feel impossible rn.


Like I get not thinking too far ahead and just focusing on the right now/near future but thats likee the thing. Right now/near future the focus needs to be my mental and physical health and I dont see much hope with that either so


Realistically I know a lot of people never really get to wellness or like a lot of people on disability like myself just live with bare minimum but barly surviving so... there's no guarantee I'll ever be well enough for anything.

I want a life. I want to go to school. I want more relationships and I eventually wanted kids but.... maybe I won't even make it outta my 20's. Who knows.

Im not like 100% outta depression or anything but I'm coming out of the suicidality part and having to face life head on and it's feeling very hopeless.


Wanting life isnt the same as being able to have one but alas.


That's just the things on my mind this morning. Im going to go do my makeup now and keep it movin this morning. Might just only end up eating and then heading back to bed but my energy is limited and im accepting of that right now.

Tempted to just go back to bed right now but I'm gonna at least try in that way. In the little bit I can do right now.

 

[guayabas]

I've been on disability for 10 yrs and it is really hard but I still learn about resources I never knew about. If you're in the US I can send you some links. I have accepted help from friends before and I don't think it'll hurt your friendship if you both set good boundaries. Like maybe have a check in every 3 months if they wanna help you a certain amount each month. If you're in the US, I know the specific rules that have to be followed to not get in trouble for getting outside help. You can pm me if you want more details. I think your friend would much rather help you than lose you to ctb, they sound like they care about you a lot. I'm happy you have supportive ppl in your life, it goes a long way with recovery <3

 

[Galileo3630]

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed. It's understandable that you feel like a burden, given all that you're dealing with, but please know that you're not. Your friends want to help because they care about you, and there is no shame in accepting help when you need it.
It's also understandable that you're feeling sad and hopeless right now. It can be challenging to stay positive when you're dealing with so many health issues. However, it's important to remember that healing is a process, and it can take time. It's okay to take things one day at a time and focus on your immediate needs.
It's important to take care of yourself in the moment, as you mentioned. This may mean taking breaks when you need them or practicing self-care activities that help you feel more grounded and calm.