Hi,
I've been thinking about CTB for over 13 years now because of my multiple physical and mental illnesses (ME/CFS being the most debilitating of them, which I have for 7 years now,it makes me basically bedbound except for going to Dr.s appointments and there is no cure for it). I have no quality of life whatsoever and it's been this way for years. Every aspect of normal life is impossible for me and has been for a long time. I don't have a single friend or even acquaintance, the only people I see are doctors and pharmacists and my very small family sometimes. Because of my illnesses I lay in bed all day, not talking to a single person for at least a week every week, sometimes weeks on end (literally not speaking a single word for weeks because there's no one to talk to). The loneliness is excruciating too as it has been this way for so long. I have physical pain and chronic nausea (which no medication can fully relieve, I already get prescribed metoclopramide, the nausea is not 24/7 though but I get it often and sometimes the attacks are so severe that I cannot move at all or I would throw up immediately and I can't even swallow my own spit then, I have to spit it out). The physical pain is also excruciating sometimes, although I can deal with a lot of pain (not with nausea though), sometimes I literally cry or scream because of it. I can't go to a movie, I can't even go to the shops 3 minutes away from my apartment, I don't have a single friend, a relationship is absolutely impossible for me (mostly because of my physical illnesses, as they're debilitating and one is also contagious and unfortunately also incurable and no it's not HIV or Hep C), I can't sleep normally, I can't even eat normally (I only keep a somewhat normal weight because I live off of prescribed high calorie drinks). My life is literal hell, every day, every second that I am awake is torture in one way or another because of my many illnesses (and I really mean that). There hasn't been a single moment in the last 13 years for me that was so enjoyable that I could say, "wow, I really would have regretted not experiencing that". It's quite the opposite. I don't have any highlights, the only "highlights" which help me differentiate one year from the other in the last 13 years are very bad ones, like deaths in the family, new illnesses and stuff like that.
I am only comfortable when I'm asleep with no dreams, am extremely high or when I'm unconscious. Those are my favorite moments, because I don't have any symptoms at all. I feel like if your life is permanently so unbearable, that your favorite moments are when you're unconscious, it's a pretty good time to go. I make myself go into a very deep sleep/sometimes unconsciousness about 2 times a week, sometimes more, with medication. If I couldn't have those regular pauses from the hell that is my life I would have ctb a long time ago. Every time I hope that I "accidentally" die from it and that it's just gonna be too much one day and I'll never wake up from it again. As that would also be easier for my mother than if I ctb, she has told me.
I either do it with a lot of benzos (up to 45 tablets of 6 to 8 different benzos) in combination with high pregabalin doses, midazolam iv (I also have the oral 15mg tablets which I take a lot of), phenobarbital as tablets or Propofol iv, all in combination with my 600mg of daily slow release morphine. I also take morphine iv regularly. I get it prescribed as I'm an ex heroin addict and in my country we can get morphine instead of methadone. Most of my medications are prescribed. I almost died once from too much iv morphine, at least it definitely felt like it, but unfortunately I woke up with a gasp after some time. And I almost died once from a heroin overdose, but that was a very long time ago, I didn't want to die back then. I never REALLY overdose myself on purpose, I just always stay in the zone with the doses so that it's a gamble, I could possibly die from it or not, because I'd rather not even know that I'm going to die. The chance of someone "saving" me if I overdose and ending up with brain damage is low, as there is no one here to save me, I'm always alone and would only get found after 2-3 days. That's why I always put on the AC really cold when I do these things (even in winter), because I want my body to still be in good condition. And I always lock the door, so my mom wouldn't find me, she'd have to get someone to open the door and I've already told her if I don't send her a message for our regular
check ups that everything is ok and then don't answer the phone after multiple calls to not open the door to my bedroom herself when she comes to check on me and call someone (police, paramedics), because then I'm most likely dead. I also always shower, shave, brush my teeth and even put some make up on right before I do these things as I want to be freshly showered and clean and acceptable looking on the autopsy table, as no one's ever gonna look closer at everything of you other than at an autopsy. I'd rather not have one done at all, because the thought of them slicing my brain into pieces and all that stuff just bothers me while alive but I've already done research and you can't (at least not where I live) write down somewhere that you don't want an autopsy done while you're alive, if it's a suspected suicide or overdose death and especially since I'm still young (a little under 30), they will most likely do an autopsy. So it is what it is and I'll be dead anyway. Does any of you guys bother that thought now while you're alive?
