Venting vent

[aeris]

It's probably full of grammar errors but i didn't want ai or google translate to dehumanize my words, sorry.

I'm familiar with the term suicide since a very young age. My mom raised me giving me suicide warnings, she'd sometimes say no soul would ever sense if she locked herself in the bathroom and slit her wrists. My sister tried taking pills and committing suicide. Later in my life I met a boy and fell in love. He also told me about his suicidal past and how he had taken some pills to numb his pain and leave his life behind. He also gave me some of my mom's warnings. Once he gave me a deadline and told me he'd be gone by that day. Me, who was already feeling anti anti sympathetic to those considering suicide and was talking bad about suicidal acts such as them being super selfish, surprisingly became obsessed with the idea. Now I can't stop wondering about the feeling. I watched a couple of legal assisted suicide videos in which the last breaths sounded super horrific. The problem is as much as it sounded horrific it also felt very relaxing. It was like a few minutes of meditation and it was more than enough to keep me focused on the sound for days or maybe weeks. I still can hear it and I can't help but wonder how I'd feel breathing like that. Breathing that heavy but so uncaring and reckless about the snore. I wish I had it guaranteed I could come back from the "eternal" sleep. Not as in reincarnation or afterlife but as in waking up in this lifetime as myself just like any other day. Just so I could have satisfied my curiosity. I don't want to be dead but I want to die once if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure I won't commit suicide, even at my lowest point I learned not to intervene in life too much. I can look dead in the eye of myself on the mirror and I can confidently say I won't ever do it. Because I don't want to. I don't really know what I'm expecting as a response i just felt like getting this out of my chest.

 

[Sutter]

It's probably full of grammar errors but i didn't want ai or google translate to dehumanize my words, sorry.

I'm familiar with the term suicide since a very young age. My mom raised me giving me suicide warnings, she'd sometimes say no soul would ever sense if she locked herself in the bathroom and slit her wrists. My sister tried taking pills and committing suicide. Later in my life I met a boy and fell in love. He also told me about his suicidal past and how he had taken some pills to numb his pain and leave his life behind. He also gave me some of my mom's warnings. Once he gave me a deadline and told me he'd be gone by that day. Me, who was already feeling anti anti sympathetic to those considering suicide and was talking bad about suicidal acts such as them being super selfish, surprisingly became obsessed with the idea. Now I can't stop wondering about the feeling. I watched a couple of legal assisted suicide videos in which the last breaths sounded super horrific. The problem is as much as it sounded horrific it also felt very relaxing. It was like a few minutes of meditation and it was more than enough to keep me focused on the sound for days or maybe weeks. I still can hear it and I can't help but wonder how I'd feel breathing like that. Breathing that heavy but so uncaring and reckless about the snore. I wish I had it guaranteed I could come back from the "eternal" sleep. Not as in reincarnation or afterlife but as in waking up in this lifetime as myself just like any other day. Just so I could have satisfied my curiosity. I don't want to be dead but I want to die once if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure I won't commit suicide, even at my lowest point I learned not to intervene in life too much. I can look dead in the eye of myself on the mirror and I can confidently say I won't ever do it. Because I don't want to. I don't really know what I'm expecting as a response i just felt like getting this out of my chest.

Light.

Every life has a stone in the chest. A few carry a boulder, like Atlas, for others a pebble in the shoe. Most at some point, some threshold, will look to put that stone down. Not with finality but just a passing respite, a short rest. A couple will be able to sunder their stone to dust, or hide it, or only roll it around before picking it up again. Its enough that you pulled yours out.

A stone is never the same in weight, although its easier to compare that way, its weight is only ever dependent on the bearer. The weight of a stone can be more than some can carry while others skip with theirs. The most stoic man may cry, the softest heart shout in rage the crulest words and their opposite as true as well. I used the never word once and found a darkness that eclipsed all the important and trivial pursuits of life, may that darkness pass you by.

Keep the light step and a good life Aeris.

 

[aeris]

Light.

Every life has a stone in the chest. A few carry a boulder, like Atlas, for others a pebble in the shoe. Most at some point, some threshold, will look to put that stone down. Not with finality but just a passing respite, a short rest. A couple will be able to sunder their stone to dust, or hide it, or only roll it around before picking it up again. Its enough that you pulled yours out.

