Help Vent-ish. Am I a bad person?

[LittleAngel]

Long post. I need advice.

To preface this, I am a college student with hardly any friends and a limited social life due to paranoia. Almost a year ago I became friends with a man, which is unusual as I am hesitant to trust men, nonetheless become close with them, and everything seemed pretty fine… I spoke to him a lot about my familial issues (particularly my father continuously assaulting me) and I believed our friendship would never cross any borders because we are both not each others types whatsoever, yet I fear I cannot go back to how I used to see him after something that happened the other day…

There is a secluded corner of my College that has no cameras, is sound proof, and rarely anybody has been there. I naively stayed with him in this room, stupidly showing off the weed I had brought and he kept using it until he became pretty high, whilst I kept my sobriety because I had to babysit right after… somewhere in our conversation I had mentioned that I have a dent in my chest (pectus excavatum) and he continued to imply that he'd like to feel it numerous times (despite me changing the subject) until I finally caved in and moved my boobs out of the way so he could only feel my chest bones/the dent over my shirt.

I am quite used to my body, so I saw no harm in this moment. I've had close friendships where we are comfortable to shower together, so… I naively threw out the fact that he was a man and allowed him. I immediately felt terrible afterwards. I felt disgusted because he was obviously high- despite him being high every moment of our friendship I still felt like it was my responsibility- and I felt sick to my stomach. He reassured me afterwards over iMessages yet… during our conversations following the event, he used the same tactics (continuously pestering me) whilst saying that he wondered what the dent looked like… essentially he was asking to see it. I wound up leaving him on read after his fourth time mentioning it, yet the next day, he asked again and again. He then continued to say that he wanted to/almost grabbed my tits during the initial event… I immediately shot him down. He asked what I would have done if he did… shot him down again. He asked if I seriously didn't consider the sexual implications during the entire debacle… again, i reiterated that I naively was excited to show off a birth defect and nothing more… and then he asked again what it looked like. I left him on read until he finally changed the subject.

I feel disgusted. Played. He's quite popular around campus yet he keeps secluding himself to only see me… I am not sure where to go from here. I feel as though I was in the wrong. I'm terrified of him telling other people- I'm also a virgin and this was my first experience with anything remotely sexual (even though I truly did not consider it that way)… I cherish our friendship but now he keeps asking about my sexual preferences and Im realizing that there is nothing platonic about this kind of friendship. I saw him as a brother. I don't know where to go from here. It's been four days and I've been crying non stop. Was I in the wrong for this…? Would it be wrong of me to distance myself…? This & our felon of a president is only making my suicidal thoughts worse.

 

[juneberry1234]

You did nothing wrong. Just like you said you were just trying to show him a birth defect and had no other intentions. What is weird is that he was pestering you about touching it and later seeing it. Now I'm no hater about curiosity, however, if the initial request was shot down then that's it, there should be no other questions about it. You are absolutely not a bad person for caving in allowing him to touch it AND for distancing yourself from him over this matter that he took way too far. He should understand your boundaries and should absolutely know that his requests are uncomfortable and you have the right to say no. I hope this helps and you can get back on your feet. Maybe have an in-person conversation with him to set boundaries about the future of your friendship as well as state the fact that his actions made you uncomfortable.

 

[Sutter]

Long post. I need advice.

To preface this, I am a college student with hardly any friends and a limited social life due to paranoia. Almost a year ago I became friends with a man, which is unusual as I am hesitant to trust men, nonetheless become close with them, and everything seemed pretty fine… I spoke to him a lot about my familial issues (particularly my father continuously assaulting me) and I believed our friendship would never cross any borders because we are both not each others types whatsoever, yet I fear I cannot go back to how I used to see him after something that happened the other day…

There is a secluded corner of my College that has no cameras, is sound proof, and rarely anybody has been there. I naively stayed with him in this room, stupidly showing off the weed I had brought and he kept using it until he became pretty high, whilst I kept my sobriety because I had to babysit right after… somewhere in our conversation I had mentioned that I have a dent in my chest (pectus excavatum) and he continued to imply that he'd like to feel it numerous times (despite me changing the subject) until I finally caved in and moved my boobs out of the way so he could only feel my chest bones/the dent over my shirt.

I am quite used to my body, so I saw no harm in this moment. I've had close friendships where we are comfortable to shower together, so… I naively threw out the fact that he was a man and allowed him. I immediately felt terrible afterwards. I felt disgusted because he was obviously high- despite him being high every moment of our friendship I still felt like it was my responsibility- and I felt sick to my stomach. He reassured me afterwards over iMessages yet… during our conversations following the event, he used the same tactics (continuously pestering me) whilst saying that he wondered what the dent looked like… essentially he was asking to see it. I wound up leaving him on read after his fourth time mentioning it, yet the next day, he asked again and again. He then continued to say that he wanted to/almost grabbed my tits during the initial event… I immediately shot him down. He asked what I would have done if he did… shot him down again. He asked if I seriously didn't consider the sexual implications during the entire debacle… again, i reiterated that I naively was excited to show off a birth defect and nothing more… and then he asked again what it looked like. I left him on read until he finally changed the subject.

I feel disgusted. Played. He's quite popular around campus yet he keeps secluding himself to only see me… I am not sure where to go from here. I feel as though I was in the wrong. I'm terrified of him telling other people- I'm also a virgin and this was my first experience with anything remotely sexual (even though I truly did not consider it that way)… I cherish our friendship but now he keeps asking about my sexual preferences and Im realizing that there is nothing platonic about this kind of friendship. I saw him as a brother. I don't know where to go from here. It's been four days and I've been crying non stop. Was I in the wrong for this…? Would it be wrong of me to distance myself…? This & our felon of a president is only making my suicidal thoughts worse.

