Venting Utter despair and hopelessness

[Insomniac Butterfly]

Just messy words and thoughts that probably make no sense. you can laugh at me since I'm showcasing how much of a joke I am, but please do so without my knowledge, if you would.
I don't even know how to talk properly anymore, or how to phrase things right like a real person would.
I struggle with ASD, BPD, and agoraphobia.
I feel so hopeless, nor am I sure if any amount of context would or could explain the blob that is me.
I cry hours every single day. I can't leave my house. I can't express myself. I have no one. my family treats me like a bird in a cage. they feed me and give me a home, but just leave me in the cage to my own devices. Being perceived makes me feel like im a puppet on strings. i get stilted, trip over myself, lose the ability to think and speak properly. i cant be real with people because i can't open the door to being judged. Even worse, my body likes to act on its own and says and does the opposite of what i want to hide my feelings.
I've tried for so many years to gain control, but it's just not happening. I only ever lose more, and the fact I have none is something i've tried so hard to ignore.

i dont know.

I quit my job in december because I can't handle it anymore. I've always wanted to die, but now more than ever. All I do is bedrot and cry. weed isnt making me feel anything anymore, and i just cant seem to get drunk enough or maybe im just too disconnected to feel it. im such a useless burden leech.

I've tried to not end things, but these manic episodes don't stop, and the past weeks they've been daily. I keep trying to break into the gun safe at home where we have a double barrel. i get sick and nauseous thinking about it, but i cant stop trying. The safe will not open. ive ransacked my parents house multiple times looking for the keys. i feel disgusting going through all their stuff when theyre not home, but i just tell myself i have to. i cant find the keys. ive tried breaking into the safe many times. its not opening. its driving me insane i can see the barrel through the slightly ajar door ive managed to pry, but cant break the locking mechanism open.

im so fucked and trapped. i cant die without pain. the only way would be with my knife but i cant do that i dont want to hurt more i just want it to be over its never over it keeps going on and on i cant keep living this every single day.

i cant leave home i cant drive theres nowheere i could possibly get the things i need to exit.

idont know.

i want to believe the genuineness of my tears would magically make me disappear from history but every day I still wake up.
I'm unfit for this world. I can't succeed at anything, not even in dying. So i just will lie down on the floor and cry a little more, basking in how pathetic I am.
I'm sorry if anyone read this.

 

[R. A.]

no need to apologize for who you are; you didn't choose this life.
sorry you are hurting. this place has mostly nice people, many of whom are in similar boats.
i hope you find some small comfort here

 

[Rust]

My condolences for everything you're experiencing. I've suffered from what I believe was agoraphobia, and it's completely debilitating. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten to a point where I'm functional with it. I guess my point is that things can improve on the agoraphobia front.

If you're interested, there's a book called "Practical Lock Picking" that may help with that safe. Chapter 1 should tell you the important bits. Alternatively, I believe there are a ton of YouTube videos on the topic. You can also probably order lock picks online if you need them. Last time I ordered, the description of the parcel said they were screwdrivers.

Another approach could maybe be to search the model / make of the safe for trivial bypasses. Sometimes you just smack the roof of those things and they open.

I'm not trying to encourage you to CTB btw. I'm just mentioning the above to give you options. But if you do stick around, I believe you'll find decent people here who won't judge you. I hope things improve for the better.

 

[enough of this]

Just messy words and thoughts that probably make no sense. you can laugh at me since I'm showcasing how much of a joke I am, but please do so without my knowledge, if you would.
I don't even know how to talk properly anymore, or how to phrase things right like a real person would.
I struggle with ASD, BPD, and agoraphobia.
I feel so hopeless, nor am I sure if any amount of context would or could explain the blob that is me.
I cry hours every single day. I can't leave my house. I can't express myself. I have no one. my family treats me like a bird in a cage. they feed me and give me a home, but just leave me in the cage to my own devices. Being perceived makes me feel like im a puppet on strings. i get stilted, trip over myself, lose the ability to think and speak properly. i cant be real with people because i can't open the door to being judged. Even worse, my body likes to act on its own and says and does the opposite of what i want to hide my feelings.
I've tried for so many years to gain control, but it's just not happening. I only ever lose more, and the fact I have none is something i've tried so hard to ignore.

i dont know.

I quit my job in december because I can't handle it anymore. I've always wanted to die, but now more than ever. All I do is bedrot and cry. weed isnt making me feel anything anymore, and i just cant seem to get drunk enough or maybe im just too disconnected to feel it. im such a useless burden leech.