I really have no will to live anymore and might ctb soon, as I have some acute problems which if I can't solve them, I really feel like it's my time to go. I would have preferred to wait a little, as my stepfather and my grandfather have terminal cancer and I don't really want my mother to have to go through the pain of her only child ctb on top of that. But if I can't solve this problem, I honestly don't have much of a choice as life would get much worse for me (yes, apparently that's still possible, it surprises me too, but life can be cruel) and it's already unbearable. I've waited 3 years already. That's when my stepfather got his terminal cancer diagnosis and I wanted to wait until after he died and my mother has been through the grieving process to do it and now the same with my grandfather and I don't really want my grandfather to still be here when I ctb, as we are close even though because of my illnesses I don't see him that often. But I just don't have much left in me to go on. Unfortunately I can't spare my mom the pain from having to go through me ctb, because then I would most likely have to wait 30 years to do it and I can't do that. My mom has known for a long time how I feel and what I want to do and she does understand it, as she has seen me suffer all these years, but of course she can't give me the permission to do it as she would rather have me here with her. But I'm just so unbelievably tired, and I know I'll never live a normal life. I've tried every treatment/medication/combination of medications there is for my illnesses over the last 13 years and it hasn't helped at all, everything only got worse with the years. I've really tried. I've really thought about this for a long time and I'm just ready to go. I have the goodbye letter to my family ready since 2 years ago, I have everything I need to do it ready at home. I just want and need eternal sleep and peace.
The problem is just that my SI is pretty strong, even though I really, really want to die badly. It is gone completely pretty often, but that happens in moments, where I'm physically so ill, that I can't even move. Benzos help somewhat to make me pretty indifferent. I feel like 6-7mg of Alprazolam or 36-42mg of Bromazepam as they're not that sedating combined with 1000-1200mg of Pregabalin would probably take care of the worst of it and I'd still be able to do my method (I unfortunately have a very high benzo tolerance and am physically dependent on them). Or 5mg of Alprazolam, 30mg Midazolam orally and 1000mg Pregabalin. As I'm pretty indifferent when I'm on those doses, but can still act normally and people don't even necessarily notice I've taken anything.
To do my method, I'd first have to take a large dose of metoclopramide and preferably fast for a few hours, but that isn't a must. Then a little later draw up some syringes, then put 1 (or maybe even 2, I'm not yet sure) intravenous cannula in a large vein(s), once the cannula is in place take a few phenobarbital pills (I might maybe do that a little earlier already, as they take forever to take effect), a few more potent benzo pills (Triazolam. Flunitrazepam, Nitrazepam and Midazolam), another 1200mg slow release morphine (in addition to the 600mg I take every day and will have already taken that day), then inject some midazolam iv which should also make my anxiety and SI less, then connect the 20ml syringe with Propofol to the iv tubing, then take 2-3 fentanyl patches bucally (put them in my mouth in my cheeks), which is a total of 12-16mg of Fentanyl (I want to be sure to die and I have a high opioid tolerance that's why so much, I might even take more Fentanyl) and then inject either (depending if I put 1 or 2 iv cannulas) 400mg (I have the 2% Propofol which is 20mg/ml so 20ml are 400mg) or 800mg Propofol really fast iv, which should ideally and most likely will as it's a massive dose without intubation and I'm tiny (I'm about 105 pounds, that's 8,5mg Propofol/kg with 400mg and 17mg/kg with 800mg) stop my breathing and obviously will also make me deeply unconscious within about 10 seconds after injecting it. While I'm unconscious from the Propofol or already have a respiratory arrest, the Fentanyl will keep absorbing into my bloodstream and make the effect of the Propofol stronger and vice versa. Do you guys think that's a safe method to die? I know they use an overdose of Propofol with MAID in Canada. And in combination with the 600mg of morphine, 6-7mg of Alprazolam or 36-42mg of Bromazepam and 30mg oral Midazolam and a few