Help Unnecessary Self Defense

[Life_and_Death]

how do you talk to someone that close to always seems to come from a place of self defense?

i wish i could remember some examples but ill say something really really stupid, that in some cases even agrees with him and he comes back (sometimes even cutting me off) with a snap and a comment thats like "dude....just chill"

this person and i have had our differences (mostly on his side, its my ex hus), but ive worked to reduce my side of things. ive worked on my wording and everything and he seems to...still be going backwards.

and the way he "steals" my disorders for his own excuses, da fuck!
i told him, i have bpd, i have heightened emotions so my tone doesnt always match with what i mean to project. but ive worked hard to notice when it happens and apologize for it and try to explain what i did mean. then the other day im like "your tone sound like..." (or something like that) and for the first time in maybe a year "oh, well i told you its my tone"
i mentioned having a tone problem first and i cant help but notice you only bring it up when its useful to get you out of shit, have yet to explain a cause it "just happens" and DONT apologize for it.

ive done all this work, and im fucking sick of this....


but there isnt really anything i can do
please dont suggest that i leave, i cant for a number of reason, 1 being anorexic i need him for my own care and 2 he's probably deathly ill, but i wont go into it (you can probably guess...) so im trying to be "the good person" but fuck that doesnt change the way he treats me or how i feel....

is all i can do just keep dropping the convo every time he pisses me off???



edit: i feel like, he says the opposite....just because his brain triggers him to and he goes along with it....

i also really enjoy how often im right, but im literally only wrong with him. like dude.....that doesnt even make sense (like %. im right/wrong in general a certain amount but im always wrong with him)



im stressing out and want to smoke all 3 joints beside me...... (and just smoked 1 so. 4)

 

[amnesia999]

It sounds like he could be hypervigilant. If I understand it correctly he's always on the lookout for perceived danger. "In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of activity, threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships." My therapist says it's common with people who've experienced trauma.

My partner and I go through that "You're cranky!" -- "No I'm not cranky!" -- "But your tone of voice makes it sound like you're cranky" -- "Well I'm not" cycle all the time. Nice to know I'm not alone. Haven't found a "cure" for it yet.