This site attracts a mixed bag of people. All walks of life. I just want to unload. I don't know what to say. I have been so up and so down. So deluded and so estranged. I have pushed away all my friends. I have become a stranger to myself. Some here wish to die due to terrible diseases. Some are old and don't want to suffer any more. Some are so young and tormented by grief. I guess I am none of the above or all of the above. I just hate writing this. I hate being here. I hate waiting for the end. I hate myself for not being stronger; for not overcoming my stupid mind; for not being able to handle life with a grin. The person I wanted to be and the person I am are so far apart. I am fascinated by these wealthy famous celebrities offing themselves. Clearly fame and wealth don't solve our darkest problems. To be unknown and wealthy perhaps does. Can anyone relate to the meandering mind behind these keystrokes? I feel so alone: maybe that is what I need to ctb. I can't even say goodbye to my loved ones. I would rather just pretend they don't exist; I don't exist. These wealthy celebrities with all their might couldn't keep themselves alive: it blows my mind. I am overcome by guilt but know I must ctb. I apologize for not providing more practical advice for ctb. In this state, I am a narcissistic windbag to be sure. I have no one else I can turn to. I should have become an artist and channeled my angst into my work. Instead I pussed our end took the conservative way out. And now I am broken. Alone. Desperate. I feel as though the bell tolls for me. How strange we are human beings once proud and joyous then downtrodden and done. I feel as though I could ignore all of my pains and regain my life one moment but each moment as this goes with each day. Perhaps the draining of my spirit is beyond my control. What is in our control? How I envy the calm bus catcher with his methodology so organized. My bus will be old, perhaps painful but reliable. I am sorry for this rant. Something compels me to write here.
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