mg iv being already in my bloodstream at the time of injection and the Fentanyl overdose and Phenobarbital and more morphine and benzos being absorbed. I mean one of those things, especially the combination of this has to kill me right? Or should I rather do it with a iv morphine overdose (would rather not do that, as I would have to take a lot of antihistamines before because the histamine release with large doses of morphine iv is pretty unpleasant, although that would only last for a couple seconds after the injection before you lose consciousness, in case the dose of antihistamines wasn't enough to fully prevent the histamine release with a massive overdose, so if that's the safest way, I would do it), I mean with morphine iv I know what dose would kill me after 10 days of only oral morphine and no iv morphine, as I know what dose has already almost killed me under these circumstances and I would just triple that dose. Or should I convert that dose (the triple morphine iv dose) to iv fentanyl and prepare the patches for iv use and use a iv fentanyl overdose? Btw, the fentanyl patches are prescribed and from the pharmacy, so I know they're legit. Or should I mix the fentanyl with the propofol and inject both? I just don't know how they would react chemically with each other as the fentanyl solution would be watery and propofol is an emulsion.. To be safe, I just don't really want to do it with only an opioid OD because of my high tolerance, so I really want to do it in combination w/ the Propofol OD injection, as Propofol has a very potent respiratory depressant effect, even in "normal doses" and it would enhance the respiratory depressant effect of the other medications, the fentanyl also prolongs the effects of propofol and I would also be unconscious in a pleasant way almost immediately, which is what I really want. Or put 2 iv cannulas in and inject 400mg propofol in one while simultaneously injecting the fentanyl overdose in the other one? Of course I could also do an infusion with a few thousand mg of propofol, but that would be complicated to set up and I'd have to buy an iv pole (where could I hide that when my mom visits?). And the propofol vials don't even fit in most iv poles so I'd have to pour the propofol in an empty iv saline bag (which I would also have to buy). I'd rather be unconscious within seconds and have it as simple as possible, with not that much to set up. Personally, from my experiences with Propofol I'm very sure that a fast injection of 400mg even on it's own,
without everything else except my daily 600mg morphine would kill me. But any tips are welcome! Btw I don't think I'm gonna vomit all of the pills out (of course I wouldn't do it on a day where I'm nauseous), because I regularly take more than 50 pills at once (without metoclopramide) and have never vomited, so my stomach is used to a lot of pills and it's not gonna be 50 pills at once on that day. And I don't think I'm gonna vomit that soon after the propofol injection either, because propofol itself has strong antiemetic properties and I have taken up to 3x my daily morphine dose without even a hint of nausea. Maybe I might vomit after a lot of the fentanyl overdose is absorbed, but I hope the metoclopramide will prevent that and if it does happen I'll be unconscious then and would probably choke to death on my vomit, although I think I'm gonna be dead from the propofol before that even happens.
What other tips do you guys have for overcoming the SI? I just know benzos will help a little and I'm gonna think about the most unbearable things in my life and how unbearable my life is in general and for how long I've already suffered and that I'm never gonna have to experience any horrible physical (or mental) symptoms again and finally be "asleep"/ unconscious forever, which is my favorite state. I know I'm suffering a lot and death is my biggest wish and my method is very soft as I'm softly but quickly gonna become unconscious within like 10 seconds after the injection, but somehow my SI can still be pretty strong, some days more, some days less, but sometimes it feels impossible to overcome even though I can't take all the pain and exhaustion anymore..
Any other tips how to get in the right state of mind to just do it, stay in that right state of mind throughout the preparation of the method and then finally have the courage to push that plunger of the syringe, knowing how final it is?
To anyone who has read all of this very long text (I'm sorry for that), thank you very much!
