Hello everyone! This is my first post. I am in my 20s and have struggled with suicidality for most of my life, my first attempt being at 9 years old. It's gotten better and worse, but as I get older and a more mature view on different things, I have even less reasons to live. I am also physically disabled and have experienced crippling, treatment resistant mental illnesses. Medical marijuana is pretty much my only reason to live right now, and something that has helped me stay sane.
Recently graduated college into this crippling economy and job market, I am bordering on homelessness and struggling to remain afloat, even when working full time. I can't afford to eat sometimes. I went through college on scholarships so I am lucky I am not in crippling debt. But I know it will only get worse.
I have always been pretty pessimistic and nihilistic, but always found reasons to keep living. With Trump being in office again, the planet becoming unliveable, and generally struggling to survive, I don't quite see a point in living. My parents are older and blue collar so they have also been struggling financially. I am staying alive for my 18 year old sister with developmental disabilities because I am pretty much her only support system, but she is the only reason I'm still here. If Trump repeals the ACA, I will probably die of my disability anyway because I will not be able to afford care.
I don't have a concrete plan, but I do foresee me making one on or shortly after Inauguration. Things are getting worse and I don't see a point in keeping on. I didn't ask to be here, after all.
I'm conflicted because 1. My sister as I mentioned 2. I help caregive for my grandma with dementia, who is important to me and 3. My job is working with disabled adults and I feel that the work I do is important and they rely on me, even though it doesnt pay the bills. Also because I have attempted before and I am still paying off the hospital bills from that, so if I do it again, it HAS to be foolproof.
In conclusion, though, I have a very philosophical and practical view on suicide. I know it will harm those around me, but I am a firm believer in the right to die, especially because my parents made it clear to me that I was an unwanted pregnancy. My social connections are keeping me afloat but I find that harder and harder to be a reason to live.
Recently graduated college into this crippling economy and job market, I am bordering on homelessness and struggling to remain afloat, even when working full time. I can't afford to eat sometimes. I went through college on scholarships so I am lucky I am not in crippling debt. But I know it will only get worse.
I have always been pretty pessimistic and nihilistic, but always found reasons to keep living. With Trump being in office again, the planet becoming unliveable, and generally struggling to survive, I don't quite see a point in living. My parents are older and blue collar so they have also been struggling financially. I am staying alive for my 18 year old sister with developmental disabilities because I am pretty much her only support system, but she is the only reason I'm still here. If Trump repeals the ACA, I will probably die of my disability anyway because I will not be able to afford care.
I don't have a concrete plan, but I do foresee me making one on or shortly after Inauguration. Things are getting worse and I don't see a point in keeping on. I didn't ask to be here, after all.
I'm conflicted because 1. My sister as I mentioned 2. I help caregive for my grandma with dementia, who is important to me and 3. My job is working with disabled adults and I feel that the work I do is important and they rely on me, even though it doesnt pay the bills. Also because I have attempted before and I am still paying off the hospital bills from that, so if I do it again, it HAS to be foolproof.
In conclusion, though, I have a very philosophical and practical view on suicide. I know it will harm those around me, but I am a firm believer in the right to die, especially because my parents made it clear to me that I was an unwanted pregnancy. My social connections are keeping me afloat but I find that harder and harder to be a reason to live.
