kkiwii
New Member
- Jul 10, 2024
- 3
growing up i was neglected a lot , my dad was always at work and my mom was either working or partying. my dad left my mom when i was 9 months old after he caught her cheating on him again. the father figures in my life were inconsistent because she was constantly switching thru guys and having more kids. i now have 10 siblings and my doctor said that due to this i crave impossible amounts of attention from anyone and everyone 24/7. i grew up in a violent and abusive household, if my step dad who was usually coked out of his mind wasnt beating me, my siblings would. when i got into school i was icolated from other kids because something was always wrong with me. i have been diagnosed with adhd, autism, anxiety, depression, c-ptsd aswell as ptsd, bpd im collecting ts like pokemon cards 
but frl i was always an outcast no matter where i went .. during the last week of school in 2nd grade my house burnt down in a fire and i lost everything. after that on the last day of school my only friend i was able to make (he never wanted to b seen with me bc kids were picking on him for being accoseated) thru summer and 3rd grade i was homeless, moving from curch to church, until we could aford a hotel. i watched my siblings get picked off one by one from cps until i was taken (second to last) and put in a foster home until my dad took me back. in third grade i started cutting to take the pain out from inside cus it hurt so bad and cutting numbs it down, it has been 8 years and i can not stop. in 6th grade when i was 12 i tried to kill myself for the first time the night before cristmas but failed because my rope was too long, my brother found me and laughed at me. in 7th grade i adapted an emo aesthetic and shortly after the bullying got worse, kids whould hit, push, and shove me. they would throw all sorts of things at me and say the crulest things. they would take pictures of me and post them on snap adding more and more mean captions as the photos were reposted. kids constantly would ask me out as a prank but i was waiting until high school to date so lyckly i didnt fall for any but still its cruel. in 9th grade i befriended the stoners cus they were the only ones who could understand me, in tge words of bojack "we were all drowning but we were all drowing together " i think that captures it perfectly. i started smoking to deal with life and truly it helped. my friends were kinda shocked when i started cus i used to b so agaistvit but when i took my first hit off a yart in the ladys bathroom i understood. tgat summer i befriended the "crazy" "hardcore druggie" kids and we were sneaking out just about every night. we would set porta potties on fire or blow them ip with fireworks (a common theme u will see) we would smash signs and mailboxes with metal bats and sledge hammers, go around slashing tires and pushing target carts in the middle of the road outside the store. we found a farm that we robbed (i took spraypaint and a chainsaw but my buddies took more) and we found keys to a side by side kubota. we took it for a joy ride but returned the vehicle and took the keys. we found keys to two trucks, a bobcat, mini steamroller, and a dirt bike and we would take turns with each vehicle on different nights, returning tge vehicles ((exept the dirt bike bc it ran out of gas on my buddy so he dumped it in someones side yard and went home)) but then we started moving on to other things. we took a dead guys truck because the keys were still in it, a rich ladys porche while she was on vaycay, and i once stole my friends moms car for a night. we started sinking boats or untying them and watching them drift off. i switch from jst casually stealing from store to robbing two different stores. at 16 i switched schools and my friends drifted away or killed themselves and throughout this time i had attempted myself multiple times (i lost count) through many methods but i either failed or ended up waking up in a hospital. going in and out of mental hospitals was nothing unusual to me and my siblings, as a matter of fact my youngest brother jst got out of one today. well now being so alone in a new school i tried finding ppl like me but i was an outcast once again. nobody could understand what i am or why i act the way i do so i isolated myself, but this time i was in control of my loneliness. i got good at makeup, grew a butt, and perfected my wardrobe so ppl started to give me attention and i became addicted to it. but i realized people only like me because of my looks now and after hanging out with me a few times it became obvious to everyone i was just too much. i remember when i was abt 5 my stepmom tried slitting her wrist open with a knife right in front of me tell me how im too much too handle and i know shes right, especially with bpd which has haunted my teen years horribly. i started finding parties to go to and drinking jst abt everyday. i was getting