trying what i can

[spadez]

i''m lost.

i know i'm very young. however, i've had these thoughts since i was 7. i would make up scenarios in my head where i passed away and everyone grieved. it didn't seem so bad. i was always top of my class, school even. i was years ahead of my own curriculum. but it changed this year. grades were everything to me and i didn't have too much of a social life. all i ever knew was school. i didn't like that. i changed myself and tried to fit in more. my grades took a nose dive. as of now, i'm sure i'm failing most of my classes. to my peers, i'm spontaneous and empathetic. deep down, i don't think i feel much. human emotions confuse me. before reacting to situations, i always have to analyze it. after a bit, it was natural for me. even so, i feel oddly infuriated at times. in the heat of the moment, i imagine murdering people in cold blood multiple ways. in fact, this started from 7 as well. i would think of planning a fire to burn my family alive. i still think of that today. the feeling is getting stronger, especially now i don't care if i die in the process. i know this makes me sound like a potential serial killer but for now, i don't think i plan to act on these urges anytime soon.

sometimes i think i want help. i think maybe i do. something tells me i feel desperation. i'm desperate to find an answer for my life. death seems to be the closest one. i don't have access to pain-free methods so for now, i'll just keep trying what i can. but one day, i'll get tired of living a life in third person.

 

[itsallover]

It sounds like you're dealing with apathy. I don't enjoy anything anymore after dealing chronic health issues for four years. I think you should see a professional, because it looks like you're getting desperate and can seriously harm yourself and leave yourself damaged for life.

 

[timf]

The feeling of disconnect and social difficulty may indicate ASD (used to be called Aspergers). You may want to look at wrongplanet.com to see if some of that could apply. If it does, there are some who have worked out different coping strategies that might be helpful.

The ideation of harming people might seem harmless, but there is a danger that it can grow to become something you might act on. This can happen when we construct a mental scenario that we use to provide relief from anxiety or support a feeling of control. In a way these thoughts can become addictive.

Your inclination to analyze things can be a real asset. It may seem like a hurdle to smooth social interaction, but it can be a life saver when used to evaluate consequences. For example, a less discriminating person might more easily be talked into doing something rash by a companion of low character. The ability to analyze can help avoid people who might be a bad influence.