Turning into a shitty person

[Destin]

After 25 years of the universe repeatedly raping me, I feel my heart hardening.
I am an incredibly soft person, but I am admittedly no saint and still hurt people, just as much as anyone else, if not moreso. But Ive always tried. Always fought to improve and be better and stay gentle. Even I fail at times.
People have always commended me for being so "honest" and "brave" for being so open hearted.
I used to cry when I saw other people hurt. Id even cry just thinking about the state of the world. I give a lot of money and my resources to charity and homeless folks.
Ive never thought of this as something that makes me a good person as I feel its really just the bare minimum of what I could do.
I was a practicing buddhist. and I still believe thats as close to the truth of the world as anything. That love is the answer. ....

But Ive felt a shift lately. More at peace with ending my life in the future. And more at peace with just saying whatever I want without tiptoeing or sugar coating it at all. Its already hurting people I can tell. And honestly I feel nothing and dont care if they leave because of it.
Im openly talking about being pro choice about suicide. I feel its important. What people do here is important. That in particular is scaring those around me. Ive always been incredibly expressive, but im tired of the societally imposed limits.

I have mad respect for people who keep fighting this. But for me, its starting to feel foolish to do so.
I get no sense of pride from it. And Im tired of just doing it for other peoples sake too.

I dont think i'd ever be a bully. Or go out of my way to be a cunt, that would take effort for me. But I cant say that I feel anything anymore when I accidently hurt people.

Im existentially exhausted.

 

[typx]

Existential exhaustion. Yes.

 

[lv-gras]

for the moment just sympathy

 

[Brokenanddeadinside]

I know what you mean you sound like how I've been lafter so many fuck overs and shit going bad it's changed me into a person I don't like. I also was involved in Buddhism and believe a lot of Buddhist beliefs

 

[FadedMemory]

This. As a child I used to be really happy, I used to see magic and beauty in everyday life. Then school came, I felt scared and threatened every day. I had no one else my age around except the bullies, which made me socially awkward and anxious and hostile towards people in general.
I was supposed to leave my depression and suicidality at the end of high school, but things happened with the worst possible outcome, and the worst is that I will always be reminded of shitty high school, and so will everyone from my class.
I've slowly turned into a cold, emotionless and downright evil person, and there's no going back because my sanity is long gone.

 

[Midnight]

No prizes to be won being a good person. On the contrary you get fucked over alot more. I hate the fact that i'm goodhearted and can't change it. It has brought me far more aggrevation than it has joy.

Literally I could be standing with a rope arround my neck ready to jump off a chair and see someone in need of help i'd still stop myself and help others and then proceed hanging. That's how much of a "dumb-ass Mr do good" idiot i am.

Also girls aren't attracted to people pleasers.