blackout drunk at school and passing out in the bathrooms or getting crunk at parties. eventually i met someone who went to my school at a party and he invited me to his private parties (only like 10 ppl) and we would smoke, drink, do shrooms n acid, and play video games all day. eventually i got a boyfriend who got arrested for selling 4 months after dating. i waited 6 montgs, sending him goodmorning and goodnight texts, daily updates, and telling him i missed him every hour FOR HALF A GAD DAM YEAR. well he dumped me the moment he got out :/ then i started meeting randos online to smoke and do any drugs i could get my hands on and i met a guy i became obsessed with. things were going so perfect and thought i could actually grow and get better with this guy and after talking for 5 whoooole months and things were jst abt to get serious he ghosted me. i tried talking to other ppl to get him out of my head because atp he had consumed me he was all i thought and cared abt. i went on a date that went well abt a month after and we ended the night with another plan to hang but he never opened my texts again. i got ghosted a few more times after and gave up on love cus im just defeated. everyday all i think abt is suicide, i feel so trapped in life, i yearn for the good ol days when i could do whatever i wanted but i have no one again. im jst all alone like always. my doctor said i self sabotage whitch i didnt realize until now , i crave heartbreak and pain because its all ive ever known, i have to goals and dreams because they always get crushed, and i wont let myself get better even if i want to. ive also found age regression as a coping skill and it really helps but some of my old friends found out and now they make fun of me. i mist have been hittler in my past life cus idk wut i did to deserve this. tbf atp im almost as bad as him (no im not racist im not a nazi) what im saying is ive done so many horrible things its all adding up. i feel like im losing my mind, like ive dug myself into a hole a throughout my life some people would throw me sticks and now i have the ability to build a ladder and climb out but instead i jst dig deeper bc my hole is comfy ifykwim. i just lost my job, my boss told me there is no place in this world for burdens like me, and its true im nothing but an annoying burden. i tried to kill meself moments later. i am covered from my ankles to my neck (my calves ((front and back)), my thighs, my forearms and shoulders, my breasts, my entire stomach, hips, neck, and waist) and im practically unhireable now because noone want to hire a failure loser cover in scars. my dad said its cus they know i wont last long (intending suicide) im 18 now with no money, no job, abt to lose my car, failing school, and im ready to end it i really cant take this anymore. ive dug myself too deep this time and i cant get out so ill either get worse or die
but frl i was always an outcast no matter where i went .. during the last week of school in 2nd grade my house burnt down in a fire and i lost everything. after that on the last day of school my only friend i was able to make (he never wanted to b seen with me bc kids were picking on him for being accoseated) thru summer and 3rd grade i was homeless, moving from curch to church, until we could aford a hotel. i watched my siblings get picked off one by one from cps until i was taken (second to last) and put in a foster home until my dad took me back. in third grade i started cutting to take the pain out from inside cus it hurt so bad and cutting numbs it down, it has been 8 years and i can not stop. in 6th grade when i was 12 i tried to kill myself for the first time the night before cristmas but failed because my rope was too long, my brother found me and laughed at me. in 7th grade i adapted an emo aesthetic and shortly after the bullying got worse, kids whould hit, push, and shove me. they would throw all sorts of things at me and say the crulest things. they would take pictures of me and post them on snap adding more and more mean captions as the photos were reposted. kids constantly would ask me out as a prank but i was waiting until high school to date so lyckly i didnt fall for any but still its cruel. in 9th grade i befriended the stoners cus they were the only ones who could understand me, in tge words of bojack "we were all drowning but we were all drowing together " i think that captures it perfectly. i started smoking to deal with life and truly it helped. my friends were kinda shocked when i started cus i used to b so agaistvit but when i took my first hit off a yart in the ladys bathroom i understood. tgat summer i befriended the "crazy" "hardcore druggie" kids and we were sneaking out just about every night. we would set porta potties on fire or blow them ip with fireworks (a common theme u will see) we would smash signs and mailboxes with metal bats and sledge hammers, go around slashing tires and pushing target carts