I've been thinking about CTB for over 13 years now because of my multiple physical and mental illnesses (ME/CFS being the most debilitating of them, which I have for 7 years now,it makes me basically bedbound except for going to Dr.s appointments and there is no cure for it). I have no quality of life whatsoever and it's been this way for years. Every aspect of normal life is impossible for me and has been for a long time. I don't have a single friend or even acquaintance, the only people I see are doctors and pharmacists and my very small family sometimes. Because of my illnesses I lay in bed all day, not talking to a single person for at least a week every week, sometimes weeks on end (literally not speaking a single word for weeks because there's no one to talk to). The loneliness is excruciating too as it has been this way for so long. I have physical pain and chronic nausea (which no medication can fully relieve, I already get prescribed metoclopramide, the nausea is not 24/7 though but I get it often and sometimes the attacks are so severe that I cannot move at all or I would throw up immediately and I can't even swallow my own spit then, I have to spit it out). The physical pain is also excruciating sometimes, although I can deal with a lot of pain (not with nausea though), sometimes I literally cry or scream because of it. I can't go to a movie, I can't even go to the shops 3 minutes away from my apartment, I don't have a single friend, a relationship is absolutely impossible for me (mostly because of my physical illnesses, as they're debilitating and one is also contagious and unfortunately also incurable and no it's not HIV or Hep C), I can't sleep normally, I can't even eat normally (I only keep a somewhat normal weight because I live off of prescribed high calorie drinks). My life is literal hell, every day, every second that I am awake is torture in one way or another because of my many illnesses (and I really mean that). There hasn't been a single moment in the last 13 years for me that was so enjoyable that I could say, "wow, I really would have regretted not experiencing that". It's quite the opposite. I don't have any highlights, the only "highlights" which help me differentiate one year from the other in the last 13 years are very bad ones, like deaths in the family, new illnesses and stuff like that.
I am only comfortable when I'm asleep with no dreams, am extremely high or when I'm unconscious. Those are my favorite moments, because I don't have any symptoms at all. I feel like if your life is permanently so unbearable, that your favorite moments are when you're unconscious, it's a pretty good time to go. I make myself go into a very deep sleep/sometimes unconsciousness about 2 times a week, sometimes more, with medication. If I couldn't have those regular pauses from the hell that is my life I would have ctb a long time ago. Every time I hope that I "accidentally" die from it and that it's just gonna be too much one day and I'll never wake up from it again. As that would also be easier for my mother than if I ctb, she has told me.
I either do it with a lot of benzos (up to 45 tablets of 6 to 8 different benzos) in combination with high pregabalin doses, midazolam iv (I also have the oral 15mg tablets which I take a lot of), phenobarbital as tablets or Propofol iv, all in combination with my 600mg of daily slow release morphine. I also take morphine iv regularly. I get it prescribed as I'm an ex heroin addict and in my country we can get morphine instead of methadone. Most of my medications are prescribed. I almost died once from too much iv morphine, at least it definitely felt like it, but unfortunately I woke up with a gasp after some time. And I almost died once from a heroin overdose, but that was a very long time ago, I didn't want to die back then. I never REALLY overdose myself on purpose, I just always stay in the zone with the doses so that it's a gamble, I could possibly die from it or not, because I'd rather not even know that I'm going to die. The chance of someone "saving" me if I overdose and ending up with brain damage is low, as there is no one here to save me, I'm always alone and would only get found after 2-3 days. That's why I always put on the AC really cold when I do these things (even in winter), because I want my body to still be in good condition. And I always lock the door, so my mom wouldn't find me, she'd have to get someone to open the door and I've already told her if I don't send her a message for our regular
check ups that everything is ok and then don't answer the phone after multiple calls to not open the door to my bedroom herself when she comes to check on me and call someone (police, paramedics), because then I'm most likely dead. I also always shower, shave, brush my teeth and even put some make up on right before I do these things as I want to be freshly showered and clean and acceptable looking on the autopsy table, as no one's ever gonna look closer at everything of you other than at an autopsy. I'd rather not have one done at all, because the thought of them slicing my brain into pieces and all that stuff just bothers me while alive but I've already done research and you can't (at least not where I live) write down somewhere that you don't want an autopsy done while you're alive, if it's a suspected suicide or overdose death and especially since I'm still young (a little under 30), they will most likely do an autopsy. So it is what it is and I'll be dead anyway. Does any of you guys bother that thought now while you're alive?
