Discussion Using my planned CTB date to help me cope.

[isthisforreal]

Hello, I am a new user, I have been scrolling for a bit today and I I had a brief scroll through the threads on the suicide discussion section and couldn't really find anything on this, but I saw this short film a while ago about a man who uses the fact that he plans to kill himself as a way of coping with the day-to-day life he has. In the film, it shows how sometimes he will have a nice experience and extended his death date a little longer. I think I am falling into a position where I start to feel like this. My feelings towards dying is that I don't really want to do it, but I also don't see any possible way that I can continue to live as the person I am, and without getting into too many details for now because that is not the subject of this thread, I have decided the only way I can fix the situations I have created is to CTB.

I just wanted to ask if anybody else has any experience like this? I appreciate any and every person who may share their experience, and I will also browse more threads to see if there is discussion of this. But yeah, does anybody use their CTB date as a way to cope with what is going on right now? How do you manage this experience if you do? Do you find that the idea of being dead soon allows you to be more care-free?

So yeah I just thought I would make this post to perhaps ask and open a discussion on this topic. Thank you for reading and to anybody who interacts!

 

[isthisforreal]

Just wanted to share a bit about my own experience first in case anybody was reading this and wanted to get some insight for themselves too or perhaps wasn't sure what to write if they did want to interact with this. I just wanted to say that my own experience is that very recently I planned a date about 2 months away and I have given myself that time to start preparing and also it helps me feel much more at peace in a way, but I don't really know how to describe it. It feels like I can be more care-free because I know that I won't have to care at all soon. There is also this sense, kind of like in the short film I mentioned, that whatever I do might be the last one I ever do, so it makes it seem more appealing and more worth doing. I don't know how this will affect my plans to CTB if at all and I am interested to hear from other people. That being said, I don't know how other people are though, if it maybe makes them more anxious instead or something, or if they are more aware of the ways in which it helps them feel better. I was hoping to get some insight into how other people see this and perhaps implement that into my life as well, but I thought also sharing my experience would help both me and maybe other users.

 

[Scythe]

I've done this before, and I'm sort of doing it right now just to a lesser degree. So when I was more depressed a few years back I would tell myself everything would be over soon and because of that things don't matter. Though I mostly used it to motivate myself to do things because if I don't do it now, I might just never be able to.
Then my life got better, but I still have issues that I don't want to deal with for the rest of my life and can't fix easily. So I would still tell myself, it's okay, it'll be over soon.
I never really give myself extentions if I have a good day, I did give myself the possibility of an extension because there's things I want to do that I might not have time for.
TBH I don't really want to die either, I just rather die than submit myself to working. There's a few very specfic job options I accept but the chances of those are extremely low. Just how it is when captailism runs rampant.

 

[chemicalburns]

Sometimes I feel like that
"Just a few more months"
And it makes me feel better
Knowing the time I have here is short makes the time I spend with my friends feel more meaningful

 

[isthisforreal]

I've done this before, and I'm sort of doing it right now just to a lesser degree. So when I was more depressed a few years back I would tell myself everything would be over soon and because of that things don't matter. Though I mostly used it to motivate myself to do things because if I don't do it now, I might just never be able to.
Then my life got better, but I still have issues that I don't want to deal with for the rest of my life and can't fix easily. So I would still tell myself, it's okay, it'll be over soon.
I never really give myself extentions if I have a good day, I did give myself the possibility of an extension because there's things I want to do that I might not have time for.
TBH I don't really want to die either, I just rather die than submit myself to working. There's a few very specfic job options I accept but the chances of those are extremely low. Just how it is when captailism runs rampant.

this is so insightful thank you! i am so sorry this is true capitalism in these stages is so good at destroying lives and dreams :(
i think i am similar in using it to motivate myself to do things because like you said if i don't do it now i might never be able to, and also it might be the last so why not try it and enjoy it?
i hope this continues to help you be more at peace and i hope you can get to your dreams in jobs, whatever though i wish you happiness and comfort, thank you for your reply!

