ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 160
TL;DR At the bottom.
For the first 18 years or so of my life I thought I was just simply depressed and suicidal.
That is till I went to the mental hospital for the first time at age 18, and began taking meds there.
At first after going to the mental hospital and taking meds, I felt better than I ever had my whole life. Like I was invincible. Like I had super powers even. And this lasted for about exactly 1 month. Only for once that month was over to become worse than I've ever been. Besides the depression and suicidal thoughts being worse than ever, I also did absurd, reckless things. Like playing with shit (literal poop) in my bath tub, eating shit (also literal poop), and then telling everyone I knew about it (both online and in real life) and losing basically all my friends.
At the time I was taking an anti-depressant (Lexapro) and an anti-psychotic (Abilify). At the time I didn't know for sure. But it was the anti-depressant doing that to me. Anti-depressants are horrible for people for Bipolar, like literally worse than something like crystal meth, heroin, or crack (as you could probably guess from what I wrote). If a Bipolar person IS gonna take them they need to take them alongside something else, a mood stabilizer...which I wasn't given.
The doctors tacked on another anti-psychotic (Latuda) giving me 3 medications total. Eventually all 3 were discontinued because of a combination of not helping and making things worse. Then I was given another anti-psychotic by itself (Invega) which also didn't help with anything. Didn't make me go crazy like the anti-depressant but just made me into a literal zombie who would feel zero pleasure. It was also discontinued.
Then I was given my 2nd anti-depressant (Prozac) all by itself. Knowing what I know about anti-depressants now, unsurprisingly, it also made me go crazy. In a different way than the other time: I took off my swimsuit at the swimming pool becoming naked in the public swimming pool, I was also masturbating under the water inside the swimming pool, I began to throw a lot of stuff out of my third story apartment window, etc. I don't know which was worse between Lexapro and Prozac. Prozac was then discontinued. With the swimming pool situation though luckily the police didn't get involved, somehow, a miracle. Unlike with the future anti-depressant (wait for it).
Then...get this...I was given my THIRD anti-depressent (Effexor XR) all by itself (those doctors need to be fired). This one somehow worse than Lexapro and Prozac combined, if that were possible. Breaking, destroying stuff in my apartment, out in public. Making death threats (both online and in real life), getting violent with people, getting violent with my parents who I live with, etc. Lost literally all my friends (yet again). Several people called the police on me in the very same day (including my parents). Then I was peeing and shitting all over myself, couldn't hold bodily functions in. At the mental hospital I was also violent with people. Had to get a needle shot (sedative/tranquilizer inside I think), put in seclusion, etc.
And before you say something like "that was all your choice to do those things" in reference to the stuff I did while on the anti-depressants (Lexapro, Prozac, and Effexor XR) it's something that's almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it BUT I basically wasn't in control of my body. It quite literally felt like I was watching myself in third person. I was 100% aware of what was happening but wasn't in control at all. And then when the episodes were over it felt like I was paying for someone else's crimes while they temporarily possessed my body.
But anyway, so that's 6 medications tried, 3 anti-depressants, all absolutely terrible. The anti-psychotics at least were nowhere close as bad as the anti-depressants, though were still really bad.
And it was only after THREE anti-depressants that I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar at age 20 (those doctors took WAY too long).
Then I was put on the medications I'm on now, 2 mood stabilizers (Lamotrigine and Lithium), a sleep aid for severe insomnia (Trazodone, technically an anti-depressant but different from the others ones AND I'm taking it with 2 mood stabilizers), an ADHD medication (Guanfacine), and lastly a medication to help with anger problems and anxiety (Hydroxyzine), so 5 medications total currently. And before these there were the aforementioned 6 really bad ones, so I've tried 11 total.
My current 5 medications are pretty good I'd say. They don't make me wanna live (nothing will, probably) but at the very least they prevent the Bipolar psychotic manic episodes, help me go to sleep nicely, and allow me to feel pleasure. Overall I can't complain.
My reasons for wanting to die are also logical beyond just emotionally, a part of my philosophy, so no medication can help with that. Reasons like the world is inherently shitty, much more bad than good if you combine the two together, most people (including the average person) being basically monsters, etc, but I won't get into that in this post since it's already a really long post.
But yeah. Basically I found out I was Bipolar psychotic due to really bad experiences with anti-depressants starting at age 18.
TL;DR So basically for the first 18 years or so of my life I thought I was just simply depressed and suicidal. However at age 18 I went to the mental hospital and took meds there. And after many, many horrible experiences with several anti-depressants where I basically went completely crazy I found out I was Bipolar psychotic and needed mood stabilizers instead.