I've tried to not end things, but these manic episodes don't stop, and the past weeks they've been daily. I keep trying to break into the gun safe at home where we have a double barrel. i get sick and nauseous thinking about it, but i cant stop trying. The safe will not open. ive ransacked my parents house multiple times looking for the keys. i feel disgusting going through all their stuff when theyre not home, but i just tell myself i have to. i cant find the keys. ive tried breaking into the safe many times. its not opening. its driving me insane i can see the barrel through the slightly ajar door ive managed to pry, but cant break the locking mechanism open.

im so fucked and trapped. i cant die without pain. the only way would be with my knife but i cant do that i dont want to hurt more i just want it to be over its never over it keeps going on and on i cant keep living this every single day.

i cant leave home i cant drive theres nowheere i could possibly get the things i need to exit.

idont know.

i want to believe the genuineness of my tears would magically make me disappear from history but every day I still wake up.
I'm unfit for this world. I can't succeed at anything, not even in dying. So i just will lie down on the floor and cry a little more, basking in how pathetic I am.
I'm sorry if anyone read this.

Please don't be sorry that anyone read this. I wanted to read it. I resonate with everything you've said, and it gives me a feeling of connection with you. It actually makes me feel less lonely, knowing there's someone else who feels the way I have for so long. I'm sorry you have such pain in your life. If you ever would want to talk, please know I'm here to listen. I haven't been checking this site for messages lately, but I will just in the event you might want to connect with me. You can know you are not alone with this. And, that there are people who truly love you. I wish I could be with you right now to give you a big, long hug, if that would be alright with you. I could use one, myself.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

no need to apologize for who you are; you didn't choose this life.
sorry you are hurting. this place has mostly nice people, many of whom are in similar boats.
i hope you find some small comfort here

I appreciate the kind words. Bless you.

My condolences for everything you're experiencing. I've suffered from what I believe was agoraphobia, and it's completely debilitating. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten to a point where I'm functional with it. I guess my point is that things can improve on the agoraphobia front.

If you're interested, there's a book called "Practical Lock Picking" that may help with that safe. Chapter 1 should tell you the important bits. Alternatively, I believe there are a ton of YouTube videos on the topic. You can also probably order lock picks online if you need them. Last time I ordered, the description of the parcel said they were screwdrivers.

Another approach could maybe be to search the model / make of the safe for trivial bypasses. Sometimes you just smack the roof of those things and they open.

I'm not trying to encourage you to CTB btw. I'm just mentioning the above to give you options. But if you do stick around, I believe you'll find decent people here who won't judge you. I hope things improve for the better.

My condolences for everything you're experiencing. I've suffered from what I believe was agoraphobia, and it's completely debilitating. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten to a point where I'm functional with it. I guess my point is that things can improve on the agoraphobia front.

If you're interested, there's a book called "Practical Lock Picking" that may help with that safe. Chapter 1 should tell you the important bits. Alternatively, I believe there are a ton of YouTube videos on the topic. You can also probably order lock picks online if you need them. Last time I ordered, the description of the parcel said they were screwdrivers.

Another approach could maybe be to search the model / make of the safe for trivial bypasses. Sometimes you just smack the roof of those things and they open.

I'm not trying to encourage you to CTB btw. I'm just mentioning the above to give you options. But if you do stick around, I believe you'll find decent people here who won't judge you. I hope things improve for the better.

It's genuinely heartwarming to see you've made some headway against your own turmoil and troubles.
I've been unable to find the exact model of safe online no matter what i search, nor do tricks to open similiar ones seem to work.
lockpicking wasnt even something i considered, like a dummy. I will look into ordering some that would work on this lock type when i get more energy. Today's been beyond exhausting.
Thank you for not encouraging me or dissuading me from doing anything.
It's encouraging to hear there are good hearted people around.
Also, thank you for your eloquent reply and time.

Please don't be sorry that anyone read this. I wanted to read it. I resonate with everything you've said, and it gives me a feeling of connection with you. It actually makes me feel less lonely, knowing there's someone else who feels the way I have for so long. I'm sorry you have such pain in your life. If you ever would want to talk, please know I'm here to listen. I haven't been checking this site for messages lately, but I will just in the event you might want to connect with me. You can know you are not alone with this. And, that there are people who truly love you. I wish I could be with you right now to give you a big, long hug, if that would be alright with you. I could use one, myself.

It's beyond sweet of you to say all this. I'm not sure how anyone could resonate with such fragmented messy thoughts.
I'm sorry you've been going through hell yourself. Everything feels like a bad murky dream.
I do want human connection, but it's terrifying and always leaves me feeling worse after I try to reach out.
I wish I could have friends, but I just know I have much too many issues, and them coming out on others makes me feel the worst.
I wish I could be there for others, but I don't even know how to coexist without panicking and disappearing back into my own misery.

