Urge for revenge + intense hatred. Desire to make someone else suffer for hurting you.

[justwannadip]

I want to preface this by saying none of this is in my control. I don't want to have it, and I've tried everything to rid myself of these urges, including practicing acceptance. This is hard to talk about, partially because its so different than who I feel I am at my core, or who I was when I was younger, but its gotten too much for me to ignore.

With that being said anyone else gotten extremely hateful, resentful or vengeful? For me its to a specific person that hurt me. I'm not just talking about wishing ill, or being really angry. I'm talking when the thoughts and urges won't leave you alone 24/7 and they're so intense that its genuinely painful. I'm talking when it no longer feels like an evil fantasy and its bordering on a plan. If you can't relate to this, thats great, I wish I didn't. You can stop reading the rest. But if you do, read on.

The urges have been getting darker and more painful recently and I feel like I'm genuinely powerless and losing control. I have disorders that don't really let me move on or stop thinking about something (ocd, bpd, depression). There's many more reasons for these urges that would be too long to list. I give people power and validation by being weak and failing to respect myself even when I try my hardest to, especially in relationships. In turn it gives their ego a boost and I'm sure it makes them feel like they "won" in breakups even though I come back to everyone I'm with. The last time I tried my absolute hardest, but still went back out of extremely low self worth and self-hate. I envy people that can control their mind and not have it work against them constantly. I'm tired of being the one that people use to frame their ego, or ridding people of their guilt or regret from hurting me because I don't show myself respect and end up lowering my worth to them. No matter how hard I try, how much therapy I do, how much meditative practice etc. I still failed. I've become extremely angry and bitter, and its largely due to being misunderstood. The person I was with should know that I go back to everyone and that its not because they were special. They also should have been left with their regret and not saved from it. Tired of making people better while I get worse and can't.

I think I've become evil, or maybe I've always had it in me. I've suffered so intensely for so long that my intense self-hatred has begun to shift to the outside. It's to the point where it doesn't even feel like fantasy anymore-like it could develop into a plan. Originally it terrified me, and I was so apalled. But it hasn't gone away and eats me alive every second of the die.

Its not about a lack of awareness to where the feeling comes from, or a failure to confront something. I've gone heavily into psychology, therapy, spirituality (buddhism, meditation), and heavy introspection, and yet I still have this pressing urge to seek revenge or cause suffering to certain people that hurt me and/or that I perceived gained something off of my pain. I've tried to have compassion and empathy for myself but it never lasts and it doesn't quell the pathological urges. At first the urges terrified me, but I've gotten so used to them, and they're so relentless that I can no longer ignore them. I'm feeling those dark thoughts and emotions everyday and its so painful I just want it to stop. But obv my brain won't let up. It's relentless, and its not what I want to feel or do, but I can't stop it. Its genuinely painful—it feels like gallons of kerosene being dumped into the deepest regions of my brain. Although I'm not thinking I'd act out on them, and I haven't genuinely planned anything, I feel like I'm getting there fast. It's like, I didn't think I would actually create a comprehensive plan to ctb when I first entertained the idea of suicide years ago, and now, being genuinely actively suicidal for a long time, I fear those other harmful urges will progress.

If anyone has had dark urges or hatred towards someone (not just thoughts that come and go, everyone has that) but doesn't feel comfortable talking about it here please pm me. I get it, but it feels like you can't talk about this stuff anywhere.

 

[justwannadip]

And I'm too fucking scared to die so the resentment just builds and builds and stays and stays. Every day. Blaming myself, regret, then doing what my brain is screaming at me to do and that I should've done, then regretting that choice, realizing that I made the actual worst choice and that it would've been better before if I didn't listen to my brain, more regret, my mind telling me I'm a fucking idiot how did I think it was a good idea, but realizing that my own fucking brain was the one that kept telling me that I fucked up the first time and to fix it and then blamed me for doing it. I need to fucking kill myself so I can kill my fucking brain. It doesn't let me live. It's a fucking torture machine. It doesn't give a fuck about me. No matter what I do, theres regret. It finds a way. Its my whole perspective, my brain controls my experience, I have no power, I've tried, i've fucking tried so many fucking times. It won't let me live, but its also too pussy to fucking die.

 

[canijo]

I kinda understand you, altough i've not been exactly in the same position.
In my case i've built resentment towards many people, and for a few of them It turned to hatred. I tried to get away, cut all my links, and literally moved to another province.

It didnt help per-sé, my mind would constantly wander to the situations that caused my pain, and i would find myself throwing punches to the air completely rilled up just randomly. Anything remotely similar to any of those experiences would just trigger me. I would imagine constantly what should i've done or said, or what id do if i bumped into them.

Therapy didnt really help, but i think that actual "revenge" wouldnt either. The problem was me. Even if i dont think i deserved what happened, Its still my problem i cant deal with It. IMHO the only solution is completely new experiences. Like new work, new friends, or whatever new. And that It succeds. In my case i tried both, and i was actually in such a bad state mentally that It didnt really work, and being in a bad place got me stuck on the same mental place, so i would just get stuck in loops.

But i still think that the only real way to move on, and be able to live with those kind of feelings is to actually find a way to replace your rutine with new things that are not related and wont trigger u as much, so in the long term they just become memories. The bad thing is that that is hard as fuck and even if you put all your will into it, It does not guarantee any success. But well, life's a bitch.

