ladidabi
Losing all hope is freedom.
- Mar 19, 2023
- 55
Been having a tougher time lately. My main issue is socializing. I am always tired, which makes it much harder to actually do anything after work, and in the cases where there is some energy left in me, I have nowhere to go, nobody to speak to.
The lack of socializing made me more lonely. Not that I was any good at it previously, as I spent every day of last year wasting money at bars to drink alone, and just observe the people around me. That in itself made me feel I was included, even though I wasn't recognized by anyone, and those that tried to get my attention I avoided for obvious reason. All in all, during that year, I didn't build a network at all, but at least spent the nights less lonely if that makes sense.
Now that those days are over, I managed to finish my degree even with my multiple alcohol poisonings that I never got help for, sleeping on benches on weekdays because I got too drunk to get to the bus, and taking my exams and finishing my bachelor degree while having a high alc. % in blood. Even my psychologist is shocked how I managed that, and I don't remember a single thing from my exams, as I drank heavily before going to class og taking tests, to calm me down and be a distraction for my unstable behavior and deep sadness and emptiness.
I also managed to get a job 2 months before finishing my degree, which I work and earn well. I live with my boyfriend and have a much better relationship with my family, vs. last year where there was pretty much 0 contact besides with my siblings. The alcohol is pretty much non existent in my life since spring this year *knocks on wood*, but I still struggle with dealing with abstinence, especially during depressive episodes or psychosis.
To conclude the comparison of this year vs last year, things are clearly brighter. Although I'm starting to feel myself going down the path to where things went to shit for me last year. This has resulted in coping with smoking and cutting myself. I'm desperately pushing myself to rather do that than drink, as alcohol took a whole year off my life filled with risks that could've got me in serious trouble, and I somehow with luck managed to get by.
It's difficult to cope alone, and I feel I'm just being a sensitive dumbass. This is why I got stamped with the BPD diagnosis with my first and worst psychologist known to man. I am trying to see how people who feel alone, and lack social skills to create a realistic and active network around them do it, and how can I get myself started? I don't know where to begin online either, since I'm awful with getting friends. My boyfriend is busy with his own thing and social circle, and I do feel left out at times when working long shifts, and coming home, feeling I should just do the usual cooking, cleaning if my energy levels allow it, take a shower and wear my PJs to go to the bedroom and scroll endlessly through my phone. I am generally a very tired person with much needs of rest, so "going out to activities is not an option". Does anybody have an active chat or server on Disc. for people in recovery? Or at least Sasu? It's the only website I use, even then rarely, to talk. Honestly anything of tips, I'm really struggling socially and with motivation. I just don't want to feel alone. I don't usually speak outside of work, literally.
The lack of socializing made me more lonely. Not that I was any good at it previously, as I spent every day of last year wasting money at bars to drink alone, and just observe the people around me. That in itself made me feel I was included, even though I wasn't recognized by anyone, and those that tried to get my attention I avoided for obvious reason. All in all, during that year, I didn't build a network at all, but at least spent the nights less lonely if that makes sense.
Now that those days are over, I managed to finish my degree even with my multiple alcohol poisonings that I never got help for, sleeping on benches on weekdays because I got too drunk to get to the bus, and taking my exams and finishing my bachelor degree while having a high alc. % in blood. Even my psychologist is shocked how I managed that, and I don't remember a single thing from my exams, as I drank heavily before going to class og taking tests, to calm me down and be a distraction for my unstable behavior and deep sadness and emptiness.
I also managed to get a job 2 months before finishing my degree, which I work and earn well. I live with my boyfriend and have a much better relationship with my family, vs. last year where there was pretty much 0 contact besides with my siblings. The alcohol is pretty much non existent in my life since spring this year *knocks on wood*, but I still struggle with dealing with abstinence, especially during depressive episodes or psychosis.
To conclude the comparison of this year vs last year, things are clearly brighter. Although I'm starting to feel myself going down the path to where things went to shit for me last year. This has resulted in coping with smoking and cutting myself. I'm desperately pushing myself to rather do that than drink, as alcohol took a whole year off my life filled with risks that could've got me in serious trouble, and I somehow with luck managed to get by.
It's difficult to cope alone, and I feel I'm just being a sensitive dumbass. This is why I got stamped with the BPD diagnosis with my first and worst psychologist known to man. I am trying to see how people who feel alone, and lack social skills to create a realistic and active network around them do it, and how can I get myself started? I don't know where to begin online either, since I'm awful with getting friends. My boyfriend is busy with his own thing and social circle, and I do feel left out at times when working long shifts, and coming home, feeling I should just do the usual cooking, cleaning if my energy levels allow it, take a shower and wear my PJs to go to the bedroom and scroll endlessly through my phone. I am generally a very tired person with much needs of rest, so "going out to activities is not an option". Does anybody have an active chat or server on Disc. for people in recovery? Or at least Sasu? It's the only website I use, even then rarely, to talk. Honestly anything of tips, I'm really struggling socially and with motivation. I just don't want to feel alone. I don't usually speak outside of work, literally.