Bless you. Thank you for saying this. You seem to have a very good heart :( <3

 

[enough of this]

I appreciate the kind words. Bless you.



It's genuinely heartwarming to see you've made some headway against your own turmoil and troubles.
I've been unable to find the exact model of safe online no matter what i search, nor do tricks to open similiar ones seem to work.
lockpicking wasnt even something i considered, like a dummy. I will look into ordering some that would work on this lock type when i get more energy. Today's been beyond exhausting.
Thank you for not encouraging me or dissuading me from doing anything.
It's encouraging to hear there are good hearted people around.
Also, thank you for your eloquent reply and time.

It's beyond sweet of you to say all this. I'm not sure how anyone could resonate with such fragmented messy thoughts.
I'm sorry you've been going through hell yourself. Everything feels like a bad murky dream.
I do want human connection, but it's terrifying and always leaves me feeling worse after I try to reach out.
I wish I could have friends, but I just know I have much too many issues, and them coming out on others makes me feel the worst.
I wish I could be there for others, but I don't even know how to coexist without panicking and disappearing back into my own misery.

Bless you. Thank you for saying this. You seem to have a very good heart :( <3

I appreciate the kind words. Bless you.



It's genuinely heartwarming to see you've made some headway against your own turmoil and troubles.
I've been unable to find the exact model of safe online no matter what i search, nor do tricks to open similiar ones seem to work.
lockpicking wasnt even something i considered, like a dummy. I will look into ordering some that would work on this lock type when i get more energy. Today's been beyond exhausting.
Thank you for not encouraging me or dissuading me from doing anything.
It's encouraging to hear there are good hearted people around.
Also, thank you for your eloquent reply and time.

It's beyond sweet of you to say all this. I'm not sure how anyone could resonate with such fragmented messy thoughts.
I'm sorry you've been going through hell yourself. Everything feels like a bad murky dream.
I do want human connection, but it's terrifying and always leaves me feeling worse after I try to reach out.
I wish I could have friends, but I just know I have much too many issues, and them coming out on others makes me feel the worst.
I wish I could be there for others, but I don't even know how to coexist without panicking and disappearing back into my own misery.

Bless you. Thank you for saying this. You seem to have a very good heart :( <3

I don't see your thoughts as fragmented and messy. They make perfect sense to me.
Yes, so much of what we're going though DOES seem like a bad, murky dream. And, you CAN have human connection, even though.
Reaching out may not always leave you feeling worse. I'm inviting you to reach out to me and see how it feels.
I may not always know what to say, but I can always let you know that, and let you know I truly care.
I don't think anyone has too many issues to have friends. With me, anytime you feel the need to disappear back into whatever is familiar to you, that's fine. I have no judgment about that.

Thank you for your kind words to me. The "very good heart" is yours. And, it pleases me that you see some of that in me.
Thank you. ♥

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

I don't see your thoughts as fragmented and messy. They make perfect sense to me.
Yes, so much of what we're going though DOES seem like a bad, murky dream. And, you CAN have human connection, even though.
Reaching out may not always leave you feeling worse. I'm inviting you to reach out to me and see how it feels.
I may not always know what to say, but I can always let you know that, and let you know I truly care.
I don't think anyone has too many issues to have friends. With me, anytime you feel the need to disappear back into whatever is familiar to you, that's fine. I have no judgment about that.

Thank you for your kind words to me. The "very good heart" is yours. And, it pleases me that you see some of that in me.
Thank you. ♥

I'm not sure how to even message people on here.
I don't even know what I could say at this point. I need connection, yes, but I truly am nothing beyond my illnesses and bad feelings.
What I'm trying to say is even though I want to, I have nothing to say because I am just not a person. I don't have to work, solve problems, deal with people, or fight for my necessities, nor do I have any interests or things I do to pass the time other than crying and listening to music while lying in bed. I'm a dull shapeless being with nothing to contribute all while crying for closeness and warmth. That's at least how it feels to me.
How could anyone hope to communicate with me, do you think? How could I even communicate back?
I'm not sure there even is an answer, but maybe you have an opinion to share. If not that's okay too.
Thank you again

 

[Rust]

I'm not sure how to even message people on here.

Hope it's alright if I answer this, but I think you need to have 10 posts to unlock private messaging. Truthfully, I've never use the feature myself though.

How could anyone hope to communicate with me, do you think? How could I even communicate back?
I'm not sure there even is an answer, but maybe you have an opinion to share. If not that's okay too.

Also hope it's alright if I give my take as well :)

Personally for me, it depends on the person I'm talking to. There is a bit of a disconnect when I'm talking to more neurotypical people. I can fake parts of a conversation, but nothing of value returns unless they understand and accept my odd behaviors. If they do that, then they will more often than not carry the conversation and I get to listen. I don't have to talk about myself or my lack of hobbies. They might introduce me to some topic and then in future conversations, we have something to talk about. That's at least my limited experience with what I'd consider to be people with more normal backgrounds.