Sometimes I feel like that
"Just a few more months"
And it makes me feel better
Knowing the time I have here is short makes the time I spend with my friends feel more meaningful

I understand this, I think I am trying to tell myself this too. Sometimes I definitely struggle to tell myself that though and I let myself get overwhelmed and more depressed again, and I don't really know how to get around this, I think in my heart I am still quite scared, like Scythe said I don't really want to die, it is just the better option for me.
When I do tell myself that I find things become so much easier and it makes me enjoy and appreciate the time I have, even if it is doing something I would usually find painful, but definitely if it is something sweet like spending time with my friends and family.

 

[thereisnoneed]

Nietzsche — 'The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.'

 

[isthisforreal]

Just wanted to add in case anybody returns or just comes by this thread, and also ask a question. I am still honestly quite terrified of actually dying, but I fear that the need for my death is much more urgent than I would like it to be. I am considering already buying the things I need to actually do it, which I did not plan to do for a while yet. I thought that buying the actual things would make me more at peace, kind of like we discussed here in the thread and how therisnoneed summed up perfectly with the Nietzsche quote.

Nietzsche — 'The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.'

I find though that this action of buying the materials actually scares me more instead of comforting me more, I wonder why, perhaps it makes it more real which scares me because still I am not really ready? Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts and also ask if anybody else has felt similar or different to me if they are also in a situation where they are buying the things they need?

Edit - reformatted and added the quote

 

[TAW122]

I had a similar experience too back in 2019 or so. I literally planned my CTB details to an exact time and date, the circumstance, the method, location, and all that to even the most minute detail. I was able to cope knowing that I accepted CTB as an option (if things went to shit in early 2019), and more importantly, having the means to execute and see through the attempt. Of course, things turned for the better in 2019 (before the pandemic of course) and somehow I coped through 2019..

 

[secretghost]

Hello, I am a new user, I have been scrolling for a bit today and I I had a brief scroll through the threads on the suicide discussion section and couldn't really find anything on this, but I saw this short film a while ago about a man who uses the fact that he plans to kill himself as a way of coping with the day-to-day life he has. In the film, it shows how sometimes he will have a nice experience and extended his death date a little longer. I think I am falling into a position where I start to feel like this. My feelings towards dying is that I don't really want to do it, but I also don't see any possible way that I can continue to live as the person I am, and without getting into too many details for now because that is not the subject of this thread, I have decided the only way I can fix the situations I have created is to CTB.

I just wanted to ask if anybody else has any experience like this? I appreciate any and every person who may share their experience, and I will also browse more threads to see if there is discussion of this. But yeah, does anybody use their CTB date as a way to cope with what is going on right now? How do you manage this experience if you do? Do you find that the idea of being dead soon allows you to be more care-free?

So yeah I just thought I would make this post to perhaps ask and open a discussion on this topic. Thank you for reading and to anybody who interacts!

I did it on and off for years knowing it was just a practice to help me cope and then I stopped letting myself do that for a few years because I thought it was unhealthy... Then life got stressful and the next time I played that game, I ended up with a real plan to catch the bus. I have about two weeks left and I feel lighter for sure. If something happens and I have to move my date, I already have everything prepared so it feels like having a ride scheduled. No worries. That's my experience. It sounds to me that maybe you're not fully ready to CTB and that's okay, the bus isn't going anywhere and if it helps you to pretend, those are very real weeks, months, or even years you won the struggle. I got extra entire years I cherished and met people I never would have known by postponing. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[isthisforreal]

I had a similar experience too back in 2019 or so. I literally planned my CTB details to an exact time and date, the circumstance, the method, location, and all that to even the most minute detail. I was able to cope knowing that I accepted CTB as an option (if things went to shit in early 2019), and more importantly, having the means to execute and see through the attempt. Of course, things turned for the better in 2019 (before the pandemic of course) and somehow I coped through 2019..

this is very powerful and also very insightful, thank you so much for sharing your experience! i think i understand what you mean in that having the ability and option to do it is quite freeing. i am so glad that things did turn for the better for you and that you were able to find such comfort when things were getting bad before. thank you so much for sharing! i think your colourful quotation at the end perfectly encapsulates this!

i think that maybe i still have some issues in actually taking the steps towards putting myself in a position where i could CTB, so maybe if i am able to overcome this it would be something that would be quite beneficial for me, as i think not all hope is lost, it just certainly feels like that! and having the escape route for if it does end up being lost would make getting through things a lot easier. i feel like this resonates with what you said somewhat? so thank you so much again for sharing!