Dead stare.

LittleAngel you didnt do anything wrong other than be a fair naive with a large helping of innocence. Take a stop here and soak that in.

I am a man, men are morons, boys can be bottom waste spitters. Please do not judge the whole on the few. My advice for the following may not be socially acceptable, Im old, not an excuse just making clear I may perhaps not possess the proper skills for the world we live in.

Take a deep breath and live in a world without that boy, poof dont see or talk to him again, time to let the small mating appendage go. This is not meant to be hurtful advice and for the boy this would be considered exceptionally compassionate treatment as he should be very happy that there are no old foxes treading heavily on his person, no one likes to be walked on.

It was not acceptable, you are not at fault. If you are religious, slow down and pick the facts out and write them down, ask yourself how do you really think God would handle things if this happened to his LittleAngel, how would the boy react if someone did this to his daughter?

Hoping you find that distance…for all the grace you have already shown.

 

[Wanted Opioid]

You know that you can just cut-off your friendship and stop talking to any friend that makes you feel uncomfortable, right?

And if they won't leave you alone and make you feel in danger, you can always speak to the student services in your campus or ask for help from a family member.

 

[-Link-]

Was I in the wrong for this…?

I think, at first, this was just a set of unfortunate circumstances where maybe you both misread each other's intentions. Misreading like this is not "wrong" for either person -- it's just something that happens. It's awkward and not ideal, but neither party is "wrong."

Once you made your intentions clear, he should have taken his cue and stopped pushing it.

It's wrong of him to continue his advances against your established boundaries.

Would it be wrong of me to distance myself…?

Do whatever it is you feel is right for you. This is only for you to decide. If you want (or need) to distance yourself from him, then it's quite OK to go ahead and distance yourself from him.

I don't know where to go from here. It's been four days and I've been crying non stop.

Grieving the loss of a friendship is no small thing.

In moving forward, reach out to other people around you for support, if you can. You don't necessarily have to talk about any of this (unless you want to). The idea is to just keep engaged with other aspects of your life and to keep connected with other people as this can have a natural healing effect.

Wishing you well as can be in getting through this.

 

[Sleeper System]

Asking for advice after the fact is useless. You already made the choices that having asked for advice sooner could have prevented. I'm won't sugar coat anything like most people here like to do or coddle you. You're a college kid.

You already lost your "friend". You probably never had one to begin with. Men are equally if not more complex than women. The moment you showed him vulnerability you put a target on your back. You flipped a coin without knowing what was on the line. Do male/female friendships happen? Sure. But it's very difficult to navigate those waters without learning the hard way of how south the wrong assumption can go.

This is why it's so important to have extreme communication and have clear boundaries. If you're dead set on doing or not doing something then NEVER EVER give in not once. The moment you allow a crack in your character, you are inviting trouble.

Learn from this experience. My advice for what it's worth is to flat out end the friendship yourself and take back your footing. Because you already lost him. He will never not see you as a sexual object after having already show interest. Trust me. It's done.

 

[LittleAngel]

Asking for advice after the fact is useless. You already made the choices that having asked for advice sooner could have prevented. I'm won't sugar coat anything like most people here like to do or coddle you. You're a college kid.

You already lost your "friend". You probably never had one to begin with. Men are equally if not more complex than women. The moment you showed him vulnerability you put a target on your back. You flipped a coin without knowing what was on the line. Do male/female friendships happen? Sure. But it's very difficult to navigate those waters without learning the hard way of how south the wrong assumption can go.

This is why it's so important to have extreme communication and have clear boundaries. If you're dead set on doing or not doing something then NEVER EVER give in not once. The moment you allow a crack in your character, you are inviting trouble.

Learn from this experience. My advice for what it's worth is to flat out end the friendship yourself and take back your footing. Because you already lost him. He will never not see you as a sexual object after having already show interest. Trust me. It's done.

Thank you for your blunt reply. I already knew this deep down but I really was looking here for confirmation. I know what I have to do… it's just nice to hear it from somebody else. Thank you.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

You did nothing wrong. HE did. He kept (and would probably keep) pushing you into something that you didn't want, he doesn't give a fuck about your consent. Block him in every social network/app and never talk to him again, you don't "owe" him anything, much less an "explanation". And if he tries to talk to you in person say that you want him to stay away and if he refuses or try to contact again say you are going to file a restraining order. I advise you to read about restraining orders where you live just for precaution and if he contacts you after you telling him to stay away, file it because if he tries a second time he will try a third time and go on.

And contrary to some opinions, you don't have to blame yourself, he betrayed your trust and did something despicable. You are the victim. Being high on weed isn't an excuse for doing that, he knew what he was doing. And no, don't consider it a "sexual experience", for all accounts you still hadn't one (I don't mean in a bad way lol).

You said you were crying non-stop for four days, continue it for a few days, it is way better than trying to hide it inside. Maybe you won't like what I am gonna say now, but if I may suggest, find a survivors group, I know Reddit has at lease on sub for it. Your suffering IS valid.

Feel free to dm/message me if you need to talk, vent or just chill.

I hope you feel better soon and wish you all the best. Take care!

 

[John Kramer]

Good and bad are societally constructed