I haven't spoken directly to other members here, but I assume people here will be more understanding and hopefully won't have expectations of you going into a conversation. But I think I'd rather leave that judgement to someone more social than myself.

lockpicking wasnt even something i considered, like a dummy. I will look into ordering some that would work on this lock type when i get more energy. Today's been beyond exhausting.

I tend to over-rationalise things, but I think lock picking isn't seen as a trivial thing, hence why it doesn't come to mind as an option immediately. To be fair, it could be difficult, but that fully depends on the lock used. Then there's the fact that you actually need lock picks to begin with. So I think over-looking this isn't something unexpected, but rather rational. That's my way of thinking about it at least.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

Hope it's alright if I answer this, but I think you need to have 10 posts to unlock private messaging. Truthfully, I've never use the feature myself though.


Also hope it's alright if I give my take as well :)

Personally for me, it depends on the person I'm talking to. There is a bit of a disconnect when I'm talking to more neurotypical people. I can fake parts of a conversation, but nothing of value returns unless they understand and accept my odd behaviors. If they do that, then they will more often than not carry the conversation and I get to listen. I don't have to talk about myself or my lack of hobbies. They might introduce me to some topic and then in future conversations, we have something to talk about. That's at least my limited experience with what I'd consider to be people with more normal backgrounds.

I haven't spoken directly to other members here, but I assume people here will be more understanding and hopefully won't have expectations of you going into a conversation. But I think I'd rather leave that judgement to someone more social than myself.


I tend to over-rationalise things, but I think lock picking isn't seen as a trivial thing, hence why it doesn't come to mind as an option immediately. To be fair, it could be difficult, but that fully depends on the lock used. Then there's the fact that you actually need lock picks to begin with. So I think over-looking this isn't something unexpected, but rather rational. That's my way of thinking about it at least.

I really appreciate your input.

I tried coming up with a kind and nicely worded reply, but all that I seem to write are strings of words pitying myself.

The lock probably will be weird to pick since it's circular, but from what ive heard, basically any normal lock can be picked, if you do it right.

I cannot believe everything has come to this. It's somehow all real.
I wish there was a way to die softly. im scared. Maybe i am going to be in excruciating pain. Maybe It won't be quick. Maybe hell is real, and I will be right back in this bedroom as my own purgatory when it all goes black. I'm sorry..

 

[fishygirl]

i relate to you so much.. especially the bird cage, and quitting your job... i quit mine as well about 3 months ago.

if you google a name/logo on the safe, you can find the manufacturer- and order a new set of keys.

best of luck ...♡

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

i relate to you so much.. especially the bird cage, and quitting your job... i quit mine as well about 3 months ago.

if you google a name/logo on the safe, you can find the manufacturer- and order a new set of keys.

best of luck ...♡

I'm so sorry you're going through so much turmoil as well..
This isn't a bad idea either. I'll do some more digging.
Wishing for us peace; however that comes.

 

[Blank_]

my family treats me like a bird in a cage. they feed me and give me a home, but just leave me in the cage to my own devices. Being perceived makes me feel like im a puppet on strings. i get stilted, trip over myself, lose the ability to think and speak properly. i cant be real with people because i can't open the door to being judged. Even worse, my body likes to act on its own and says and does the opposite of what i want to hide my feelings.

What I'm trying to say is even though I want to, I have nothing to say because I am just not a person.

How could anyone hope to communicate with me, do you think? How could I even communicate back?

Reading this thread almost made me tear up. A lot of the things you've mentioned are very relatable to me. I really wish I could promise you that things will change or get better. I really wish someone could promise me, too.

Like @R. A. said, no need to apologize for who you are. If nothing else, you deserve the comfort of feeling like a real person, worthy of empathy and love. And even if we won't be here to see it, I hope that at least in the future there will be a place in this world for all the people who feel the same way we do now.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

Reading this thread almost made me tear up. A lot of the things you've mentioned are very relatable to me. I really wish I could promise you that things will change or get better. I really wish someone could promise me, too.

Like @R. A. said, no need to apologize for who you are. If nothing else, you deserve the comfort of feeling like a real person, worthy of empathy and love. And even if we won't be here to see it, I hope that at least in the future there will be a place in this world for all the people who feel the same way we do now.

It's heartbreaking that you can relate in any form. I wish sweet little promises, even if delusional, would be enough for either of us.
Thank you for your reassurances, kind words, and time. At the very least I am so grateful to everyone here so far that I've received a response from. I don't get taken seriously often, and it has been a comfort for me. Bless you.