Unfiltered thoughts

[ValkyrieCain]

There's no structure to this, I just pour out my thoughts , I find writing them out while not thinking and re reading them at a different time helps me understand my thought process.

I crave the past, I always find myself craving after the past, people I formed connections with that are no longer in my life, steps and decisions Ive made that my current self overanalyses to the point my head aches and hurts, I think about how I could've salvaged myself from one of the many messes I currently find myself in today. Many messes , most of my energy spent thinking about the past trying to find peace within myself rectifying the past in my thoughts giving myself excuses as to why I made certain decisions trying to justify the course of action I took , trying to convince myself that the course of action I took in the past was for the better trying to convince myself that without the past mistakes I wouldn't be who I am? then the realisation the past mistakes making who I am could've made me in a significantly better position im currently in now. Why do I try justify the past to myself why am I trying to convince myself everything happens for a reasons ; things within and outside my control. I've latched on to predestination as a solace something to convince myself that everything that's happening is for a reason , to build me to be who I'm supposed to be . What a joke , everything that has happened for a 'reason' has been the wall that building up in my life, creating holes for me , holes that I continue to dig deeper harbouring my past thoughts dwelling on them, getting emotional over them thinking about the friends I lost due to me lashing out, the family members that I offended to the point no on in my family contacts me any more , my best friends , uncle , aunts , cousin that followed me on social media , the psychosis episodes I went through even on social media revealing to them the things I've tried keeping hidden : my mental health Instability.

I've always tried to convince myself I wasn't depressed nor had any anxiety issues, this started at 16 years old, I played a lot of sports, gyming, active going out but derived no enjoyment from them, always wanting to even not be involved with other people, I withdrew, I personally think this is because I Never saw myself 'fitting in' with the people around me. my class mates , oh god how I folded myself so much during that period to try and look like them, copy their mannerisms, trying to change myself in a way that would make them accept me more into their groups. I became a shell of myself on the inside, on. the outside I tried moulding myself to the image of multiple people. Obviously some people won't say they didn't like you around them nor voice their displeasures about you. But if there's anyone I can count on doing that ; it's me. when I was around people the biggest criticism I received was from my internal thoughts telling me I don't fit in, I CAN never fit it, I can't be like them, nor dress like them , I didn't have the money nor looks nor confidence, I believed I had confidence at a time but this dwindled down to nothing

Manic episodes were things I didn't understand somedays Ill feel highly motivated a motivated high excess energy high, like I can do anything and everything almost like a god, when this wore of I was back to my usual self wallowing in my thoughts

I tried convincing myself I wasn't depressed , I've had suicidal thoughts before but I believed I was past that, I saw depression as a weakness to me, I told myself things would get better, instead they got worse, my decline from school, from friends, from family, my thoughts attacking my head daily to the point of headaches. Everything was a bother, having showers , eating doing my daily routine. When I realised that I may be depressed and decided to embrace it, I came out to my parents expressing my thoughts, my mother actually, she mocked me for it and just used it as argument fuel. I shut myself in again till I decided to see a doctor and was placed on meds. I finally accepted I was depressed.

Now the biggest challenge was me trying to convince other people I was completely normal, I did things I regret to overcompensate for this, try to please a lot of people, I didn't care if I wasn't happy as ling as they were happy I thought it was good enough for me. My thoughts were suppressed with my medication ; my depressive thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, they were suppressed, my anxiety was partially suppressed and I thought that I've finally found a definite answer to my mental health. But I've always felt like my negative thoughts were like waves prodding against the door which was locked by the antidepressants, every time I found water leaking through , id book an appointment with the gp to increase my dose so it reinforced the door to the wall in my thoughts. Within two 3 years I was on the highest dose possible for two different antidepressants at the same time. Yet I still found myself having manic episodes to the point it turned into psychosis, the medication being put on a high t dosage 250 mg velafaxine x 30 mg mirap made it worse; my worst psychosis episode was the one which broke me, which made me lash oat against all my friends and family, against the world basically.

Researching like a maniac about conspires about the government, thinking they were out to get me due to me knowing so much at this point, making social media post bashing on almost every social norm thinking I was the only sane person in the world when I started receiving lots of backlash and dms including followers dropping like flies , I made about 100 different post in a day offending almost everyone I knew. The issue is that all my mates, friends ,extended family, cousins , uncles, everyone I've known before were following me. At the time I felt confident during the psychosis I didn't care about what they thought of the things Ive said, I convinced myself I didn't need them I didn't care about them, the world was ending soon anyways so why bother with them, that I only needed myself. It was a raving outburst high, posting all my thoughts, people thought I was going insane, but from my eyes I was normal it was them that were insane. I said things online and in real life to thousands of people I can't take back, when I was in my psychosis I said it and acted in confidence.

