Venting unsure of how to move forward

[CremstDearest]

Hello, İve recently gone through a nasty breakup last month, which have enabled my suicidal tendencies, though by no means are they because of the breakup entirely, ive been suicidal for years, though unsure if its okay for me to talk about it or not considering im shamed to be "attention seeking", im unsure, i just need a way to express my emotions and let it all out, a place where noone knows me and i can let myself go, express myself and my pain, ive been going to therapy but the only thing she says is that i need to be put on medication, shes going to tell my mother about my suicidal thoughts and im honestly scared of that happening, i do not plan to end my life anytime soon, it plagues my mind yet i feel like it might be a right step to keep continuing.

im just tired, especially tired of my ex boyfriend's constant harassment, i wont go into it as to not expose my identity in the contrary that he sees this, but it does hurt, alot, ive spent the last of our relationship caring and loving him, making sure he was okay and it was all thrown away due to a mistake i did, ive apologized, im not good with communication or actions, and i swear all ive ever wanted to do was help, but i suppose not, its done the opposite, and i heavily regret it, wish i could retake that day and avoid this all from happening.

there is no deny i miss him, despite his toxicity, and hostility towards me i still do, im an idoit who still loves him despite how much pain and suffering hes caused me by his words alone, im sorry i couldnt be a better boyfriend, im sorry ive caused you pain that day, i only wanted to help.

but regards that, he doesnt believe me, instead saying that im a liar who gaslights him every time i try to defend myself, and im starting to consider that it might've been true, im afraid of that being the truth however, all ive ever wanted was to show him how much i truly loved him.

but yet again, i failed, god i feel like im constantly repeating myself over and over, my brain has no time for space or anything, i need to get these emotions out he plagues my mind and yet he doesnt allow me to grieve, constantly boasting about his life is so much better, hes such an asshole.. a fucking asshole, i hate his actions, i hate his words i hate the way he acts and yet i still fucking love him,

whats wrong with me? why am i holding on to a thin rope just for that slither of hope? even after he said he wished me to die, even after he said he wished pain and suffering among me?

i just wanted to help him

its not fair.

im so sorry...

im so tired, and im scared, im scared hes going to see this by chance and recognize its him, recognize its me behind this, and im scared of the other nasty things hes going to say.

i just want someone to hear my pleads, my cries my sorrows, ive suffered for so long and i want to vent, grieve, i want to let go of all my traumas and heal, but i suppose thats attention seeking in his standards, so i guess it is.

eitherway sorry for the long yap, i have alot on my mind but i suppose ive written alot (alot about my ex actually, x'D oh well, good things dont last forever right?)

thank you for reading this far, it feels better getting this off my chest.

(if you see this, and you know who you are, and managed to read this far without getting mad and going berserk again, I'm sorry for the last time we saw each other, hurting you was never and never will be my intent, and i cannot change the feelings i have for you, so please let me grieve in peace and if you want to have a conversation then have it in an appropriate mature manner, were not kids anymore.

thank you.)

 

[SVEN]

Safe venting is one of the often unappreciated services this group provides.

 

[CremstDearest]

Safe venting is one of the often unappreciated services this group provides.

yeah, i can see that, it feels better to just be able to vent though im contemplating deleting this incase my ex sees it

 

[GoSan1]

Love is so beautiful and can yet be so cruel. I know feelings are something that we are controlled by, and this here seems to be the same case. I wanted to give advice, but am in no position to do so, just please do not cling to things that in the end just break you more. Either way, I'm sorry it has even gotten this far with your pain, hope it turns around immediately...

 

[CremstDearest]

Love is so beautiful and can yet be so cruel. I know feelings are something that we are controlled by, and this here seems to be the same case. I wanted to give advice, but am in no position to do so, just please do not cling to things that in the end just break you more. Either way, I'm sorry it has even gotten this far with your pain, hope it turns around immediately...

thank you, and please, any advice you can give is good advice worther you are in the position or not, i appericate it, and yes, i agree, the clinginess i have onto this is breaking me slowly, even the mere thought of him seeing this is breaking me, i hope things take a turn for the better eventually though, thank you <3

 

[GoSan1]

thank you, and please, any advice you can give is good advice worther you are in the position or not, i appericate it, and yes, i agree, the clinginess i have onto this is breaking me slowly, even the mere thought of him seeing this is breaking me, i hope things take a turn for the better eventually though, thank you <3

I have never really been into a relationship, but I do know how it feels like to cling to things that simply aren't destined to happen. Maybe it is the fear of loneliness, or maybe something else. From the sound of it, this wasn't a real relationship to me to be honest. Love isn't toxic, and neither do you blame one another, it's pure. Both sides want to please each other to the utmost, yet it's understandable to forget such things in a world where love is dying out.

I know how it feels to be lonely, have been my whole life. It hurts, but thanks to it I realized what I truly want in a relationship, what I'm into, and all the other things, which I wouldn't of have been able to find out if I changed myself for love. But the thought of being alone again hurts, sometimes that pain makes us so fearful, that we rather cling to that delusion we think of as love. But in reality, we just fall into a spiral of pain until we either break free or succumb to it. And you poor soul have just fallen into that. Were you truly yourself in that relationship? Or did you just adapt to be accepted? Would a lover who truly loves his partner hurt them? Gaslight them? Make them cry and not apologize, but rather want them to apologize? It doesn't make sense, does it? It's quite clear that isn't love.

