Venting uncertain. and unsure about my life

[BlueberrySylv]

hey hey! first time dealing with...forums and also this website as a whole.
it's cliche that the first post is always a vent but oh well.
I just ordered Sn, last time I ordered it they told me to give documents and special "notes" from university for them to send me the Sn. in which I didn't have so I canceled.
two days later and again I'm ordering from a different website.
I live in Iran and so finding such things in small 100/1000mg bottles is almost impossible.
but hopefully...or unfortunately, this website just sends me the Sn without documents.

that aside im pretty unsure about this whole situation to begin with...living in this situation and country is horrible, I'm seeking this method of ctb only cause I feel like it's the only way to reach peace.

but I also know there are better ways too.
I live with my parents and despite me being really really indoors and basically depressed they didn't care.
once I told my parent that I am suicidal and I keep thinking about such thoughts and all they did was to tell me to stop thinking about such.
it's such a horrible situation to be in as I can't really go get myself a therapist. it's such a helpless situation....

and as a bottom text. has any of you guys been through something similar, how and what did you do in this situation of hopelessness. is there really a way out other than ctb?
anything is welcome!

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry life has brought you here and I'm sorry you don't seem to have much support from your parents.

It was quite late in life (late 20's) when a friends Mum persuaded me to talk to a therapist. Before then, I tried self help books quite a bit. Not sure they did all that much but, it was something.

I guess the obvious question is- What makes you so unhappy that you want to end it? Is it just a feeling that hit out of the blue or, are there specific things you want in life but feel you can't have?

It seems like there may be some hope in you- if only you could change your situation. Is that accurate? In which case- I think it's worth making sure there are actually no other options before choosing the final one.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry life has brought you here and I'm sorry you don't seem to have much support from your parents.

It was quite late in life (late 20's) when a friends Mum persuaded me to talk to a therapist. Before then, I tried self help books quite a bit. Not sure they did all that much but, it was something.

I guess the obvious question is- What makes you so unhappy that you want to end it? Is it just a feeling that hit out of the blue or, are there specific things you want in life but feel you can't have?

It seems like there may be some hope in you- if only you could change your situation. Is that accurate? In which case- I think it's worth making sure there are actually no other options before choosing the final one.

I'm glad that you did some research and read some books about such. it seems fun even if it didn't help you mentally.

but to answer the questions, I guess a lot of...trauma and things that happened in life.
had a dad but he was drug addict. basically never here but only to cause trouble, screams when I was a kid and fights from my mom with my dad.
then seeing him dead as a kid...my sis commiting suicide, and so much more from the past that I don't seem to have on top of my mind right now so easily.

aside from that living in this place doesn't help either. barely any jobs since I live in a country side. practically being alone and a loner irl, and not seeing any future for myself either. specially with the current situation of economics in my country.
everywhere I look it seems like everyone just had a headstart from having their family support them or their relatives.
but I have none and this country...it feels so hopeless.

 

[whatadom]

This is the big thing for em too and a total lack of uncertainty. If a few things change then I won't be on this site anymore

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm glad that you did some research and read some books about such. it seems fun even if it didn't help you mentally.

but to answer the questions, I guess a lot of...trauma and things that happened in life.
had a dad but he was drug addict. basically never here but only to cause trouble, screams when I was a kid and fights from my mom with my dad.
then seeing him dead as a kid...my sis commiting suicide, and so much more from the past that I don't seem to have on top of my mind right now so easily.

aside from that living in this place doesn't help either. barely any jobs since I live in a country side. practically being alone and a loner irl, and not seeing any future for myself either. specially with the current situation of economics in my country.
everywhere I look it seems like everyone just had a headstart from having their family support them or their relatives.
but I have none and this country...it feels so hopeless.

I'm so sorry. That does sound like a lot of trauma to be dealing with. I'm certain that difficult childhoods make life much harder to cope with.

Are there any ways you could move? If your location is a big part of the problem. I'm sure it's very difficult without money. Do you have other relatives that moved away? I guess it depends on how desperate and brave you can be. I think there are sometimes schemes where you can travel to places to work. Obviously, you need to ensure they are schemes rather than scams!

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Sounds rough. It always amazes me on how there are people from all walks of life, and (probably) every single country in the world, have found their way to this site.

Life sucks with the hand were given, and no matter how hard we try, for some of us, it never gets better. You take one step forward, then get knocked back ten steps.