A stone is never the same in weight, although its easier to compare that way, its weight is only ever dependent on the bearer. The weight of a stone can be more than some can carry while others skip with theirs. The most stoic man may cry, the softest heart shout in rage the crulest words and their opposite as true as well. I used the never word once and found a darkness that eclipsed all the important and trivial pursuits of life, may that darkness pass you by.

Keep the light step and a good life Aeris.

Thank you :)
I feel like my stone isn't even visible to the human eye. It confuses me so bad that I can't feel the weight of the stones my loved ones have to carry all by themselves. I don't only feel sad but also feel super mad even though I know that I don't have the right to be mad at them for being broken and looking for a way out. I know that if I lost them one by one I'd still be the one standing at their graves. I don't feel like doing anything including the topic we've been talking about, i don't want to put effort into harming myself even for the reason of being free from it all.
I'm scared one day the fear of being the left behind one outweighs all the other fears, despite all the "never"s I keep telling myself.

May the light pass through your route too, Fox.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think they call that laboured breathing at the end, a 'death rattle'. Not trying to call you weird or anything but I've not come across too many people who were positive about feeling the experience of death. I expect many of us just want to get it over with as quickly as possible with as least awareness of it as possible. It must be a comfort to some extent to not fear the process of death. Although, maybe it depends on the type?

 

[mattoman]

I think death is an interesting concept, it's really easy, yet so hard to get. I mean, once we're dead, we're gone, that's what I believe in. I totally relate to when you said that you'd want to wake up from eternal sleep just satisfy your curiosity, that would honestly be interesting to know how it feels. I don't know, a part that won't let me CTB is that I guess I have some kind of FOMO after I die, everything just keeps on going normal and I'm just not here.

I don't know how related this post was to yours, I just like to think about death sometimes, what happens after it and so on. And no matter how much I think about it, it doesn't get much easier.

Best of luck to you for everything

 

[aeris]

I think death is an interesting concept, it's really easy, yet so hard to get. I mean, once we're dead, we're gone, that's what I believe in. I totally relate to when you said that you'd want to wake up from eternal sleep just satisfy your curiosity, that would honestly be interesting to know how it feels. I don't know, a part that won't let me CTB is that I guess I have some kind of FOMO after I die, everything just keeps on going normal and I'm just not here.

I don't know how related this post was to yours, I just like to think about death sometimes, what happens after it and so on. And no matter how much I think about it, it doesn't get much easier.

Best of luck to you for everything

By no means to be rude or blunt, I just feel like this is a brief summary of what I was trying to say. I totally agree with the fomo after death. As much as I dont want to be the one to remain alive and forget about the lost person, I don't want to be the one who'll be forgotten one day. Life goes on and people move on, it's a reward and a punishment disguised under one sheet.

Best of luck to you as well, Mattoman

 

[mattoman]

By no means to be rude or blunt, I just feel like this is a brief summary of what I was trying to say. I totally agree with the fomo after death. As much as I dont want to be the one to remain alive and forget about the lost person, I don't want to be the one who'll be forgotten one day. Life goes on and people move on, it's a reward and a punishment disguised under one sheet.

Best of luck to you as well, Mattoman

No, you weren't rude or blunt at all, after I posted I started thinking that did I just basically explain again what you had posted previously :D Well, all in all, I think death is scary and interesting, both. I wish I could get rid of it, but I guess it takes some time to think about it in every possible aspects.

 

[aeris]

I think they call that laboured breathing at the end, a 'death rattle'. Not trying to call you weird or anything but I've not come across too many people who were positive about feeling the experience of death. I expect many of us just want to get it over with as quickly as possible with as least awareness of it as possible. It must be a comfort to some extent to not fear the process of death. Although, maybe it depends on the type?

I don't know how to express myself better on this, like when I hear that sound called death rattle I feel an itch in my throat and miss a feeling I never had the chance to feel. I feel like I'm the one experiencing it knowing I won't be dead at the end of the record. It's not a relief that I'm not the person on the video or I'm not feeling the pain that person is suffering from. It's a relief that I won't end up gone like that person most probably will. Ofc I'm not saying it's a bad thing, if the person is happy about it i'm happy about it but since you get to read my other messages you'll get my point. I'll stay here and still get to listen to something i consider a chant.