uniqueusername4
died a long time ago
- Aug 13, 2023
- 199
Forgive this long story, I am having an extra tough time today. I have had several suicide attempts in the past. I used to try with pills a lot before I found lostallhope and then this website that shows that pills are ineffective and there are much better methods. Before I found this website I was so desperate, I was even snorting opoids trying to die and that is something I had never done recreationally. The most I do for fun is weed, not judging anyone else cause I'm definitely addicted to weed, but just to clarify, I dont do hard drugs recreationally and I was going to these lengths before. Obviously those attempts didn't work. I would've loved to have done a peaceful gas method or something like N but gas is so technical that I fear I will fuck it up or get interrupted and just have brain damage. N is impossible to get to the US. So I have settled on using SN with the antiemetic and benzos. I currently have the SN and antiemetic but don't have the benzos yet. I think I've figured out a way to order them using the darkweb but I dont usually carry cryptocurrency so I am waiting on my bitcoin to process (can take 3-5 days, did it on Saturday) so I can make it into XMR and then buy what I need. The shipping should be pretty quick, I've seen most of them say 3-5 days. That means that most likely I only have to wait 10 days max to get everything and Friday the 13th would be a good date to attempt because it is a weekend and my birthday is a couple weeks after that and I really would like to be gone before my birthday. With all of that being said, I am having the hardest time waiting til the benzos get here. I am fasting today just in case I don't feel like waiting. I know that I deserve the most peaceful death that I have access to but it is so fucking hard to wait. Usually (as in during the time prior to my past attempts) I feel at peace and elated that I have a method and I am hoping for peace soon but right now I am just antsy as fuck and want to escape immediately. I wrote myself a note on my phone trying to remind myself that I deserve the most peaceful death possible and that I need to try to hang on for that.
It has been extra hard this time around because I stupidly adopted a cat at a point when I thought I was not going to backslide (I have a terminal illness, I shouldn't have done that but whats done is done) and I wanted to find a good home for her before I pass. I'd prefer she goes to someone I know. She is the cutest and sweetest cat I've ever me, no bias. I was feeling really guilty about leaving her behind so I decided to reach out to my friend (of which I only have two, I have a really hard time with relationships because people cant respect boundaries and I can't have mine crossed at all. I make that clear to them but it still gets fucked, I am just meant to be alone.) and I asked her if she knew of anyone who might want a cat. I told her that I was too depressed for a cat and wasn't giving her what she needed. She is like "do you just need more help?" and I said no, I have made my decision and then she tried to call but my phone was on dnd like always. I texted again and said I wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone and then I got a call from the crisis line. Turns out her and my other friend were talking about me behind my back and in trying to "help" me both called and texted the crisis line. I have a very strong opinion about the crisis line and police being involved in mental illness care at least related to suicide. The current system is fucked and it is basically sending someone you "love" to prison so you don't have to put up with their shit. Not to mention the amount of sexual assaults that happen in these types of crisis facilities and I've already been fucking sexually assaulted, no thanks. Both of my friends know my opinion of these services and they know that I have cut people out of my life who have pulled this bullshit before. I am not the type of person who is resistant to help outside of these types of places btw. I am on medications, I have done several therapies, even TMS. I've tried to help myself a ton. I am just not into being imprisoned against my will. If they would have been like "lets work on getting your cat rehomed and make a therapy appointment" fucking fine. Whatever. I know it isn't going to do anything at this point but I will cooperate with anything up to being imprisoned over my freaking brain. no. ANYWAY that didn't even happen. The dumb crisis people called and asked if I was okay, I said yes and they haven't bothered me again. I am now just in a place where I've lost the last support people I had in my life, I obviously can't trust them to respect my boundaries and safety. Again, if they would have just been like okay lets find a home for the cat and make a therapy appt bitch, I would've fucking done that. I don't know what to do about my poor cat. I have it in my will that she would go to either my younger sister (I haven't talked to her in 5 years, no fault of her or my own just because my family and I are estranged and I don't want her to have to play middle man. I do know she loves cats though), or that one of my two friends that attempted to "help" me today would try and find her a good home. I did say they could adopt her if they would like but I made it clear that I understand they may not want a cat and that is totally okay. I don't know if one of my two friends would necessarily want her, I feel like if they wanted a cat they would already have one and I don't want to force that on them. My little sister on the other hand loves animals, particularly cats and would be a pretty likely option to adopt. It is unfortunate that I wouldn't be able to set that up before hand though. I am really struggling here because it is either give my cat up to a stranger or die not knowing what happens to her and just hoping they follow the wishes in my will? This whole system is fucked. And I just hope that the people who are reading this site and trying to get this crap taken down see that the people here HAVE TRIED, we have used the systems given to us. I am literally out of options at this point and that is on society, not on me so I wish everyone would stop trying to freaking punish me.