I'm sorry life has brought you here, but at least you are now among those of us who will listen to you, and not judge you in any way.

Much peace to you.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

I'm so sorry. That does sound like a lot of trauma to be dealing with. I'm certain that difficult childhoods make life much harder to cope with.

Are there any ways you could move? If your location is a big part of the problem. I'm sure it's very difficult without money. Do you have other relatives that moved away? I guess it depends on how desperate and brave you can be. I think there are sometimes schemes where you can travel to places to work. Obviously, you need to ensure they are schemes rather than scams!

thats the thing actually its so hard to move out.
military is a mandatory here thing and we struggle as a family to live day by day because practically none of us work,
idk how we even are surviving rn. only way we get money is through my sisters who give us slight money and we live by.
its honestly its really horrible. worst is that even if we do decide to work the money we get is so little (because of countryside and horrible economy) that it wont even help us...
and issue with being so alone and having no connection is that i know no one and nothing about schemes and stuff. and even if i do because of lack of money im not sure if i could do that...especially that my family will be fully against it cause theyre scared or something.

thats why ive been even looking for ways to do ctb....its so hopeless and farfetched that its almost impossible. might as well just do that you know? since its so much...simpler especially with how my mind is so broken rn. practically being depressed and doing nothing

 

[Wanted Opioid]

aside from that living in this place doesn't help either. barely any jobs since I live in a country side. practically being alone and a loner irl, and not seeing any future for myself either.

I can tell that you're a smart and talented person who has been dealt a bad hand from life.
I just want to let you know that you can PM me if you need someone to listen to you or chat with directly.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

would love to but my account is new and all so I can't yet do anything.
on another note I'm glad I made this account actually and even bothered to make a forum.
you guys are all so supportive and nice it actually makes me emotional.
who knew the people who are the most troubled are the most supportive...

 

[Sutter]

Fire.

Had a rough time when I was little, still choppy today, not your situation but a shade of it. I've no intention of offending you with easy answers or vague ones and by all means stop reading now as you wish.

I'm older, should be said. You seem…fiesty, maybe a sad Valkyrie, but maybe a fighter, not always winning or losing just not giving a thing out of a stubbornness you're not sure about. IF that is the case. Leave if you can as others suggested, if you can't at the moment carve your world out of this one. Want a friend? May find some here. Review your resources you have, even the stupid stuff. Have feet can walk, check. Have internet, what are the borders like? Research where you want to go, what are all the ways there? In short begin the planning, arrange reconnaissance, make the plan(with options to change plan), issue the order(move yourself forward), supervise(review where you are at at times), and peruse the things you are interested in. This is not all my idea, an angry man with a pudgy snout in a green suit made me memorize some things, this was one of them. Wish I could have said he was just an angry leprechaun but it was more like dealing with the Hulk under a little restraint. IF you want to fight, harden your mind, and melt your soul in to something different, then this may have been for you.

Your problems are more than tough, death is a way out and may be the peace you seek but if you still find some beauty in the world and it is the environment only stopping you from a laugh, might be worth it to be a Valkyrie and cut your life from this one, as you see fit

Not pushing to stay, just thought you might not want to bend a knee. Your stubborn may change, that's fine if your fine with it. Some Valkeryie's I've heard said, drink blueberry tea watching a slow sky with a fire in their chest. Let me know if you see one.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

Fire.

Had a rough time when I was little, still choppy today, not your situation but a shade of it. I've no intention of offending you with easy answers or vague ones and by all means stop reading now as you wish.

I'm older, should be said. You seem…fiesty, maybe a sad Valkyrie, but maybe a fighter, not always winning or losing just not giving a thing out of a stubbornness you're not sure about. IF that is the case. Leave if you can as others suggested, if you can't at the moment carve your world out of this one. Want a friend? May find some here. Review your resources you have, even the stupid stuff. Have feet can walk, check. Have internet, what are the borders like? Research where you want to go, what are all the ways there? In short begin the planning, arrange reconnaissance, make the plan(with options to change plan), issue the order(move yourself forward), supervise(review where you are at at times), and peruse the things you are interested in. This is not all my idea, an angry man with a pudgy snout in a green suit made me memorize some things, this was one of them. Wish I could have said he was just an angry leprechaun but it was more like dealing with the Hulk under a little restraint. IF you want to fight, harden your mind, and melt your soul in to something different, then this may have been for you.

