LostinTime24
Discharged&Defeated
- Mar 26, 2024
- 55
First post on here but I've viewed this site quite a few times before making an account.
Just wanted to share my situation to see if others have had a similar experience and have found ways to cope with life circumstances changing.
To start while deployed I had a sudden mood shift, I've been treated for depression when I was younger and thought I knew what that felt like and this was something else. This was may of 2023 and kicked ten months of horrible pain for me.
For starters I was withdrawn with my fellow people I deployed with I no longer could converse like I used too, was crying myself to sleep most nights and drinking heavy. This was a deployment within the US hence why we had access to alcohol which would lead me to disaster aswell as many others.
I began to drink heavy and ended up being reported for it and cost me rank and respect of others and lead to me being peered out and made fun of by others as I lost my rank as a new NCO which I've made my peace with as I did behave unbecoming as a soldier should.
As time went on though a large percentage of people began breaking the rules in a much worse way then I had and this involved higher rank and they obviously did not self police. Last major peace was a month before we were supposed to head home a drunk person threw a punch and knocked me out and caused me to have a really bad black eye which I couldn't hide. Long story short I had to share what I had seen with drinking and other policy violations which lead to me being even more of an outcast and made fun of. My deployment ended with me smoking cigarettes by myself and random soldiers from different locations mocking me whenever they saw me or when I would walk by they whisper something and laugh.
Moving on when I returned home is when stuff really hit the fan. I was drinking heavy and catatonic couldn't get myself to move for days at a time and was dealing with all sorts of relationship problems. As I said early just a constant mental fog and depression made me totally incapable of maintaining relationships. Also when news got around to my family and friends about my UCMJ on deployment to say everyone was disappointed isn't surprising. This led to Christmas when I was disowned by my mother and she was happy to tell the rest of the family what I've become.
Moving onto January by this time my health has suffered tremendously, I was down over 30 pounds and barely able to work but was Fighting on going through mood swings and the occasional hallucination. Things escalated as I was a very hostile person and definitely burned some bridges with people however I'd say I feel as though people just naturally distance themselves from people with mental illness and I can't say I blame them for it, it's just reality.
My mood swings got worse as I went on a anti depressant and eventually got so bad combined with the hallucinations I checked myself into the VA hospital closest to me as I was serisouly considering CTB this was Feb 23rd-27th. There I spent 4 days starting on a Saturday funny enough spent the weekend taking to med students before the full time came into work on Monday. To try and describe my feelings at the time was me coming to terms with what my username says as by me going in to inpatient care and being diagnosed with bipolar type 2 aswell as other problems meant my military career was over and I had have no chance at redemption. Funnily enough I was supposed to stay longer then 4 days but since I was a voluntary admission they allowed me after I convinced them it would impact my Job if I didn't return to work ASAP. Sadly this did end up costing me my job which leads me to where I am today.
Currently unemployed, being chaptered out of the military, disappoint and cast out of my family as they have a strong military background and no friends as the deployment distance and my instability has pushed everyone away. I recognize that a lot of this is self inflicted and therefore my fault but I also feel that it seems like this was destined to happen as unfortunately my family does have severe mental health problems and it seems like a coin flip among us if they end up the way I did. I'm currently about to start an intensive outpatient program which can hopefully allow me to recover.
To end this long vent/recovery post I'm curious if anyone has dealt and overcame something like this. I'm almost 24 and the military and job I've lost is all I've ever known and it feels I've lost all my positive life milestones and have reverted back to my scared confused high school self. I now stand alone with obviously poor mental and physical health. I've decided to give recovery my all as I feel before considering CTB you owe yourself that much and just to prove to people who constantly say did you really try to recover you haven't tried at all that I gave it my all. I'd like to see a light at the end of the tunnel but these 10 months of social isolation leading to a diagnosis unemployment and now for the foreseeable future financial difficulties just seems to overwhelming to face.
Just wanted to share my situation to see if others have had a similar experience and have found ways to cope with life circumstances changing.
To start while deployed I had a sudden mood shift, I've been treated for depression when I was younger and thought I knew what that felt like and this was something else. This was may of 2023 and kicked ten months of horrible pain for me.
For starters I was withdrawn with my fellow people I deployed with I no longer could converse like I used too, was crying myself to sleep most nights and drinking heavy. This was a deployment within the US hence why we had access to alcohol which would lead me to disaster aswell as many others.
I began to drink heavy and ended up being reported for it and cost me rank and respect of others and lead to me being peered out and made fun of by others as I lost my rank as a new NCO which I've made my peace with as I did behave unbecoming as a soldier should.
As time went on though a large percentage of people began breaking the rules in a much worse way then I had and this involved higher rank and they obviously did not self police. Last major peace was a month before we were supposed to head home a drunk person threw a punch and knocked me out and caused me to have a really bad black eye which I couldn't hide. Long story short I had to share what I had seen with drinking and other policy violations which lead to me being even more of an outcast and made fun of. My deployment ended with me smoking cigarettes by myself and random soldiers from different locations mocking me whenever they saw me or when I would walk by they whisper something and laugh.
Moving on when I returned home is when stuff really hit the fan. I was drinking heavy and catatonic couldn't get myself to move for days at a time and was dealing with all sorts of relationship problems. As I said early just a constant mental fog and depression made me totally incapable of maintaining relationships. Also when news got around to my family and friends about my UCMJ on deployment to say everyone was disappointed isn't surprising. This led to Christmas when I was disowned by my mother and she was happy to tell the rest of the family what I've become.
Moving onto January by this time my health has suffered tremendously, I was down over 30 pounds and barely able to work but was Fighting on going through mood swings and the occasional hallucination. Things escalated as I was a very hostile person and definitely burned some bridges with people however I'd say I feel as though people just naturally distance themselves from people with mental illness and I can't say I blame them for it, it's just reality.
My mood swings got worse as I went on a anti depressant and eventually got so bad combined with the hallucinations I checked myself into the VA hospital closest to me as I was serisouly considering CTB this was Feb 23rd-27th. There I spent 4 days starting on a Saturday funny enough spent the weekend taking to med students before the full time came into work on Monday. To try and describe my feelings at the time was me coming to terms with what my username says as by me going in to inpatient care and being diagnosed with bipolar type 2 aswell as other problems meant my military career was over and I had have no chance at redemption. Funnily enough I was supposed to stay longer then 4 days but since I was a voluntary admission they allowed me after I convinced them it would impact my Job if I didn't return to work ASAP. Sadly this did end up costing me my job which leads me to where I am today.
Currently unemployed, being chaptered out of the military, disappoint and cast out of my family as they have a strong military background and no friends as the deployment distance and my instability has pushed everyone away. I recognize that a lot of this is self inflicted and therefore my fault but I also feel that it seems like this was destined to happen as unfortunately my family does have severe mental health problems and it seems like a coin flip among us if they end up the way I did. I'm currently about to start an intensive outpatient program which can hopefully allow me to recover.
To end this long vent/recovery post I'm curious if anyone has dealt and overcame something like this. I'm almost 24 and the military and job I've lost is all I've ever known and it feels I've lost all my positive life milestones and have reverted back to my scared confused high school self. I now stand alone with obviously poor mental and physical health. I've decided to give recovery my all as I feel before considering CTB you owe yourself that much and just to prove to people who constantly say did you really try to recover you haven't tried at all that I gave it my all. I'd like to see a light at the end of the tunnel but these 10 months of social isolation leading to a diagnosis unemployment and now for the foreseeable future financial difficulties just seems to overwhelming to face.