So do not be harsh on yourself, you aren't the problem here, you are just a gentle soul scared of being alone and trying to cling onto companionship that is tearing you apart. Head up, be yourself, and search for something you like. Look at me, not even a single kiss in 22 years, yet I am happy that I found my likings and preferences because else I'd just be tricking myself.

But the main reason I didn't want to give advice is that I'm looking forward to ctb on the 24th of November, just leaving my mother and brother alone. I'm despicable and selfish and do not deserve to give anyone any advice. But seeing what has happened to my mother with my father, what pain he caused her to have, I do not want anyone to experience that. It is so cruel and painful, and you're walking just that path as well, ignoring all those signals to run.

As I keep saying, the best-case scenario would be for god to end this world and take us all to our heavens, there we could have the partners we are destined to have... But that's just hope hiding behind despair...

 

[CremstDearest]

I have never really been into a relationship, but I do know how it feels like to cling to things that simply aren't destined to happen. Maybe it is the fear of loneliness, or maybe something else. From the sound of it, this wasn't a real relationship to me to be honest. Love isn't toxic, and neither do you blame one another, it's pure. Both sides want to please each other to the utmost, yet it's understandable to forget such things in a world where love is dying out.

I know how it feels to be lonely, have been my whole life. It hurts, but thanks to it I realized what I truly want in a relationship, what I'm into, and all the other things, which I wouldn't of have been able to find out if I changed myself for love. But the thought of being alone again hurts, sometimes that pain makes us so fearful, that we rather cling to that delusion we think of as love. But in reality, we just fall into a spiral of pain until we either break free or succumb to it. And you poor soul have just fallen into that. Were you truly yourself in that relationship? Or did you just adapt to be accepted? Would a lover who truly loves his partner hurt them? Gaslight them? Make them cry and not apologize, but rather want them to apologize? It doesn't make sense, does it? It's quite clear that isn't love.

So do not be harsh on yourself, you aren't the problem here, you are just a gentle soul scared of being alone and trying to cling onto companionship that is tearing you apart. Head up, be yourself, and search for something you like. Look at me, not even a single kiss in 22 years, yet I am happy that I found my likings and preferences because else I'd just be tricking myself.

But the main reason I didn't want to give advice is that I'm looking forward to ctb on the 24th of November, just leaving my mother and brother alone. I'm despicable and selfish and do not deserve to give anyone any advice. But seeing what has happened to my mother with my father, what pain he caused her to have, I do not want anyone to experience that. It is so cruel and painful, and you're walking just that path as well, ignoring all those signals to run.

As I keep saying, the best-case scenario would be for god to end this world and take us all to our heavens, there we could have the partners we are destined to have... But that's just hope hiding behind despair...

thank you for your words, though i garauntee what we had was true love, it was kind of ruined after i thought affection would make him feel better, and inturn it made his mentality spiral out of control, i understand the concerns though as much as i agree hes toxic. i dont know if id be willing to let go of the rope i hold on to, he was truly the most wonderful man i could ever ask for.

im not going to encourage your process to CTB, though im not sure if i can help as my mental state is fucked, were all here for a reason right? haha, but i think youre going too hard on yourself, truly selfish people wouldnt go in there time of day to go out and reply to someones silly vent over some ex, yet you still went out of your way to post a comment, it counts, your advice, weither used or not still desreves to be said, you desreve to speak no matter who you are, wanting to ctb is not selfish, though a debatable topic majority of the time you just want the pain to end.

i agree though with the last part, somewhat, but i guess life is a trial we have to bypass, kind of like a game with levels we have to overcome, otherwise its game over.

i wish you well, and please consider to be less harsh on yourself, i can already tell youre a wonderful kind soul and i wish you all the best <3

 

[GoSan1]

thank you for your words, though i garauntee what we had was true love, it was kind of ruined after i thought affection would make him feel better, and inturn it made his mentality spiral out of control, i understand the concerns though as much as i agree hes toxic. i dont know if id be willing to let go of the rope i hold on to, he was truly the most wonderful man i could ever ask for.

im not going to encourage your process to CTB, though im not sure if i can help as my mental state is fucked, were all here for a reason right? haha, but i think youre going too hard on yourself, truly selfish people wouldnt go in there time of day to go out and reply to someones silly vent over some ex, yet you still went out of your way to post a comment, it counts, your advice, weither used or not still desreves to be said, you desreve to speak no matter who you are, wanting to ctb is not selfish, though a debatable topic majority of the time you just want the pain to end.

i agree though with the last part, somewhat, but i guess life is a trial we have to bypass, kind of like a game with levels we have to overcome, otherwise its game over.

i wish you well, and please consider to be less harsh on yourself, i can already tell youre a wonderful kind soul and i wish you all the best <3

It seems to be even more complicated of a situation than I thought, that sucks. Well, I know best that words hold no power or anything, but I do hope things somehow turn around for you since there is still some hope for you.

As for my selfishness, you see, I respond to make myself feel better, thinking I did something good and have better chances of getting into heaven.
But it also pains me to see people in so much pain, taking my last hope of things getting better away.

What's special about your situation is that there might be some hope left, I had a classmate who almost broke up with her bf because his family disliked her and he wanted to break up. After a few days, he came back sad and apologizing, he got slapped in the face and now they are back together and somewhat happier than before. Maybe this process will happen to you too, but please don't take my words as hope. I know so well how false hope can break someone, and I wouldn't wanna give you that. I simply hope it turns around for you.