Your problems are more than tough, death is a way out and may be the peace you seek but if you still find some beauty in the world and it is the environment only stopping you from a laugh, might be worth it to be a Valkyrie and cut your life from this one, as you see fit

Not pushing to stay, just thought you might not want to bend a knee. Your stubborn may change, that's fine if your fine with it. Some Valkeryie's I've heard said, drink blueberry tea watching a slow sky with a fire in their chest. Let me know if you see one.

your words are really nice to read.
they bring a false sense of hope that I can't help but feel warmth everytime I read it.
I already lost count how many times I've read your poem so far.
perhaps I'm an emotional mess rn since I'm sleep deprived but it's really nice to read that.
idk how I must do this...I've thought about it so much but it often ends up in me just being down and my mind just holding me back. a roadblock.
I've been through too many of them to count. each time different reasoning and each time my mind stopping me in a different way.
even I don't understand myself often.
though I do have a dream. I grew up to ignore sadness. ignore a lot of things frankly (hence I have short term memory issues)
but everytime I deeply think about it I get reminded how far fetched everything actually looks.
my dream is to live a simple life. just having a stable job and doing whatever with the little money I have with me.
but that seems so far fetched. for someone like me.

a fighter knows how to fight and a Valkyrie knows how to wield an axe. but me? I didn't even learn how to walk.

perhaps a miracle would happen and I could just end up living my dream. with stable relationships and a peace of mind and stable income.

but living in pain for years and years on just for a glimps of hope that perhaps I might get a life i want ?

it's not just me that thinks that's slightly crazy right.

 

[Sutter]

your words are really nice to read.
they bring a false sense of hope that I can't help but feel warmth everytime I read it.
I already lost count how many times I've read your poem so far.
perhaps I'm an emotional mess rn since I'm sleep deprived but it's really nice to read that.
idk how I must do this...I've thought about it so much but it often ends up in me just being down and my mind just holding me back. a roadblock.
I've been through too many of them to count. each time different reasoning and each time my mind stopping me in a different way.
even I don't understand myself often.
though I do have a dream. I grew up to ignore sadness. ignore a lot of things frankly (hence I have short term memory issues)
but everytime I deeply think about it I get reminded how far fetched everything actually looks.
my dream is to live a simple life. just having a stable job and doing whatever with the little money I have with me.
but that seems so far fetched. for someone like me.

a fighter knows how to fight and a Valkyrie knows how to wield an axe. but me? I didn't even learn how to walk.

perhaps a miracle would happen and I could just end up living my dream. with stable relationships and a peace of mind and stable income.

but living in pain for years and years on just for a glimps of hope that perhaps I might get a life i want ?

it's not just me that thinks that's slightly crazy right.

Blueberry your not crazy.

Everyone has a pull on their heart, everyone. Some the pull is passing. Some are there now, some walk further. Glad you enjoyed the read but it was not hope I spoke to. It is an innate trait I have myself to defy everything life, death, faith, life, and although I value it even love. I can bend a knee to myself only, even now I'm settling my affairs, for me and the ones I love. I don't write hope or at least didn't mean to, I wrote to a fight that had no end but in itself.

It's not noble to fight its just the blowing of the wind, the sunrise on another day, no idea why I started but for living life I just always did. IF you had wanted to fight was tossing a method that might get you started, as I know that path. If it isnt for you turf it. Doesn't mean you are less in anyway way, the strongest fighter I knew stopped a grouchy grandma from punishing me for eating Brussels, which I did then threw them up all over a plate, old lady was furious, old man said "he did what you asked, told you what would happen, boy followed a request without complaint and held true to his word, get the cookies and lose the scowl". That old man didn't have an axe just a kindness that never washed off. Your words belie the same to me, so beautiful and strong in your grief like so many here.

Poem… well thank you,…Still see a sad Valkyrie, still sipping blueberry tea with real dreams. We all started out screaming and drooling so no worries about walking, pretty sure I was an advanced roller arounder while others moved on. Not a believer in miracles but can sit and think about it a bit with someone that does.

If nothing else gave what I could to a dark moment just to let you know there's others sitting where you are and in some ways where you've been.
P.S. Have met some people that most would judge,…separated from sanity, some of them thought I was crazy. Your last question, I spent 52 years doing just that….