beyondeternal
Eternal calmness
- Jul 14, 2024
- 17
Good evening (22:18 for me), everyone. It's been a while since I last posted. English is not my native language, so I'm sorry if something will be unclear.
I've been increasingly aware lately that I seem to be slowly destroying my social life, and myself as a person (Maybe so that I have a reason to try CTB again in the future).
I am distancing myself from people, trying to either protect myself from them, or protect them from me. Or both.
They irritate me. I can't get used to them and not look for flaws in them. It seems like the only one I really care about is my father - he was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago, and sometimes I have to take care of him (help with something). Yet I still sometimes allow my unreasonable dissatisfaction with everything in this pathetic life of mine to spill out on him... and I realize this only after I once again got angry on him. His form of cancer is not that severe, so he's not bedridden. At least for now, I hope.
No one understands me, and I hardly understand anyone. I don't think that I have a person with whom I want and can share anything. I'm just angry at almost everyone to one degree or another, and almost always when I talk to someone, I think "leave me alone, please". And it seems that no one, except my father, genuinely cares about me. And even about that I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.
And I still don't want to have a close relationship with anyone. Even a couple of my remaining friends annoy me... it's almost funny. The idea of starting a relationship with a girl seems like a big hassle to me - I don't want to waste my time, nerves, feelings and money on such thing. It feels like I no longer have any romantic interest in girls. The only pathetic interest that I have is for Furina from Genshin, but... it if continues (a year has passed) - I guess, my family will be very disappointed. It doesn't matter if they find out about it now, or in a certain number of years, when I still won't have a girlfriend.
When a couple of days ago I got food poisoning (because of the food that my sister cooked, using ingredients from our local grocery store) and threw up the whole damn night, it seemed that no one in the house actually cared about that, so I made it through myself. But when my sister (I'm 19, she's 24) also felt bad the next morning, her stomach pain was *supposedly* much worse, and "call me an ambulance right now", sounds of dying and other damn theatrical stuff - I had to run around her (take care of her - go to the pharmacy, make tea and etc) all fking day, although I also felt very bad. And no one cared about me again. Yet if I would try saying something about this - "I was also very concerned about your well-being you know", yeah thanks, although you did fucking nothing for me except asking "how do you feel", didn't even bring me pills or anything, although she was awake while I threw up and couldn't sleep normally. But thanks for buying me vitamins only when I almost recovered, lol.
I wanted to write something serious and meaningful, yet it still turned out as always.
Good night everyone.
I've been increasingly aware lately that I seem to be slowly destroying my social life, and myself as a person (Maybe so that I have a reason to try CTB again in the future).
I am distancing myself from people, trying to either protect myself from them, or protect them from me. Or both.
They irritate me. I can't get used to them and not look for flaws in them. It seems like the only one I really care about is my father - he was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago, and sometimes I have to take care of him (help with something). Yet I still sometimes allow my unreasonable dissatisfaction with everything in this pathetic life of mine to spill out on him... and I realize this only after I once again got angry on him. His form of cancer is not that severe, so he's not bedridden. At least for now, I hope.
No one understands me, and I hardly understand anyone. I don't think that I have a person with whom I want and can share anything. I'm just angry at almost everyone to one degree or another, and almost always when I talk to someone, I think "leave me alone, please". And it seems that no one, except my father, genuinely cares about me. And even about that I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.
And I still don't want to have a close relationship with anyone. Even a couple of my remaining friends annoy me... it's almost funny. The idea of starting a relationship with a girl seems like a big hassle to me - I don't want to waste my time, nerves, feelings and money on such thing. It feels like I no longer have any romantic interest in girls. The only pathetic interest that I have is for Furina from Genshin, but... it if continues (a year has passed) - I guess, my family will be very disappointed. It doesn't matter if they find out about it now, or in a certain number of years, when I still won't have a girlfriend.
When a couple of days ago I got food poisoning (because of the food that my sister cooked, using ingredients from our local grocery store) and threw up the whole damn night, it seemed that no one in the house actually cared about that, so I made it through myself. But when my sister (I'm 19, she's 24) also felt bad the next morning, her stomach pain was *supposedly* much worse, and "call me an ambulance right now", sounds of dying and other damn theatrical stuff - I had to run around her (take care of her - go to the pharmacy, make tea and etc) all fking day, although I also felt very bad. And no one cared about me again. Yet if I would try saying something about this - "I was also very concerned about your well-being you know", yeah thanks, although you did fucking nothing for me except asking "how do you feel", didn't even bring me pills or anything, although she was awake while I threw up and couldn't sleep normally. But thanks for buying me vitamins only when I almost recovered, lol.
I wanted to write something serious and meaningful, yet it still turned out as always.
Good night everyone.
