Vent/Reflection.

[LivingANDDying26]

Been feeling suicidal for a month or so now. It's just been getting worse and I've often been inclined to just give up. Essentially this last week.

I've been crying more than I have in like 2 years. I guess it's just be part of the process with healing trauma and all.

These days I haven't been able to do anything. Everytime I try like do what I used to do: get up and do makeup etc etc. I make it to the point of doing my makeup and eating but I'm usually sobbing by the afternoon.

Nothing is that enjoyable. Im back to everything being a coping skill.

I'm torn because dying is hard to accomplish but at this point living a life beyond my bed is hard.


That being said.... it would be nice if things could get better but I don't have much hope.

Day to Day I'm getting more and more uncertain of wtf to do with anything in my life tbh.

CPTSD healing is awful tbh.

Gonna "try" again today and I have no hope or any expectations. I feel so discouraged.

Anyway mini rant/venting. I would like to like being alive again but sometimes/most the time now... I don't think it'll happen.

The hopelessness, the constant/frequent emotional flashbacks, the lack of enjoyment in anything.... it's wearing on me. It's all things I'd like to change but dunno how.

 

[Sulyya]

Best of luck. Trying without hope or expectations is still valuable I think. Even when depressed if you did something small that you can look back on then it may give you hope later.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

For the first time in like a month or so I feel.. calm.. like not ok but "ok"
I don't feel this immense pressure of emotions. The intense emotional apects of CPTSD are still there but... I feel relaxed, at ease I dunno.

Today I wasn't able to do much just got up, did my makeup, ate and walked to get meds. I didn't sleep the best last night so after I came back from getting meds I decided to wash my face and rest. Shamed myself / felt a lot of shame as per usual but tried to talk positively to myself.

Been reading/watching youtube vids. And it doesn't feel like just barly coping.

Maybe it can get better. I do not have hope for that but I hope my days can feel less intense at least and that gives me some hope....



I don't want it to blow up in my face buttttt my gosh I really do hope my days can finally get better. I want to go back to being at an ok baseline. I wanna not feel like complete fucking shit every moment.