nikoltine
New Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 1
Okay so this is my first post here and I just need to let it out. I've been struggling with a lot mentally for awhile now. I've had some relapses recently where I have self harmed and it's just been getting worse over time. I never saw myself as a self harm user. I always chose to be silent when dealing with my mental health but it was until recently where I've just spiked and it's been bad. I have a business and it's really stressful. It has definitely taken a lot of my personal life and goals away from me. Due to it being a family thing, I cannot escape it no matter what I do. My family already doesn't really care about mental health or anything that comes with emotions. My mom cannot express emotions and would never give me that simple "i love you" to me or my siblings. No matter what, I'm always being compared to others and it's horrible.
As for my dad, he works nonstop and has zero value for his family and thinks that money and giving me gifts will make me feel better. As a kid it did don't get me wrong. I loved getting toys and new clothes but now that I'm older and realize that money doesn't actually equal happiness, It has left me numb and alone. In a relationship it has really taken a toll on me. I've been dating my partner now for 2 years and about 8 months now. It has been a roller coaster for sure and I have been struggling with depression and body dysmorphia for a long time. I have tried to OD before in 2020 during the pandemic due to feeling lonely but instead it made it worse cause the first time I opened up, I was practically taken away from my home and my parents blamed me and said I was stupid for feeling that way.
Getting into a relationship was hard cause I never experienced love or knew how to give someone love. He is sweet and I really thought everything was going good until yesterday. Since we own a business there's gonna be a lot of workers. My boyfriend works with me and I am of course a manager there. There are hosts and I won't lie, they're very pretty. Due to my dysmorphia and extreme insecurities, I get very jealous when even looking at them cause I see my own flaws and never see it on these girls. I heard one of my best friends yelling at my boyfriend due to what she had heard from the host.
This particular host is really pretty and has a good body. I was already insecure from the get go and didn't like how my boyfriend was talking to her and laughing. Even if it wasn't anything serious I felt like shit and he never once mentioned he was in a relationship or that I am the girlfriend. This hurts me cause I always make sure it's known cause being in the service industry, you get a lot of dirty comments and people say flirtatious stuff, which I always turn down cause I'm loyal to my relationship. This host told my best friend how my boyfriend suggested to get drinks. We aren't even 21 so how the fuck would he get alcohol. She apparently said no to him and never once said anything to me. This so called conversation took place December of 2023 and I hate how it's now being brought up September of this year.
This host also doesn't have a great track record as she was cheating on her own boyfriend who is also an employee for me. She cheated and fucked another coworker behind her own boyfriends back. I have zero clue as to why My boyfriend is brought up into this whole ordeal but I'm pissed. I don't know how to love but I do know how I get when i'm angry and filled with rage. I was dissociated from reality as he begged on his knees telling me he didn't do anything or said what was told. I cannot trust him but I cannot just break up. I love him so much even though I cannot express this love and I can't even be at my own establishment without being disappointed and ashamed. I want to just slit my wrist deeper this time cause I feel so alone. I can't even tell anyone this. I was already at a low point but this really made it worse cause I thought this would never happen to me. I don't care for a reply on this post. I just want to vent cause I'm so alone and tired from everything.
I want to post on this as a journal with my thoughts and feelings since I don't have anyone to talk to about this part of my life. This will be my first post and surly not my last. When time comes i'll most likely put my last note here as a goodbye.
As for my dad, he works nonstop and has zero value for his family and thinks that money and giving me gifts will make me feel better. As a kid it did don't get me wrong. I loved getting toys and new clothes but now that I'm older and realize that money doesn't actually equal happiness, It has left me numb and alone. In a relationship it has really taken a toll on me. I've been dating my partner now for 2 years and about 8 months now. It has been a roller coaster for sure and I have been struggling with depression and body dysmorphia for a long time. I have tried to OD before in 2020 during the pandemic due to feeling lonely but instead it made it worse cause the first time I opened up, I was practically taken away from my home and my parents blamed me and said I was stupid for feeling that way.
Getting into a relationship was hard cause I never experienced love or knew how to give someone love. He is sweet and I really thought everything was going good until yesterday. Since we own a business there's gonna be a lot of workers. My boyfriend works with me and I am of course a manager there. There are hosts and I won't lie, they're very pretty. Due to my dysmorphia and extreme insecurities, I get very jealous when even looking at them cause I see my own flaws and never see it on these girls. I heard one of my best friends yelling at my boyfriend due to what she had heard from the host.
This particular host is really pretty and has a good body. I was already insecure from the get go and didn't like how my boyfriend was talking to her and laughing. Even if it wasn't anything serious I felt like shit and he never once mentioned he was in a relationship or that I am the girlfriend. This hurts me cause I always make sure it's known cause being in the service industry, you get a lot of dirty comments and people say flirtatious stuff, which I always turn down cause I'm loyal to my relationship. This host told my best friend how my boyfriend suggested to get drinks. We aren't even 21 so how the fuck would he get alcohol. She apparently said no to him and never once said anything to me. This so called conversation took place December of 2023 and I hate how it's now being brought up September of this year.
This host also doesn't have a great track record as she was cheating on her own boyfriend who is also an employee for me. She cheated and fucked another coworker behind her own boyfriends back. I have zero clue as to why My boyfriend is brought up into this whole ordeal but I'm pissed. I don't know how to love but I do know how I get when i'm angry and filled with rage. I was dissociated from reality as he begged on his knees telling me he didn't do anything or said what was told. I cannot trust him but I cannot just break up. I love him so much even though I cannot express this love and I can't even be at my own establishment without being disappointed and ashamed. I want to just slit my wrist deeper this time cause I feel so alone. I can't even tell anyone this. I was already at a low point but this really made it worse cause I thought this would never happen to me. I don't care for a reply on this post. I just want to vent cause I'm so alone and tired from everything.
I want to post on this as a journal with my thoughts and feelings since I don't have anyone to talk to about this part of my life. This will be my first post and surly not my last. When time comes i'll most likely put my last note here as a goodbye.