It has been extra hard this time around because I stupidly adopted a cat at a point when I thought I was not going to backslide (I have a terminal illness, I shouldn't have done that but whats done is done) and I wanted to find a good home for her before I pass. I'd prefer she goes to someone I know. She is the cutest and sweetest cat I've ever me, no bias. I was feeling really guilty about leaving her behind so I decided to reach out to my friend (of which I only have two, I have a really hard time with relationships because people cant respect boundaries and I can't have mine crossed at all. I make that clear to them but it still gets fucked, I am just meant to be alone.) and I asked her if she knew of anyone who might want a cat. I told her that I was too depressed for a cat and wasn't giving her what she needed. She is like "do you just need more help?" and I said no, I have made my decision and then she tried to call but my phone was on dnd like always. I texted again and said I wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone and then I got a call from the crisis line. Turns out her and my other friend were talking about me behind my back and in trying to "help" me both called and texted the crisis line. I have a very strong opinion about the crisis line and police being involved in mental illness care at least related to suicide. The current system is fucked and it is basically sending someone you "love" to prison so you don't have to put up with their shit. Not to mention the amount of sexual assaults that happen in these types of crisis facilities and I've already been fucking sexually assaulted, no thanks. Both of my friends know my opinion of these services and they know that I have cut people out of my life who have pulled this bullshit before. I am not the type of person who is resistant to help outside of these types of places btw. I am on medications, I have done several therapies, even TMS. I've tried to help myself a ton. I am just not into being imprisoned against my will. If they would have been like "lets work on getting your cat rehomed and make a therapy appointment" fucking fine. Whatever. I know it isn't going to do anything at this point but I will cooperate with anything up to being imprisoned over my freaking brain. no. ANYWAY that didn't even happen. The dumb crisis people called and asked if I was okay, I said yes and they haven't bothered me again. I am now just in a place where I've lost the last support people I had in my life, I obviously can't trust them to respect my boundaries and safety. Again, if they would have just been like okay lets find a home for the cat and make a therapy appt bitch, I would've fucking done that. I don't know what to do about my poor cat. I have it in my will that she would go to either my younger sister (I haven't talked to her in 5 years, no fault of her or my own just because my family and I are estranged and I don't want her to have to play middle man. I do know she loves cats though), or that one of my two friends that attempted to "help" me today would try and find her a good home. I did say they could adopt her if they would like but I made it clear that I understand they may not want a cat and that is totally okay. I don't know if one of my two friends would necessarily want her, I feel like if they wanted a cat they would already have one and I don't want to force that on them. My little sister on the other hand loves animals, particularly cats and would be a pretty likely option to adopt. It is unfortunate that I wouldn't be able to set that up before hand though. I am really struggling here because it is either give my cat up to a stranger or die not knowing what happens to her and just hoping they follow the wishes in my will? This whole system is fucked. And I just hope that the people who are reading this site and trying to get this crap taken down see that the people here HAVE TRIED, we have used the systems given to us. I am literally out of options at this point and that is on society, not on me so I wish everyone would stop trying to freaking punish me.
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