When the mania wore off an the psychosis wore off, and I reread everything I posted, everything I said, I broke down, I knew they was no salvaging it, everyone I once knew hated me , including my own family , many people cut contact with me , basically everyone I knew. During the psychosis I didn't need them, after the psychosis even months after , I realised how much I truly missed them and how I shouldn't acted. I made a fooll of myself to the point I ran away completely.

Then burdens of my past weighs heavily against me daily, I try silencing my thoughts, silencing the actions of things I've done I tried blocking them , I can't block them completely hey seep through I cry, I dwell in regret, I reflect to the point its the only thing I can do, when it gets to much I try distract myself , I withdraw from society , I've been withdrawn from society for months now almost in complete isolation only going out for appointments that are helping me prop myself back up to make me a functional member of society again , im off my medication I don't take them anymore , I don't want them anymore, they surpassed till they couldn't suppress anymore and all my suppressed emotions and thoughts leaked out, they drove me to a crazy I had never experienced before. I also tend to overdose on them sometimes praying that my life would end but the dose for suicide using venlafaxine or mirap is incredibly high, yes I even tried giving myself serotonin syndrome ; 5gs of Mandy but Im still alive.

Mistakes from my past weights on my shoulder, I stopped trying to justify them, I don't justify them I accept im crazy, I'm slowly trying ti detach from all my past thoughts cause I know when I hyper focus on them I can't do anything else.

I dropped out of university , I done 2 years in uni and a couple of months a bachelors for computer science I believe I lost interest completely when I stopped taking my meds, the thing is did I loose interest completely ? or was that interest never there in the first place ? I used my degree I was studying as a protective barrier to sure myself I had my life going together , when I think about it even more, I used it as a barrier to convince my parents that I was normal and doing well.

I know this post is long so ill stop here with a last couple of lines;

am I healing ? I don't know , some days I feel normal others suicidal others hopeless others nothing , its random , I think im finding peace ? am I really finding peace or am I just distracting myself ? I believe im finding peace but in reality I 've just withdrawn from society completely now I only read all day as an escape, its a false pretence of peace. oh what they world has in store for me in the future I don't know.

I've lost interest in everything ; studies , sports, money, friends, family, going out, I've nothing to boast , Ive made dump financial decisions leaving me broke when I had a lot , for me to cope I've convinced myself that money is irrelevant.

Now what's the next step, therapy ? I don't know haven't tried this before I may try it , though im not one that likes talking about myself to someone else, its hard to construct thoughts talking to people I can't think like my mind blanks on itself, and it makes me with anxious , panicky , do I even believe what I saying to them, my vocabulary goes out the window when interacting with people, I try to hide how I truly feel from people as a defence mechanism , but here I can detach myself or when I write or type I can let everything out cause no ones watching, im not talking im just pouring my head out to keystrokes or brushes of the pen. What life has in store for me I don't know.

Why do I cling on to life? Let me tell you, the truth is I fear what comes after death. If I take my life , my belief in Jesus tells me I'll end up in hell, now that's what keeps me on the earth. Internal suffering no thanks. I can't destroy this temple just to suffer for ever. I tell myself that Jesus has plans for me , I still believe that, that keeps me going at times till it doesn't and I break down which happens often. Am I crazy I don't know, no I am crazy, now what keeping me alive ? have I deluded myself to the point I want to die but don't want to take my life ? I'd lie if I say I don't joyfully think of someone randomly taking my life; would that be a safe way out for me without me killing myself and subjecting myself to eternal damnation I believe so .


My heart aches daily , to keep myself going; I anchor onto the word of God now I know some will think im delusional some not, if I be delusional and my delusions be so strong then let it be , when those 'delusions' crumble I believe that my life itself will be snatched away by my hands

 

[aidenjoni]

I do not have any of these answers, but I do feel the need to say that I feel like I could have written this. This sounds extremely similar to my though processes and reminds me very much of the way I think in circles endlessly.

I know it isn't very much, if anything at all. But someone out there understands you, a little. Whatever solutions you find, no matter what they are, I hope they bring you the peace that you, and by extension I, crave so dearly.

 

[GoSan1]

First of all, the past is done, don't cling to it anymore, it only breaks you more. You see, these "mistakes" made you what you are today, and that isn't telling oneself that things happened for a greater cause. You see, I am happy that all of this happened to me. Would I go through it again? Hell no. But I am still thankful, for when you are broken, you see your true self. And that self of mine is actually a very pure and sweet person, and I am glad I found myself. Now with all of this emotional stuff, it's terrible, for it changes you into something you don't want to be. It's weird, we know pain yet inflict it out of anger onto others. I am the same, I blame and insult people in my video games simply for not playing as well, or am disrespectful towards my mother. It seems to be connected to the feeling of anger that we have no hope.