I really have no will to live anymore and might ctb soon, as I have some acute problems which if I can't solve them, I really feel like it's my time to go. I would have preferred to wait a little, as my stepfather and my grandfather have terminal cancer and I don't really want my mother to have to go through the pain of her only child ctb on top of that. But if I can't solve this problem, I honestly don't have much of a choice as life would get much worse for me (yes, apparently that's still possible, it surprises me too, but life can be cruel) and it's already unbearable. I've waited 3 years already. That's when my stepfather got his terminal cancer diagnosis and I wanted to wait until after he died and my mother has been through the grieving process to do it and now the same with my grandfather and I don't really want my grandfather to still be here when I ctb, as we are close even though because of my illnesses I don't see him that often. But I just don't have much left in me to go on. Unfortunately I can't spare my mom the pain from having to go through me ctb, because then I would most likely have to wait 30 years to do it and I can't do that. My mom has known for a long time how I feel and what I want to do and she does understand it, as she has seen me suffer all these years, but of course she can't give me the permission to do it as she would rather have me here with her. But I'm just so unbelievably tired, and I know I'll never live a normal life. I've tried every treatment/medication/combination of medications there is for my illnesses over the last 13 years and it hasn't helped at all, everything only got worse with the years. I've really tried. I've really thought about this for a long time and I'm just ready to go. I have the goodbye letter to my family ready since 2 years ago, I have everything I need to do it ready at home. I just want and need eternal sleep and peace.
The problem is just that my SI is pretty strong, even though I really, really want to die badly. It is gone completely pretty often, but that happens in moments, where I'm physically so ill, that I can't even move. Benzos help somewhat to make me pretty indifferent. I feel like 6-7mg of Alprazolam or 36-42mg of Bromazepam as they're not that sedating combined with 1000-1200mg of Pregabalin would probably take care of the worst of it and I'd still be able to do my method (I unfortunately have a very high benzo tolerance and am physically dependent on them). Or 5mg of Alprazolam, 30mg Midazolam orally and 1000mg Pregabalin. As I'm pretty indifferent when I'm on those doses, but can still act normally and people don't even necessarily notice I've taken anything.
To do my method, I'd first have to take a large dose of metoclopramide and preferably fast for a few hours, but that isn't a must. Then a little later draw up some syringes, then put 1 (or maybe even 2, I'm not yet sure) intravenous cannula in a large vein(s), once the cannula is in place take a few phenobarbital pills (I might maybe do that a little earlier already, as they take forever to take effect), a few more potent benzo pills (Triazolam. Flunitrazepam, Nitrazepam and Midazolam), another 1200mg slow release morphine (in addition to the 600mg I take every day and will have already taken that day), then inject some midazolam iv which should also make my anxiety and SI less, then connect the 20ml syringe with Propofol to the iv tubing, then take 2-3 fentanyl patches bucally (put them in my mouth in my cheeks), which is a total of 12-16mg of Fentanyl (I want to be sure to die and I have a high opioid tolerance that's why so much, I might even take more Fentanyl) and then inject either (depending if I put 1 or 2 iv cannulas) 400mg (I have the 2% Propofol which is 20mg/ml so 20ml are 400mg) or 800mg Propofol really fast iv, which should ideally and most likely will as it's a massive dose without intubation and I'm tiny (I'm about 105 pounds, that's 8,5mg Propofol/kg with 400mg and 17mg/kg with 800mg) stop my breathing and obviously will also make me deeply unconscious within about 10 seconds after injecting it. While I'm unconscious from the Propofol or already have a respiratory arrest, the Fentanyl will keep absorbing into my bloodstream and make the effect of the Propofol stronger and vice versa. Do you guys think that's a safe method to die? I know they use an overdose of Propofol with MAID in Canada. And in combination with the 600mg of morphine, 6-7mg of Alprazolam or 36-42mg of Bromazepam and 30mg oral Midazolam and a few