I did it on and off for years knowing it was just a practice to help me cope and then I stopped letting myself do that for a few years because I thought it was unhealthy... Then life got stressful and the next time I played that game, I ended up with a real plan to catch the bus. I have about two weeks left and I feel lighter for sure. If something happens and I have to move my date, I already have everything prepared so it feels like having a ride scheduled. No worries. That's my experience. It sounds to me that maybe you're not fully ready to CTB and that's okay, the bus isn't going anywhere and if it helps you to pretend, those are very real weeks, months, or even years you won the struggle. I got extra entire years I cherished and met people I never would have known by postponing. Be gentle with yourself.

i'm really glad to hear about your positive experiences, and i really hope that in the next two weeks and maybe even beyond, that you are able to find more of those experiences! thank you so much for sharing your experience! and regardless i just wish you peace, please also be gentle and caring with yourself, and i appreciate you wishing me the same. do you think the first time you played that game for all those years that you were really ready to CTB? i think you are right when you say that i am not fully ready to CTB, in fact i think i still do definitely want to live, it just feels like i can't/shouldn't - this is why i thought about this idea of having it there as an option, to make it easier to survive at least for a bit, but then also to be able to do it if i ever actually need to.

thank you so much again for sharing your experience, and i wish you peace and happiness on your own journey. i will keep following mine and take on board the things you have all shared so kindly, i really appreciate you sharing your experiences and it is valued. whatever you are going through, i hope that you are still able to find positive experiences in the midst of all of it, much like you were able to before through your postponing. be gentle to yourself too

 

[secretghost]

this is very powerful and also very insightful, thank you so much for sharing your experience! i think i understand what you mean in that having the ability and option to do it is quite freeing. i am so glad that things did turn for the better for you and that you were able to find such comfort when things were getting bad before. thank you so much for sharing! i think your colourful quotation at the end perfectly encapsulates this!

i think that maybe i still have some issues in actually taking the steps towards putting myself in a position where i could CTB, so maybe if i am able to overcome this it would be something that would be quite beneficial for me, as i think not all hope is lost, it just certainly feels like that! and having the escape route for if it does end up being lost would make getting through things a lot easier. i feel like this resonates with what you said somewhat? so thank you so much again for sharing!

i'm really glad to hear about your positive experiences, and i really hope that in the next two weeks and maybe even beyond, that you are able to find more of those experiences! thank you so much for sharing your experience! and regardless i just wish you peace, please also be gentle and caring with yourself, and i appreciate you wishing me the same. do you think the first time you played that game for all those years that you were really ready to CTB? i think you are right when you say that i am not fully ready to CTB, in fact i think i still do definitely want to live, it just feels like i can't/shouldn't - this is why i thought about this idea of having it there as an option, to make it easier to survive at least for a bit, but then also to be able to do it if i ever actually need to.

thank you so much again for sharing your experience, and i wish you peace and happiness on your own journey. i will keep following mine and take on board the things you have all shared so kindly, i really appreciate you sharing your experiences and it is valued. whatever you are going through, i hope that you are still able to find positive experiences in the midst of all of it, much like you were able to before through your postponing. be gentle to yourself too

Hi, I somehow didn't see that you replied!! I'm really happy to talk more about it because honestly I have a tonnnn of kind of personal tricks experience to get through through that zone. The first three or four times I played that game, I knew deep down I was not ready so it felt fun and dangerous but real enough to give me some relief. I think each time I played that game at a different point in my life it meant something different to me and was probably a response to a specific emotional stage of processing life that I couldn't ever quite identify-- but for example, at 19 years old in college the method itself and the things which I was preoccupied thinking about and prepping were totally different than the next time when I was 21, etc. I just had my last birthday. It feels very different now but I think the game helped me get through for so many years that I am happy I managed to hold on through. It felt different. I also coped and mentally postponed between fake suicide dates by constantly reminding myself that literally the SINGULAR thing in life you can count on is that you WILL die, whether you end up catching the bus or a bus takes you out tomorrow by accident or you make it to 79 and gray. You can always let yourself believe that you can later catch the bus, if it gets you through life-time that has an value to you. I hope that didn't come out nonsensically. I'm a little drunk, it's been a lot of celebration this past few days for me!!