I told my mother that I wanted to die, of course, that went completely bad and she cried and still cries a lot. She can't see how much I crave this ending of this life, and never will. I don't know in what way your mother used it as an argument, but mine said that I should of have told her that earlier, which might be the truth honestly...

I can't say much about therapy, but give it a try. I am gonna do the same soon, to give my mother a chance so I can selfishly say I tried and end my life in peace.

I do understand your feelings about Jesus, I'm completely the same. That faith is as good as dead, but there is still the slightest hope that my wishes and dreams get fulfilled because only he can make them come true. So if hell awaits me after death, then all my life was, was to go from one suffering to another.


I hope we both find our peace, our wishes, and hopes, as I hope anyone on here finds it.

I hate Christmas because it makes me realize just how none of my wishes come true, and how life simply continues. It takes away the smallest of faith I have, but I still wish you a Merry Christmas.

 

[ValkyrieCain]

I do not have any of these answers, but I do feel the need to say that I feel like I could have written this. This sounds extremely similar to my though processes and reminds me very much of the way I think in circles endlessly.

I know it isn't very much, if anything at all. But someone out there understands you, a little. Whatever solutions you find, no matter what they are, I hope they bring you the peace that you, and by extension I, crave so dearly.

I do hope we find that peace. My thought cycles flow endlessly unless i find a way to detach myself completely, issue is when im detaching from reality i tend to do nothing else but dwell in some distractions .

When I think theres a form of progress over a duration of time, im pulled down only to realise Im at ground 0 sometimes even worse than when I started.

Its demotivating to the point all ounce of my motivation has died. I dont feel like doing anything but withdrawing. I keep comparing my current self to my past self, wishing I could turn back the clock but i know i cant.


I do hope we find the peace that brings us some sort of joy and freedom from this predicament if theres one

First of all, the past is done, don't cling to it anymore, it only breaks you more. You see, these "mistakes" made you what you are today, and that isn't telling oneself that things happened for a greater cause. You see, I am happy that all of this happened to me. Would I go through it again? Hell no. But I am still thankful, for when you are broken, you see your true self. And that self of mine is actually a very pure and sweet person, and I am glad I found myself. Now with all of this emotional stuff, it's terrible, for it changes you into something you don't want to be. It's weird, we know pain yet inflict it out of anger onto others. I am the same, I blame and insult people in my video games simply for not playing as well, or am disrespectful towards my mother. It seems to be connected to the feeling of anger that we have no hope.

I told my mother that I wanted to die, of course, that went completely bad and she cried and still cries a lot. She can't see how much I crave this ending of this life, and never will. I don't know in what way your mother used it as an argument, but mine said that I should of have told her that earlier, which might be the truth honestly...

I can't say much about therapy, but give it a try. I am gonna do the same soon, to give my mother a chance so I can selfishly say I tried and end my life in peace.

I do understand your feelings about Jesus, I'm completely the same. That faith is as good as dead, but there is still the slightest hope that my wishes and dreams get fulfilled because only he can make them come true. So if hell awaits me after death, then all my life was, was to go from one suffering to another.


I hope we both find our peace, our wishes, and hopes, as I hope anyone on here finds it.

I hate Christmas because it makes me realize just how none of my wishes come true, and how life simply continues. It takes away the smallest of faith I have, but I still wish you a Merry Christmas.

Trying not to cling to the past is difficult for me, especially when it happens subconsciously, everything I am today ; my brain thinks, is a regressed version of my past self. As if instead of making progress as the years went on, instead i went backwards undoing the progress I made. I draw endless comparisons to what i was before.

I've been broken before , in the past at 16 when i started my depression and anxiety treat ment, took me 3 years to find some stability , to feel 'normal again' another 2 years to make progress to make me feel like my life was on track, then a couple months for it to all come crumbling down

I like to think that my mistakes made me who I am today, but certain mistakes also makes you worse than who you were previously.

My mother doesnt believe depression or anxiety is a thing she just tells me its a temporary feeling and people are fooling me saying Im depressed. She told me if i mention it to anyone theyll put me in a psychiatric hospital, also saying people would avoid me for feeling that way.

When we did get into an argument she was telling mocking me ; "16 year old man saying hes depressed, are you not ashamed , you better stop fooling yourself , dont let anyone hear or theyll make fun of you. Depressed and you still eat, and go to the toilet and brush your teeth…." and more…

She was then got two pastors to go to the house and pray for me against my will and even went to those 'witch doctors' to see if it was spiritual.

i wont call faith dead, my faith in Jesus is the only thing that keeps me tethered without wanting to commit anymore

I hate christmas too, theres no one for me to spend it with, im all alone , its just like any other day. Nothing special.

I do hope someday there'll be some closure, where out wishes do come true, when we can look back and be happy at the progression weve made from this point

I wish you a merry christmas too