mg iv being already in my bloodstream at the time of injection and the Fentanyl overdose and Phenobarbital and more morphine and benzos being absorbed. I mean one of those things, especially the combination of this has to kill me right? Or should I rather do it with a iv morphine overdose (would rather not do that, as I would have to take a lot of antihistamines before because the histamine release with large doses of morphine iv is pretty unpleasant, although that would only last for a couple seconds after the injection before you lose consciousness, in case the dose of antihistamines wasn't enough to fully prevent the histamine release with a massive overdose, so if that's the safest way, I would do it), I mean with morphine iv I know what dose would kill me after 10 days of only oral morphine and no iv morphine, as I know what dose has already almost killed me under these circumstances and I would just triple that dose. Or should I convert that dose (the triple morphine iv dose) to iv fentanyl and prepare the patches for iv use and use a iv fentanyl overdose? Btw, the fentanyl patches are prescribed and from the pharmacy, so I know they're legit. Or should I mix the fentanyl with the propofol and inject both? I just don't know how they would react chemically with each other as the fentanyl solution would be watery and propofol is an emulsion.. To be safe, I just don't really want to do it with only an opioid OD because of my high tolerance, so I really want to do it in combination w/ the Propofol OD injection, as Propofol has a very potent respiratory depressant effect, even in "normal doses" and it would enhance the respiratory depressant effect of the other medications, the fentanyl also prolongs the effects of propofol and I would also be unconscious in a pleasant way almost immediately, which is what I really want. Or put 2 iv cannulas in and inject 400mg propofol in one while simultaneously injecting the fentanyl overdose in the other one? Of course I could also do an infusion with a few thousand mg of propofol, but that would be complicated to set up and I'd have to buy an iv pole (where could I hide that when my mom visits?). And the propofol vials don't even fit in most iv poles so I'd have to pour the propofol in an empty iv saline bag (which I would also have to buy). I'd rather be unconscious within seconds and have it as simple as possible, with not that much to set up. Personally, from my experiences with Propofol I'm very sure that a fast injection of 400mg even on it's own,
without everything else except my daily 600mg morphine would kill me. But any tips are welcome! Btw I don't think I'm gonna vomit all of the pills out (of course I wouldn't do it on a day where I'm nauseous), because I regularly take more than 50 pills at once (without metoclopramide) and have never vomited, so my stomach is used to a lot of pills and it's not gonna be 50 pills at once on that day. And I don't think I'm gonna vomit that soon after the propofol injection either, because propofol itself has strong antiemetic properties and I have taken up to 3x my daily morphine dose without even a hint of nausea. Maybe I might vomit after a lot of the fentanyl overdose is absorbed, but I hope the metoclopramide will prevent that and if it does happen I'll be unconscious then and would probably choke to death on my vomit, although I think I'm gonna be dead from the propofol before that even happens.
What other tips do you guys have for overcoming the SI? I just know benzos will help a little and I'm gonna think about the most unbearable things in my life and how unbearable my life is in general and for how long I've already suffered and that I'm never gonna have to experience any horrible physical (or mental) symptoms again and finally be "asleep"/ unconscious forever, which is my favorite state. I know I'm suffering a lot and death is my biggest wish and my method is very soft as I'm softly but quickly gonna become unconscious within like 10 seconds after the injection, but somehow my SI can still be pretty strong, some days more, some days less, but sometimes it feels impossible to overcome even though I can't take all the pain and exhaustion anymore..
Any other tips how to get in the right state of mind to just do it, stay in that right state of mind throughout the preparation of the method and then finally have the courage to push that plunger of the syringe, knowing how final it is?
To anyone who has read all of this very long text (I'm sorry for that), thank you very much!