in the middle of the road outside the store. we found a farm that we robbed (i took spraypaint and a chainsaw but my buddies took more) and we found keys to a side by side kubota. we took it for a joy ride but returned the vehicle and took the keys. we found keys to two trucks, a bobcat, mini steamroller, and a dirt bike and we would take turns with each vehicle on different nights, returning tge vehicles ((exept the dirt bike bc it ran out of gas on my buddy so he dumped it in someones side yard and went home)) but then we started moving on to other things. we took a dead guys truck because the keys were still in it, a rich ladys porche while she was on vaycay, and i once stole my friends moms car for a night. we started sinking boats or untying them and watching them drift off. i switch from jst casually stealing from store to robbing two different stores. at 16 i switched schools and my friends drifted away or killed themselves and throughout this time i had attempted myself multiple times (i lost count) through many methods but i either failed or ended up waking up in a hospital. going in and out of mental hospitals was nothing unusual to me and my siblings, as a matter of fact my youngest brother jst got out of one today. well now being so alone in a new school i tried finding ppl like me but i was an outcast once again. nobody could understand what i am or why i act the way i do so i isolated myself, but this time i was in control of my loneliness. i got good at makeup, grew a butt, and perfected my wardrobe so ppl started to give me attention and i became addicted to it. but i realized people only like me because of my looks now and after hanging out with me a few times it became obvious to everyone i was just too much. i remember when i was abt 5 my stepmom tried slitting her wrist open with a knife right in front of me tell me how im too much too handle and i know shes right, especially with bpd which has haunted my teen years horribly. i started finding parties to go to and drinking jst abt everyday. i was getting blackout drunk at school and passing out in the bathrooms or getting crunk at parties. eventually i met someone who went to my school at a party and he invited me to his private parties (only like 10 ppl) and we would smoke, drink, do shrooms n acid, and play video games all day. eventually i got a boyfriend who got arrested for selling 4 months after dating. i waited 6 montgs, sending him goodmorning and goodnight texts, daily updates, and telling him i missed him every hour FOR HALF A GAD DAM YEAR. well he dumped me the moment he got out :/ then i started meeting randos online to smoke and do any drugs i could get my hands on and i met a guy i became obsessed with. things were going so perfect and thought i could actually grow and get better with this guy and after talking for 5 whoooole months and things were jst abt to get serious he ghosted me. i tried talking to other ppl to get him out of my head because atp he had consumed me he was all i thought and cared abt. i went on a date that went well abt a month after and we ended the night with another plan to hang but he never opened my texts again. i got ghosted a few more times after and gave up on love cus im just defeated. everyday all i think abt is suicide, i feel so trapped in life, i yearn for the good ol days when i could do whatever i wanted but i have no one again. im jst all alone like always. my doctor said i self sabotage whitch i didnt realize until now , i crave heartbreak and pain because its all ive ever known, i have to goals and dreams because they always get crushed, and i wont let myself get better even if i want to. ive also found age regression as a coping skill and it really helps but some of my old friends found out and now they make fun of me. i mist have been hittler in my past life cus idk wut i did to deserve this. tbf atp im almost as bad as him (no im not racist im not a nazi) what im saying is ive done so many horrible things its all adding up. i feel like im losing my mind, like ive dug myself into a hole a throughout my life some people would throw me sticks and now i have the ability to build a ladder and climb out but instead i jst dig deeper bc my hole is comfy ifykwim. i just lost my job, my boss told me there is no place in this world for burdens like me, and its true im nothing but an annoying burden. i tried to kill meself moments later. i am covered from my ankles to my neck (my calves ((front and back)), my thighs, my forearms and shoulders, my breasts, my entire stomach, hips, neck, and waist) and im practically unhireable now because noone want to hire a failure loser cover in scars. my dad said its cus they know i wont last long (intending suicide) im 18 now with no money, no job, abt to lose my car, failing school, and im ready to end it i really cant take this anymore. ive dug myself too deep this time and i cant get out so ill either get worse or die