For the first 18 years or so of my life I thought I was just simply depressed and suicidal.
That is till I went to the mental hospital for the first time at age 18, and began taking meds there.
At first after going to the mental hospital and taking meds, I felt better than I ever had my whole life. Like I was invincible. Like I had super powers even. And this lasted for about exactly 1 month. Only for once that month was over to become worse than I've ever been. Besides the depression and suicidal thoughts being worse than ever, I also did absurd, reckless things. Like playing with shit (literal poop) in my bath tub, eating shit (also literal poop), and then telling everyone I knew about it (both online and in real life) and losing basically all my friends.
At the time I was taking an anti-depressant (Lexapro) and an anti-psychotic (Abilify). At the time I didn't know for sure. But it was the anti-depressant doing that to me. Anti-depressants are horrible for people for Bipolar, like literally worse than something like crystal meth, heroin, or crack (as you could probably guess from what I wrote). If a Bipolar person IS gonna take them they need to take them alongside something else, a mood stabilizer...which I wasn't given.
The doctors tacked on another anti-psychotic (Latuda) giving me 3 medications total. Eventually all 3 were discontinued because of a combination of not helping and making things worse. Then I was given another anti-psychotic by itself (Invega) which also didn't help with anything. Didn't make me go crazy like the anti-depressant but just made me into a literal zombie who would feel zero pleasure. It was also discontinued.
Then I was given my 2nd anti-depressant (Prozac) all by itself. Knowing what I know about anti-depressants now, unsurprisingly, it also made me go crazy. In a different way than the other time: I took off my swimsuit at the swimming pool becoming naked in the public swimming pool, I was also masturbating under the water inside the swimming pool, I began to throw a lot of stuff out of my third story apartment window, etc. I don't know which was worse between Lexapro and Prozac. Prozac was then discontinued. With the swimming pool situation though luckily the police didn't get involved, somehow, a miracle. Unlike with the future anti-depressant (wait for it).
Then...get this...I was given my THIRD anti-depressent (Effexor XR) all by itself (those doctors need to be fired). This one somehow worse than Lexapro and Prozac combined, if that were possible. Breaking, destroying stuff in my apartment, out in public. Making death threats (both online and in real life), getting violent with people, getting violent with my parents who I live with, etc. Lost literally all my friends (yet again). Several people called the police on me in the very same day (including my parents). Then I was peeing and shitting all over myself, couldn't hold bodily functions in. At the mental hospital I was also violent with people. Had to get a needle shot (sedative/tranquilizer inside I think), put in seclusion, etc.
And before you say something like "that was all your choice to do those things" in reference to the stuff I did while on the anti-depressants (Lexapro, Prozac, and Effexor XR) it's something that's almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it BUT I basically wasn't in control of my body. It quite literally felt like I was watching myself in third person. I was 100% aware of what was happening but wasn't in control at all. And then when the episodes were over it felt like I was paying for someone else's crimes while they temporarily possessed my body.
But anyway, so that's 6 medications tried, 3 anti-depressants, all absolutely terrible. The anti-psychotics at least were nowhere close as bad as the anti-depressants, though were still really bad.
And it was only after THREE anti-depressants that I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar at age 20 (those doctors took WAY too long).
Then I was put on the medications I'm on now, 2 mood stabilizers (Lamotrigine and Lithium), a sleep aid for severe insomnia (Trazodone, technically an anti-depressant but different from the others ones AND I'm taking it with 2 mood stabilizers), an ADHD medication (Guanfacine), and lastly a medication to help with anger problems and anxiety (Hydroxyzine), so 5 medications total currently. And before these there were the aforementioned 6 really bad ones, so I've tried 11 total.
My current 5 medications are pretty good I'd say. They don't make me wanna live (nothing will, probably) but at the very least they prevent the Bipolar psychotic manic episodes, help me go to sleep nicely, and allow me to feel pleasure. Overall I can't complain.
My reasons for wanting to die are also logical beyond just emotionally, a part of my philosophy, so no medication can help with that. Reasons like the world is inherently shitty, much more bad than good if you combine the two together, most people (including the average person) being basically monsters, etc, but I won't get into that in this post since it's already a really long post.
But yeah. Basically I found out I was Bipolar psychotic due to really bad experiences with anti-depressants starting at age 18.
TL;DR So basically for the first 18 years or so of my life I thought I was just simply depressed and suicidal. However at age 18 I went to the mental hospital and took meds there. And after many, many horrible experiences with several anti-depressants where I basically went completely crazy I found out I was Bipolar psychotic and needed mood stabilizers instead.