Id like to have better advice, but i dont , i hope you can find something to help you move away from the hate loop

 

[coolgal82]

i kinda have some people i hate that much where like if i was with them irl im kinda scared i would try something (i have literally fantasises about using my SN to poison to them before if i somehow ever met up with them and it feels like if we did i might just do it) but honestly i usually can forget about it until someone mentions them or i see them and then i'm just like filled with anger and honestly it's really annoying? like i hate them too much. one of them i dont even know why i hate all that happened was we had a minorly annoying interaction on twitter and now every fucking sentence she says or just being reminded of her existence threatens to send me into some kind of like rage spiral where i have to hold myself back from saying anything and like getting thrown out of the friendgroup. but like argh i fucking hate her so much everything she says is either the dumbest thing i've read or the most offensive thing i've read or whatever.

theres one other person i hate more though because my brain decided she was being too friendly to my besties and thus is trying to replace me/steal them from me and like i actually got happy when she got into a car accident so i think i am a bad person, but like everything she says feels like it's a personal attack and sometimes it even feels like she's just taunting me??? like idfk. i cant ratioanlise it but i also cant think otherwise it's annoying like two halves of my brain fighting (i hate that brain civil war stuff where like the logical part of my brain is like "you have no reason to feel like this" but the emotional part is like "fuck you this feeling is correct go cry about it")

also one person who's just an ableist bitch and i hate her but its more of a neutral hatred but like i almost blew up at a friend just cus they kinda fw her and specifically said they dont like seeing people hate on her and that reaaallly pissed me off (i'm just weird about him in general i flip between "hes cool" and "i hate him why am i friends with him wtf" depending on if im speaking to him or not lmao) and i had to spend atleast a few hours trying not to unleash paragraphs on him and like folding him in half. tbh with her im just waiting for her to slip up again so i can be on her and finish her off lmao.

I also have like intense hatred for other people sometimes but ike without the revenge part fully idk? idk. it depends lmao it's never consistent

 

[justwannadip]

How do you guys deal with resentment and anger and not doing horrible things to someone that hurt you or gained something from your pain? There's so much context to this, but if anyone can be an ear to listen please feel free to dm me.

 

[katara]

I feel weak as well. I relate to having low self worth, therapy didn't do shit for me. I think it makes sense to be angry when you are misunderstood. I don't know what you have been through so I can't comment on revenge. I still have nightmares about when i was in school, it makes me so heartbroken because it sucks not being able to move on. Not sure if this is something you deal with, I just wanted to add that in here.
I would say the most general response would be to let things go, but we can't always do that. There's certain things that maybe I just can't let go, that we can't let go of if our emotions really got shattered by someone. I think that's ok, try not to be so hard on yourself. You sound like you've tried many things and i think that's great, it means you are willing to put effort into yourself, so many people or not. They just want a pill and quick fix, i admire people like you who get into the spiritual stuff. I personally can't, i was raised religious and the thought of a god just makes no logical sense to me. I want to believe in spirits and stuff but i just can't.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Yes. I had a falling out with a woman that I developed romantic feelings for. I was in the process of helping her open a business when things went south. I find myself constantly checking (at least once a day) to see how her business is doing. Luckily for the sake of my ego, I can tell by the reviews that she is struggling badly. Something I am confident wouldn't be the case if I had finsihed helping her. And her struggle gives me great satisfaction. It's evil, but it is what it is.

 

[justwannadip]

Yes. I had a falling out with a woman that I developed romantic feelings for. I was in the process of helping her open a business when things went south. I find myself constantly checking (at least once a day) to see how her business is doing. Luckily for the sake of my ego, I can tell by the reviews that she is struggling badly. Something I am confident wouldn't be the case if I had finsihed helping her. And her struggle gives me great satisfaction. It's evil, but it is what it is.

This is exactly what I mean. People act like they don't want others to suffer, then I read things like this. I know this is what my ex felt. The world is about power and ego.

 

[lilah]

in my experience, revenge is empowering and is always (always) a dish best served cold, frozen even.

idk what people mean by "revenge won't fix you". it's not true. it's very satisfying and healing to have your energy back from someone who stole it from you.

it's like a revival. the part of you they stole finding it's way back to you and you can finally stop obsessing over them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't have desires for revenge as such but I feel enormous resentment towards members of my family for a whole bunch of crap that happened in my childhood. It's tainted my relationships with all of them.

My Dad is my last living blood relative in my close family circle. It's been especially hard to come to terms with feeling resentment towards him because, he's the person I'm closest to.

I think I'd find it easier to let go of if he didn't hold me to standards that he himself didn't attain. That's what really irks me. He expects me to be strong when he wasn't and a large part of why I'm not that strong is because he wasn't! It's like- in large part- you made me what I am. Don't get annoyed with me for it!

 

[phantomisgone]

How do you guys deal with resentment and anger and not doing horrible things to someone that hurt you or gained something from your pain? There's so much context to this, but if anyone can be an ear to listen please feel free to dm me.

To be frank, I did the opposite and got revenge and it helped me see why it wasn't necessary in the first place.

Forget all of the phrases "eye for an eye makes the world blind" & "dig two graves" for a moment. From my experience, people take revenge because we want others to feel how we felt when they wronged us. We want them to understand our pain. But here's the thing, they cannot. Sure you can try to go after them, but they will just know to stay away from you.

So why waste effort into making other people understand you? They don't care regardless. That's why people say to let it go, because they did. Believe me, it is so much harder to do so than saying it. But you will realize that whatever those people have, you don't even want in the first place. Going back to whoever wronged you will not make you happy because you already know what they did made you unhappy.

It won't change much or anything at all.